Seeing ex this week

[dsd85]

anybody has some feedback regarding my last two posts? i'm starting to feel really uneasy and uncertain about this...don't like feeling that way because i want to keep remaining cool

[daftpunk]

anybody has some feedback regarding my last two posts? i'm starting to feel really uneasy and uncertain about this...don't like feeling that way because i want to keep remaining cool

 

If you're starting to lose control of your emotions, you need to just wait things out a bit. Get back to your comfort zone like you were before. Any time you talk to him or see him, it should be in a state where things feel natural.

 

Don't ruin the good you've done so far by losing your marbles. Remember, at the end of the day, he has to come back to you. Not vice versa. So take your time and do your best to calm down and get in a more comfortable state of mind. If he doesn't come back while you're working on yourself, then he was never going to come back in the first place and there's nothing you could have said or done to change that. Do not second guess yourself here.

Edited July 30, 2013 by daftpunk

[Inviv_girl]

anybody has some feedback regarding my last two posts? i'm starting to feel really uneasy and uncertain about this...don't like feeling that way because i want to keep remaining cool

 

You don't know how he exactly feeling about you and the reconciliation was never mentioned. That meeting can be just friendly meeting, it might happen again as the previous.. it might not.

 

Remember, It was you who initiated the talk and wanted the meeting, he granted your request in friendly manner.. perhaps he just want to be nice to you. And this meeting keeps you wondering and you searching for certainty of his feelings towards you...

 

If he dumped you then it is his task to ask you out, if he wants to try again. And if he doesn't reach out to you after that friendly meeting then I guess he is not interested to you.

 

Please be careful and don't put so much hope after that meeting.

[lavenderlove]

I know how you feel, as I have just been through something similar.

 

After the first meeting very much like yours he asked me out again and again and again and we started hanging out again.

 

I changed a lot over the last few months since the breakup and felt that I have forgiven him and fixed those issues that on my behalf contributed to our breakup. He didn't fix his issues, so that was that. I crashed again.

 

As I said in my previous post it doesn't mean that this same scenario will happen to you. But the point of this forum is that we share our experiences.

 

What bothers me about you post is, that you are asking for advice and opinions but only positive ones, as you are trying to stay positive as well.

It seems to me that you are trying to silence your own doubts as well as asking us to only send you positive comments so you can back up your hopes.

 

You should do what feels right for you. But please be honest with yourself and don't ignore the red flags.

[dsd85]

the thing is, i am fine, but getting to see him was one "step" closer in my eyes and just hope i didn't make things worse, because now that i think about it i was a bit closed off with him. there are so many more things i could've talked about (not about feelings but other things to show him my better self)

 

i have been trying to be positive, but not getting any hint he might want to see me again is putting me off.

 

i wanted to know what you guys thought about his comment when leaving, and him not asking to see me again.

 

it's only been two days since, but don't really expect him too right now. he is the type of person that over thinks and always goes with the safest option. he is very tactical and head strong, and has a lot of pride, all which don't work to my advantage.

 

i got the feeling that he has a lot going on right now, and is content focusing on himself, as i am. he mentioned that in september things slow down for him, and he will have more time on his hands.

 

don't think he wants to focus on mending our relationship right now, since it would take a lot of work and getting back with an ex isn't an easy choice.

 

i have absolutely no clue how or what he feels for me, he hardly gave me any hints...all i know is that the goodbye was awkward and he made a nice gesture in the end by coming out of his car

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

the thing is, i am fine, but getting to see him was one "step" closer in my eyes and just hope i didn't make things worse, because now that i think about it i was a bit closed off with him. there are so many more things i could've talked about (not about feelings but other things to show him my better self)

 

i have been trying to be positive, but not getting any hint he might want to see me again is putting me off.

 

i wanted to know what you guys thought about his comment when leaving, and him not asking to see me again.

 

it's only been two days since, but don't really expect him too right now. he is the type of person that over thinks and always goes with the safest option. he is very tactical and head strong, and has a lot of pride, all which don't work to my advantage.

 

i got the feeling that he has a lot going on right now, and is content focusing on himself, as i am. he mentioned that in september things slow down for him, and he will have more time on his hands.

