Over Abundance of Communication before the first date

[spottied]

I met this guy online on a dating website and we really hit it off about a few weeks ago. We've talked on the phone for hours and hours and hours and sent thousands of texts and there's not really a few hours that goes by that we are not in communication in some way. If I don't hear from him within a few hours, I wonder if I should text him. I send him texts when he wakes up. He never asked me out after many hints so I asked him out and we're going on our first date soon. Now I'm really scared that this is going to lead to burn out. Is it possible that we are both very clingy? My life (friends, family, work) has taken a back burner since I've started talking to him and I know that is not good. My best friend think that I'm obsessed or something and need to take a breather. I am very inexperienced in the dating game and he's divorced - we're both 27. Could we have already ruined what might have been a good relationship?

Edited July 25, 2013 by spottied

[ToyStoryThree]

I met this guy online on a dating website and we really hit it off about a few weeks ago. We've talked on the phone for hours and hours and hours and sent thousands of texts and there's not really a few hours that goes by that we are not in communication in some way. If I don't hear from him within a few hours, I wonder if I should text him. I send him texts when he wakes up. He never asked me out after many hints so I asked him out and we're going on our first date soon. Now I'm really scared that this is going to lead to burn out. Is it possible that we are both very clingy? My life (friends, family, work) has taken a back burner since I've started talking to him and I know that is not good. My best friend think that I'm obsessed or something and need to take a breather. I am very inexperienced in the dating game and he's divorced - we're both 27. Could we have already ruined what might have been a good relationship?

 

When you do meet, just make sure you do something neutral. Don't go to his house, and don't invite him to yours. Don't kiss or cuddle and do not have sex. It happened to me and now things are so awkward between us.

[white]

This happens when people are lonely. It isn't a bad thing per se. You want to talk to each other. That's good and hardly a bad sign for a relationship. "Clingy" is less a term applied to a personality and more one applied to a given relationship; in fact sometimes only to a stage of a given relationship. It's also a subjective, value term. One persons clingy is another persons loving. You're both participating in this blizzard of contact. You're both super excited to do so. That's not really clingy.

 

The only problem is you might find you've already covered first (and second and third) date talk and you find conversation a little harder. Bear it in mind. I'm sure you'll deal with it fine.

 

Most likely in a few weeks and once you start meeting regularly this will die off.

[jphcbpa]

enjoy this and don't beat yourself up.

 

if you think/feel you are putting "things" on the back burner such as you friends, family and work...move them to the front and mix them in with what you are experiencing with this new person.

[jphcbpa]

"Clingy" is less a term applied to a personality and more one applied to a given relationship; in fact sometimes only to a stage of a given relationship. It's also a subjective, value term. One persons clingy is another persons loving. You're both participating in this blizzard of contact. You're both super excited to do so. That's not really clingy.

 

Agree with this...I have felt "clingy" at times, but also "avoidant" at times in the same relationship. Things ebb and flow. Just keep being aware of your thougths and feelings. Perhaps do some writting on it...keep a journal.

[pcplod]

I met this guy online on a dating website and we really hit it off about a few weeks ago. We've talked on the phone for hours and hours and hours and sent thousands of texts and there's not really a few hours that goes by that we are not in communication in some way. If I don't hear from him within a few hours, I wonder if I should text him. I send him texts when he wakes up. He never asked me out after many hints so I asked him out and we're going on our first date soon. Now I'm really scared that this is going to lead to burn out. Is it possible that we are both very clingy? My life (friends, family, work) has taken a back burner since I've started talking to him and I know that is not good. My best friend think that I'm obsessed or something and need to take a breather. I am very inexperienced in the dating game and he's divorced - we're both 27. Could we have already ruined what might have been a good relationship?

 

Ideally you want just the right amount and type of communication, right? Took much and one or both of you feels suffocated or whatever. Too little and eother or both you are going to feel a lack of commitment from the other. So, assuming that you will never get the balance right, what would be your preference, too much or too little communication?

 

Try to not over-analyse and fret about it so much/ A bit of thought, a bit of reflection is absolutely appropriate, nay, essential, but to obsess about it is just unhelpful and unhealthy.

 

It is not just important to have the skills to communicate but also to want to communicate and to communicate about things that really matter and to communicate in a way that is meaningful.

 

What would be wrong, if, during your next conversation, you were to ask a very direct, explicit question:

 

"I am aware of how much we telephone one another and how much we talk. Are you happy with that? Or would you like to dial it back a bit"?

 

You both aren't exactly ancient but are old enough and hopefully mature enough to be capable of having conversations like that. It speaks of self-awareness, it speaks of maturity, it speaks of self-confidence. You really should just do it and he should engage with you accordingly.

[soccerrprp]

I'm wondering a couple of things:

 

1. Why, after weeks, and hints, HE didn't ask you out? Okay, so finally, you did, good. But why did it take so long....hmmmm.

 

2. Yes, it does sound like you both are spending a little too much time communicating. Since you admit that you are neglecting your family, friends, etc. a bit, yes, it sounds like you two may be a little too needy... I mean, WEEKS of texting and talking to each other w/o meeting? It's the not meeting after all that time that digs into me....

 

Anyway, good luck!

[clia]

I met this guy online on a dating website and we really hit it off about a few weeks ago. We've talked on the phone for hours and hours and hours and sent thousands of texts and there's not really a few hours that goes by that we are not in communication in some way. If I don't hear from him within a few hours, I wonder if I should text him. I send him texts when he wakes up. He never asked me out after many hints so I asked him out and we're going on our first date soon. Now I'm really scared that this is going to lead to burn out. Is it possible that we are both very clingy? My life (friends, family, work) has taken a back burner since I've started talking to him and I know that is not good. My best friend think that I'm obsessed or something and need to take a breather. I am very inexperienced in the dating game and he's divorced - we're both 27. Could we have already ruined what might have been a good relationship?

 

It's a huge red flag to me that he never asked you out after all of that communication. People who are serious don't spend weeks talking on the phone and texting when they could actually be sitting across the table from each other at a bar or restaurant. Hopefully you aren't dealing with a catfish. Have you skyped with him? When is your date?

 

I think it is never a good idea to spend so much time texting and chatting with someone online before meeting in person. You end up getting too invested in a person who is essentially a stranger and who you may have zero chemistry with when you are standing next to them. It is clingy behavior, but you both sound equally clingy, so it might work for you. I don't think it is healthy that you can't go a few hours without texting a man you just met a few weeks ago.

[Star Gazer]

I am prone to getting caught up in too much pre-date communication too. In fact, I'm doing it right now!

 

IME, it's either resulted in a great takeoff, or, I've been severely disappointed upon actually meeting him, as the in person chemistry didn't match up with the email, text, and phone chemistry. In and of itself, I don't think too much comms is inherently problematic; it just could easily end up being a huge time suck/waster.

 

I totally agree though with soccer and clia. It's a big red flag that he never asked you out after weeks of texting. The guy I'm talking to asked me out within 24 hours of back and forth texting. I also wonder why you're initiating all of the texting by texting him as soon as he wakes up. You've asked if you're both clingy... It sounds like he isn't invested at all; you are.

 

Nothing you can do at this point, just see where it goes.

[Adele0908]

There is no way to predict something that hasn't happened. So why worry about it? Please, just relax and breathe. See yourself as a prize and he will too.