ruby77 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Hi all, So I have been struggling with the break up of my relationship that lasted 3.5 years. I think I am more in the reviewing stage of the breakup now as I have been thinking a lot about how toxic the relationship actually was. My boyfriend (ex) could be quite cold, not in an obvious way but he would never hold my hand or tell me he loved me first, it was always initiated by me. He would put his arm aorund me if I laid on him on the sofa but there were no real meaningful hugs. I didnt feel like I could rely on him emotionally, if I told him things that were troubling me or were important to me he would talk about them but with no feeling, he would dismiss it in a way. I now realise that I spent the whole relationship feeling unloved and unspecial and I think that has really damaged me. I have had breakups before, someone I was with a lot longer and it didnt hurt anywhere near as much as I bounced back quicker even thought that was a much more loving relationship. So is there something in this? Do the breakup of a bad relationship hurt more due to lasting emotional damage from the relationship itself? Is it some sort of rejection I'm feeling because of the way the relationship was even though I broke up with him? The break up was also quite shocking for me, I told him how unhappy I was and that the way he was towards me was making me unhappy and he did nothing to rectify it. When I finally ended it, he said 'ok, I accept your decision' and it really hurt that he didn't feel enough for me to fight for me. I feel like I wasted so much time on this man. My question I guess is, how do I move on from this? How do I heal from the damage this relationship did to me and in my head, is the reason the breakup affected me so much more than I thought it would. I hope that all makes sense, what do you think?
lavenderlove Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Hi, I have plenty of thoughts on this. I think i have been in a similar relationship. In my relationship it started slowly. I adjusted myself to him a lot in the first few years and then we grew more distant. It's interesting to think about the smallest things and the largest things only. Small things being a hug and a kiss how does it feel to be in his arms...how did it feel to wake up next to him in the morning. And then the big things, the future plans, the Christmases spent together. Shopping for an engagement ring. When I look at those only then do I see how it really was. I dwindled away. Began drying up and cooling down as the months went by and his ignorance became more and more apparent. Didn't pick me up at the airport after an over 30 hour international flight not having seen me for four months. My question I guess is, how do I move on from this? How do I heal from the damage this relationship did to me and in my head, is the reason the breakup affected me so much more than I thought it would. So how do you move on? I guess you should look at what went wrong and what contributed to it going wrong. What mistakes is he accountable for and which ones were yours. Then you forgive him in your heart for being who he is and not loving you because he didn't find it in his heart. Then you look at your mistakes and take them apart and go on an honest self-discovery journey. You learn your lesson and forgive yourself. By this time you should feel more self respect. So the next step is making a decision based on what your heart desires. If you want to be loved and cherished like the way you like to love and cherish you must let go of your self destructive patterns of being with someone who doesn't love you. Because if you don't, you will end up with someone just like him over and over again in a different body. I am still in the process of doing this. I just try to be kind to myself and learn how to be more beautiful (physically), more giving(with everyone I come across) more successful in life (finally putting long term plans into act) and more happy(live in the moment). 2
Author ruby77 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Thank you for replying and its interesting to hear from someone who had a similar relationship. The thing you said about picking you up from the airport, reminds me of when I had a hospital appt for minor surgery as an outpatient and was a bit nervous. I had to ask my ex to take me, he didn't offer and even then he just dropped me off and told me to call him when I was done, didn't even stay with me! I should have known he wasn't enough for me then and that brings me to your question to what I contributed to it going wrong. I knew the way he was from day one but I chose to ignore it, thought I could live with it but i just couldn't. He can't help the way he is i guess and i need to accept that and not be angry about it but i should have been honest with myself from the beginning and not put up with it but at least i know that now for future relationships and won't ignore the red flags. Thank you, this has been quite theraputic! How long ago did you break up and how are you doing now?
