what does she (ex) REALLY mean?

[burned5012]

We went out for 7 months, and talked engagement, and were friends for years prior. OK, I dumped her two weeks ago because I felt her to be somewhat distant at the time and that she was frigidly resistant to working things out, as if she had someone else I was unaware of (which I suspected).

 

Two days prior to break up, she texted me, "I want you in my life forever", but in person seemed suddenly frigid.

 

I am uninterested in reconciliation of the relationship, but I do want to salvage a friendship/business connections we had for years prior to the failed relationship. I don't have fear of commitment or cold feet for marriage-she is too nuts to be my or anyone's wife, but is a great fun friend.

 

After I dumped her, she said nothing, just ran out of my house and sent texts, and then posts a facebook pic of her looking sad/dejected. She then e-mails me the very next day saying she "honors my request to move on", that we one day may be friends or that I will simply be a "fond" memory. Strangely, she kept referring to present tense regarding the break-up, writing "you ARE breaking up with me", when I already had done so days earlier. (was she really trying to negotiate or reconcile with this tactic?)She never overtly fights for the relationship or asks what went wrong, except she did blame me for making a "rash" decision. She writes that I didn't fail her, that she can't be friends now due to pain of coping with my dumping her, but that she will contact me when she's good and ready.

 

I respond in kind writing that I am interested in being friends, maybe more (meaning business relationship) and that I will be ready when she's ready for contact.

 

Later, she emails again 2 days later that I don't know how much pain and devastation I caused her by my dumping her, that she's not sure if she could be friends because she doesn't trust me, that she fears I will follow her around and stalk her...etc...I got a good laugh, tongue-in-cheek and also with raised eyebrow. WTF??? She then writes at the end of this e-mail that it is my decision if I don't want to talk to her again, but that she will contact me when her pain goes away and she gets therapy.

 

Strange, she never fights for the relationship, never really questions the breakup, walks away, then turns it around on me as if I were the dumpee. She claims I was the man she loved and trusted most in her life, that I "sh^T" on her love and trust, and that she forgives me.

 

Lastly, she reiterates again she will contact me when she's ready, even if I don't want to.

 

Look, I love her deeply, but she definitely is NOT marriage material, and NOT to anyone sane, IMHO. I won't go into details, not relevant. BUT, she was a great, fun friend and awesome business partner (I worked for her) and confidant. We tried to make it work, but to no avail. I want her in my life, but not as a wife!

 

We have had no contact of any kind for 15 days since last email exchange. All belongings exchange was done through her friend. BUT, our pastor/counselor did reach out to her and she agreed to meet sometime in future when pain subsides to determine what happened.

 

I want to re-establish friendship and our business association (which was mutually beneficial), just not the relationship.

 

Question 1-Why does she keep referring to my breaking up in the present tense (i.e., you are breaking up with me...) days after I told her I am breaking things off? Is she trying to set up reconciliation? If so, and I refuse, will this jeopardize friendship/business relationship?

 

Question 2- Is it possible she loved another and wanted/engineered a break-up by purposefully withholding affection to cause me to break-up so she wouldn't have to, thus allowing her to be seen as victim to her friends? If so, are friendship/business salvageable?

 

Question 3-is SHE trying to subtly tell me, "OK, you won, you broke up with me, but I will never reconcile with you!" not knowing I have the same sentiment? In other words, are we both trying to be too nice by not explicitly ruling out reconciliation, all the while knowing we both don't want it?

 

Question 4-Or, is she trying to reconcile, or at least hold out the possibility of such, at a future date by giving mixed signals? Like, trying to keep me as a security blanket in case her other prospects don't pan out?

 

My goal is to resume friendship, but not sure if possible. My dumping her was necessary because of perceived dissolution of romantic affection and her seeming inability to reconcile. Whether or not she is trying to reconcile, I need to resume friendship and business association because she is too valuable to my heart to not have as a friend.

 

Thanks for any advice/feedback.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you sound like the ONLY reason that you would be interested in a friendship is for the sole purposed of resuming business contacts. You can tell me I'm wrong, but if you re-read your post, you'll see you made reference to it about four or five times!

 

You ended it, just leave the girl alone. You make it sounds as you're not mourning the loss of a girlfriend. But, you're definitely mourning the loss of a business contact.

[burned5012]

Dude, you sound like the ONLY reason that you would be interested in a friendship is for the sole purposed of resuming business contacts. You can tell me I'm wrong, but if you re-read your post, you'll see you made reference to it about four or five times!

