Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 When you first meet and start dating someone, what would make you think that they are a serial dater? I think I may be missing the signs, help me. 1
dasein Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 How do you define serial dater? Regardless,the answer is probably you just have to either ask them some subtle questions, or get more face to face with them before you can tell. In the interim, keep a bit distant, emotionally and/or physically. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 How do you define serial dater? Regardless,the answer is probably you just have to either ask them some subtle questions, or get more face to face with them before you can tell. In the interim, keep a bit distant, emotionally and/or physically. What if they called you a serial dater? My friend was just accused of this, and we're both kinda scratching our heads wondering what made the guy think that. It made me wonder if he's really the serial dater and he's just projecting.
Forever Learning Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) I don't know if this helps, but sometimes every little bit of input, helps to paint a bigger picture, so I will give this input about dating, primarily online datine. When I got divorced roughly 2 years ago, my ex-husband (a bigtime jerk and liar) jumped right into the dating pool via online dating, and was a serial dater. He is mid 40's, fairly attractive, - and was in a long distance relationship at the time that he did the online dating thing (he is a dishonest guy). It seemed he was really just looking to get his kicks with women via sex and mind games, in my opinion. He must have dated several dozen women in a few months time, and he had a casual attitude about it. This casual, non-commital, and cavalier attitude (with plenty of charisma on top) seemed to really drive some of those women to want him (they had no idea what he really is of course - that takes time to discern, sometimes, ALOT of time....) Some of the women were really clingy and wanting to immediately be monogamous with him and have commitment. He led them on, used them, and dumped them. He liked the non-clingy ones best. But he used them all. Had the women moved slower and been more cautious with him, getting to know him well over time and not jump in the sack with him, they would have possibly seen a red flag here or there to clue them in on what a douchebag he is (but he hides it well, but a smart woman could figure it out over time, I believe). I hope that helped somehow. My advice: move slow with guys, get to know them as best you can on all levels before becoming physical. Even then, you still might get burned, but what more can you do? I know all this about my ex because when I would bring the kids over, he would brag and show me the online photos and tell me how he was juggling the women, etc etc. Edited July 25, 2013 by Forever Learning 2
dasein Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Ahhh. that's a bit different, thought you were suspecting someone you were dating of being that. I don't like the word personally. Like "player" it is used indiscriminately, and often means "person who rejected me in some way." Serial dating, is, as I have heard it used, generally a woman who milks OLD sites just to go on dates, get free drinks, meals, etc., without intending to continue with any of the men she meets, just serially dating. In all my OLDs, I only met one who probably did that. She emailed me, and suggested a date and a particular restaurant on the second email without even talking on the phone. She also happened to be one of only two "weight liars" I dated, showing up much heavier than her pictures or profile description... probably due to all the restaurant food she was eating on the serial dates. But to repeat, I think it's one of those way overused terms that is tossed out more than it applies, so unless your GF is dating 3 different guys a week from OLD and this goes on for months, it is probably just hot air from someone trying to get a dig in for some reason.
RedRobin Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Serial dating, is, as I have heard it used, generally a woman who milks OLD sites just to go on dates, get free drinks, meals, etc., without intending to continue with any of the men she meets, just serially dating. Interesting... and all this time, I've been offering to pay half for all my dates... Looks like I've been doing it wrong... :mad: But anyway, back to the topic... OP... Someone asked me that one time too... asked me how long I'd been doing OLD. I think that is one way some men gauge their chances with you. Might also be one way they try to assess how sexually active you are. In other words, if you date a lot, they assume you are probably sleeping with a lot of them too. If a guy asked me that, it would be a big turnoff. He might as well ask "are you a slut or a tease?" Same thing.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Ahhh. that's a bit different, thought you were suspecting someone you were dating of being that. I don't like the word personally. Like "player" it is used indiscriminately, and often means "person who rejected me in some way." Serial dating, is, as I have heard it used, generally a woman who milks OLD sites just to go on dates, get free drinks, meals, etc., without intending to continue with any of the men she meets, just serially dating. In all my OLDs, I only met one who probably did that. She emailed me, and suggested a date and a particular restaurant on the second email without even talking on the phone. She also happened to be one of only two "weight liars" I dated, showing up much heavier than her pictures or profile description... probably due to all the restaurant food she was eating on the serial dates. But to repeat, I think it's one of those way overused terms that is tossed out more than it applies, so unless your GF is dating 3 different guys a week from OLD and this goes on for months, it is probably just hot air from someone trying to get a dig in for some reason. She's actually kinda on the obsess-about-one-guy side of the spectrum, like me... but she's a little more hardcore. We're both the antithesis of the definition as it's commonly known (and as you described), and she makes it very clear that she's only dating with marriage in mind. How did he come up with that idea? I do have another friend who used to say, "Hey, a girl's gotta eat, right?" about online dating - she went through guys like lightening fast. She was definitely a serial dater, until she met her now-fiance on Match.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 OP... Someone asked me that one time too... asked me how long I'd been doing OLD. I think that is one way some men gauge their chances with you. Might also be one way they try to assess how sexually active you are. In other words, if you date a lot, they assume you are probably sleeping with a lot of them too. If a guy asked me that, it would be a big turnoff. He might as well ask "are you a slut or a tease?" Same thing. Interesting. I hadn't thought of it that way.
