Other men and other women - are you ever worried

[MissBee]

Of what the betrayed spouse could or would do to you if you were caught?

 

I don't worry about violence from the current BS. I did many years ago when I dipped my toe into the swinging world and there were men who were cheating. Über casual sex with someone you don't know...if he got caught, he'd sell me up the river and if she's a psycho, she's on my doorstep with a gun.

 

I have some mild concern about the embarrassment and fallout of some of the law suits that have occurred - I think they call them alienation of affection or something.

 

My biggest worry is the family connection. His wife is friends with my distant relative (which is how we met, at a family/friends celebration). One call to distant relative will produce a call to my mother, which will make it a total living hell for me. It doesn't matter that I'm single and in my 40's.

 

 

Well....if you're that fearful, do you think it's worth it to proceed? Waiting for the day it blows up?

 

In my own situation it was relatively low risk in terms of her finding out, even if she did, there wouldn't be much that could be done to ruin my life or make it uncomfortable. However, if that was a factor, it would have probably urged me to end it sooner than I did.

[Lady2163]

I'm sort of bouncing around ways to end the physical contact aspect of the friendship.

[Eggplant]

If I were a BS, and the OW refused to stop contacting my man, I would expose the affair to the MM and OW's entire family, mother, father, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, boss, coworkers, place of worship, and any future partners they have, and their children, parents, ..... That's really the only legal recourse a BS has, as affairs are legal.

[Lady2163]

I'm not sure how to post a link, hope this works...

 

Wife Wins $9 Million From Husband's Alleged Mistress

[happy stillmore]

I think that the pain, destruction, and anger of the daughter were quite real.

 

I know this and I felt guilt for this. I didn't want to cause more pain. I realize that the daughters are hurting and can not see their father is human. Their parents' marriage wasnt perfect and was not happy.

 

 

 

 

Your guy was simply doing this because he wanted to.

 

Yes, I realized this and that is why I broke it off. I saw he was playing both sides. You can't have it be both ways. Both sides believing the future is with them.

 

 

 

I don't think you can induce guilt into someone that does not feel guilt. The realization of guilt is personal.

 

I didn't mean she caused him to feel guilt. There was no need for that as he was already feeling bad about hurting his family. XBS made him believe it was me OR his children. There would be no relationship with the girls if he moved out.

 

 

 

He picked her. There was no magic.

 

I never said there was magic involved with his decision to stay. I fully realize he made a decision with his head to stay and not hurt his family anymore. He is afraid to lose his girls. You do not know our situation.

 

His love for you was love in the affair bubble. How many times do i have to explain this.

 

Yes, the affair bubble. We are all aware of the affair bubble.

 

You can say I'm angry at times. I know I sounded bitter earlier. I, too, am grieving the future I hoped for. I interval through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance stages like a death. I have accepted that I am better off without him. I accepted I was wrong. In fact, I am actively trying to help others in my situation to see the light and move on from this fruitless type of relationship because in the end, everyone gets hurt.

[happy stillmore]

Lady,

Interesting story but I was not able to read the whole story. I will try to look it up.

 

With my luck, I, the MOW, would have to pay off xBS and xMM debt. Yikes.

[threelaurels]

I think the biggest thing APs have to worry about most of the time is exposure. Physical violence is possible but not common. Lawsuits are also possible, but it is notoriously difficult to win an alienation of affection lawsuit.

 

I think success is the best revenge regardless of whether the BS stays or leaves. I believe the universe has a way of working things out on its own. If I was inclined towards taking matters into my own hands, I would probably try to cook up some Jerry Springer-type "green room" scenario where I pay some hot young thing to seduce him, see how far he'll go, and videotape the whole thing.

 

If my hunch is right and he bites, I'd send her the video evidence along with a congratulations card. I might even have some Ben & Jerrys and a box of tissues delivered to her doorstep after she gets the tape if I'm feeling nice

[Pierre]

You can say I'm angry at times. I know I sounded bitter earlier. I, too, am grieving the future I hoped for. I interval through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance stages like a death. I have accepted that I am better off without him. I accepted I was wrong. In fact, I am actively trying to help others in my situation to see the light and move on from this fruitless type of relationship because in the end, everyone gets hurt.

 

I am sorry you still feel bad. If it helps I am 100% certain he loves you or loved you. The issue is that this love develops as a parallel universe to his other universe which is his family.