 

You ended it, just leave the girl alone. You make it sounds as you're not mourning the loss of a girlfriend. But, you're definitely mourning the loss of a business contact.

ChiTown,

 

No, I love her deeply and it is a true tragedy she isn't marriage material. I do grieve that we are incompatible as marriage partners. Truly, it hurts bad. But I do not want her out of my life, rather as a friend OR business partner, because that void (ie., total absence) would burden my heart greatly. Thing is, I don't want to jeopardize possible friendship by rejecting any reconciliation sentiments she may have, or if she has none, by stating I have none either or my saying something this pisses her off.

 

I need advice as to how to proceed with the goal of keeping friendship. We have NC now, but SHE is the one that has requested future contact when she heals and her fear of stalking is just a defense coping mechanism commonly used by dumpees. She wants contact, just not now and I want to be friends. How to proceed?

[Chi townD]

 

 

I need advice as to how to proceed with the goal of keeping friendship. We have NC now, but SHE is the one that has requested future contact when she heals

 

Well, then there you go. She's already dictated on what she needs. Therefore, you need to respect her boundaries. Give her time to heal and move on. And perhaps, maybe one day, she'll want to re-engage a friendship with you. But here's the deal. You were in the drivers seat when you ended the relationship. Now, she's in the drivers seat as far as where and IF this friendship happens.

 

So, my advice, leave her be. She needs to get over you and mourn the loss of the relationship.

[burned5012]

well, I certainly am letting her be, that is not the issue at all. As I said, there has been no contact. All I'm asking is how to successfully engage a friendship IF and when she calls. If she never does, that will hurt but I will be fine.

 

I see you assume she does not want reconciliation and you may very well be right, but it is not for certain at this point. I understand her friendship is no guarantee either, and I hope she doesn't seek reconciliation because she will be twice rejected and that guarantees no friendship.

[Chi townD]

well, I certainly am letting her be, that is not the issue at all. As I said, there has been no contact. All I'm asking is how to successfully engage a friendship IF and when she calls. If she never does, that will hurt but I will be fine.

 

I see you assume she does not want reconciliation and you may very well be right, but it is not for certain at this point. I understand her friendship is no guarantee either, and I hope she doesn't seek reconciliation because she will be twice rejected and that guarantees no friendship.

 

Not a mind reader so I couldn't tell you one way or the other. All I do know is that you hurt her. That's gonna sting and it may sting for awhile. Unless she already has someone in her life like you speculated. But, to be honest, nothing you wrote about her got my spidey senses tingling.

 

And you have to remember this. Most people do not enter into a loving and caring relationship with someone and then ultimately hope for them to become nothing more than a really good friend to be the final outcome.

[burned5012]

She could have male friends/orbiters to mitigate her self-confessed devastation, I don't know because I have no contact. That would be just a quick fix. I hear her friends and family say she is devastated. Or it may be BS, I don't know.

 

Though I wish she had communicated her frigidity causing me to breakup, I don't want her to suffer, but I can do nothing to ease her pain except stay away. If being friends would make her suffer, then I would abstain from doing so.

 

We were more than friends; we had a serious, committed and ostensibly monogamous relationship, but she apparently dropped off at the end. My wanting to be friends was subsequent to my dumping her and there is nothing wrong with my trying to resume friendship, while moving on into singledom.

Edited July 24, 2013 by burned5012

[Talulah]

We went out for 7 months, and talked engagement, and were friends for years prior. OK, I dumped her two weeks ago because I felt her to be somewhat distant at the time and that she was frigidly resistant to working things out, as if she had someone else I was unaware of (which I suspected).

 

Two days prior to break up, she texted me, "I want you in my life forever", but in person seemed suddenly frigid.

 

I am uninterested in reconciliation of the relationship, but I do want to salvage a friendship/business connections we had for years prior to the failed relationship. I don't have fear of commitment or cold feet for marriage-she is too nuts to be my or anyone's wife, but is a great fun friend.

 

After I dumped her, she said nothing, just ran out of my house and sent texts, and then posts a facebook pic of her looking sad/dejected. She then e-mails me the very next day saying she "honors my request to move on", that we one day may be friends or that I will simply be a "fond" memory. Strangely, she kept referring to present tense regarding the break-up, writing "you ARE breaking up with me", when I already had done so days earlier. (was she really trying to negotiate or reconcile with this tactic?)She never overtly fights for the relationship or asks what went wrong, except she did blame me for making a "rash" decision. She writes that I didn't fail her, that she can't be friends now due to pain of coping with my dumping her, but that she will contact me when she's good and ready.

