Should I Confess!?

[Jace3287]

I have been in a very good relationship for over 2 years now. I love my girlfriend very much. I would never want to hurt her. Well the other day I had some friends over for a party. One of my friends has a crush on me but she knows I will never leave my girlfriend for her. But the other night we got really drunk and found ourselves alone. Long story short she ended up wanting to see me masturbate while she had her breasts out. I guess at the time we felt this wasn't cheating. And I thought it was kind of exciting having her watch me knowing she can't actually have me. But the next day when I sobered up I realized how wrong this was and now I feel absolutely horrible. It makes me feel so bad that I realized I would never want to do anything even remotely close to cheating on my girlfriend ever again. But I can't seem to let this go. She most likely won't find out because this other girl also feels horrible and admitted we should never do anything like that again. I've read many similar forums that say it is selfish to tell your significant other and hurt her over something that I know I will never do again. Plus ever since I did this it made me realize how much greater my girlfriend is than I ever considered. And I have vowed to always treat her extremely well from now on. And she has been very happy since I made this change. It also shocked me so bad that I have even cut my drinking down by like 90%. I have always drank too much and this made me realize I want to be a better person. What should I do? Confess to my embarrassing and selfish act in order to be completely truthful and relieve some guilt? Or bury this secret deep down, sparing her that pain, and swear to be a better boyfriend to her?

[Eggplant]

Long story short she ended up wanting to see me masturbate while she had her breasts out. I guess at the time we felt this wasn't cheating.

 

You shouldn't even engage in conversations regarding sex with people of the opposite gender. Did you really think to yourself it wasn't cheating?

 

Yes, of course you should confess.

[Jace3287]

I understand it was cheating. But do I really want to throw away my relationship and crush her for something like this? I know it was bad, but it stopped before any contact happened.

[janedoe67]

I have been in the same conundrum.

 

I truly believe you should confess. Honesty is such an important part of a relationship - even the tough honesty (or maybe especially the tough honesty).

 

I confessed my first A. My husband was crushed, but the fact that I voluntarily came to him DID make a difference.

 

Several years later I made the same wrong choice. This time I didn't confess. And just as it frequently does, one bizarre random thing caused him to find out. And let me tell you, him finding out on his own and "catching" me has been much harder. Because of the knowledge he has that had he not stumbled on it, I would have kept the lie indefinitely.

 

When you do confess, just give the facts with compassion and be careful that none of your words even hint at excuses.

 

"Honey, I betrayed you and our relationship, and I have no excuse. X and I did Y at this party, and I cannot believe I allowed myself to make such a choice. I know this hurts you immensely, but I promise you I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help you heal from this and help to restore trust again."

 

Then put your money where your mouth is.

[Spark1111]

Hmmm.....so if your gf was drunk and she touched herself naked while another man you know had his junk out and watched her, BUT they never touched each other just got off personally.....you wouldn't need to know this because it's NOT cheating, right?

 

At what point did you tell yourself this was okay? YOU have severe boundary issues my friend. And don't blame the alcohol, okay?

 

People get drunk outta their shoes and never, ever find themselves naked and jerking to bare breasted women who are not their SO, ok? Alcohol gets such a bad rap in infidelity, IMO, and frankly, I'm tired of it.

 

Of course you have to confess and bear the consequences. true intimacy means no keeping of secrets, especially one as unusual as your secret.

 

Together you set boundaries around the primary relationship to keep it safe from this nonsense, IF you want to be exclusive with someone you cherish and she with you.

 

You did not think of crushing her when you were doing it, right? that's the time to think of such things BEFORE anyone takes their clothes off and starts exposing their genitals for .....fun.

[beatnik1967]

I hate those words. So much resentment built up now. I have this emotional wall of control and its getting strong. Those words then suddenly at the same time ritualistically I hear in my head "I love you but I am not in love with you". But I dont cry, I reply "I love you too".

 

Hi everyone. This is my first draft of this first poem I ever wrote. Also the first time posting on this forum or any forum. For some reason felt an urge to share. Even if you dont like it, it makes me feel better.

Im so messed up.

