Emma1234 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 It has been 2 and a half months since our break up and it's pretty clear he has moved on with his life, I'm trying. The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is an intense amount of guilt. He left me to 'find himself' after a 2 and a half year relationship. He said he just wanted to be single with no commitments etc. However, leading up to this I had been so moody towards him over the smallest thing. I'd constantly feel frustrated at him for the smallest things when he was the calmest, kindest guy there could be. I know I pushed him away by being so awful to him and I can't stop blaming myself. I literally feel so much guilt for all of the things that I said because technically he never did a thing wrong so I can't seem about to get over him. After we broke up we had a small bit of communication and I got hints that the true reason was me and how I became towards the end. How can I stop this guilt and blame? I feel as though it's killing me. Thank you, Emma
Legatus Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Guilt won't do any good anymore. I admit that I feel like if you had problems you should have communicated them straight away in a proper manner. Especially if those are small things, the devil is in the details - if small things are going bad, it raises suspicion as to what is going on with "the big stuff"! Although I am not impressed by his "find himself" reason either. If it was you he should have said it during the relationship to let you work on it and resolve the issues. He acted like a coward to me... It happened... you know better now so there is no need for feeling guilty. If you know your mistakes and you know you won't repeat them, that makes you the better person and that's something you should focus on if you need to. Learn your lesson and live strong! 1
Author Emma1234 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Guilt won't do any good anymore. I admit that I feel like if you had problems you should have communicated them straight away in a proper manner. Especially if those are small things, the devil is in the details - if small things are going bad, it raises suspicion as to what is going on with "the big stuff"! Although I am not impressed by his "find himself" reason either. If it was you he should have said it during the relationship to let you work on it and resolve the issues. He acted like a coward to me... It happened... you know better now so there is no need for feeling guilty. If you know your mistakes and you know you won't repeat them, that makes you the better person and that's something you should focus on if you need to. Learn your lesson and live strong! Thank you for this, yes I did tell him the issues but they were often based around things he didn't do in the relationship but when I actually think about it now he really did do those things. He is a very very laid back person and never had much 'umph' to do things for our relationship unless I pushed. I still can't help feel like I'm the bad awful person in this. My friends all said his lovely he was but that they couldn't have coped with how laid back he was. His ex gf also got moody at him all the time as well which makes me think there is a pattern but I've realised now (too late) that I loved him for being so calm with no worries about anything and so the guilt is setting in that I pushed him away
Author Emma1234 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) I know this type of guy...Think his plan has worked perfect. He gets to do what he wants, while making you believe you are at fault.. Emma if the little things were annoying you that means you were not happy. I mean have you always been like this? If so fair enough that is something to work on for the future, but if it was only this guy there is probably a reason(s) behind that.. Right now you are hurting. It's hard to see the clearer pictures when our judgement is clouded my emotions..There is nothing to feel guilty about. He would have left anyway, it would have just taken longer..Believe me the right guy will try find out why you are sad/upset/annoyed and not hold it against as a reason to breakup. Not only that the right guy will probably not annoy you like this guy... He is not the right guy. Let him sow his oats, you deserve better. No more guilt needed... Thank you, I needed this reassurance. It's just that I know he'll be focusing on all of the negative things about me to stick to his decision and there really are so many things that he'll be able to think of. Argh I hate guilt! Oh and no I haven't always been like this, it's made me feel that I am that sort of person though, grumpy and frustrated and I can't shake that feeling off Edited July 25, 2013 by Emma1234
aloneinaz Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You need to learn from whatever mistakes you feel you made. I was on the receiving end of my ex who did the same things you said you did but probably worse. She was vindictive, grudge holding, quick tempered, moody, talked poorly to me and to others cause she was always stressed out, overwhelmed and quickly annoyed with people. She rather get pissed internally, then be a bitch to me or hold a grudge than actually communicate with me to address the issue. I share that because it was a deal breaker. No one would put up with that kind of BS or being nagged or having a moody girl friend. I put up with her for far too long and should of stayed broken up with her after xmas but didn't. We broke up and got back together three more times. What a waste of time. She ended it again when she got mad that I told her I was tired of her bitchy attitude towards me. It's been 8 weeks now since then and she'll NEVER hear from me again. Her legacy with me is negative to say the least. Of all the relationships I've had, I'd never care to engage with her again due to her emotional instability and what a complete selfish bitch she was..
Legatus Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Well I can relate a little bit to be honest. At the beginning of my former relationship I was quite distant. Didn't show much emotions, moreover I have always been a calm person. My ex tried to communicate to me that I don't put enough into relationship and that I'm too calm at times, and most of the time she succeeded. I changed entirely and after a while I became the one actually talked, started conversations et cetera... I can't say I was "laid back" really, more like closed and "dark", but it changed. However after our break up initiated by her cheating, losing feelings, wanting to "find herself" (in another guy's bed I presume), I still had and have guilt over the fact who I was at the beginning... If he really is a good guy I'm sure he has his part of the guilt. Just remember DON'T LET IT DICTATE HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. You can feel bad for a while, which makes you a good-hearted person, but every day ease a little bit. He will survive and so will YOU!