 

don't think he wants to focus on mending our relationship right now, since it would take a lot of work and getting back with an ex isn't an easy choice.

 

i have absolutely no clue how or what he feels for me, he hardly gave me any hints...all i know is that the goodbye was awkward and he made a nice gesture in the end by coming out of his car

 

This is why its never a good idea to connect again. These questions will get worst and worse and you will over think it more and more and it will set you back for another fall when it doesnt happen (or if). The positive vibe you are trying to have is cool and what not, but you dont (and most who use this site) strike me as the type to be cool and not hurt if this doesn't work out the one way you want it to.

 

Its a slippery slope......

[dsd85]

i know, that's why i didn't want to come back on this site, because it's almost as if using this site itself makes me more unsure and messes with my thoughts.

 

what i mean, or meant is that i have come a long way, but seeing him reminded me how much i really do want to be in his arms again, if it doesn't happen, i will be okay

 

also, he is not the type to lead me on, he will always keep a safe distance until he knows he wants to be with me again, that's just the way he is. which is good for me, because i can't get my hopes up until then, and if it does happen, i know he will follow through.

 

i just wanted some thoughts and a guys perspective...and from what i explained about him, if i should continue doing what im doing and slowly win my way back in for him to trust me.

 

i wasn't a good gf to him, not how i should have been. i didn't cheat on him, but i pushed him away a lot, and was not on the same page as him thorugh out the whole two yrs...since we started talking i have just been slowly trying to make my way back in and i got to this point. now, do i stop now, or keep doing what i've been doing and try to see him again i a couple of weeks?

 

it felt so good to be able to see him again

[daftpunk]

Time for some NC, I'm afraid. Several months to a year of it, or more. As long as it takes. You have to be in the right state of mind for it to happen. And I'm sorry to say that, based on your last few posts, it sounds like you're not there yet

[dsd85]

thanks daftpunk, and everyone else

 

but why go NC, if in reality, it's been 9 months since the break up, i already did NC and now i'm finally making some progress with him. it's going to be emotional regardless i'm in the right place or not because i love this person.

 

i just cried over this for the first time in months...

[daftpunk]

thanks daftpunk, and everyone else

 

but why go NC, if in reality, it's been 9 months since the break up, i already did NC and now i'm finally making some progress with him. it's going to be emotional regardless i'm in the right place or not because i love this person.

 

i just cried over this for the first time in months...

 

Because if you don't, you're going to ruin said progress. It sounds like you're starting to lose your grip on your emotions. And that's in the bad-thing category.

 

At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right. It is like I said though, if you're going to talk to him, you have to be in the right state of mind to seem attractive (from a relationship standpoint) to him again. You can't fake it or he'll know. The best way to get back to that comfortable medium is NC.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, you are not ready at all for this. I would pump the brakes. You are about to be thrown into an emotional sharknado.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

i know, that's why i didn't want to come back on this site, because it's almost as if using this site itself makes me more unsure and messes with my thoughts.

 

what i mean, or meant is that i have come a long way, but seeing him reminded me how much i really do want to be in his arms again, if it doesn't happen, i will be okay

 

also, he is not the type to lead me on, he will always keep a safe distance until he knows he wants to be with me again, that's just the way he is. which is good for me, because i can't get my hopes up until then, and if it does happen, i know he will follow through.

 

i just wanted some thoughts and a guys perspective...and from what i explained about him, if i should continue doing what im doing and slowly win my way back in for him to trust me.

 

i wasn't a good gf to him, not how i should have been. i didn't cheat on him, but i pushed him away a lot, and was not on the same page as him thorugh out the whole two yrs...since we started talking i have just been slowly trying to make my way back in and i got to this point. now, do i stop now, or keep doing what i've been doing and try to see him again i a couple of weeks?

 

it felt so good to be able to see him again

 

No no no no no.....don't blame this site because it makes you more unsure. YOU KNOW THE ANSWER DEEP DOWN. The problem is many in your position dont want to believe it. When you read the answer, you get mildly angry inside your stomach because you dont WANT it to be right. You WANT someone to say "Oh, I think meeting him was a GREAT sign and his interactions to you MEANS he wants you back again." Of course thats what you want, but when you get here, where people don't have clouded judgement and some irrational thoughts, you feel as though many of us may be wrong.

