twilight35 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I have been dating someone who has a child for 4 months but have known him for years. He has the child every weekend. I am having a hard time with this because the kids mom is mean and has told him she doesn't want me around the child until weve been together for a year. So I spend my weekends alone and I am starting to get angry about it. I don't have any children but I want them. He has told me he wants more. We have already said "I love you" we have future plans but because of the mom we have to wait. That's my situation but I also want to know the pro's con's in dating a man with with a child or children. Can anyone share some experiences. 1
Balzac Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I spend my weekends alone and I am starting to get angry about it This "man" is allowing his exW or babymama to rule his life. That's his choice, your choice should be about finding an available man. 1
2sure Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 How long have they been divorced and how old is the child? It matters
StayBeautiful Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 What's his ex's opinion go to do with it? All she needs to know is that the child is with its father. He's not babysitting, he's an equal parent. Just as he has no right to dictate where the child is and who it's with when with the mother. Sounds like he needs to grow a pair. 2
Balzac Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Parenting is a primary function. In situations where co-parents haven't worked out guidelines/schedules to allow for new relationships other than during parenting time, it's rough for potential new partners.
Author twilight35 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 PLEASE DON'T JUDGE-- the divorce is fresh. The son is 6 We took our time and have known each other for years were friends. after they separted we got close then started dating. They split bc they didn't love each other anymore. I have seen where the x is coming from but it just gets hard sometimes.
MissBee Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 (edited) I wouldn't bring a man I'm dating around my child if I had one, until I am VERY serious about him, so I understand where the mom is coming from, in wanting you guys to at least be together for a year, so she knows he's not bringing some fly by night chick around her child. I don't think anything is wrong with that and don't think she is mean for that, unless she is rude to you. I don't have kids but have dated men with kids. One of my exes brought me around his child after one week, he had him on weekends too and then he'd invite me over and then even said it was fine to sleep over too with his child there. I was uncomfortable with this! I felt he was being irresponsible...and when he and I broke up, I realized he did that with every woman he dated, he just brought them ALL around his child and even had someone he dated for 2 months, move in! They then broke up. In all this, his ex-wife said NOTHING! I was appalled and couldn't believe she saw nothing wrong. She has no say in who he dates and how he dates, but she does have a say in her child's life and who he is around, but she didn't exercise it. Of course concessions have to be made when you're dating a man with a child. Major is: you cannot have them to yourself anytime you feel like, the child will come first and you will also have to be vetted by their child's other parent before you can play any role in the child's life. You have to work out if you're willing to deal with the specifics of your situation or not. With one of my exes....he had his child on Tuesdays and from Friday to Sunday. We worked it out though. I didn't have classes on Thursdays, so on Wednesdays would be our date night and I'd spend the night at his place after, and I'd spend the day at his house all day Thursday, doing my school work and other things, I'd cook for him, we'd spend the afternoon and night together again on Thursday and I'd leave the next morning from his place to school. We had two sleep over nights a week essentially, every week. On the weekends, if I REALLY wanted to go somewhere or he really did, sometimes he'd have his mom babysit his child for a few hours and we'd go out. At times I felt guilty about it, as I felt like I was taking time away. If his son lived with him 24/7 it would be different, but I did feel kind of bad like he was just dropping him off to hang out with me. But it didn't happen often, just once in a while. As we got more serious though I spent time around his child, so we did see each other on weekends in the day time and all hung out. His ex was also supportive (in your situation the divorce is fresh...you have to understand that changes things). My case, they were never married and hadn't been together for a long time by the time I came around, and she had her own relationship, so she sometimes would offer to change the days of the week he had him, so my ex would have a weekend night or so free to hang out with me. He was a teacher so he got long breaks from school, so that helped, as we were able to take vacations together when our breaks coincided, and also since his ex liked me, she didn't mind if for one week out of the summer her son spent it with her instead, while we went away on a vacation. There are ways to make it work...and if you're serious about him, you guys can find a way. You also have to respect the mom's wishes as this situation is FRESH...and that isn't just about dating a man with a kid...it's a whole other problem of dating a freshly divorced man, which brings its own challenges and is different from dating a man with a child but who was never with the mom or they haven't been together in a while. Be patient if you like him, and just find other ways to spend time together during the week. Most importantly, TALK TO HIM and try to brainstorm as a couple. Edited July 24, 2013 by MissBee 2
hestheone66 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I have been dating a man for a year and a half who has an 8 yo who he cares for every second week . i admire and respect his commitment to good parenting so his child is never compromised and has no reason not to feel secure. im a mother with sole responsibility of my teenage son so the issues are different due to his age. we basucally see a lot of each other one week and barely the next. its good because we cant get sick of each other. i dont think its his responsibility to fill my time on the weekends where we dont see each other. i catch up with friends or go out on my own.we talk or skype as well. my advice to you us hold back because u could be the rebound wonan. and if youdont have much in your life u could be iverly needy or.clingy and you'll suffocate him. he may sometimes want/need space on his own or with male friends.
mrs rubble Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I wouldn't put up with that. That means there is NO hope of you and him EVER having a quiet weekend together ALONE for at least the next 10 years....I'd be moving on.
firemanq Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I like what Dr. Jenn Berhman (sp?) says on her Sirius radio program. Until a couple has been in a relationship for a year, do not introduce the children to someone you are dating. The chances of a breakup are too great in that first year. The children do not need the heartbreak of getting to know someone, then that person disappears. I wish I had known that when I was dating. The women I dated had kids, I was often viewed as a daddy figure, by the kids and the woman. When we broke up, the kids were again those who suffered. And I hurt myself, more than once, because I came to love the kids much more than her. 1
pink_sugar Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I have thought about what it would be like for a childless woman like me to date a man with kids if I were single. I wouldn't think about seriously committing until I was close to 30, because I am not ready to seriously care for kids at the moment. Knowing whether or not he wants more kids helps, because I may or may not want kids later. I don't see what the issue is with the child meeting you...you're not going to be taking over the role of mother. I would talk about it with your boyfriend. If you do get serious later on, these sort of things could be an issue. I mean, what if you cannot stand to be around the child or something? It's important to know how you will get along early on.
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