 

The love for you is real, but the other parallel universe simply gets in the way.

 

Love has three components: Passion, intimacy, and commitment. He had the former two with you, but the commitment was much greater on the other side.

[Spark1111]

I think that the pain, destruction, and anger of the daughter were quite real.

 

I know this and I felt guilt for this. I didn't want to cause more pain. I realize that the daughters are hurting and can not see their father is human. Their parents' marriage wasnt perfect and was not happy.

 

 

 

 

Your guy was simply doing this because he wanted to.

 

Yes, I realized this and that is why I broke it off. I saw he was playing both sides. You can't have it be both ways. Both sides believing the future is with them.

 

 

 

I don't think you can induce guilt into someone that does not feel guilt. The realization of guilt is personal.

 

I didn't mean she caused him to feel guilt. There was no need for that as he was already feeling bad about hurting his family. XBS made him believe it was me OR his children. There would be no relationship with the girls if he moved out.

 

 

 

He picked her. There was no magic.

 

I never said there was magic involved with his decision to stay. I fully realize he made a decision with his head to stay and not hurt his family anymore. He is afraid to lose his girls. You do not know our situation.

 

His love for you was love in the affair bubble. How many times do i have to explain this.

 

Yes, the affair bubble. We are all aware of the affair bubble.

 

You can say I'm angry at times. I know I sounded bitter earlier. I, too, am grieving the future I hoped for. I interval through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance stages like a death. I have accepted that I am better off without him. I accepted I was wrong. In fact, I am actively trying to help others in my situation to see the light and move on from this fruitless type of relationship because in the end, everyone gets hurt.

 

happy, my children were around that age when DDAY struck.

 

I could no more control what they did or did not do regarding their father's affair, but I was successful in talking one daughter ( and more than a few friends) of writing letters, making phone calls or marching onto her doorstep.

 

What HE WENT through was 10 times worse. yes, they were screaming and crying and very, very angry at him and they vocalized it.

 

they were devastated not only at my pain but that this man they loved and revered had LIED to all of us and his OW aided him to do so. Surely you get that, no?

 

My youngest child told him, You should have had the honesty to separate from our mother and tell us all the truth!

 

outta the mouths of babes.

 

I am always bemused that APs sense BS manipulation at DDAY. I couldn't stop crying and vomiting long enough to manipulate a door knob, let alone how emotional, vengeful and angry my daughters were becoming.

 

you play with fire, you may get burned and not just by the BS....There are families and loyal friends involved too.....

[Lady2163]

Spark, I strongly disagree with letting the children be involved enough to KNOW who the other woman is. She isn't any of their business. She isn't even the spouse's business.

 

Children, family and friends need to place the blame where it is in their universe.

 

Now, if she doesn't leave him alone after he chooses to stay with famiy, then the spouse should probably have a heart to heart with her. But that needs to be private.

 

If I had twenty somethings show up at my door and scream at me for being the wanton mistress, I'd call the cops. I'd file the restraining order.

 

Whatever happened to protecting the children? There are still things I don't know about my parents' marriage. There's a lot I don't know about my dad's first marriage. I know his first wife cheated on him and she left.

 

I don't admire your children and friends for wanting to get involved. I think it's kind of sick they were given any information about the mistress.

[sweet_pea]

Spark, I strongly disagree with letting the children be involved enough to KNOW who the other woman is. She isn't any of their business. She isn't even the spouse's business.

 

Children, family and friends need to place the blame where it is in their universe.

 

Now, if she doesn't leave him alone after he chooses to stay with famiy, then the spouse should probably have a heart to heart with her. But that needs to be private.

 

If I had twenty somethings show up at my door and scream at me for being the wanton mistress, I'd call the cops. I'd file the restraining order.

 

Whatever happened to protecting the children? There are still things I don't know about my parents' marriage. There's a lot I don't know about my dad's first marriage. I know his first wife cheated on him and she left.

 

I don't admire your children and friends for wanting to get involved. I think it's kind of sick they were given any information about the mistress.

 

1. Uh, why is knowing who the OW is not the spouse's business? Sure 'nuff should be their business to know who was messing with their WS.

 

2. The irony of the bolded... you think that's sick? Yet I bet you (or any OW) were given information about the WS' BS, no? People want to know who is responsible for hurting them/their loved ones. It's pretty sick in general to even involve yourself with a Married Person....