 

You know the answer. Straight up here it is...ready? This is important: IF he wants to be with you, he will be. Nothing you are doing or not doing will make a difference. You can only HURT the situation by being there all the time and talking.

 

My honest opinion: I hope it works for you, but you are setting yourself up for a big fall. You are wanting to hear "I made a mistake, I want to be with you." If those words dont come out, you will be more crushed than the first actual BU. We all see it and sadly, you do not. There are oodles of people that have been in your situation and they all wanted it to work and did what you are doing.

 

NO CONTACT! Honestly, do it.

[AllTooWell]

This is my opinion/take

 

 

You didn't do anything wrong by wanting to see him. It is important to, acknowledge the fact you have feelings for him still. Because of that, the decisions and the things you are thinking/feeling right now are RIDDLED with emotion and are not "coherent" thoughts/analysis of your situation

 

I understand how it feels, you're wondering what you could've done differently. Maybe if you told him you still loved him and opened up, he would've reciprocated, etc.

 

But the thing is that you did a GOOD job of a first meeting - it should be a light reconnection where nothing gets too heavy. That's what you did.

 

When you tell yourself "oh but he's so prideful, etc" and won't contact you, you are telling yourself that out of FEAR because you want to contact him.

 

 

You need to take a deep breath and look at yourself. You have been broken up close to a year. You are fine without him. You have a lovely life, you are a good person.

 

You do not need anyone besides yourself. I want you to sit (this may sound silly) and clear all thoughts from your mind. Think about what you are thankful for. Thank the universe for allowing this man back into your life. Wish him nothing but the best. Feel positive and project positivity, and in return positivity is what you will receive.

 

I would not contact him. If he wanted to speak to you, he WILL contact you. I know it sucks and you may be feeling the pain of the breakup once more, but just have some faith in yourself! You have come so far. You are not acting in vain.

 

Carry on with your life. See how it plays out. You have opened the door for him to walk back into your life and it is his turn to step up. In September when things slow down, there is a possibility he will. Just keep on keeping on, take care of yourself, and live a happy and healthy life.

 

If I were you, I would decide that if by Christmas he hasn't reached out whatsoever I would reach out to him (if at this time you still want to try and recon). I would ask him to meet for coffee, again, and at this point I would ask him about his life/family/etc (like you did last time). Once you are done that I would lay it out on the line by first asking if he is seeing anyone. If he says no, I would say "I know this may seem strange since we have been apart for so long, but I really think that we had something truly great." and see how he responds.

[dsd85]

thank you for that, everyone.

alltoowell: thank you for your empathy and advice also.

i understand, what you say makes sense. i've been through a spiritual journey these last 9 months, and it may not seem like that now because i someone lost my balance after seeing him, but that's what i was working on during this time. i put my thoughts out into the universe and asked to get him back in my life, and knew that before that could happen, he would have to be single. when him and the rebound broke up it was as if the universe had listened to me. that was in april. during that time i was away, far away living somewhere else. since i came back home in the beginning of june we have been talking.

 

it was always me reaching out to him first, and sometimes he would take long to respond, so that's what made the "conversations" drag out longer, to up until sunday when we finally met up.

 

that's why i wasn't sure on what to do next, because for almost two months we were talking, leading up to a meet up and now that it happened, well it's like, do i keep the "momentum" (not that there is a momentum)

 

i honestly feel i screwed up. i didn't show him my better self because i was over thinking. and i interupted, or jumped in while he was talking out of nervousness and he hated it when i did that, and i did that again.

 

i just don't want him to think i didn't enjoy his company if i stop contacting him.

 

he's going to dominican republic end of august, i was thinking to just send him a quick text when he comes back asking him about his trip?

 

i don't know why i have this feeling that he isn't ready to start with me for now, but will want to once things slow down for him

 

but my brain knows, that if a man wants you, even a little, he will show it, and he doesn't show me anything except for friendliness

 

i will work on getting back to my centre and trusting the universe

[dsd85]

forgot to mention; i keep reading into these little things and don't know if they are of real value or mean anything. like, when i left and gave him the small gift, he was very surprised, but gunuinely happy about it. he seemed very happy i had thought of him, he couldn't stop smiling....

