dsd85 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Hi everyone, first off I want to say it was hard for me to come on here because I have been trying to stay very positive about a possible reconciliation with my ex and know that I'm risking hearing people's points of views which I might not want to hear, however,I feel I really need some kind of support as I prepare myself to see him. We have been broken up for almost 9 months and have been dreaming of this day that is soon to come. I'm not nervous, but just don't want to mess anything up and I'm also afraid that after seeing him he will not hint at any type of reconciliation. He had a rebound relationship of 4 moths in which he did not talk to me at all for that period of time. Since the relationship ended I have been working on slowly gaining his trust and friendship and it has been a slow but steady climb. Since April we have been exchanging texts, and since end of June the messages have been getting more frequent, however it is still always me who initiates the conversations. He knows how I feel about him as I have hinted that I still have feelings for him, and him agreeing to meet with me has given me some sort of hope because I can't help but think that if he did not want anything to do with me in that way indefinitely he would not agree to a meet up. Anyone here have any advice for me as I prepare myself to meet him, I'm really looking forward to it but also want some support. Thanks so much guys!
LME Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Be careful is my advice. A meet-up does not equal he wants to get back together with you, that is something you have got to realize 2
jesse93 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 ah, i wish you would've just keep moving on not to be harsh or anything but you might in fact be a rebound of his rebound, he knows you still like him and he isn't with the other girl anymore so now he's going to come back to you with open arms but is it going to be something real? or are you just someone hes going to use as a rebound be careful make sure hes intentions are for your love and nothing else, he might just be messing with you emotionally which in turn is just going to make it harder for you.
Author dsd85 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 thanks jesse, i can see how it might look like i can be a rebound of the rebound. but him and i were together for 2 years, and he was with her for 4 months, what made her a rebound was that they got together the week we broke up...they have already been broken up for more than 3 months now. but i do see what you mean
Author dsd85 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 i guess i wanted some input on weather or not i should have expectations of any sort. see, when he replies to my msgs he hardly does it right away, he waits sometimes and hour or sometimes a couple of days, but always makes a point to have a long reply and engage in the conversation and keep the convo going.also, when i asked him if he was free in the next couple of weeks he had first told me he was pretty busy, then when i couldn't help but get emotional and told him i understood but it was getting hard to not want to see him sometimes, he replied right away saying he wasn't doing anything one day this week and we could work something out for that day. i don't understand why he takes so long to respond, i do think it could be because he is trying to make it a point that we are not getting back together, but if so, why would he agree to meet when he knows where i stand. thoughts?
aloneinaz Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 If this wasn't a thread that you started, you'd have to come to the conclusion that this guys is not that in to you. I don't know who ended it but it sounds like he did. I don't think seeing him is going to help you move on which I think most folks would tell you to do. As a guy, if I'm into a girl, even an ex I might consider dating again, I'm going to let her know this by my actions. I'd reply to a text in a timely manner. I would text you as well. You're not getting either of those things. You're going to do what you're going to do. My opinion is your energy would be better spent finding a new relationship vs. clinging to a failed one. 2
Jenny1234 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I'm in a similar situation as you but I'm only at 3 months and haven't seen him but I have thought a lot about what that day would be like. i think you should just go into the meeting trying to act normal and fun. Make him remember why you are so great. I wouldn't even mention the old relationship. It's totally dead. Look at this like a new beginning. If he brings it up and wants to talk serious then respond. If things go smoothly as you hope then things could start progressing slowly again. I think you need to play it by ear and see how he's acting when you arrive and react to him. Remember you have nothing really to lose... The relationship was over long ago and even if you don't feel like it you have progressed. What's the worst that could happen? Rejection... You've already been through that and you're still here 9 months later. Good luck! We are all just human!
Author dsd85 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 thanks for both replies. i can't say i know he's not into me, i don't think he knows what he wants to be honest, and maybe he does and he doesn't want me but is just curious and that's why he is meeting with me. my ex is not the type to make time for someone he wants nothing to do with, he just isn't. maybe he has changed since 9 months ago and he is just being polite by granting me a meet up. i really don't know, but why would be reply with such lengthy messages if he wanted to clue me in on no way we are getting back together...and the reason why i started this thread is because im confused and im not in a position to be able to ask him anything about his feelings at the moment or i can push him away
thompkevin Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Just make sure you don't bring up reconciliation or even the fact that you still have feelings for him. Be fun, be yourself and just have a good time. Take things slowly and don't expect anything right now. 1
daftpunk Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 It must have either gone swimmingly or catastrophically.