 

I keep wondering: Why is it that an OW is fine with involving herself with a MM but isn't fine with the fall out that it might bring, such as exposure? It comes with the territory. If you have the 'balls' to be in an affair, you should have the 'balls' to deal with the outcome (save for violence, that is never OK).

Edited July 26, 2013 by sweet_pea

[2sure]

This is past me and I'm not the same person anymore but...

 

I was BS as bunny boiler.

 

My XHs infidelity included a huge amount of gaslighting and by the time everything was blown open...I had a bit of a breakdown.

 

He had more than be OW. I disclosed details to each of their husbands or SO.

The one OW that I knew vaguely...I sent photos of her , that she posted herself anonymously on a fetish website...to her husband, her and her husbands work collegues and her parents .

 

I'm not saying I should have, just that I did. And behavior like that is so not like me...I was never suspected.

[happy stillmore]

Spark,

I couldn't agree with you more. H should have been honest in the first place. He (and I) should have ended our marriages before being open to another. I wholeheartedly agree that I was wrong in sharing a relationship with a MM. I was wrong. I admit it was the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life. I have always been the one that never caused waves. I was not seeing the whole picture. I deeply regret hurting his wife and daughters. I was the "driver in the get-away car" as mentioned in some posts on LS. I am hoping to help others through enlightenment of the "whole picture" to save pain in all those involved in an affair.

 

I understand any words I use to explain my actions will be twisted against me. All I can say is we were two lonely people who connected and understood each other. It is possible that people marry a person who looks at life opposite than they do. It is also possible for a married couple to not understand each other which leads to having to work at being happy together. XMM and I were on the same wavelength. In fact, I felt like he was my triplet. (I have a twin) People do marry the wrong person and due to life's commitments, it becomes impossible to easily divorce. XMM and xBS are paying off 12 years of private school for each of the three girls (wife's choice of schooling, not xMM's) and large mortgage. It would be selfish for him to leave with the debt leaving the family so strapped.

 

His wife told me xMM stares at the tv on the weekends (because he is depressed.) He often told me of how he felt trapped. He couldn't leave the house alone. He has no options. He can't see me if living at the house and yet, he can't afford to move out. I asked xMM to make a decision about our situation and he chose the logical one. I told xMM at the end, when someone loves someone, they let them go if they believe that will bring him/her happiness. That is what I did, I let him go. I truly hope he is happy.

 

Pierre is right. There can be two loves that run parallel. His family's commitments overrides our desire to be together. I do believe he loved me. I accept his decision and am working towards living an honest life where I am true to myself and those in my life. After all, I do believe what goes around comes around.

Edited July 26, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Lady2163]

Sweet pea, I should have been more specific. I don't believe the spouse should involve herself with the other woman. Married man caught, ends it and that's it - if she goes away.

 

Which could be fantasy land.

 

Throughout my entire life and with my previous occupation I've known a lot of families affected by infidelity. The children who came out okay were the ones who either didn't know or knew very few details. Sadly, all too often the womem encouraged alienating the husband from the children. One woman even made her 20 something daughter choose. Daughter is now in prison for drugs. Very sad.

 

Plus...and this is huge. You expose your husbands betrayal. You must have been a much better wife than I was. If you're going to fill your adult children's minds with sordid details of his shortcomings, what is to stop him from returning the favor if the marriage is over? Were you so perfect that he would have no complaints about you that you wouldn't want the children to hear?

 

I knew a man who cheated and left his wife and kids when they were teens. The boys were filled with hatred for the dad and the mother stoked the fire. He finally told his 13 year old son, " you will understand someday". Flash forward 20 years and the son...

 

Sorry got to go..

[Got it]

If I were a BS, and the OW refused to stop contacting my man, I would expose the affair to the MM and OW's entire family, mother, father, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, boss, coworkers, place of worship, and any future partners they have, and their children, parents, ..... That's really the only legal recourse a BS has, as affairs are legal.

 

Please. If my spouse would not stop contacting another person I would just divorce him. Exposure only goes so far and does not always work out the way one thinks it would.

 

It greatly backfired in my husband's ex wife's face.

