Delilah1623 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 If you are the dumpee and still in love with the person is it ok to fight for the relationship a bit? Is is normal to try and call or text and want to talk about it and get closure? Do you just accept that they're done even if you don't want to be and walk away? Do you say nasty things and try to hurt them? I see so many stories about texting constantly for weeks or months. My friends girlfriend attacked him, smashed his TV, tore things off the wall,etc until he called the cops. I work with a girl that stabbed her ex with a fork. You see this kind of stuff in movies a lot so I am guessing people relate to it. I am curious how most people handle it. I am divorced but the breakup was several years in the coming. My next bf was psycho and is spending 15 years in prison. My recent break up is my first actual dating break up. Dumpers and dumpees please share.
hellischrome Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 From the dumper side: Sometimes is annoying. Because if you dump someone you are basically ready to start your new life, and the dumpee is not there. Therefore every contact asking for explanation is annoying, and boring. But I always thought that after 7 years I owed explanations as much as my ex needed them, so I always responded. I realized that it was taking me days to answer and probably it was agony for him, until he stopped writing. Given that I am aware of how difficult NC is, I wrote him one last time (no breadcrumbs, I have always been clear that I wouldn't go back with him) saying that I wasn't ignoring him and that I could always be there if he needed to hear from me, and I had no problems with that since the situation was pretty clear. From the dumpee side: ouch!!! I cannot do NC, I just can't. I keep on writing even if the dumper clearly said he needs space and time, and I clearly cannot do it at the moment. Because it makes ME feel bad to go NC, and in this moment unfortunately I can only think short term. I can't accept he is done with me, because he keeps on seeing me when I call. Yesterday he came over and we slept together - he hugged me all night. How can I possibly deal with that? 1
robaday Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Ill chip in! Ive found from the past the first two months are by far the most important. Its the period when you can self destruct, its the period when you can damage any remaining respect your ex had for you, where you can destroy any chance at a second chance, where you can ruin the chance of ever being friends and also when you might contemplate going back to an ex......i dont know why but this seems to be the time that dumpers get back in touch, its also the time as a dumper when you might be ready to move on.....2 months gives you perspective on whether you want that person in your life..... In terms of how you respond, to them do nothing....you can be crying, you can be angry, you can be distraught or completely crazy, but to them do nothing.....people do crazy things when theyre traumatized (i know i have!) but this isnt about whos right or wrong its just about it being "over" and accepting it.....its like a race in a way - the sooner you can reach acceptance the sooner youll be able to move on. I also think that dumpers can suffer down the line on this front - they think because they ended it they can get you back.....if your further down the line of moving on then they can be pretty crazy if you reject them...... How do I respond? I tell them how I feel one last time and then walk and dont look back. Then I know Ive tried and can move on with my conscience clear I did everything. After that though Im gone and there is no going back no matter how much they try, Im gone. 1st two weeks-a month i grieve, get drunk and try and meet other women! not what a lot of people on here preach but those couple weeks are tough and you need to get out and meet people - its important to face it head on. Then the second month I start building myself, work out what i want to do with my new spare time, what goals i have, focus on building a new life and getting tougher mentally and physically....
AllTooWell Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 From my times as a dumper I had emotionally checked out of the relationship a WHILE before it ended. When it ended, I felt bad for hurting the other person's feelings but I knew I was doing the right thing. If they had questions, I answered them. I never initiated contact with them and would take time to reply (never being overly friendly) That sounds cruel but that is how I would like to be treated. Giving someone constant breadcrumbs (whether you realize it's what you're doing or not) is cruel and manipulative behaviour. As a dumpee, I was upset but in most cases left it. When my last relationship ended, I was really hurt and did text him, ask him for closure, etc. He would also breadcrumb me (it was a very painful breakup for both sides, he was not just moving on with his life.) Because of this the pain was really drawn out for me. Until recently I really missed him in my life and was struggling with NC. Now I feel like I see who he really is, and I don't care anymore. I think it's important to remember that when you are dumped, the person is telling you they no longer want you. It doesn't matter if you beg or plead (because the fact is, even if they take you back, you had to beg for them. That's extremely depressing and sad.)
aloneinaz Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 As a dumper- Like others have said, it wasn't a knee jerk reaction. It was something that I'd been thinking about for weeks or a month or two before ending the relationship. I no longer felt it for them and wanted to move on. I was always very nice in delivering the message because I believe in Karma. They'd reach out a couple of times and I'd always talk to them but the decision was made. As the dumpee- this is new to me. My ex broke up with me three times this year. Each time, I'd let a couple of weeks go by and contact her and we'd get back together. The final time was enough for me. Our problems were on her and she knew it. She got mad at me because I told her I was tired of how she was talking to me. This got her all fired up and she ended it. I said "Ok, I'll get my stuff in the next day or two" and left. I did get my stuff two days later and blocked her on Facebook. She's heard nothing but silence since for almost two months now. I started dating after a couple of weeks and am now seeing someone I really like. Meanwhile, I'm told she's on two different dating sites every night still. Karma baby. I was a great b-friend to her and her kids and she was just a selfish ass..
cavalier99 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Ha Most of us respond poorly. I sure did! I have voved next time ill make a graceful exit if i ever get dumped again and go immediate NC. Live and learn.
Author Delilah1623 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Thanks for your replies. Ill be honest, I had some selfish intentions. Wanted to see where I fell on the crazy/hot scale lol
Author Delilah1623 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I think it probably depends on the situation too. If you don't really see it coming and what turns from him having a bad day into the end if the future you were planning together you probably don't always react logically it rational. It helps to know I'm not the only one that kind of freaks out.
Maggotface Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Oh my, as the dumpee I usually drink myself stupid for a day or two and contact them via phone after a few days have past so I can clear my head. Not so much to reconsile more so just to clear things up with the break up and personal belongings that need to be returned.
travelonic Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) Let's just say the college I went to almost had to replace a mirror, toilet, sink fixture, and paper towel dispenser. [the emotional affair she pursued getting to the point where it caused a break up - walked in to the lounge my friends and I hanged out in after class to find her flirting with the dude on my way back from my exercise class when **** hit the fan, so I went to change into my normal non-exercise clothes when the impact started hitting me like a ton of bricks.] Then things got a little more pest-like, and then calmed down 3 months after **** hit the fan. Edited July 25, 2013 by travelonic
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