[BetrayedH]

I have been in a very good relationship for over 2 years now. I love my girlfriend very much. I would never want to hurt her. Well the other day I had some friends over for a party. One of my friends has a crush on me but she knows I will never leave my girlfriend for her. But the other night we got really drunk and found ourselves alone. Long story short she ended up wanting to see me masturbate while she had her breasts out. I guess at the time we felt this wasn't cheating. And I thought it was kind of exciting having her watch me knowing she can't actually have me. But the next day when I sobered up I realized how wrong this was and now I feel absolutely horrible. It makes me feel so bad that I realized I would never want to do anything even remotely close to cheating on my girlfriend ever again. But I can't seem to let this go. She most likely won't find out because this other girl also feels horrible and admitted we should never do anything like that again. I've read many similar forums that say it is selfish to tell your significant other and hurt her over something that I know I will never do again. Plus ever since I did this it made me realize how much greater my girlfriend is than I ever considered. And I have vowed to always treat her extremely well from now on. And she has been very happy since I made this change. It also shocked me so bad that I have even cut my drinking down by like 90%. I have always drank too much and this made me realize I want to be a better person. What should I do? Confess to my embarrassing and selfish act in order to be completely truthful and relieve some guilt? Or bury this secret deep down, sparing her that pain, and swear to be a better boyfriend to her?

 

If you really care about your GF and want to have a truly intimate relationship with her, that's not going to happen with such a huge lie between you. If you want any hope of a relationship worth staying in for life, you will have to get this confession out of the way. You don't protect her by lying to her about your betrayal.

 

Look, people make mistakes. We're all human. It doesn't have to define you for life. But admitting, learning from, and doing your best to correct your mistakes can define your character. If you don't do those things, you haven't learned jack from that experience (except that you can cheat on your GF and get away with it). What if you stay with this girl and marry her? Will you take your secret to the grave, always knowing that her marriage to you is a sham?

 

Time to fess up. If your GF is as great as you say, your confession may help to show that you're worth a second chance. It also doubles your chances of reconciling with her (as compared to a discovery). Just get it over with and prove that you're worth the second chance.

[BetrayedH]

I hate those words. So much resentment built up now. I have this emotional wall of control and its getting strong. Those words then suddenly at the same time ritualistically I hear in my head "I love you but I am not in love with you". But I dont cry, I reply "I love you too".

 

Hi everyone. This is my first draft of this first poem I ever wrote. Also the first time posting on this forum or any forum. For some reason felt an urge to share. Even if you dont like it, it makes me feel better.

Im so messed up.

 

Start your own thread. Tell your story. People are here to help.

[Jace3287]

Time to fess up. If your GF is as great as you say, your confession may help to show that you're worth a second chance. It also doubles your chances of reconciling with her (as compared to a discovery). Just get it over with and prove that you're worth the second chance.

 

OK, so I told her I wasn't faithful and that I exposed myself to this other women and she showed me her breasts. I left the graphic details out, I read somewhere that being vague but still confessing to infedelity is the best way to let her know without her imagining the details She was pretty hurt and her reaction when I told her I screwed up made my heart break. I never want her to look or feel that way again. I think we can work through this. She is more amazing than I realized.

[BetrayedH]

OK, so I told her I wasn't faithful and that I exposed myself to this other women and she showed me her breasts. I left the graphic details out, I read somewhere that being vague but still confessing to infedelity is the best way to let her know without her imagining the details She was pretty hurt and her reaction when I told her I screwed up made my heart break. I never want her to look or feel that way again. I think we can work through this. She is more amazing than I realized.

 

Nice work, Jace. I'm sure that was tremendously difficult but that part is over and you did the right thing.

 

While you may not be married, I recommend you read the thread posted at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know.

 

Some good books are, How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair by Linda McDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

 

Now comes the part where you rebuild trust and learn better how to protect your relationship from threats like this. Reading the books will show you're taking some initiative and help you learn the basics. Going to individual counseling is also an excellent step. You need to figure out why you would risk so much. Your choice to fool around was illogical, unethical, destructive, and against your own beliefs. You need to dig deep to determine your personal "why." Wayward behavior typically stems from having an excessive need for external validation, being severely conflict avoidant, or having an overdeveloped sense of entitlement (or a combination). Something from your family-of-origin/childhood is probably the key to understanding why the affection from your GF wasn't enough. If you learn your personal "why," you can better recognize this vulnerability in the future (and avoid the use of this coping mechanism) and your GF will then have more confidence that she won't suffer a repeat performance. LEARN from this.