Author Emma1234 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 You need to learn from whatever mistakes you feel you made. I was on the receiving end of my ex who did the same things you said you did but probably worse. She was vindictive, grudge holding, quick tempered, moody, talked poorly to me and to others cause she was always stressed out, overwhelmed and quickly annoyed with people. She rather get pissed internally, then be a bitch to me or hold a grudge than actually communicate with me to address the issue. I share that because it was a deal breaker. No one would put up with that kind of BS or being nagged or having a moody girl friend. I put up with her for far too long and should of stayed broken up with her after xmas but didn't. We broke up and got back together three more times. What a waste of time. She ended it again when she got mad that I told her I was tired of her bitchy attitude towards me. It's been 8 weeks now since then and she'll NEVER hear from me again. Her legacy with me is negative to say the least. Of all the relationships I've had, I'd never care to engage with her again due to her emotional instability and what a complete selfish bitch she was.. Well I certainly wasn't anywhere near as bad as that. He still desperately wants to be friends with me so it's not the person I am, I'm loving and kind to everyone else but because I got moody with him towards the end because I didn't feel like I was getting enough from the relationship I feel like that is my identity now plus I'm just full or regret for not pushing my frustration at him aside and looking at it differently. I wasn't a 'vindictive bitch' I know that much, I just got a bit grumpy with him towards the last few months.
Author Emma1234 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Well I can relate a little bit to be honest. At the beginning of my former relationship I was quite distant. Didn't show much emotions, moreover I have always been a calm person. My ex tried to communicate to me that I don't put enough into relationship and that I'm too calm at times, and most of the time she succeeded. I changed entirely and after a while I became the one actually talked, started conversations et cetera... I can't say I was "laid back" really, more like closed and "dark", but it changed. However after our break up initiated by her cheating, losing feelings, wanting to "find herself" (in another guy's bed I presume), I still had and have guilt over the fact who I was at the beginning... If he really is a good guy I'm sure he has his part of the guilt. Just remember DON'T LET IT DICTATE HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. You can feel bad for a while, which makes you a good-hearted person, but every day ease a little bit. He will survive and so will YOU! I think I know that deep down it is not who I am, I try to think of the bad things and sometimes I succeed. Such as at the beginning of our relationship when I caught him flirting with another girl and telling her he didn't think me and him were going to last because of uni. We talked this through and eventually we chose to go to uni together. It was here that the changes started happening, he withdrew from me a bit because he now had his independence and our courses were putting a lot of pressure on both of us. I think the pressure and his withdrawal caused me to get grumpy with him but I know I should have dealt with it a different way. This break up certainly has changed me as a person plus I've learnt such a strong lesson. Will he always remember the moods though? I'm so scared that's all he'll think about despite the beautiful times we shared in the past.
Author Emma1234 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Emma this thought process is so typical of dumpers. In my last two relationships, I wasn't at my best. In fact I couldn't have been more at my worst. There is a great quote from Drseussgrrl in the coping forum -> "What we attract is like a mirror image of how we feel about ourselves deep down"..The quote is sooo unbelievably true. Before I really started to turn all this inwards I would ask myself the same question. Will all they remember is the low self esteem guy who behaved pathetically at times? It used to bother me. So much so that I tried to make peace with both girls. To show them that I am not this pathetic guy. This just reeks of insecurity. I now actually regret this course of action (making peace) because while I forgive them for their mistakes and transgressions and wish them both nothing but happiness, I have no interest in making peace because of the things they said and did to me. I'm sure they think very lowly of me but the key thing here Emma is I don't care..This is where I want you to get to. 'I don't care' is knowing you made mistakes and vowing to learn from them. 'I don't care' is knowing you deserve someone (maybe not better) who is more suited to your personality. 'I Don't care' is knowing whatever opinion they have about you is no longer relevant. 'I don't care' is knowing who you are and what you are worth. 'I don't care' is not giving as monkeys nutsack about your ex's opinion and focusing on YOU and YOUR future.. That is where you need to get to...Step 1...Let go of the guilt. It wouldn't have worked anyway... You really have been incredible with your replies during this break up. I know that I need to get to that stage, I can slowly feel it happening, i can sometimes see the break up as a positive thing because I like who I am growing into. I just need to learn the let go of the guilt, I'm assuming time will help this if nothing else. I'm just dreading going back to uni and I introduced him to our (now) joint friendship group so it's going to be difficult to avoid him. I stupidly checked his fb as well the other day and saw he'd got rid of our photos and even deleted them from his past profile pictures. It was such a shock but did reinforce how over this he is. He really has changed. When we last spoke he just moaned about his life to me. I don't know this person anymore, he truly has changed. 1
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