FitChick Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Serial dating used to be called "playing the field." A single person would date another single person and if there was no attraction, would move on and date someone else until both people at some point "clicked." You generally wouldn't have sex until you both felt that "click." I don't see the point of staying with someone you don't fancy for an extended period of time just in case strangers think you might be dating too much. It's nobody's business but yours. 4
FitChick Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 She also happened to be one of only two "weight liars" I dated, showing up much heavier than her pictures or profile description... probably due to all the restaurant food she was eating on the serial dates. You should have shown up with a carton of milk and a box of Rice Krispies. 2
New User Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 .... She also happened to be one of only two "weight liars" I dated, showing up much heavier than her pictures or profile description... probably due to all the restaurant food she was eating on the serial dates........ Never understood why anyone would do that. I've had it happen on OLD too. I left her in the restaurant. If you misrepresent yourself like that, I'm surely not going to waste my time with you.
sillyanswer Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 When you first meet and start dating someone, what would make you think that they are a serial dater? That they go on lots of dates with different people, serially rather than in a concurrent/overlapping ('multi-dating') way? But I don't see it as a bad thing. I mean... if I date someone and it doesn't work out then (unless I'm "hurt" and need time to recover in some way) I'll be looking for someone new because I want to date someone with whom things do work out. Looking for someone you want to keep dating seems, to me, like a healthy thing to do! and if that means dating plenty of people then that's just how it goes. Are you concerned that there's a negative connotation to being a "serial dater" ? Do people use the phrase to indicate someone who isn't actually looking for a relationship and so goes on dates just for the fun of dating? I don't see that as necessarily a bad thing, although it's clearly incompatible with what some other people might be looking for. Perhaps it depends on why someone is a serial dater? What's their intent?
Emilia Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I think all my male friends whom I'd describe as serial daters (regardless of connotation) have hobbies/interests/social life that enable them to meet women. They are in their late 30s, early 40s so for them to be going to parties so frequently still is one sign. I agree with Red Robin that they try to assess how active you are sexually, I've noticed that. They also tend to seek a lot of validation and approval.
StayBeautiful Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I think of serial dater as one at a time rather than multi dating. I think a recent "relationship" was with a serial dater. I'm dating to meet someone to settle down with. He says the same, but since he split from his wife 3 years ago he's not had anything lasting longer than 2 months. He dates, becomes bored, moves on. I think he's either addicted to the thrill of a new relationship, or he believes that love should be at first sight or not at all - and I think a lot of serial daters have the same mindset.
EasyHeart Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I think this is one of those examples of people who are just searching for something to criticize in the other person. 2
crude Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Serial dating, is, as I have heard it used, generally a woman who milks OLD sites just to go on dates, get free drinks, meals, etc., without intending to continue with any of the men she meets, just serially dating. I posted once about women I know who bought condos on the waterfront because they budgeted nothing for meals, concert tickets or trips. Those costs were picked up by the men they dated 3 or 4 times, before they went to another guy on their list. 2 men at a time can result in 4 free dates a week. A woman can save $250 a week or more, and $13,000 a year = the payments on a $200,000 mortgage. OLD is a godsend to some mooches.
