Coolit Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 A good friend of ours is hanging out with me soon. This friend is also close to the BW. Part of my social anxiety is what people are saying about why my H and I stopped hanging with the other couple. This friend was almost always at the events where xMM and I misbehaved. So if anyone knew something was up he would. I don't want our friend to feel like he has to make a choice. This is about me knowing whether or not xMM's lies have went further than his W and I. I would rather people know the truth than his version. I prefer no one knowing anything but BW's animosity towards me is quite apparent and truthfully, totally misdirected. So should i asky friend if he knows why we aren't hanging out with the other couple anymore? My H says he wouldn't mind knowing because if it is a bunch of xMM's lies he is going to force a meeting with the W. But H thinks I should be the one to ask. I have hung out with our mutual friend a few times since the A and I felt that ill at ease wondering what he knew. That being lifted would be nice as well.
janedoe67 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Are you and your BH hanging out with this man together? Because you don't need to be hanging out alone with ANY man except your H. 1
road Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Are you and your BH hanging out with this man together? Because you don't need to be hanging out alone with ANY man except your H. She has learned nothing from her affair. Married people do not need opposite sex friends.
BetrayedH Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Sounds to me like you and your H are both on the same page about wanting to know what rumors are out there and you're willing to share honesty about your affair with this friend in order to find out. I see nothing wrong with having that conversation. If he's a true friend of the marriage, I'd be inclined to be honest with him anyway. That said, I have similar concerns as the other two posters. Talking one-on-one with a friend of the opposite sex is a boundary you shouldn't cross. If you and your H are both friends wth this man, make it a joint conversation. It will also help to dispel rumors if you are both sharing the same story. Your version alone wouldn't likely be very credible.
Spark1111 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Of course you should ask....TOGETHER. Now as you work through reconciliation, it IS VERY IMPORTANT to discern who is a friend to the marriage and who is not....and that includes those who gossip and repeat malicious gossip amongst the old circle of friends. if you both consider this man a friend, than together, approach him as one. tell him how awkward it feels to guess and wonder what is being bandied about regarding the two of you; that you know all and that you suspect both you and especially your former WS are being cast as the villains, and how you wish it were not so but you've been hearing things.... Don't put him on the spot, but you have every right TOGETHER to tell your side... Then tell him how important it is to both of you to be treated with respect and the privacy you need to heal....and hurtful gossip is not appreciated and not something any true friend would do. 2
Author Coolit Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 You know how you sometimes forget important details? My friend is gay. I can see how some of you jumped to conclusions with that not clarified. Thank you all for your advice. I'll run it by my husband the suggestion of us doing it together but he may feel we are ambushing our friend. And as the friend is not a potential weakness for me, us approaching him together may not seem as important.
BetrayedH Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You know how you sometimes forget important details? My friend is gay. I can see how some of you jumped to conclusions with that not clarified. Thank you all for your advice. I'll run it by my husband the suggestion of us doing it together but he may feel we are ambushing our friend. And as the friend is not a potential weakness for me, us approaching him together may not seem as important. You made me actually LOL. Good luck, CoolIt.
road Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 You know how you sometimes forget important details? My friend is gay. I can see how some of you jumped to conclusions with that not clarified. Thank you all for your advice. I'll run it by my husband the suggestion of us doing it together but he may feel we are ambushing our friend. And as the friend is not a potential weakness for me, us approaching him together may not seem as important. You are jumping to conclusions yourself. You should not care about what people may think as to why you and BH are no longer seeing the OM and OMW. Friendships end for many reasons. It does not matter that the rumors are false. Because even if they are true how are you going to make yourself look good for cheating on your BH and banging the BW's husband? If you can put your affair in a good light you have just given up some of your anonymity. You must be a politician. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Let it go..You are going to make it worse if talk to that friend and it'll make him feel like he has to choose. Don't say a word. It actually isn't your business to know if he knows of the A or not. Assume he does and he's chosen to distance himself.. You can't control what others think or do. Also, WHO CARES what others think as to why you and your H stopped hanging out with that other couple. His wife has every right to feel the way she does. You and her husband had an A and were inappropriate with one another. She's angry and upset at you because you all were friends. Double betrayal. 1
Author Coolit Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 You are jumping to conclusions yourself. You should not care about what people may think as to why you and BH are no longer seeing the OM and OMW. Friendships end for many reasons. It does not matter that the rumors are false. Because even if they are true how are you going to make yourself look good for cheating on your BH and banging the BW's husband? If you can put your affair in a good light you have just given up some of your anonymity. You must be a politician. I'm not sure what conclusions I have jumped to. I don't know if anyone has said anything. I don't even think they do. That is where I'm on the fence. But if I could confirm nothing of that nature has been disclosed I'd be relieved. And yes, having an affair with her husband that he initiated and I merrily went along with is better than me persuing him, him turning me down repeatedly and then me possibly taking advantage of him when he was drunk only to tell his wife we had sex in order to destroy his marriage (and we can't be sure we even had sex because he was too drunk to remember...). To a BS both look equely bad and pathetic. To a WS the second is worse. Actually it is too my husband too. My husband has pity for the BW but no sympathy because she betrayed him by initiating two threesomes behind his back. So, she really isn't your average BS.
turnera Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 A but BW's animosity towards me is quite apparent and truthfully, totally misdirected. Seriously?
turnera Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 As for your question, as a WS, the best thing you can do is tell the truth. To everyone impacted. That includes people in your circle who are now affected by the circle changing. If you want to move forward with integrity, tell the truth, take your lumps, and move on. People who believe you are now exhibiting integrity and who like you will remain friends. And it will be easier on everyone all around if you just clear the air. 1
Author Coolit Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Seriously? She needs to believe that I the villian in order to stay married to a seriel cheater. Each case where he has cheated she has an excuse for him. She also knew a lot more of what was going on so in my mind the only true victom Is my H. He was innocent of any wrong doing. He saw nothing and knew nothing. All three of us betrayed him.
BetrayedH Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 As for your question, as a WS, the best thing you can do is tell the truth. To everyone impacted. That includes people in your circle who are now affected by the circle changing. If you want to move forward with integrity, tell the truth, take your lumps, and move on. People who believe you are now exhibiting integrity and who like you will remain friends. And it will be easier on everyone all around if you just clear the air. Great post and one worth quoting. Living a truly honest and authentic life and being proud of that practiced principle is a major step in recovery for you and your husband. Your real friends will appreciate it and those that don't, won't matter. Take your lumps and move on is right. 1
janedoe67 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Great post and one worth quoting. Living a truly honest and authentic life and being proud of that practiced principle is a major step in recovery for you and your husband. Your real friends will appreciate it and those that don't, won't matter. Take your lumps and move on is right. This is worth quoting too. Sometimes that is something I have a hard time remembering. The only people whose view of my "redeemability" really matters is my husband's my children's, God's, my own, and those who actually know me. Think in those terms and leave the rest alone - certainly do not become weighted down by what people you will likely never meet choose to believe about you, especially when much of the time that is based on what they have been through and not YOU.
BetrayedH Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I just find that being honest keeps me out of a hell of a lot of trouble. It's rare when bring on the side of truth and honesty is the unethical choice. Being truthful is just my default. I think it just takes a few months of consistently holding yourself to questioning EVERY lie before you start to really be proud of your decisions. This builds my self-image and self-esteem. Even when I make a mistake or a poor decision, I can be honest about it, take my lumps and move on. But I know some people for whom lying is the default. They live a double-life and can barely keep track of who knows what. When they are caught and it appears to be a major pattern, they have no defense. That seems a miserable existence to me. 1
BetrayedH Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Betrayed, our OW actually had a spreadsheet of her lies to keep them straight. Why on earth that was not a big red flag for my husband is a mystery but yes, for some lying is a way of life. To me, it means they have no one in their life that cares enough about them to call them on it...they are just someone others deal with or use and the fact they are liars just makes it that much easier. Wow. Never heard of an actual "lies" spreadsheet before. Wonder where she keeps track of the lies she's told herself. Perhaps my naivete and pollyanna-ish approach makes me more vulnerable than some people but I just can't fathom living that way. First and foremost, I have to be able to live with myself. 2
Recommended Posts