Dating someone with a child! Need input

[twilight35]

I have been dating someone who has a child for 4 months but have known him for years. He has the child every weekend. I am having a hard time with this because the kids mom is mean and has told him she doesn't want me around the child until weve been together for a year. So I spend my weekends alone and I am starting to get angry about it. I don't have any children but I want them. He has told me he wants more. We have already said "I love you" we have future plans but because of the mom we have to wait. That's my situation but I also want to know the pro's con's in dating a man with with a child or children.

Can anyone share some experiences.

[Phantom888]

I always advocate parents dating parents. It's hard for someone with no kids to understand how hard it is to juggle kids, work, ex, etc. But since you are serious about this man, here is my advice from experience (I'm a single dad):

 

* Stay away from the ex. She will always hate you to a certain degree, and most likely going to be very protective of her child. Don't do anything that would trigger her to make your life harder. You may end up seeing your man even less because of her.

 

* Understand that the child is top priority, and you are #2 priority. If you are dating a man who puts you above his child, you are dating a scumbag of a man. I am assuming you are dating a decent dude, so just accept that the kid ALWAYS comes first.

 

* Be patient. I have my kids every weekend too. My woman can only see me during the week, but late night since she has her kid all week so we have to sneak around after her kid goes to bed. Sex can be challenging because you have to keep quiet.

 

* Are you ready to be a stepmom? Can you honestly say that you'll treat his kid like your own? Are you willing to accept that once you have a child of your own, you will not love yours more than his? This is a tough one.

 

I think you need to really think about this relationship. It's a lot more complicated when there's a kid involved. Best of luck.

[StayBeautiful]

I know you probably don't mean it to come across this way Phantom, but I'm always a bit leery of people who say "my child comes first! You will be second".

 

Nobody in their right mind would suggest that the child does not matter, but you know what, sometimes kids don't come first. Even if parents were still married, sometimes what the adults want takes precedence. As long as it doesn't unduly affect the child, sometimes their views may be taken into account - but within the context of every one else's needs too. And sometimes, on balance, the kid doesn't always come first.

 

Whenever I read a dating profile of a man who feels like he has to say his kids come first, I skip over it for 2 reasons - first, feeling the need to point it out shouldn't be necessary. Secondly, I just know it's going to be a relationship filled with "I know you wanted to go there on Saturday, but my kid wants to go somewhere else and HE COMES FIRST".

 

Also I don't think a stepmother needs to treat a child as her own, or love him as much as her own. That's unrealistic. The stepmother / stepchild relationship is unique and valuable by itself. You don't have to be a replacement parent.

[twilight35]

I have stayed out of it. I, in fact want nothing to do with her. He has tried to get her to back down and she flat out told him she doesn't want him to be happy.

 

He has continued to fight for it. She has backed off to a degree I can meet the child at most 6 months from now.

 

I welcomed having the child around no question it was when the x said things like "I don't want her anywhere near my child" and even better "I'm going to get an order of protection" was where it got bad.

 

I appreciate all he's done to try and coax the situation but it just stinks that I have to stay away.

 

Now I understand that you shouldn't introduce your kids to people you just date but we have established love and planing a future and I think a couple of months leeway would have been nice.

[StayBeautiful]

I hope he insists on the same rules when she meets someone.

[salparadise]

The needs of children are very different from the needs of a relationship partner. I think it's best to view them as being on parallel tracks and you do your best to keep them from crossing each other. When that does happen you have to make good judgements based on the circumstances. The kids are permanent, dating partners come and go. It's best to defer to the kids needs as much as possible and you just have to accept what is. Try insert yourself between a parent and his/her kids and you lose automatically.

 

I don't believe in introducing children to dating partners until it has a firm foundation and appears to be a serious, long-term relationship. It's just not right for them to see special people come and go, replaced by other people, their parent expressing love and affection to all comers, the kids starting to form attachments and then they disappear without so much as a word. They need to feel that things are stable and secure. The will experience instability as the norm and feel less secure in their own relationship with the parent.

 

Sex and the kid's schedule is inherently problematic for people who are dedicated to their kids. If there is shared custody it makes it easier but you still have to get schedules aligned, and there will be times you have to accept that your time get preempted. This is why I agree that it's hard for a single parent to date someone who doesn't have kids. There will be precious little time for sitting around cuddling on the couch and cooking breakfast together. During certain ages the risk of a child walking in on the couple having sex is high and can be disturbing. I have never had sex with any of my former girlfriends with either of our kids present in the house, and prefer it that way (and they all have had kids).