StayBeautiful Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Instead of spending money and time getting ready to go out, I'm sure most women would rather just go to the supermarket and pick up something to eat. Most of those stories you read are urban myths - the occasional one who does it for a lifestyle to date rich men, or to write an article, does not make it a rule. It takes me 2 hours - and money for outfits, makeup and all that - to get ready for a date, I'm not going to do that every night of the week just to get a free dinner. Dating is EXHAUSTING. Pretending to be interested and have conversation with someone just to eat for free? Don't be absurd. It's always "women I know" or "I have a friend who knows a woman who told him" with these stories. 2
crude Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Instead of spending money and time getting ready to go out, I'm sure most women would rather just go to the supermarket and pick up something to eat. Not true. It's real. Obviously some women are homebodies and don't want to go out much, regardless of who pays for what. But there's a large segment of urban women who LOVE going out, they enjoy trying out new restaurants and going to concerts, and they love to unwind on the weekends on a mini-vacation. That's quite an expensive lifestyle if a woman goes with her female friends, but a free ride if she goes with men. Imagine 100 women who'd love to go to a Coldplay concert and eat at one of London's most exclusive restaurants. That's $400. If given the chance to let a sucker pay, I don't think it'd be a rare woman who'd go for it, it'd be the majority.
dasein Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Saying again, it was 1 out of more than 50 in my personal OLD, so no idea how common or not it is generally, but it was real for me, just not common. Part of the difficulty is proving it, who's going to admit to that? The one I dated also ordered an entree to take home on my tab. Afterwards, she said "you aren't going to call me again, are you?" Was proud of my reply, "Call you what exactly?"
Emilia Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Not true. It's real. Obviously some women are homebodies and don't want to go out much, regardless of who pays for what. But there's a large segment of urban women who LOVE going out, they enjoy trying out new restaurants and going to concerts, and they love to unwind on the weekends on a mini-vacation. That's quite an expensive lifestyle if a woman goes with her female friends, but a free ride if she goes with men. Imagine 100 women who'd love to go to a Coldplay concert and eat at one of London's most exclusive restaurants. That's $400. If given the chance to let a sucker pay, I don't think it'd be a rare woman who'd go for it, it'd be the majority. Our culture is different in the UK, women here tend to contribute financially so you are out a fair bit.
StayBeautiful Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Saying again, it was 1 out of more than 50 in my personal OLD, so no idea how common or not it is I'll tell you - "not very". A nice dinner and concert is just PAINFUL if you're there with someone you don't know, having to make small talk especially if neither of you are interested. And even if you are, the first date is a trial. This myth is perpetuated by men who think we women are only after them to eat out for free at the £10 burger joint. And even if it's a nice place? Yeah, I really want to spend 2 hours getting ready to sit opposite a stranger I barely know making awkward small talk over a steak. Night after night. Get real. Stop putting this about as reality, when in actual fact it's usually someone writing an article for attention. Sure, we've all made throwaway comments - a guy doesn't call you again, so you say "ah well, at least I got a nice dinner out of it". It's a flippant remark, I've known guys say the same "ah well at least I got a few shags" to cover up disappointment.
Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) I'm not sure what you mean by a serial dater to be honest SG. I believe that if you were to put the definitions of the words "serial" and "dater" together you'd get someone who dates only one person at a time. In a potential partner isn't that a good thing? (The word "serial" has a negative connotation probably because it's used most often in the phrase "serial killer". But it's really a value-neutral word, used in engineering ect ....e.g., setting the resistors up serially or in parallel...) If the guy meant that he thought this girl was a woman who "uses" her dates for free meals, drinks, validation... How did the conversation between your friend and her date go? Edited July 25, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
EasyHeart Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 It takes me 2 hours - and money for outfits, makeup and all that - to get ready for a dateMe too!!!!! 1
dasein Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Get real. Stop putting this about as reality, when in actual fact it's usually someone writing an article for attention. Sure, we've all made throwaway comments - a guy doesn't call you again, so you say "ah well, at least I got a nice dinner out of it". It's a flippant remark, I've known guys say the same "ah well at least I got a few shags" to cover up disappointment. No idea what your gripe is with me, I've said from the start I neither like the term nor have experienced it much. Calling it a myth, though, and stating so based on whether you yourself would do it, is too far the other way. Having lived in NYC, but not done OLD there, I can surely see it as a possibility for cash-strapped, rent poor women whether the company is perfectly delightful or not.
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