bcell77 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Hi everyone New to the forum but so hurt and confused. We have two lovely kids 14 and 3 yo. After apretty up and down 17 year relationship which did include me having a one night stand after she finished d with me about 6 years ago although this has been out in the open for 2 and a half years we have just had the best 18 months ever. Only 4 weeks ago we had an amazing holiday where she told me of her own back that she was so in love again. We then had a great day at a concert just ten days ago and our sx life has been so loving. We would hold hands in the car on drives home. I read our cards she had sent me just 4 months ago and she said I had cracked it and made her feel so special and loved me more than ever. I made the mistake of freaking out over work last week and things have spiralled after an argument. No violence as there never has been. She has been so hurtful saying that this year has been a her kidding herself. She has got depression and is smoki ng weed drinking and being totally not herself. She ripped up the cards I front of me and keeps talking about seeing other men. She is snappi g with my eldest but keeps saying how happy she is without me knw but we were great just a couple of weeks ago. I need advise and help because I am in more pain than I have ever been in before. Will the 180 method help
ggas Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 If this was just a young relationship I would have said "The hell with with drunk junkie. Go **** other women. ". Buuuut since this is a 17 year old thing and you also have two kids both at VERY FRAGILE AGES you have to consider them before anything else. Basically you have to shield them from the drama in your relationship so that they wouldn't feel abandoned. When I was a kid I saw my parents going through the same **** and trust me, it left A HUGE DENT in my personality. So yeah... kids FIRST. I would also have a CALM and RATIONAL conversation with your gf/wife. I would be like "Look... baby... We're having a tough period. Let's be calm and rational about this. I love you deeply. We should not throw away 17 years just like that. We're not teenagers anymore, we can be adults about this. Let's go to counseling together. Let's take a trip. Let's do anything it takes to rekindle our love. For our sake and for our children' sake. " if she is adamant about this not in love you with, wants to breakup and so on then LAWYER UP, try to have a conversation with your eldest, make an assessment if you should fight for custody or not and then try to move away from the relationship as unharmed as possible. It's gonna hurt man. I'm not gonna lie. There will be moments when you will ask yourself "Why me?" but if she smokes weed a lot and drinks a lot and if she also refuses any sort of help then there's nothing for you to do than walk away and protect your kids. You could also go on "Intervention". Just kidding All the best to you man. Good luck
Author bcell77 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Also did not mention that her mum died three years ago aged 52 out the blue 4 weeks after our youngest was born. She has really changed in the last couple of months as well and keeps saying this is the new strong her but she is just being a bit spiteful in general although not to me until this last week. Does she need space. She has gone heavily into spiritual clairvoyant sh*t since her mum. I really am so sad and just do not know what to do.can not face life without her. Have been grovelling and two nights ago took the kids out and she made sure I would be there because she went out to the pub. I had to stay with the kids and when she returned she was on the attack straight away. Ended up with her attacking my car and threatening to throw a brick through the windscreen. Neighbours called the police buf she cannot accept that she is acting out ic character. WTF has happened in my life in the space of a week. Any help would be so appreciated.
Author bcell77 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Thanks ggas The drinking has only really started the last three weeks or so. Weed was something we both done but I gave it up for a long time but slipped back into a couple of months ago. I hqve now quit again as I realised it can cause problems. She is using the fact I started again as a reason for the split but she will not give up herself. Sounds like she is no good but she is a wonderful kind person who is just acting out of character. Dont know if the drink and weed ijust mixing with her antidepressants or what. I hve never been depressed so can not understand although I feel depressed now. Do I just leave her to work this through herself or keep trying to work on her. She is barely talking to me at the moment and I am living with my parents at the age of 36. F*ck this hurts. T the
ggas Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Just man it up and go ask her for a mature conversation. Like over a coffee or some tea. Coffee is too mainstream. Try to be as reasonable as possible and willing to compromise and meet her halfway. If she doesn't want to meet you halfway then say "OK. I think our lives will move in different directions from now on." and confidently walk away. To be honest, there isn't much more you can do. Good luck to you mate
Author bcell77 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Just been around to collect the kids for the day and she is still full of hate sayi ng she doesnt know me and stirring up about the argument. She is making me feel like a stranger when we have been soulmates for 17 years. Will this hate ever subside and we will ever be able to sit down and talk. She said she doesnt want to knw about my life and will not be telling me about hers. It has only been 8 days am I pushing for to much to soon. I told her j respect her de cision but I am the man who she was on holiday with 4 weeks ago and hope we can be friends one day. Am I playing this right???
Chi townD Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Why did you move out? If she wants everything to end, then SHE can move out. She can leave. If I were you, I would just move back in. Don't tell her you're doing this, just do it. If she wants the relationship to end, then she can leave.
Author bcell77 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 Her name is on tenancy so not an option really .Dropped the kids back and my eldest daughter told me to not even talk to her mum as she needs to realise i am strong enough to get by if thats how she wants it .also told me to not pick up the little one tomorrow from nursery as she doesnt deserve my help. Very astute little 14 year old. When I got there I dropped the kids off and bailed. Low and behold ex asked me to talk about 14 year olds birthday.Next week. She had already told my daughter that I could not go and told me the same. I said that I will be there and we could be mature made a wiseceack and she relented ! ! She then said my family could not come but I said fine. Think she is embarrassed. Then asked when I will be seeing the kids to which I replied saturday . Then said can I lift her to work. Said yes and I might not even make her sit in the boot (trunk for you Americans!) To great laughter fron my daughter. Walked away feeling stronger and went and chilled with a couple of mates all night. Called my daughter to say good advice but she did not answer. Ex called later to see what I wanted. Said little ones left her hairband will bring it on saturday wished her a goodnight and politely hung up.know its only a small victory but a victory none the less. Know it has no bearing on the outcome but at least things are slightly better and she is willing to be in the same room/car as me.
Author bcell77 Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Eventful couple of days. She has backtracked a little and I am looking after the kids in the flat while she goes out for yet another drink. She is staying at our neighbours in the adjacent block. She is being a little less hostile but have researched and found out she should not be drinking on her antidepressants so I am dealing with a classic depressed partner issue. Have still got to keep up yhe 180 method but have to water it down as complete 180 might f*ck it up even more. This is a real tricky situation and I have no idea wether I am dealing with it the right way. Depression is a bitch. Wished I had been better informed and dealt with this better in the past. At least its keeping me of the weed.Feel like a mug ,used to be a boxer so I am a nanly guy but need to let her appear in control to empower her but this is a strain!
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