[Pastypop]

When dating a married man, the less he knows about you the better. When they get busted, they tell all and then whatever insane, embarrassing lies they can come up with to make themselves look innocent. When dating a married man, never tell him your real name, where you work, live or hang out. Do not send email or pictures. As soon as the dirty little bastard get caught, change your phone number. This is really the only way to have affairs with no repercussions to oneself. When the BS finds out, most of the time she wants revenge. They will go after one's employment, reputation and friendships. It is not worth it. My MM got busted but, I could walk right to his wife and be her best friend and she wouldn't have clue who I was. Look at this way, MM are players and liars first and foremost. Why should you get trashed when the truth comes out, why he just goes running and begging back to his wife. Let him suffer the fallout and the hours of MC. He's the one who did all the chasing and pursued the affair in the first place. Seriously who really cares what happens to the cheating *******?

[happy stillmore]

Pastypop,

I never thought to do the things you mentioned. I trusted my xMM completely. We shared everything. It was the closest I was to another person (other than my twin). It never occurred to me to look for the "what ifs" while in our relationship. That is part of the reason why I didn't see how our actions were hurting his xBS and daughters. His xBS knew everything: my home address and phone, my H work email address, my children's FB pages, my Dad's name, twin's phone number, where I work. Everything. She even sent me a FB friend request. (I did not obviously accept) xMM and I were quite naive about the whole thing. Although xBS did call my twin and disclosed, she did not call anyone else. I think she knew he would run to me and she would lose him forever if she did.

 

I can easily see the reasons to do what you suggest though.

[threelaurels]

Plus...and this is huge. You expose your husbands betrayal. You must have been a much better wife than I was. If you're going to fill your adult children's minds with sordid details of his shortcomings, what is to stop him from returning the favor if the marriage is over? Were you so perfect that he would have no complaints about you that you wouldn't want the children to hear?

 

Why does exposure have to involve sordid details? An affair can be exposed to a child by simply saying "daddy broke a promise to mommy". Parents who lie or omit the truth when it comes to important matters have poorer relationships with their children. It's a finding that has been replicated many, many times in research. Children pick up on so many signals that parents aren't even aware of. It is impossible to seperate marital stress from family life completely. It is far better for them to hear an age-appropriate version of the truth than to find out bits and pieces and go on to develop erroneous assumptions and beliefs.

 

Adults and teenagers aren't stupid and usually figure out about the affair on their own.

I knew a man who cheated and left his wife and kids when they were teens. The boys were filled with hatred for the dad and the mother stoked the fire. He finally told his 13 year old son, " you will understand someday". Flash forward 20 years and the son...

 

Sorry got to go..

 

If the man was so concerned for his son, he shouldn't have had an affair. It's unfair to blame the BS for the breakdown of the father/son relationship. I don't understand how people expect the BS to be this saint who should always take the high road while MM and the OW are rolling around in the mud.

 

While it would be better for the children for the BS to try and dissociate her feelings for MM, it's not a realistic expectation at all. By the time you're an adult, you probably have some sense the emotional and physical toll that betrayal can take. The WS goes into the affair knowing that it has the potential to damage their relationships with their children. In a society where children are often used as pawns by parents, the WS knows that this possibility becomes significantly more likely when an affair is involved. Yet, they have an affair anyway. Parents of the year, right there.

 

Having an affair must give you some sort of free pass for parenting mistakes. You get to teach your kids that honesty is the best policy then turn around and do the opposite. When your kids figure out you're a hypocrite, you get to blame the messenger and displace responsibility.

 

It's not the BS's responsibility to shelter the WS from the fallout of their own actions. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

[Eggplant]

Please. If my spouse would not stop contacting another person I would just divorce him. Exposure only goes so far and does not always work out the way one thinks it would.

 

It greatly backfired in my husband's ex wife's face.

 

I would do both. It can backfire. I'd be okay with that.

[Got it]

I would do both. It can backfire. I'd be okay with that.

 

Okay. I wouldn't feel like lowering myself but you gotta do what you gotta do.

 

I guess it comes down to why one is exposing. If it's to shame the person into coming back, that is when you have a lot to lose. If it's as a final "F you" well then have at it.

[Spark1111]

Spark, I strongly disagree with letting the children be involved enough to KNOW who the other woman is. She isn't any of their business. She isn't even the spouse's business.

 

Children, family and friends need to place the blame where it is in their universe.

 

Now, if she doesn't leave him alone after he chooses to stay with famiy, then the spouse should probably have a heart to heart with her. But that needs to be private.

 

If I had twenty somethings show up at my door and scream at me for being the wanton mistress, I'd call the cops. I'd file the restraining order.