lavenderlove Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 You've already been through that and you're still here 9 months later. What does this say? Do you want to be here in five months time again? Look I am just saying this because I just came back from a meeting such as the one you have just walked into. Realistically, you are ignoring all the red flag signs, because you want to believe that there is still hope, because you still love him. You want to give it a chance. And if he as much as just lifts his finger you will jump into the conclusion that the breakup was a mistake and will gladly be his lady again. There are two options: A: he is into you, B: he isn't. I had both. A; (two years ago) he cried and wanted me back and promised to marry me. But nothing changed, we got together and things got gradually even worse than ever before. B: (last week, as we broke up from the consequences of option A in Feb) So I was in love again after building a friendship with him, and when I flipped into wonderland he just threw the equivalent of a bucket of cold water onto me with his actions during that meeting. There might be an option C for you. You might meet him now, he will have changed as a man and he also falls madly in love with you after he sees how amazing you really are. This is not what usually happens. So I guess this is why this community is so great, because here you are reminded of that. Please let us know how it went! We are here to support each other!
aloneinaz Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Reconciliations rarely work. My ex wife and I broke up several times while dating. We then got married and it was a disaster to say the least for 10 years. My recent ex GF of 1.4 years and I broke up 6 times? Most break ups were just a week or two but the same issues were always there which is why she'll always be an ex now. Hollywood makes reconciliations seem common and successful. Sadly, this isn't the case.
Author dsd85 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 thanks again. i'm meeting him in a couple of days, we haven't met yet. i understand all sides and this is why i was hesitant to come here because i believe in being positive, i also don't believe reconciliations "never work" or "rarely work", not because of my situation and because i want him back, but because i honestly believe everyone is different and you can't say it's the same for everyone. in my case, i honestly had some issues i had to deal with before i could give someone my all and i feel those issues have been addressed. also, i'm fine being single and happier than before, it's not a matter of me being desperate or pinning over him, it's a matter of me still thinking about him and truly caring about this person, seeing a change in me and seeing what happens. it's not to say i think it's easy or i will go back right away, it would definitely be a slow process and one we would both have to think about, if things go well after we meet. i just wanted some support and POSITIVITY because i honestly do love this person and i'm hoping for the best.
daftpunk Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 i just wanted some support and POSITIVITY because i honestly do love this person and i'm hoping for the best. You'll find the latter in short supply here, I'm afraid. This is a sub-forum dedicated to some of the most negative subject matter a human being can experience, full of people currently enduring it. For what it's worth, I'm rooting for you. 1
Author dsd85 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Posted July 26, 2013 i understand, and i've been there,i know it hurts and what people on this forum are feeling, i still feel that, but just feel stronger and i'm a better person for having gone through that. i know maybe this might give hope to others. i've been thinking of this day for almost 9 moths, and it's happening, whatever the outcome, i'll be fine. just wanted to go into it feeling positive, maybe was hoping to get some positive feedback, after all, he is meeting with me, and he does know how i feel about him, regardless of how distant he makes himself during our conversations sometimes
inaya42 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I want to wish you the very best outcome of your meeting with your ex. I also want to caution you about the severe emotional (and power) imbalance that can result when one makes an ex's love and return a personal goal. it is very very difficult to establish true reciprocity, shared emotional investment in the relationship, after this. your ex is just a man, and one of many who might deserve your attentions. good luck, and please take care.
Author dsd85 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 (edited) update: i saw him yesterday, we went out to lunch. it felt very comfortable and we talked for two hours catching up on each other's lives. i did feel i was over thinking a lot as we talked, which i wish i didn't because i feel did not let myself enjoy the moment as i should have and maybe only showed him 80 % of my better self rather than 100%. regardless, it went well. it was almost as if we never broke up, except the butterflies were not there as i imagined they would be, maybe because i have my guard up and don't want to be dissappointed, i did feel love and attraction for him though. the only thing is that now i don't know what comes next, our goodbye was a bit awkward and i couldn't tell if he wanted to end the meet up or not. i asked him if he wanted to get going (at the restaurant) and he said yes, as we were walking to our cars he kept making conversation. we stayed about a minute by our cars talking and i slowly started getting closer to my car (i felt awkward) we hugged, then he said "that was fun, keep me updated on the job, GOOD LUCK ON YOUR NEXT VACATION, and TAKE CARE") i put these in caps because that's what made me feel as if he was not planning on seeing me again, i don't even have a date set for my next vacation, so not sure if he just didn't know what else to say or if he was making a conscience effort to let it be known we won't be seeing each other again for a while) it felt formal and generic (our goodbye) I got in my car and felt horrible about how it ended, like i didn't want it to be over, like i wanted to tell him how i felt (but didn't) I looked over at him in his car beside me and he was rumbling through some stuff in his car, then as I slowly started backing up smiled at him, and he smiled back, then he pointed to a flyer stuck to my windshield, I looked at it and gave him a grin, he giggled, got out of his car and took it off my windshield....then i called him over and gave him a small thoughtful gift i picked up for him while on my vacation last month (i wasn't going to give it to him, but i thought i should since i might not see him for a while) he was really happy about it, then i left.... i'm not sure on where he stands at all, i purposely did not bring up put old relationship or my feelings because i don't want to push him away and also because i want to take things slow....any thoughts, please keep it positive but honest. Edited July 29, 2013 by dsd85
daftpunk Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Honestly? It sounds like you made some fine baby steps. You were right to not talk about the past. You managed to keep control of yourself and the situation. Well done. Can't say what will happen next, but it sounds like you both legitimately enjoyed the other's company and had a good time as friends. That's what's important for now.
