mtnbiker3000 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 If anything, I think you think too much. Going over all of that stuff in your head just doesn't really do anything to help. You need to set a goal of staying NC and recovering and doing whatever you need to do to do it. It's good to think sometimes, but you seem to let the white noise consume you way too often. Reducing or removing compulsive thoughts. Eckhart Tolle can help with this 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Can you move away from him? Why do you suggest that?
jesse93 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I'm afraid it will take a long time. If I knew I'd be A-OK in 2 months, then sure, I'll just watch Netflix and take Xanax to speed it up. But man, the unknown gets to me. I've been reading through your thread and i gotta say this is very true, the time is a killer with me just seeing that this could take like 6months+ just to try to get myself back to normal, really scares me because i don't feel i could go that long i don't think i could go completely NC for so long it just doesn't seem possible.. but anyway i hope you stay strong and make it through this i wish you the best of luck, try your hardest you can do this.
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 I've been reading through your thread and i gotta say this is very true, the time is a killer with me just seeing that this could take like 6months+ just to try to get myself back to normal, really scares me because i don't feel i could go that long i don't think i could go completely NC for so long it just doesn't seem possible.. but anyway i hope you stay strong and make it through this i wish you the best of luck, try your hardest you can do this. Gosh, I know I can't handle this pain that long! Tonight is a tough one.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Gosh, I know I can't handle this pain that long! Tonight is a tough one. Well, you aren't helping yourself by looking at the NC time as a whole. You need to break it up into short periods. Goal number one is to make it to next week. Then after that, make it to next month. And so on and so forth. That will help you. 1
Trimmer Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) And send back the camera. I agree, or better yet, find a shelter or a youth program and donate it so that someone can get productive, postive use out of it (and the case, too - let go, let go, let go.) The reason I am in favor of this is that it would represent a positive, affirmative step forward for you in asserting your independence, your control, and a boundary. Instead of just sitting around very quiet and still, hoping he won't breach the defenses again, it's a way of taking an action that would be symbolically significant, yet it does not require you to have any contact with him in any way (which is why I'm not necessarily in favor of giving it back.) You said your hesitation about getting rid of it was something like not wanting a perfectly good camera to go to waste. OK, then don't drive over it and crush it as humorously suggested earlier, but find it a good, positive home where it might do some real good. That would be a fine place for it, where it certainly won't go to waste. And if you don't want to do this, I want you to really do some soul searching and ask why you wouldn't want to donate it to a good cause. Really be honest - is it because it's a connection to him? That's exactly why you should let go of it. Prove to yourself that you are breaking the connection, cutting the cord. Take this forward step - by donating it, it won't get you any more tangled up with him; instead it will give you a sense of control, and it will be a symbolic "purge" that may help you. Another such step like this would be to get the combination on your car changed. Again, it doesn't require any contact with him, it might never come into play, but it is a positive symbolic step forward for you. This is very important: note that neither of these steps, as I recommend them, have any element related to maneuvering around him or manipulating what he thinks. Avoid behaviors designed to affect him in any way; the point is to disconnect from him, and focus on behaviors centered around your life. What I'm recommending will be symbolic steps toward the goal of you feeling like you are letting go and disconnecting. You're not stuffing the camera back in his face to send him a message, for example. And he probably won't ever try to get into your car again, right? So he will likely never even notice the combination issue - but do it anyway, for you. Both of these steps are things that you do for yourself; these are symbols of your approach to your own life, your attitude about your boundaries, and your decision to take control. Get your car combo reprogrammed. Find a good home for the camera and case. Set boundaries, take control; move forward. Edited July 27, 2013 by Trimmer 2
TaraMaiden Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Oh god, I have to say, I used to be desperate to learn how to crochet. I would watch ladies sitting, twiddling this little hooked stick, working white threads, creating the most intricate delightful little objects and I wanted so much to be able to do the same. Then, one day, I had the opportunity to sit with a friend who was crocheting doilies for her baby's christening. Once complete, the doilies were soaked in a heavy solution of sugar-water, and then draped over upturned cups, to set. Once set and dry, they were filled with little blue bon-bons and finished with a blue ribbon. She began to teach me how to crochet, and there and then, I finally understood why, until that point, I had never learnt to crochet: because I couldn't be bloody asked. Tying knots in string was not, it seems, my personal bag. I admire those who can, but me? I'm a knitter myself. Now, you'd think: Knit? Crochet? Not so different.... Maybe. maybe knot. I'm fine with my knit one purl one, thanks....! 1
Talulah Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Why do you suggest that? Why do I suggest that? because he keeps leaving stuff in your car and making you think of him. How old are you? you sound like you're 17 years old.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Why do I suggest that? because he keeps leaving stuff in your car and making you think of him. How old are you? you sound like you're 17 years old. Be nice T. This is a positive intervention!!
Talulah Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Crocheting sounds fun. I always wanted to learn to knit myself though.