 

I can tell a lot about a person by observing the relationship they have with their kids. I like to talk about my kid and encourage dating partners to talk about theirs. It would be hard for someone without kids to genuinely relate to this important aspect of who I am. OP, I think you have to fully accept your partner's relationship with the kids and understand that if there is conflict, the kids are not the ones who will lose.

 

The benefits of dating a good parent is that you are getting someone who has learned how to be completely devoted to something, someone outside of himself. This is a major leap in emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. I'm not saying that it doesn't exist outside of parenthood, or that all parents have it, but all good parents do and will understand that aspect of you as well.

[jphcbpa]

OP, tell us about the divorce, why did it end, how did it end, ect.

[twilight35]

The needs of children are very different from the needs of a relationship partner. I think it's best to view them as being on parallel tracks and you do your best to keep them from crossing each other. When that does happen you have to make good judgements based on the circumstances. The kids are permanent, dating partners come and go. It's best to defer to the kids needs as much as possible and you just have to accept what is. Try insert yourself between a parent and his/her kids and you lose automatically.

 

I don't believe in introducing children to dating partners until it has a firm foundation and appears to be a serious, long-term relationship. It's just not right for them to see special people come and go, replaced by other people, their parent expressing love and affection to all comers, the kids starting to form attachments and then they disappear without so much as a word. They need to feel that things are stable and secure. The will experience instability as the norm and feel less secure in their own relationship with the parent.

 

Sex and the kid's schedule is inherently problematic for people who are dedicated to their kids. If there is shared custody it makes it easier but you still have to get schedules aligned, and there will be times you have to accept that your time get preempted. This is why I agree that it's hard for a single parent to date someone who doesn't have kids. There will be precious little time for sitting around cuddling on the couch and cooking breakfast together. During certain ages the risk of a child walking in on the couple having sex is high and can be disturbing. I have never had sex with any of my former girlfriends with either of our kids present in the house, and prefer it that way (and they all have had kids).

 

I can tell a lot about a person by observing the relationship they have with their kids. I like to talk about my kid and encourage dating partners to talk about theirs. It would be hard for someone without kids to genuinely relate to this important aspect of who I am. OP, I think you have to fully accept your partner's relationship with the kids and understand that if there is conflict, the kids are not the ones who will lose.

 

The benefits of dating a good parent is that you are getting someone who has learned how to be completely devoted to something, someone outside of himself. This is a major leap in emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. I'm not saying that it doesn't exist outside of parenthood, or that all parents have it, but all good parents do and will understand that aspect of you as well.

 

I have never asked him to choose and nor would I tell him to ditch his child and hang out with me.

 

I want to be included and it gets hard sitting by myself on the weekends.

and just like I have understood that he also needs to understand where I am coming from.

[twilight35]

OP, tell us about the divorce, why did it end, how did it end, ect.[/QUOT

 

it ended because they didn't love each other any more and she found out that he had moved on she got angry told him "I don't want you but I don't want to be happy"

[Balzac]

The only thing he is compelled to understand is his parenting agreement.

[jphcbpa]

it ended because they didn't love each other any more and she found out that he had moved on she got angry told him "I don't want you but I don't want to be happy"

 

Ugh...not good. Nothing much will change until she gets into a R.

Edited July 24, 2013 by jphcbpa

[jphcbpa]

The only thing he is compelled to understand is his parenting agreement.

 

Was there anything in the divorce decree stating 1 year ?

[twilight35]

She has since budged. I could possibly meet their son in a few months. It just gets hard.

 

I don't understand all of this and I actually told him before we started dating that he might want to get involved with someone who has kids already but he insisted said because I told him right off the bat " I want kids of my own"

 

he said "I want you and I want to have more children"

 

he also stated generically that he doesn't want to date a women who has children bc he wants another one and doesn't want to take care of another persons kids

[twilight35]

yes it is in the agreement.

[Balzac]

Of course it is. He agreed to the limitation.

It seems you've known about their agreement for quite

some time.

[twilight35]

Of course it is. He agreed to the limitation.

It seems you've known about their agreement for quite

some time.

 

Yes he did and Yes I did know but sorry to say the only reason he agreed to it was bc she threatened to take him for everything.

[StayBeautiful]

I wish people would take the time to understand divorce and child custody laws before they agree to these conditions.

 

But, if it stands for him, it stands for her too. She also cannot introduce someone to the kids for a year.

[melodymatters]

he also stated generically that he doesn't want to date a women who has children bc he wants another one and doesn't want to take care of another persons kids

 

 

You do see the irony in this statement don't you ?

 

Seriously, I have NEVER heard of an introduction date to new partners being written into a custody/divorce agreement but I'll take your word for it, has anyone else heard/experienced this ?

