Marks Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I haven't been on the dating scene for a very long time and figured that it was about time to get something going. But since I don't really have any good places to meet new people, I figured I'd give online dating a try. So I signed up for OkCupid and have been using it for about two months. Anyway, my experience so far has been typical for a guy (from what I've read here)...sending out messages but pretty much getting no replies. Well, just yesterday to my astonishment I actually had a girl message ME! Haha, I was pretty stoked to say the least. Basically the message alluded to something I've written in my profile, and she asked me whether I'd be down to meetup for drinks: I wouldn't mind you giving me a tour of the area.. and maybe we can get frozen yogurt as well haha i'm mandy - msg me if you are interested in getting together for drinks or something I racked my brain for a good 15-20 minutes trying to figure out the best message to respond with, without trying to come off creepy or stupid, and so I responded with this (this is like three hours after she first messaged me): Hi Mandy! Well, you're in luck, because I might just have an opening in my tour schedule to give a personalized tour Haha. Yeah, I'd be totally be down for getting together for drinks! Quickly after that I also wrote her a message with my name, since I forgot to add that in the initial message :/ So I've been patiently waiting for a response, but so far I've got nothing. I just logged back into OKC a few minutes ago and I see that she visited my profile again this morning...but like I said, no response. And when I look her up (but not actually visiting her profile), I see that she's "online"... so now I'm thinking, what gives? Shortly after I sent her a reply, I figured I maybe should have just asked her when she's free, or that maybe I should have asked her a few questions about herself beforehand. Or that maybe my attempt at being funny come off wrong. So I'm not sure... What do you guys think? Did I reply with the wrong message? Should I wait and try to message her again? I wasn't sure how to reply initially because I figured most people would want to message back and forth online a few times before meeting, but she just straight up asked if I wanted to get together. Almost sounds too good to be true.
Ami1uwant Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 How old are you? Its quite common for someone not to respond to a reply for a while even if they started it. Alot of times women only speak to one person at a time so she could have sent this message to 5 guys and the first response won. Her being online currently doesnt amount to much. Now with the era of cell phones and apps people can be always logged on just like with facebook...but not really on. With your reply...I think you got a little too cute. That sort of response can be read differently by different people..instead just be direct.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You're going to have to get used to the reality that a lot of women on dating sites (perhaps men do this too but I wouldn't know about that) sound interested or give you deliberate signals that they're interested even though they have absolutely no intention of ever meeting you. Not responding is just a passive way of rejecting you. Either that, or she's so inundated with messages that she has to take a long time to get back to you...
dasein Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 There are lots of "things that live under bridges" on the free dating sites as well. My bet is on that given those details. 2
BradJacobs Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 More than likely you weren't the only one she sent that message to. She probably just changed up a few words to make it seem personalized. So now she's filtering through the guys who responded. It happens a lot.
Author Marks Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 How old are you? Late 20's. With your reply...I think you got a little too cute. That sort of response can be read differently by different people..instead just be direct. You know, I sorta thought the same. Moments after I sent it I started wondering if it was a bad idea to include that line about the tour. Figured it might get misconstrued... Yeah, what you guys are saying are some of the suspicions I've been having. I've come to learn that a lot of these OLD contacts are very fickle. I've had a few other message exchanges as well, and you're right...there would be times I wouldn't get a reply for days after I responded, after I already basically wrote the person off. So I guess I just leave it be?
Author Marks Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I guess also what I'm really wondering is whether I should have just asked her right off the bat about when she's free to meet? I hesitated to do that because I felt it might be too fast to ask that after just one message. But maybe I should have just been direct about it.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I guess also what I'm really wondering is whether I should have just asked her right off the bat about when she's free to meet? I hesitated to do that because I felt it might be too fast to ask that after just one message. But maybe I should have just been direct about it. I've tried it both ways. Asked a girl out really quickly, and waited a while. Worked about the same either way.
