Do people fall in love at different rates?

July 24, 2013

Hi, I have been seeing my current BF exclusively for 5 months. I am 17 and he is turning 21 next month (we're 3 1/2 years apart). Things have gone very well. He is the most sweetest, loving, and caring guy. I'm very thankful for him. He treats me VERY well. I feel that we moved too fast in our relationship. It also seems he's more into me than I of him. I'm not saying that I don't care for him, I do. I just don't feel that whole "in love" spark that people seem to get. I noticed this at the beginning where I wasn't in the "honeymoon" phase where he is PERFECT, our relationship is FLAWLESS, everything's coming up roses etc etc.

He initiated "I love you.", talks about our future, always wants to see me, texts me often, etc. I appreciate the great lengths he takes very much. He also says all the time "You stole my heart from the very beginning. I thank God for you everyday!" or "I love you sooooo much! Thank you for being my girlfriend!"

I just still haven't gotten over the initial shock that he fell for me so quickly. He also moved the relationship (as I've stated above) wayyyyy too fast. He started to mention engagement, weddings, etc. So I suggested getting each other promise rings since I wasn't anywhere NEAR ready. I have told him that I want to wait till after college to get ready. He has reluctantly agreed to wait.

I really like him, I care for him. I THINK I love him. I'm just not 100% SURE. I sorta feel bad about this. He's given me 100% emotionally and well...I'm just not there yet. I also feel I'm not wanting to put that much effort into our relationship. Where he would WANT to drive an hour to see me, where I would NOT want to (I still would and do. I just don't have a HUGE burning desire to). Or where I would want to see him maybe 2-3 times a week where he wants to see me everyday. Please don't think of me selfish. I do drive to see him and I want to because it would be nice. I just...am not crazy in love like some people are or like he is. My mother and friends have suggested I give us a year to see how my feelings develop. Should I? Do people fall in love at different rates? Maybe it'll take me much more time than him? I'm sort of frustrated I'm not developing love faster. Any thoughts, advice etc. would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for reading!

July 24, 2013

Hard to answer this one. You see, I believe that the man and the penis falls in love at a different rate if that makes any sense.

July 24, 2013

Want to add:

Just to clear everything up, I DO NOT want to break up. I'm just wondering when or if I'll every feel that burning, crazy for you love like he does. I do really like him and care for him. I'm hoping once our relationship develops, I'll invest more emotionally. I'm just not crazy in love now....I guess I like slower moving relationships?

July 24, 2013

Hard to answer this one. You see, I believe that the man and the penis falls in love at a different rate if that makes any sense.

We're not sexually active. I would like to wait longer for sex to see how we develop and he respects that.

July 24, 2013

sorry call me cynical but you are 17.... he is 21... unless you are both super religious Mormons then I am going to go with him wanting in your pants... I am going to go with him playing the chase and seeing if he can catch you.

are you a virgin?

how long have you known each-other?

Has his actions been upstanding from the start?

If this is not the case and he is falling for you harder and faster than you and your relationship is all PG-13 then I suggest one of 2 things.

Break up with him or talk to him about how hard and strong he is coming on.

It doesn't seem like you would miss him incredibly if things went south so what do you have to lose right?

July 24, 2013

sorry call me cynical but you are 17.... he is 21... unless you are both super religious Mormons then I am going to go with him wanting in your pants... I am going to go with him playing the chase and seeing if he can catch you.

are you a virgin?
how long have you known each-other?
Has his actions been upstanding from the start?

If this is not the case and he is falling for you harder and faster than you and your relationship is all PG-13 then I suggest one of 2 things.

Break up with him or talk to him about how hard and strong he is coming on.

It doesn't seem like you would miss him incredibly if things went south so what do you have to lose right?

We are both virgins. we are both serious Christians and want to wait till marriage. we keep things PG 13.

July 24, 2013

Hard to answer this one. You see, I believe that the man and the penis falls in love at a different rate if that makes any sense.

I believe if the woman doesn't initiate the I love you situation and doesn't have a bigger emotional investment in the relationship than the man does, the relationship is more likely to not work out.