 

Whatever happened to protecting the children? There are still things I don't know about my parents' marriage. There's a lot I don't know about my dad's first marriage. I know his first wife cheated on him and she left.

 

I don't admire your children and friends for wanting to get involved. I think it's kind of sick they were given any information about the mistress.

 

If a PARENT truly wants to protect their children, they DO NOT HAVE SECRET AFFAIRS where they LIE to their family for months and sometimes years!

 

You may be living in la la land when it comes to expecting privacy and RESPECT as an AP once the affair is discovered.

 

Read the papers? Violence OFTEN happens on DDay.

 

Had you called the cops on my daughters or friends for knocking on your door or calling your workplace, I don't think they would have cared at that point in time.....the betrayal crazies are that great.

 

No sordid details were given, but I have news for you.....our children saw his change of demeanor during his affair, what I was chalking up to job stress because love is blind, and suspected the affair WAAAAAY before my accidental discovery of a text turned my reality on its ear.

 

So they weren't told....they deduced, immediately in one look at me on DDay.

 

like it or not, justified or not, you and he WILL become the enemy to people who value marriage and family.

 

Forget the feelings. It is the lying and sneaking around that destroys EVERYONE'S trust and faith. That is what betrayal is.

 

And if you are not ready for life-altering shame and consequences...then get out and END it now.

 

If you think people --family, friends, coworkers, and children will look kindly upon you as the AP who made mommy or daddy romantically happy, you are drinking the affair koolaid honey.

[waterwoman]

I suppose I could have hurt H's OW. Her H was abusive and controlling, hence her need, apparently, to get close to H. He sympathised and listened to her and they got too close. I knew OW, I knew where she lived, I had met her H (at their wedding 6 months before:rolleyes:). I could have told him, it would have been easy. I didn't because I wanted to keep away from it all as much as possible, and because if he really was so abusive, I didn't want to give him an excuse to hurt her, not to mention he had reputation for getting into fights and hurting people - I didn't want him coming after H and bringing it all to my door. Coward? yes, sensible? Definitely IMO.

 

If she had given me the same amount of misery that some APs seem to do after the affair ended I guess I might not have been so forebearing.

[ladydesigner]

If a PARENT truly wants to protect their children, they DO NOT HAVE SECRET AFFAIRS where they LIE to their family for months and sometimes years!

 

You may be living in la la land when it comes to expecting privacy and RESPECT as an AP once the affair is discovered.

 

Read the papers? Violence OFTEN happens on DDay.

 

Had you called the cops on my daughters or friends for knocking on your door or calling your workplace, I don't think they would have cared at that point in time.....the betrayal crazies are that great.

 

No sordid details were given, but I have news for you.....our children saw his change of demeanor during his affair, what I was chalking up to job stress because love is blind, and suspected the affair WAAAAAY before my accidental discovery of a text turned my reality on its ear.

 

So they weren't told....they deduced, immediately in one look at me on DDay.

 

like it or not, justified or not, you and he WILL become the enemy to people who value marriage and family.

 

Forget the feelings. It is the lying and sneaking around that destroys EVERYONE'S trust and faith. That is what betrayal is.

 

And if you are not ready for life-altering shame and consequences...then get out and END it now.

 

If you think people --family, friends, coworkers, and children will look kindly upon you as the AP who made mommy or daddy romantically happy, you are drinking the affair koolaid honey.

 

OMG what a fabulous post. Hell MM/MW need to read this like over and over again. YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL. Kids know and feel things. My WH was stupid enough to let our daughter play on his iphone hence how she intercepted some of MOW's messages to him.

 

Spark has it right, it isn't the cheating that cause people to become so upset, initially yes, but this "It is the lying and sneaking around that destroys EVERYONE'S trust and faith. That is what betrayal is." What is it with people that do not understand this element to A's.

[bentleychic]

No, I'm not worried, but in all honestly, if she feels the need to do something, I likely deserve it for what I've done to her. Hurting her was never, ever my intent and has been the reason several times why I've come close to quitting the whole thing.

[ladydesigner]

No, I'm not worried, but in all honestly, if she feels the need to do something, I likely deserve it for what I've done to her. Hurting her was never, ever my intent and has been the reason several times why I've come close to quitting the whole thing.

 

Well I'm sure my MOW said the same thing until exposure time, then not so much.