Jenny1234 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Honestly? It sounds like you made some fine baby steps. You were right to not talk about the past. You managed to keep control of yourself and the situation. Well done. Can't say what will happen next, but it sounds like you both legitimately enjoyed the other's company and had a good time as friends. That's what's important for now. I agree. Sounds like it went pretty good. Don't read into every word that was said it will drive you insane. Just keep playing cool and let time progress
happydate Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 update: i saw him yesterday, we went out to lunch. it felt very comfortable and we talked for two hours catching up on each other's lives. i did feel i was over thinking a lot as we talked, which i wish i didn't because i feel did not let myself enjoy the moment as i should have and maybe only showed him 80 % of my better self rather than 100%. regardless, it went well. it was almost as if we never broke up, except the butterflies were not there as i imagined they would be, maybe because i have my guard up and don't want to be dissappointed, i did feel love and attraction for him though. the only thing is that now i don't know what comes next, our goodbye was a bit awkward and i couldn't tell if he wanted to end the meet up or not. i asked him if he wanted to get going (at the restaurant) and he said yes, as we were walking to our cars he kept making conversation. we stayed about a minute by our cars talking and i slowly started getting closer to my car (i felt awkward) we hugged, then he said "that was fun, keep me updated on the job, GOOD LUCK ON YOUR NEXT VACATION, and TAKE CARE") i put these in caps because that's what made me feel as if he was not planning on seeing me again, i don't even have a date set for my next vacation, so not sure if he just didn't know what else to say or if he was making a conscience effort to let it be known we won't be seeing each other again for a while) it felt formal and generic (our goodbye) I got in my car and felt horrible about how it ended, like i didn't want it to be over, like i wanted to tell him how i felt (but didn't) I looked over at him in his car beside me and he was rumbling through some stuff in his car, then as I slowly started backing up smiled at him, and he smiled back, then he pointed to a flyer stuck to my windshield, I looked at it and gave him a grin, he giggled, got out of his car and took it off my windshield....then i called him over and gave him a small thoughtful gift i picked up for him while on my vacation last month (i wasn't going to give it to him, but i thought i should since i might not see him for a while) he was really happy about it, then i left.... i'm not sure on where he stands at all, i purposely did not bring up put old relationship or my feelings because i don't want to push him away and also because i want to take things slow....any thoughts, please keep it positive but honest. Both of you came into the meeting guarded. We all do especially going into second chances because both hearts are broken. Open your heart and let your heart guide you. Don't use the brain and over analyze things because you are afraid you're going to loose him. Either way, everybody had said here that second chances are only made for Hollywood movies. While that is true for the majority of failed relationships, I had seen a few that came together and lived happy lives. But this comes with a warning. When both of you healed and get back together, the him you knew then may not be the same him you know now and this will be the same with him to you. Both of you have to work extra hard to keep the relationship going; much much harder than if you are to start fresh with a new guy. If you love him so much, give it a try. Good luck.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Reconciliations rarely work. My ex wife and I broke up several times while dating. We then got married and it was a disaster to say the least for 10 years. My recent ex GF of 1.4 years and I broke up 6 times? Most break ups were just a week or two but the same issues were always there which is why she'll always be an ex now. Hollywood makes reconciliations seem common and successful. Sadly, this isn't the case. Wow, AZ. In all of your threads, you never mentioned you had been married. But yeah, reconciliation doesn't seem to work very well...
Author dsd85 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 not sure if it's important to mention or matters (i personally don't think it does because i like to look towards the future and the past doesn't have a real effect on moving forward) BUT, him and I dated before our last two year relationship... time line (and this is kinda funny, and can't really call them relationships at all) once in grade 8 (for 2 or 3 months) and again almost 10 years ago when i was 18 and he was 19 (that lasted 3 weeks) we have been in each others circle of friends/friends since gr. 7, so we've known each other a very long time
Author dsd85 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Posted July 29, 2013 also, at this point, i don't know when i should ask to see him again, or how long i should wait to see if he will ask me. i honestly don't think he will ask me, at least not for a while. but i feel like seeing him again soon. should i wait, or ask him again next week or two?
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