I have never seen a man be the more "in love" of the two partners or initiate the I love you stuff and have the situation work out in the end.

July 24, 2013

If you want to wait till marriage and are serious Christians I'd say it's pretty normal to be talking about marriage and stuff. Wouldn't you expect to be engaged within a year?

No, I want to wait till after school for financial reasons to get married. He agreed. we just think it'd be best for our situation to wait.

July 24, 2013

I believe if the woman doesn't initiate the I love you situation and doesn't have a bigger emotional investment in the relationship than the man does, the relationship is more likely to not work out.

I have never seen a man be the more "in love" of the two partners or initiate the I love you stuff and have the situation work out in the end.

its not that I don't care for him. its just too soon for me I guess? I really like him. just not crazy in love.

July 24, 2013

Men do fall in love quicker than women. That's not unusual. You guys are WAY TOO YOUNG to be talking about marriage. You need to finish your education, start a career and grow into what you will become. It's useless to make all these plans now since you will grow to be completely different people in 10 years. People mature and change. That's a fact. Just keep it natural, and don't force it. There is a lot to look forward to. I am speaking from experience. I fell in love with a woman when I was 19. Married her when I was 23. Divorced after 12 years because she grew into a person I would have never married if I had known. Take your time!

July 24, 2013

its not that I don't care for him. its just too soon for me I guess? I really like him. just not crazy in love.

This is not a slight against you. Either you guys are different emotionally, and that can be a problem, or you're forcing yourself to stay with him, which is an even bigger problem.

The fact that he woud want to see you everyday and travel long distances to do so and you would not is very telling. He has invested way more emotionally.

It seems, from the outside looking in, if you guys were to break up tomorrow, you'd be bummed for about a week and he would be crushed for months.

I think you are feeling guilty about it and forcing yourself to bring yourself to his level but you can't. You're either gaga about someone or you're not. I don't believe it grows.

Let me ask you, have you ever felt that intense, gaga, in love feeling with someone else in the past?

July 24, 2013

This is not a slight against you. Either you guys are different emotionally, and that can be a problem, or you're forcing yourself to stay with him, which is an even bigger problem.

The fact that he woud want to see you everyday and travel long distances to do so and you would not is very telling. He has invested way more emotionally.

It seems, from the outside looking in, if you guys were to break up tomorrow, you'd be bummed for about a week and he would be crushed for months.

I think you are feeling guilty about it and forcing yourself to bring yourself to his level but you can't. You're either gaga about someone or you're not. I don't believe it grows.

Let me ask you, have you ever felt that intense, gaga, in love feeling with someone else in the past?

No, I have not. I don't want to break up. I just want to take things slow. I do feel guilty for not being gaga about him. My mother told me my feelings could possibly grow and to give him a chance. I am...I'm just really...confused and hoping my feelings do grow.

July 24, 2013

No, I have not. I don't want to break up. I just want to take things slow. I do feel guilty for not being gaga about him. My mother told me my feelings could possibly grow and to give him a chance. I am...I'm just really...confused and hoping my feelings do grow.

That's a nice thought, but what if it doesn't grow? Think about the gamble.

6 months from now, 12 months from now, you have not changed, and he's even more attached.

Then what? Break up then? It'll be much harder on him at that point.

I don't think you should wait a year, personally. That is way too much time wasted on your part and his if at the end of that year you still feel the same.

July 24, 2013

Are you guys perhaps doing that thing where you call yourself virgins but other stuff happens excluding penis in vagina stuff?

No, we are both wanting to wait. We do kiss, make out, cuddle, etc. bit nothing more. he wants to as well. He wants to be done school as well. he said he wasn't thinking when he brought up marriage and wants to keep things PG 13 till marriage ( which will be in 4 or 5 years for him). please respect our wishes.

July 24, 2013

No, we are both wanting to wait. We do kiss, make out, cuddle, etc. bit nothing more. he wants to as well. He wants to be done school as well. he said he wasn't thinking when he brought up marriage and wants to keep things PG 13 till marriage ( which will be in 4 or 5 years for him). please respect our wishes.

But 4 years from now would make you 21?....

For a man you're not completely crazy about?