Gottabestrong Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Hi Mandy! Well, you're in luck, because I might just have an opening in my tour schedule to give a personalized tour Haha. Yeah, I'd be totally be down for getting together for drinks! I would have loved that reply. My reaction would have been to reply soon and say something like: 'Cool, when does your tourbus come to town? ' My point is: Your message was fine, if she did not think it was funny then maybe your type of humor is not compatible with hers. Who knows why she did not reply? Maybe she really sent this message to a few guys. Either way, I'd let it go and not contact her again. Ball is in her corner now. If you don't hear from her again, don't think it is because you did something wrong. At the end of the day you will probably not be compatible with over 90% of people you meet. The trick is to weed out the incompatible ones as quickly as possible. Maybe you just weeded one out without having to go through the trouble of going out on a date, having to spend money, etc. Think positive and good luck!
phineas Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You're going to have to get used to the reality that a lot of women on dating sites (perhaps men do this too but I wouldn't know about that) sound interested or give you deliberate signals that they're interested even though they have absolutely no intention of ever meeting you. Not responding is just a passive way of rejecting you. Either that, or she's so inundated with messages that she has to take a long time to get back to you... I've had women give me their number then ignore me when I called or texted. I've had women give me their number, text me, flirt with me, call me then flake on meet day last min with lame excuses & then ignore me. Eventually I just sick of OLD & hide my profile for a few months while I work out & get in better shape. Then go back. I do have to wonder what these women are looking for because 3 months later when I log back in & enable my account most of the same women are still online. Hell, some who pulled a disappearing act on me months past actually meet up with me 2nd time around. But then they decide they don't like me. LOL! Usually, it's the women who scare me that want to see me again.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You sounded too enthusiastic IMO. Two exclamation points and an emoticon in 3 sentences. And then a second message quickly after that. Way too eager, looks somewhat desperate. Could also be that she messaged that to 50 guys and 40 of them responded. Now you're penis #34 in the queue and your hold time is 4-6 months.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 There are lots of "things that live under bridges" on the free dating sites as well. My bet is on that given those details. This ^ And I don't think your response was bad at all. Maybe one less "!", but otherwise pretty much good old, solid yet light banter.
Author Marks Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 You sounded too enthusiastic IMO. Two exclamation points and an emoticon in 3 sentences. And then a second message quickly after that. Way too eager, looks somewhat desperate. Could also be that she messaged that to 50 guys and 40 of them responded. Now you're penis #34 in the queue and your hold time is 4-6 months. Geez...this is another aspect of online dating that I'm not liking so far...the fact that something like that can make or break an interaction. Lol, that's just how I write, I'm not going to apologize for my use of punctuation, or the fact that I quickly followed up with my name because I forgot to mention it in my first message. It just seems silly to judge someone by that. If she really did think I came off desperate by using one exclamation point too many, then I don't think she would have been worth the trouble for me. 1
clia Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I don't see anything wrong with your response. Don't overthink it. It's possible that you were just one of several guys she sent messages to, and she misjudged and you all responded and she had to eliminate someone. Or she was drunk and messing around and on second thought decided there was something about your profile that she didn't like. I don't think you should waste another minute thinking about it.
Treasa Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 The reply bit about the tour did sort of sound a little lecherous. And I'm someone who tends to make a LOT of things sound lecherous, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. Either way, you meant no harm, and if she doesn't reply, her loss? Next time just say what you're going to reply out loud. If it can easily be taken sexually, then rethink it. 1
Author Marks Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Next time just say what you're going to reply out loud. If it can easily be taken sexually, then rethink it. Good advice, haha.
charlietheginger Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 She just wants to be taken out . You will buy her food drinks waste gas Most serious women send messages asking for More pictures,asking about work,hobbies Things you like to do. Example Hi im mandy im new to the city (insert city name) I read your profile im a big fan of the band ( insert band) We might have alot in common can you tell me more About yourself and some of the places you hangout. are your pics recent? Can you send a few more. When a women is interested in a guy she wants details And to know more about the man versus Hi im mandy take me out and buy me ****
BreakOnThrough Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 NEVER let a Woman dictate a meetup online, you should have responded with, "perhaps after we message a bit" and then YOU make the determination after she proves herself to you. Take control, you're the Man.