 

gosh, my head and these thoughts

[AllTooWell]

thank you for that, everyone.

alltoowell: thank you for your empathy and advice also.

i understand, what you say makes sense. i've been through a spiritual journey these last 9 months, and it may not seem like that now because i someone lost my balance after seeing him, but that's what i was working on during this time. i put my thoughts out into the universe and asked to get him back in my life, and knew that before that could happen, he would have to be single. when him and the rebound broke up it was as if the universe had listened to me. that was in april. during that time i was away, far away living somewhere else. since i came back home in the beginning of june we have been talking.

 

it was always me reaching out to him first, and sometimes he would take long to respond, so that's what made the "conversations" drag out longer, to up until sunday when we finally met up.

 

that's why i wasn't sure on what to do next, because for almost two months we were talking, leading up to a meet up and now that it happened, well it's like, do i keep the "momentum" (not that there is a momentum)

 

i honestly feel i screwed up. i didn't show him my better self because i was over thinking. and i interupted, or jumped in while he was talking out of nervousness and he hated it when i did that, and i did that again.

 

i just don't want him to think i didn't enjoy his company if i stop contacting him.

 

he's going to dominican republic end of august, i was thinking to just send him a quick text when he comes back asking him about his trip?

 

i don't know why i have this feeling that he isn't ready to start with me for now, but will want to once things slow down for him

 

but my brain knows, that if a man wants you, even a little, he will show it, and he doesn't show me anything except for friendliness

 

i will work on getting back to my centre and trusting the universe

 

Just try to relax! You seem really emotionally "up tight" and I understand why you are nervous and analyzing everything, but you really need to try and let go.

 

It doesn't matter what you could've or should've done - because IT HAS BEEN done and there is no changing it.

 

I would text him before his trip and say "have a great trip!" send it maybe a day or two after you know he is there. Most people do not use their cellphones on vacation and thus this will give you time to calm down after contacting him, AND YOU WILL NOT GET A RESPONSE so you can really gauge how you are feeling. When he lands back in your home and turns his phone on, he will receive your message and that will open him to communicate with you again.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

forgot to mention; i keep reading into these little things and don't know if they are of real value or mean anything. like, when i left and gave him the small gift, he was very surprised, but gunuinely happy about it. he seemed very happy i had thought of him, he couldn't stop smiling....

 

gosh, my head and these thoughts

 

I agree with what alltoowell says except for one part:

 

QUIT CONTACTING HIM!

 

TRUST me, he knows you care. He knows you are still there. He knows you still care about him. You texting him, possibly calling him, social networks, etc etc is not helping anything. A small gift too?? You said you text him and it takes him some time to write back? Compare that to when you were together? Not even together, but in the "talking stages... and to now.I bet its probably not the same....

 

In addition, quit taking the "I don't want to do anything to mess this up" stuff. You don't want to go to not contacting him because you don't want it to seem like you didn't enjoy is company?? He broke up with you ( I think I read that right) there is NOTHING you have to do. Honestly, and this isn't bad, but it is coming off as desperate, and guys can sense that too especially him.

 

Look, you need to go back to what you were doing. You were having strong moments and whatever and that's awesome cause that's what needs to happen. You are setting yourself up for a fall that won't be good I promise you. Please believe that. IF he wants to reconnect and one day say the words you want, doing what you are doing won't get you there. Moving forward will and not contacting him will though. I've seen this same story way too much.

[dsd85]

thanks- both

really appreciate everyones feedback

 

i think i'm going to go with my heart, and my intuition...but leave some space between us for now

 

i should be glad i came this far, and managed to stay calm during our meet up and wasn't emotional. that means i'm doing well, i shouldn't let my emotions get the best of me, like you said, i've been fine for 9 months

 

i read too much into him agreeing to meet up with me and us keeping conversation for the past almost two months. it is a good start, but does not mean he sees himself with me

 

however, i should be glad to have come this far. i read a lot of threads on here that say their ex's ignore them and want nothing to do with them...i should be happy him and i saw each other on sunday, for two hours, and was comfortable and friendly, i think that's great, regardless if wether or not i didn't show him my 100 percent or not or acted anxious...it didn't go terrible, which i should be thankful for, that the man i love is still in my ife somehow, and we have this history together of almost 20 years (since childhood), that should count for something. right?