Please. Listen to the advice others in this thread have already given you.

July 24, 2013

That's a nice thought, but what if it doesn't grow? Think about the gamble.

6 months from now, 12 months from now, you have not changed, and he's even more attached.

Then what? Break up then? It'll be much harder on him at that point.

I don't think you should wait a year, personally. That is way too much time wasted on your part and his if at the end of that year you still feel the same.

I agree. I just don't want to make a wrong or rash decision. I do like him a lot...as much as a normal 5 month relationship should be? I am even more confused...lol.

July 24, 2013

Want to add:
Just to clear everything up, I DO NOT want to break up. I'm just wondering when or if I'll every feel that burning, crazy for you love like he does. I do really like him and care for him. I'm hoping once our relationship develops, I'll invest more emotionally. I'm just not crazy in love now....I guess I like slower moving relationships?

Honestly, you may never.

It's been 5 months, not 5 weeks. You've had plenty of time to get to know him, invest emotionally, and feel that strong pull and "spark" towards him. I'm a believer that if you don't feel it from the beginning, it doesn't magically just show up the longer you date.

With one of my exes I felt like this. He was SO into me and I never felt that way towards him. I thought that if we dated longer, and I became more attached to him emotionally that it would grow, and no, it never did. I cared for him as a person obviously, but I never felt that THING that romantic couples feel. At most, he was a best friend, brother figure.

July 24, 2013

I feel your struggle. I have been this way with guys, and I end up dumping them because I just can't emotionally attach so quickly. Recently, I saw someone and I was the one to fall head over heels, I would drive the hour to see him and he liked me a lot but wasn't ready to put in the 100% effort I was. He needs to get his life together and his head on straight so we are not together anymore. I would say take a step back and look at yourself. If this guy is great, then there may be something lurking within you that prevents you from giving him more.

I am very private with my thoughts and getting attached to people. I get so attached to them that it hurts, and I truly love people, so if something goes wrong I get ripped to shreds inside. That's why it probably hasn't worked out for me in the past because I am too afraid it will work out and I run, to not get hurt. With this most recent guy I opened up a ton, but I feel I could have even opened up more....take some time to reflect on yourself. Then look at him, maybe he isn't the one for you. But don't make a hasty assumption. Guys wake up and realize they love girls. Girls grow into it. Good Luck.

July 24, 2013

I believe if the woman doesn't initiate the I love you situation and doesn't have a bigger emotional investment in the relationship than the man does, the relationship is more likely to not work out.

I have never seen a man be the more "in love" of the two partners or initiate the I love you stuff and have the situation work out in the end.

This does typically seem to be true. Whether it's societal gender role type sh*t or something more intrinsic/biological, the female seems to have more license to get worked up and excited over a new relationship. It's just more feminine behavior. Maybe since, in animalistic terms, men are supposed to be the unattached seed-spreaders always on the lookout for a new vagina. Since theyre the less selective gender, biologically, I suppose it makes sense that it wouldn't be as thrilling for them to find a seemingly quality/compatible mate.

Ideally it would be a relatively even, mutual attraction. I agree with Castle that it's not a very promising start. Anyway, you're 17, I'd recommend dating at least a couple other guys before you even consider marriage. Regardless of religion.

July 24, 2013

I'm going to chime in a bit.

I'm in a relationship now where I didn't expect to be in love but feel like I'm going that way. She has been in love with me for a long time. Notice that I'm not entirely sure that I am in love, but I have become increasingly smitten with this girl.

I also think it's entirely possible to be with someone when you're 17 and end up with them exclusively for the rest of your life, without giving your virginity to anyone else. This is much less common these days, but it happens a lot usually among those who value their religion the most. These people also get married young in part because, and this is important, they realize they want to share their 20-something-year old bodies with each other. Almost everyone is the most physically attractive from around your age to about 22-25, after which you get less attractive. That's not to say you won't have a wonderfully romantic and passionate relationship later and learn to love each others' aging bodies, but I was 26 when I lost my virginity and I'm not married. I had vowed to remain a virgin until marriage, and was particularly religious in my youth.