Author Marks Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 LMFAO, so this girl just messaged me again on OKC: "Heyy any plans tonight?" Haha, what do I do? Do I respond? I actually don't really have plans tonight, but I'm inclined to deny her based on the fact that it took her three days to reply... Should I tell her that I'm busy and we can meet up some other time? Or should I bite and try to meetup with her and see what this is about?
Gottabestrong Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 If you want to meet her and are free tonight, go for it! You got nothing to loose.
Author Marks Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 If you want to meet her and are free tonight, go for it! You got nothing to loose. I'm not sure...I'm all for spontaneity and all, but I don't even know the girl. Just seems so sudden, you'd think she'd want to get to know me a little more.
sdraw108 Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I'm groaning reading this. Take our out for god's sake! Don't play silly mind games. It's not like you have dozens of girls throwing themselves at you (you said yourself you've had no luck so far at OLD). I can't even begin to fathom why you'd turn it down just because she took 3 days to come back to you. Let's look at it another way. You said you probably wouldn't want to bother with her if you knew she was judging you for your exclamation point. I agreed with that; I can't be bothered with petty people either. But how would you react if you asked her out, and then found out she turned it down because of how long you took to respond to a first message?
bubbaganoosh Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I was in my mid 50's, single for maybe 10 years, and a woman I worked with, who was in her mid 30's said to me one morning, "would you like me to take you to lunch"? It really caught me off guard being that she's in her mid 30's and me, mid 50's and I was so surprised that my answer was "Why?". Then she started to explain and I said yes I would like to have lunch and a few years before when I was in my mid 40's, I met a woman and invited her over for dinner and told her that I was a excellent cook, (which I am). She agreed and when she showed up she bought me roses and a box with 6 huge chocolate covered strawberries. I didn't know how to act being that nothing like that ever happened to me before. Finally I kick started my brain and said thank you. Just want to let you know that if your not used to the dating scene, it takes a while so hang in there.
Author Marks Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 Just want to let you know that if your not used to the dating scene, it takes a while so hang in there. Thanks. I think what you described is sort of like what I just experienced. I wasn't sure what to make of it when this girl just messaged me out of the blue again. Particularly I think it's the fact that she's been so forward. Most girls I've had interactions with in the past would beat around the bush a lot...basically making me have to figure out that they wanted to be taken out. Then again, I've never really dated much in the first place, so all of this has always been really foreign to me. I'm groaning reading this. Take our out for god's sake! Don't play silly mind games. It's not like you have dozens of girls throwing themselves at you (you said yourself you've had no luck so far at OLD). I can't even begin to fathom why you'd turn it down just because she took 3 days to come back to you. Let's look at it another way. You said you probably wouldn't want to bother with her if you knew she was judging you for your exclamation point. I agreed with that; I can't be bothered with petty people either. But how would you react if you asked her out, and then found out she turned it down because of how long you took to respond to a first message? You're right, I hear ya on that. It was silly of me to hesitate, and so I finally came to my senses and messaged her back. Anyway, like I said I messaged her back and asked if she had anything in mind, and then suggested a place where we could meet up........ that was at around 6:30p. It's now 10:30p and I still haven't heard back if she was down with the place. Obviously it's too late now to do anything. So I have no idea what her aim was by messaging me again asking me if I was free tonight. I guess maybe my suggestion of where to meet up wasn't to her liking...but she could've just said so? Besides, it's not like it was a bad place to meet (in my opinion--just a local bar that has a nice laidback atmosphere). I'm not sure if I should try messaging her again, because I get the feeling it'll just be the same story again. What's the point?
Star Gazer Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 I'm not sure...I'm all for spontaneity and all, but I don't even know the girl. Just seems so sudden, you'd think she'd want to get to know me a little more. Hahahaha... It's so cute seeing this from a guy, as usually I think it's the ladies in your shoes (getting quick/sudden invites)!
Recommended Posts