[forgetmenot75]

Let him go. He hasn't followed up after the meeting, he's said "good luck on your vacation" like if he had no plan to see you again. Don't think too much about how he smile, or look at you... That means nothing. What it does mean are the acts. And he s done nothing so far to re gain you again.

Continue with your life. I know how difficult this is, but otherwise you'll get stuck in limbo. It's very sad you love him still, because he's not reciprocating, but you just need to stop thinking non sense (if he looked at you, if he got out of the car to clean yours...) and let him go. I'm really sorry

[dsd85]

i understand 100 percent, that this seems like the "correct" thing to do, espcially after 9 months

 

but does the fact he a) agreed to see me when he knows i still have feelings for him and b) that we enjoyed each others company when we met up, not say anything?

 

it went from him breaking up with me because i had pushed him away with all the fighting, him not talking to me and ignoring me, him having a rebound relationship and still ignoring me, to this, which is him and i speaking (even though i initiate the convos) and him agreeing to meet up

 

i like to say, it's not always black and white, people change, and feelings change, and it could go both ways. i feel like if i stop now i lose him forever

Edited August 1, 2013 by dsd85

[LifeIsGreat]

You are right, this could go either way; however, the evidence makes it look more like it WON'T go your way.

 

You can only do what you have been doing if you are in the right emotional place and are actually over him. Right now you are acting out of "need" and not real love. It's unhealthy, and I don't really believe you are in the right place emotionally to try a reconcilliation.

 

If you let him go completely, grieve, move on with your life, and get over him ONLY then can you start contact again and try dating him again and see where it goes.

[Simon Phoenix]

i understand 100 percent, that this seems like the "correct" thing to do, espcially after 9 months

 

but does the fact he a) agreed to see me when he knows i still have feelings for him and b) that we enjoyed each others company when we met up, not say anything?

 

it went from him breaking up with me because i had pushed him away with all the fighting, him not talking to me and ignoring me, him having a rebound relationship and still ignoring me, to this, which is him and i speaking (even though i initiate the convos) and him agreeing to meet up

 

i like to say, it's not always black and white, people change, and feelings change, and it could go both ways. i feel like if i stop now i lose him forever

 

No, it doesn't say anything besides that he wants to hang out. Reading anything more into it is dangerous. After nine months he could be hoping that you've decompressed enough to where you can be friends again.

[happydate]

i understand 100 percent, that this seems like the "correct" thing to do, espcially after 9 months

 

but does the fact he a) agreed to see me when he knows i still have feelings for him and b) that we enjoyed each others company when we met up, not say anything?

 

it went from him breaking up with me because i had pushed him away with all the fighting, him not talking to me and ignoring me, him having a rebound relationship and still ignoring me, to this, which is him and i speaking (even though i initiate the convos) and him agreeing to meet up

 

i like to say, it's not always black and white, people change, and feelings change, and it could go both ways. i feel like if i stop now i lose him forever

 

Love relationships are really about us learning about ourselves and when we fail, we should find time to reflect ourselves what we could offer to keep the relationship. Most of us want love relationships to end like what you see in the movies. That my friend does not happen most of the times.

 

Before going into a new relationship or even into second chances, think about what can you offer to someone other than sex. What are you dreams, aspirations, ambitions and desires and are those qualities what that someone else is looking for?

 

Relationships do not last because most people only have their bodies and genitals to offer. Lust is impermanent and does not last very long. You need something permanent, something both of you like to do, dreams of doing etc that will grow. That is permanency and the sharing of the dreams and interests and aspirations make both of you whole by complementing. Then sex simply acts as the means to solidify both relationships and bonding between the two. Unfortunately, he's not seeing it in you. Perhaps all he saw from you was that he's getting the sex and he was willing to tolerate the argument and conflict only for so long. But eventually, a man will tire out from the emotional abuse from you. It's hard to even enjoy sex anymore let alone anything else. Sex then becomes a difficult chore. I had a girlfriend once that gave great sex, but extremely argumentative and controlling. She wants to be the boss all the time. I just simply lost all appetite to sleep with her. It was even getting harder for me to get an erection when I see her naked because of the emotional abuse that flashed back at me and was extremely difficult to keep it hard; unlike when we had our honeymoon period. This I think is happening with him. He has the emotional attachment to you, but he doesn't want to be with you.