 

I think it's stupid anyway. I was a divorced single parent and I had lot's of friends of BOTH SEXES, as well as a theatre troupe that sometimes rehearsed at my house. All my daughter knew was " this is my friend Bob" just as she would meet my female friends: " This is my friend Sue".

 

And I'm sorry, I'm finding more and more children of divorce to be self entitled monsters as both parents are trying to make up for something. If they were still married it would be "Sorry, you have to stay at grandma's tonight, dad and I have plans". Or "Sorry, go play with your toys Emily, mom and I have to have an important grown up discussion about work".

 

ONLY in divorce is EVERYONE involved supposed to drop EVERYTHING because the aforementioned Emily decides she wants to go to chuckie cheeses !

[StayBeautiful]

You do see the irony in this statement don't you ?

 

Seriously, I have NEVER heard of an introduction date to new partners being written into a custody/divorce agreement but I'll take your word for it, has anyone else heard/experienced this ?

 

I think it's stupid anyway. I was a divorced single parent and I had lot's of friends of BOTH SEXES, as well as a theatre troupe that sometimes rehearsed at my house. All my daughter knew was " this is my friend Bob" just as she would meet my female friends: " This is my friend Sue".

 

And I'm sorry, I'm finding more and more children of divorce to be self entitled monsters as both parents are trying to make up for something. If they were still married it would be "Sorry, you have to stay at grandma's tonight, dad and I have plans". Or "Sorry, go play with your toys Emily, mom and I have to have an important grown up discussion about work".

 

ONLY in divorce is EVERYONE involved supposed to drop EVERYTHING because the aforementioned Emily decides she wants to go to chuckie cheeses !

 

Every word here is spot on

[Eggplant]

OP, tell us about the divorce, why did it end, how did it end, ect.[/QUOT

 

it ended because they didn't love each other any more and she found out that he had moved on she got angry told him "I don't want you but I don't want to be happy"

 

Life is not fair. If I were his ex-wife, I'd feel angry too. Let's not all pretend that it's equal when a man and woman leave a marriage with children. The man's dating market value is often somewhat high, having had time to establish a career, and having demonstrated that he can be a good father. The woman, on the other hand, who has born him children, and invested all her efforts in a life with him, is very often ****ed. As your boyfriend said himself, he doesn't want to date a woman with children -- he expects a younger woman without children, even though he is an older man with children. Men don't want an older women with children. And stepdads are notoriously worse for children than stepmoms. When men and women marry, an exchange of goods generally takes place -- the woman has to spend her youth on the husband, and bear HIS children, and in return, the husband has to not abandon her, and care for her children, and not have children with other women. If the husband doesn't do this, the woman feels cheated. What exactly was your boyfriend's reason for failing to deliver on his MAJOR life promise of marriage? He wasn't feeling it anymore? Probably wanted a younger girlfriend, like you. And now his ex-wife has to share the man she never agreed to share (investment-wise). While you go into the situation taking into account that he has children with another woman, his ex-wife married him with the belief that he was hers alone, and that her children would get his full parental investments. Had she known what he would do, maybe she'd have chosen somebody else. So you can argue all you want about personal liberties to be happy -- he's happy -- that's great. Well his ex-wife now has very little to lose. He took everything from her. So she has every incentive to take herself down trying to prevent him from having kids with some other woman.

[todreaminblue]

It was really hard for me to imagine my three girls with the partner my ex is with.....he left me for her....there was a deep sadness when they went down to spend time on holiday with them........a certain resentment as she was where i should have been ...hugging them holding them having fun with them......having fun....i sat 2000 km away thinking of them..it took years for me to come around....i did it xmas day i wished her well over the phone....and a happy xmas...i buried the proverbial hatchet and she was grateful i could feel her smile through the phone.....she used to say not so nice things abotu me...judging me in front of the girls......she doesnt anymore she is more supportive sayin gwhat a wonderful job i hav edone with raising my girls....on my own........she still gets jealous if my ex mentions me...or his mother mentions me.....(which she does often)....i am not jealous of her never was......more hurt....i feel sisters shouldnt do that to each other..........i think you should just give the ex time...theres probably hurt and resentment involved......just time....is all it will take...maybe that year she asked for is not far off.....best wishes........deb

[Midnight_Princess]

I personally think this is her protecting her child over anything else. Sure shes probably bitter, but maybe she doesnt want a stranger who could only be around for a few weeks around her child?? Youve been on the scene for a few months, his childs his flesh and blood and will be for life. I think you need to be patient and respect the mothers wishes, and stop pushing your boyfriend to nag about it.

[jcrew11]

You can get prgenant with his child, so then you would have to be around every weekend.