 

I respond in kind writing that I am interested in being friends, maybe more (meaning business relationship) and that I will be ready when she's ready for contact.

 

Later, she emails again 2 days later that I don't know how much pain and devastation I caused her by my dumping her, that she's not sure if she could be friends because she doesn't trust me, that she fears I will follow her around and stalk her...etc...I got a good laugh, tongue-in-cheek and also with raised eyebrow. WTF??? She then writes at the end of this e-mail that it is my decision if I don't want to talk to her again, but that she will contact me when her pain goes away and she gets therapy.

 

Strange, she never fights for the relationship, never really questions the breakup, walks away, then turns it around on me as if I were the dumpee. She claims I was the man she loved and trusted most in her life, that I "sh^T" on her love and trust, and that she forgives me.

 

Lastly, she reiterates again she will contact me when she's ready, even if I don't want to.

 

Look, I love her deeply, but she definitely is NOT marriage material, and NOT to anyone sane, IMHO. I won't go into details, not relevant. BUT, she was a great, fun friend and awesome business partner (I worked for her) and confidant. We tried to make it work, but to no avail. I want her in my life, but not as a wife!

 

We have had no contact of any kind for 15 days since last email exchange. All belongings exchange was done through her friend. BUT, our pastor/counselor did reach out to her and she agreed to meet sometime in future when pain subsides to determine what happened.

 

I want to re-establish friendship and our business association (which was mutually beneficial), just not the relationship.

 

Question 1-Why does she keep referring to my breaking up in the present tense (i.e., you are breaking up with me...) days after I told her I am breaking things off? Is she trying to set up reconciliation? If so, and I refuse, will this jeopardize friendship/business relationship?

 

Question 2- Is it possible she loved another and wanted/engineered a break-up by purposefully withholding affection to cause me to break-up so she wouldn't have to, thus allowing her to be seen as victim to her friends? If so, are friendship/business salvageable?

 

Question 3-is SHE trying to subtly tell me, "OK, you won, you broke up with me, but I will never reconcile with you!" not knowing I have the same sentiment? In other words, are we both trying to be too nice by not explicitly ruling out reconciliation, all the while knowing we both don't want it?

 

Question 4-Or, is she trying to reconcile, or at least hold out the possibility of such, at a future date by giving mixed signals? Like, trying to keep me as a security blanket in case her other prospects don't pan out?

 

My goal is to resume friendship, but not sure if possible. My dumping her was necessary because of perceived dissolution of romantic affection and her seeming inability to reconcile. Whether or not she is trying to reconcile, I need to resume friendship and business association because she is too valuable to my heart to not have as a friend.

 

Thanks for any advice/feedback.

 

She did break up with you in a way because she was the one who did not want to work things out. And remember that you have no control over her actions after you break a relationship off. You are so nice, shes not marriage material, yet she is " friends" material. Shes good enough for that, ugh? You sound very selfish.

[burned5012]

True. Not marriage material. She is the one who wanted further contact to possibly be friends. Maybe she lied, maybe not. Many ex become friends, many don't. That is why I posted. So why ugh?

 

She did not in any way, shape or form break up with me. I did and not pre-emptively. She claims to her and my family and friends that she is "devastated" by my breakup, and needs therapy. I cut the tie because I didn't like the relationship anymore but why not be friends? Not hard to understand.

 

If she "broke up" with me as you suggest (she never said anything remotely about this), surely it's strange she would be bawling for days and telling everyone she is devastated. Rather, one would think she would be relieved and happy, no?

[forgetmenot75]

I feel you are complicating things here. Ok. You dumped her. What do you care if she speaks in present or past tense?

If you are desperate because you're afraid to loose your business related things, be clear with her about this.

But I agree with the other comments here, leave her alone. Stop looking at her facebooks pics, she told you she'll communicate with you when she's ready. Respect that.

 

And remember never mix love with business. Lesson learned here.

[burned5012]

She did break up with you in a way because she was the one who did not want to work things out. And remember that you have no control over her actions after you break a relationship off. You are so nice, shes not marriage material, yet she is " friends" material. Shes good enough for that, ugh? You sound very selfish.

 

 

Well, she DID sit in my driveway for like 1.5 hours in her car trying to call me, in a vain attempt to get me to "chase" her and retract my dumping her.

I know, I know, the sisterhood will spin this into something it's not.

 

So, please, she broke up with me? That's like the female version of the dude with the boom box outside the girl's house. ha