 

It takes a long time to heal and if it does, he may not want to be with you again cause he might change completely and avoid dating the type of women like you.

 

Just do complete NC. He's not coming back. He's just playing you to torment your mind; exacting the same revenge you did to him. But then it's your own doing. You, on the other hand, needs to address some repressed emotional issues which is causing friction in your last relationship. Heal completely, or expect a repeat again of the same drama!

Edited August 1, 2013 by happydate

[forgetmenot75]

i understand 100 percent, that this seems like the "correct" thing to do, espcially after 9 months

 

but does the fact he a) agreed to see me when he knows i still have feelings for him and b) that we enjoyed each others company when we met up, not say anything?

 

it went from him breaking up with me because i had pushed him away with all the fighting, him not talking to me and ignoring me, him having a rebound relationship and still ignoring me, to this, which is him and i speaking (even though i initiate the convos) and him agreeing to meet up

 

i like to say, it's not always black and white, people change, and feelings change, and it could go both ways. i feel like if i stop now i lose him forever

 

Doesn't really matter why he had lunch with you. My "ex" had dinner with me but he had no feelings whatsoever.

 

and doesn't matter what had happened, if you pushed him away, or if you were a bad gf. Truth is he HE HAS MOVED ON AND YOU SHOULD SO THE SAME.

 

Yes, people change but I'm not seeing he's interesting in having a romantic relationship with you right now.

Stop chasing him, you just cannot make him love you if he doesn't feel it.

Love flows, you just can't insist.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

i understand 100 percent, that this seems like the "correct" thing to do, espcially after 9 months

 

but does the fact he a) agreed to see me when he knows i still have feelings for him and b) that we enjoyed each others company when we met up, not say anything?

 

it went from him breaking up with me because i had pushed him away with all the fighting, him not talking to me and ignoring me, him having a rebound relationship and still ignoring me, to this, which is him and i speaking (even though i initiate the convos) and him agreeing to meet up

 

i like to say, it's not always black and white, people change, and feelings change, and it could go both ways. i feel like if i stop now i lose him forever

 

Sadly, it's clear that you are not willing to heed the advice of many of us on here. You "agree" then state why we are wrong. Many people (especially the ones who have been here long like Simon and forgetmenot) speak the truth because they lived it and have seen 1,000 people on here with the exact same story.

 

You are so much denial because you want to be right that you are refusing to see such warning signs in front of you. You are stretching a meetup (that you scheduled) into this huge hope that he wants you back. Do you know how you will know he wants you back? He will tell you point blank. Anything else than that is your own mind playing it up which leads nowhere and only hurts you later. Is this the ex you had for five years that cheated on you twice or the other guy who you cheated on? OR is this a third guy?

 

You want a real opinion? He is probably feeling a tad lonely if his quick "rebound" relationship didnt work, so him writing back and agreeing to meet up with you is his crutch. Its nice to feel cared for, and he obviously knows you still want him (text, meetup, a small gift) but by NO means does it mean he wants you back. Quite the opposite actually. All you are doing is being his crutch of loneliness until he finds himself with someone else. Thats really harsh, but its true.

 

You say things aren't so black and white, and for some parts of life, thats true....but thats like saying not everyday there is a solar eclipse. Its VERY VERY rare to see a solar eclipse just as its very rare that an ex realizes the "error of their ways" and wants you back. I'll tell you something with 100% certainty though: You wont "get him back" if you dont stop talking to him" I dont know how else to get it through to you. Will large bold letters help lol. STOP TALKING TO HIM!!!!!!

 

Side note: Where is Tara on this?!?! I want to hear THAT opinion

Edited August 2, 2013 by ConfusedHumanBeing