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 (edited) I appreciate the detailed response, Trimmer. BUT The reason I don't want to give it to someone else is because I've wanted this camera. I can't afford one on my own, so it's nice that someone bought it for me. I like pink too. And I'm sure it's going to be rough for me to hold the camera and take pictures with it at first as I will think of him. But I honestly think I can detach him from that camera. For the whole entire 2.5 years together, this is the FIRST gift he has ever bought me. I deserve this gift and my psychologist said so too. I put up with a lot from this man and to give away the one thing I always expected from him (a sentimental gift) would be cowardly to me. That's like running away from your problems, hiding from them. To have tell people "Oh, I got rid of it because my ex reminded me of an object". It's not being strong. I want to be strong this time. It's a damn camera. He's my damn ex. Sure, get rid of the ex, keep the camera. That's my motto. Edited July 27, 2013 by youngnlove89
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Talulah, Why do I suggest that? because he keeps leaving stuff in your car and making you think of him. How old are you? you sound like you're 17 years old. And I could say that you sound demeaning by your response. That was rude. I'm not 17 years old. I don't need to move away from him. I don't need to run from my problems. I need to handle this. Face it. Stop fearing it. Why would I give up my life where I am at because of him? That's letting him win again.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Talulah, And I could say that you sound demeaning by your response. That was rude. I'm not 17 years old. I don't need to move away from him. I don't need to run from my problems. I need to handle this. Face it. Stop fearing it. Why would I give up my life where I am at because of him? That's letting him win again. To be fair, this is the same logic you always use as to why you can't block his number and all that. It really hasn't done you much good thus far. I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying that we've seen this type of response from you before. And it has never turned out in your favor. Recovery is tough enough as it is. No need to add a degree of difficulty to it. JMO. 1
Trimmer Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I appreciate the detailed response, Trimmer. BUT The reason I don't want to give it to someone else is because I've wanted this camera. I can't afford one on my own, so it's nice that someone bought it for me. I like pink too. And I'm sure it's going to be rough for me to hold the camera and take pictures with it at first as I will think of him. But I honestly think I can detach him from that camera. For the whole entire 2.5 years together, this is the FIRST gift he has ever bought me. I deserve this gift and my psychologist said so too. I put up with a lot from this man and to give away the one thing I always expected from him (a sentimental gift) would be cowardly to me. That's like running away from your problems, hiding from them. To have tell people "Oh, I got rid of it because my ex reminded me of an object". It's not being strong. I want to be strong this time. It's a damn camera. He's my damn ex. Sure, get rid of the ex, keep the camera. That's my motto. Hey, you know what is all that matters? If it works for you. If this camera is just an object and you can move forward with disconnecting from your ex in a healthy way, and if you feel like you are continuing to make progress, then it's working for you, and that's what matters. But, if you find you're getting mired, dragged back, etc., then there's no shame or weakness in letting go of triggers. You have to be careful that what you think is "strength" isn't bordering on masochism, or more likely, just not wanting to let go of the connection. That's actually weakness - very understandable, but weakness nonetheless. The key is to be really honest with yourself. Are you really OK with this sweet reminder of him in your life, and can you really move on without it dragging you back? Are you really able to let go? The other test is if you do ANYTHING where the outcome is designed to have an effect on him - what he thinks, how he feels, what he thinks of you, etc. - that should be a red flag. Your eventual target is not to love him or need him, nor to hate him. The target is indifference. Again, if it's all working and you are feeling strong, moving forward, and not looking back, then that's what matters. But I was responding to the woman who said "I can't handle this pain that long." As Simon put it, why add a degree of difficulty? Look for where you can take some action, and if you decide that might be helpful, then that's what my suggestions were about. 2
Talulah Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Talulah, And I could say that you sound demeaning by your response. That was rude. I'm not 17 years old. I don't need to move away from him. I don't need to run from my problems. I need to handle this. Face it. Stop fearing it. Why would I give up my life where I am at because of him? That's letting him win again. I have read your entire story, but from what I have read your ex seems to me like someone who would think ANY action you do is about him. Seems like a narcissist. So, if in his head ANY action that you do is about him, then let him think that he has won. But you do whatever it is that you have to do to flush him out of YOUR mind. And giving up your life because of him? he is a creep! seems like a psychopath to me, or a person with many, many issues. He needs to have power over you. And you are letting him. So try something different. Who cares what he thinks. But being a creep and sneaking in gifts to control you seems like a better option? The reason why I asked about your age is because there comes a point in our lives, and I learned this from my ex, that we must make decisions that emotionally healthy for us. I am a teacher, so I have to make good decisions because I am expected to be a role model. It motivates me to put myself in a good emotional place. And now you need to do so too. Your whole reasoning about wanting to keep the gift sounds childish "I am going to keep it because I wanted it!". Ok do so then, but don't take any more of his gifts. Next time he leaves you one, just leave it there. It seems to me by your devastation and shattered self esteem that you had a relationship with a narcissist. Look up NPD online or talk to someone about it.
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