The only regret I have is that I held on to the hope of losing my virginity to one person so long without realizing I was giving up my sexual prime. It's just the way I was raised. I remember my parents touching on this, but they never laid it bare, and I was much more intensely conditioned to abstain no matter what. And it didn't work out for the same reason stated here, I changed a lot through the years.

However, I think it's completely reasonable and even ideal for some people to give up their sexual prime and forsake all other sexual fantasies in order to be with just one person. But, it should be laid bare, and much of the time parents are so afraid that you'll make or repeat their sexual mistakes that they're not completely honest, which isn't fair.

Edited July 24, 2013 by Sidz

July 24, 2013

If you were smitten with him, you would have felt it already. Five months is a very long time. Smitten feeling is there nearly immediately.

Love can grow, but it will more likely be slow burning affection than crazy passionate love. You are way, way too young to settle for slow burning affection.

Don't sell yourself short and don't lead him on.

July 25, 2013

We're not sexually active.

Bingo! This should answer your question.

July 25, 2013

Under 26 is not the sexual prime for a man. Also she has perfect hopes of losing her virginity to this guy during their honeymoon after they get married thing is she's setting way to long of a time line. 5 years!!! This guy is talking marriage now and it's no joke. She's like mmmm please give me a promise pin even though I kind of think I might want to dump you.

I'm just trying to bring the realities of her situation forward. Sure wait till marriage to have sex. Don't think you're going to get 5 year relationships though. He's talking marriage now and it's no joke. It makes sense.

When I first met him, he had every intention to wait till he was done college to get married (4 years). Nor would he consider sex before marriage. It wasn't until he told me he fell for me hard that he brought up marriage. I told him it would be hard since we would be juggling jobs, school, rent, groceries, house chores, AND our marriage etc. He agreed and went back to his original idea. He told me he would be out in 4 years and asked if I'd be willing to wait. I proposed the promise ring idea while we're in college to test things out since I wasn't ready and he LOVED that idea, so we got them over the next week or so before we both go into college (me entering and he finishing his degree).

July 25, 2013

Honestly, you may never.

It's been 5 months, not 5 weeks. You've had plenty of time to get to know him, invest emotionally, and feel that strong pull and "spark" towards him. I'm a believer that if you don't feel it from the beginning, it doesn't magically just show up the longer you date.

With one of my exes I felt like this. He was SO into me and I never felt that way towards him. I thought that if we dated longer, and I became more attached to him emotionally that it would grow, and no, it never did. I cared for him as a person obviously, but I never felt that THING that romantic couples feel. At most, he was a best friend, brother figure.

I mean, it's not like I don't like him. I really like him. I'm not sure if I love him. Which I thought was okay since you don't have to fall head over heels for someone within the first year or so? I just don't get attached as quickly. I mean, some couples from the forums on here and some of my friends have stated they weren't ready for the "I love yous" for quite a while. I will sit down and tell him how I feel then and if it doesn't go well, I should end it? I honestly don't want to. I just feel like I need time.

July 25, 2013

Men usually fall in love quicker, that's completely normal. The problem is 5 months is enough for you to be more emotionally invested in him.

I also feel like the guy comes off too strong and, whether you realize it or not, it kinda scares you away. Guy needs to keep it cool. "Thank you for being my girlfriend" is an example of going too far. It's a very usual turn off for women.

You may want to consider breaking up. If it's been 5 months already and you don't feel something nearly as strong as he does, you could be wasting his time and yours.

And the truly messed up thing is this: somewhere down the line, you could meet someone who will put you in his position (hopelessly in love, that is). You could meet someone you feel crazy about, and the more time you spend with this guy the more it will hurt when you end things.

Don't go jumping the gun, though. Maybe you just really do need a little more time for your feelings to grow. In the meantime, tell him you want to take things slow. Let him know he needs to back off a little. It could be this smothering attitude of his that wont let your feelings grow. Hope I helped

ps. I'm not bringing all the sex stuff into the table. I don't think its really making any difference in this particular situation, especially since you both know you want to wait. It's up to you and we should all respect that; none of our businees. I don't know why it's being brought up so much in your thread.

Edited July 25, 2013 by twinkie0

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