adelia Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Hey ruby Be glad you're out of that relationship! A good friend of mine is in the process of divorce from A marriage like that. Some people don't know how or aren't naturally inclined to show affection and love. It could be from how they were raised or just who they are. She stayed yrs with him and it wore her down to nothing. She felt so unattractive and unlivable by the time she decided to make changes. Now she's met a wonderful man through a dating site. He comes from an emotionally abusive relationship. They're both getting counseling and making plans for a future together. I can't tell you how many times she cried to me telling me how she pleaded with him for change and to show her how much she meant to him but he couldn't do it. So she moved on and forgave him. They share children together and they have been friends but never close in their marriage in the way a man and woman should be. If something is a struggle to make work it's usually because it's not meant to. With love it shouldn't be a constant struggle. Work it is but never where you are trying to get someone to love you. Love should be a natural thing. You have needs and he couldn't fill them so you're wise to find a man that is like you and needs the same things. Good luck
inaya42 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 these relationships are slow torture that decimate the self-esteem of the neglected party. they are also highly addictive, like crack. over time you learn to subsist off of less love, less regard, less consideration all whe being judged as inadequate or needy for needing something as basic as a hug, a check-in phone call, a romantic gesture during a holiday. and all while the neglected party feels like a desperate, vulnerable needy pet, the beloved is like a powerful idol atop a pedestal deciding when to give scraps of attention. it is horrible horrible horrible and utterly pointless. run - like the wind! 2
adelia Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 That's exactly it. She kept being ok with less and less and meanwhile she wasn't ok with it. It was killing her little by little destroying who she was and could be. I asked her one day why do you stay? What is it he's giving to you that makes it worthwhile? She couldn't answer. I told her being lonely on your own is far less painful than being lonely with someone that is supposed to want to love you but can't even bring himself to. That is pain and why would you live that. Go after what it is you want and need in life and don't settle for someone who isn't capable or who doesn't want to treat you with the love and attention you so deserve. There's a guy out there that will
lavenderlove Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 Thank you, this has been quite theraputic! How long ago did you break up and how are you doing now? You are most welcome! Thanks for asking, we broke up in Feb and I moved out straight away. Went through crazy times. My threads will show you the progress. I still woke up this morning sobbing. Then I thought. How awfully cruel it is to start the day like that! You are not even awake yet, but your ex is already ruining your day. But my day got a lot better. It is a very special one today because I finally realised why was I in these (2 in total) destructive relationships. I was sitting in the backyard after work watching the mountains and thought to myself: why is it that everyone I love leaves me? I wasn't whining, I was serious. and I think I have found the reason. Why is it that everyone who leaves me I love? I somehow never valued relationships in which I was loved compared to relationships in which I had to work hard to be loved. So I spent most of my time chasing those two men who didn't love me, when I know I let go of the ones that did. I thought I don't 'LOVE' them, and true, they probably weren't the One, but I think it had a lot to do with, A, he loves ME (me meaning the second grade material) so he can't be that awesome B, it's too easy it can't be right, love is meant to be flaming and burning and passionate and above all complicated I guess I am different now. I think that the person who chooses me will have a better time that he ever dreamt of. Because I have so much to give. (and I have an hourglass figure hahaha) And I am so happy that all that will not be wasted on self obsessed narcissistic ego heads. B was a bit harder to tackle. It is called gratitude. Not having to go through war to be able to appreciate peace. (Hm actually I just got through war.) And here I arrived at my mistake I made in my relationship with my current ex. After some peaceful years I must admit I started some trouble. I wanted a bit of drama, I wanted to rekindle those loving flames. When we met he was really into me and I wasn't THAT into him and we had a romantic cat and mouse game-so I figured around year 5, if I draw away a little it might awaken him...this is when the 3 year hell has started. I guess I didn't realise that our furniture was soaked in gasoline. sorry about the last line, couldn't help it. I know its corny but the solution is loving yourself and putting yourself first. Its about making extra effort in the relationships that are closest to you, but particulary the relationship with yourself. Once you get back on track you see things so much clearer. The world looks a different place. A book I found that helped me was 'The power of now'. I agree to loving thyself. I have found that the best way of loving yourself also is by finding an outlet through which you can love others. Example: I felt flat all day (remember my morning) until I bought a jacket for my sister. This somehow made me euphoric, because she is 13 and I haven't seen for 10 months, and I will mail it to her and I have a feeling that she will love it. I have been reading The art of happiness and Beyond religion by his holiness the Dalai Lama, and these two books got me out of bed in the mornings. Ruby, collect yourself, and it can only go upwards from now on! Love, Lavender
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