 

I would also caution you against withholding details from her. You may initially "spare her" pain (and some betrayed persons don't want/need details) but over the longer term, your willingness to be open/honest/vulnerable may be far more important to her than putting her head in the sand. If she wants details, give them to her. The thread I mentioned can explain why better than what I can do here.

 

Again, I applaud your courage in confessing. Stick around. Keep reading and posting. It sounds like your GF is worth it.

[Jace3287]

I would also caution you against withholding details from her. You may initially "spare her" pain (and some betrayed persons don't want/need details) but over the longer term, your willingness to be open/honest/vulnerable may be far more important to her than putting her head in the sand. If she wants details, give them to her. The thread I mentioned can explain why better than what I can do here.

 

Thank you for your help and compassion. I really do appreciate it. Do you think I should give her all the details then, or just let it go unless she brings it up? I feel giving her all the information will not help her in this situation. She is aware that I was not faithful, and knows I never touched this other women and that I completely feel ashamed and regretful. I won't lie if she asks but am I wrong for keeping that information from her?

[NoConfidence]

Speaking as a BS who's bf cheated for 2 years, and did not find out until 8 months after it ended, and even then faced trickle truth that is STILL coming up (the odd detail), tell her everything and tell her now.

 

You did a really good thing confessing. It hurt so much for me to hear from a "small world" coincidence. Not telling the whole truth could lead to her finding out more details later, especially if she takes matters into her own hands and asks the girl crushing on you. She will feel as if this is an additional betrayal, because in a way it is. It is lying by omission.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thank you for your help and compassion. I really do appreciate it. Do you think I should give her all the details then, or just let it go unless she brings it up? I feel giving her all the information will not help her in this situation. She is aware that I was not faithful, and knows I never touched this other women and that I completely feel ashamed and regretful. I won't lie if she asks but am I wrong for keeping that information from her?

 

Jace,

 

good job in telling her, awful i know, but you are rebuilding with honesty.

My thoughts.

 

1. Tell her you are very sorry and that if she has any questions, or wants to know anything to ask and you will tell her and you tell her whatever she wants to know.do not lie, do not minimize. Tell the whole truth, based on what she WANTS to know. Her choice.. You will not be upset. She may get angry over time as she thinks about what you did. She may ask the same question 20 times. Do not lie, do not minimize, tell the truth.

2. You can no longer be friends with the girl. You need to end that friendship. There is a thing called a no contact letter, read about it and do it. No texting, calling, Facebook, you crossed a boundary that can never be uncrossed.

3. Learn about what you did and why...alcohol loosens up people but rarely cause people to do things they are cot capable of. So you and friend have sexual tension, attraction, and the booze makes it seem like a good idea. Read books, therapy, AA whatever.

4. Apologize a lot. Be transparent.

5. No parties with mixed company without your girlfriend.

 

Keep posting. You are doing great.

[BetrayedH]

Jace,

 

good job in telling her, awful i know, but you are rebuilding with honesty.

My thoughts.

 

1. Tell her you are very sorry and that if she has any questions, or wants to know anything to ask and you will tell her and you tell her whatever she wants to know.do not lie, do not minimize. Tell the whole truth, based on what she WANTS to know. Her choice.. You will not be upset. She may get angry over time as she thinks about what you did. She may ask the same question 20 times. Do not lie, do not minimize, tell the truth.

2. You can no longer be friends with the girl. You need to end that friendship. There is a thing called a no contact letter, read about it and do it. No texting, calling, Facebook, you crossed a boundary that can never be uncrossed.

3. Learn about what you did and why...alcohol loosens up people but rarely cause people to do things they are cot capable of. So you and friend have sexual tension, attraction, and the booze makes it seem like a good idea. Read books, therapy, AA whatever.

4. Apologize a lot. Be transparent.

5. No parties with mixed company without your girlfriend.

 

Keep posting. You are doing great.

 

I agree with this. Let her be your guide. Make it clear that whatever she wants to know, you'll answer. No lying. No minimizing.