Sleeping dogs.

July 24, 2013

My XH turned out to be cheating on me while we were engaged. I didnt find everythng out until he continued cheating and we finally divorced. It was hands down the most traumatic event of my life. Not just the cheating , but the fact that he was cheating and still wanted to marry me. I changed mine and my daughters life for him.

Had someone told me, I wouldnt have married him or at the very least would have brought his problem into the light to be looked at.

But that didnt happen.

We arent given that many opportunities in life to do something heroic. This kind of thing is hard to do and its thankless.

But you will have this for the rest of your life...knowing you did the right thing. Its a sacrifice I know. But these things come back to you.

Think about it. I hope you tell her. Then move on and dont regret it.

July 24, 2013

Thank you praying. Wise words. I agree she will marry him anyway. 99 percent.

I actually don't think he will throw me under the bus par se. Maybe if I told yeah it's hard to say. Not sure and people can only speculate.

I knew him and our relationship better than anyone on the boards.

I'm so numb at the moment like all the feeling I had had been sucked out of me.

It's easy to bury your head when you never have to see someone or get to know them. Everyone is out for themselves I totally agree!!

July 24, 2013

Wow. The woman is about to marry a guy who has already cheated on her, and you won't even tell her... why, exactly?

She and him aren't married, so she could very well make a clean exit and save herself the possibility of years of pain.

I completely disagree with P4P, whether or not she marries him, you should tell. It's sad that just because she'll marry him... you should just keep quiet.

WHO CARES what he will think of you? Or say? You and him are over, so it should not matter anyway.

At least tell her anonymously.

She deserves to know who she is about to marry and it is sad that you refuse to give her the truth about who/what she'll get into. Let her have a dang choice. Wouldn't you want to know if your fiancé cheated on you?

SMH. I will never understand the selfishness and self-preserving, cowardice that goes into affairs.

July 24, 2013

I mean, y'all have the balls to sleep with & have relationships with married people but don't have the balls to come clean and be honest/accept the repercussions that come with the territory??

July 24, 2013

didn't sleep with him and ended it fairly early on. Again the whole tone of your post clearly blames me so that just makes me stand my ground even more and stick to my decision.

going through a lot right now and don't need posts like yours, trying to make me feel bad thank you very much sweetpea. Come back to me when you fall in love with your friend and confident and then find out you have cancer and might die leaving your two children behind without a mother and tell me how you feel please.

July 24, 2013

didn't sleep with him and ended it fairly early on. Again the whole tone of your post clearly blames me so that just makes me stand my ground even more and stick to my decision.

going through a lot right now and don't need posts like yours, trying to make me feel bad thank you very much sweetpea. Come back to me when you fall in love with your friend and confident and then find out you have cancer and might die leaving your two children behind without a mother and tell me how you feel please.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad & I'm so sorry you have cancer, I truly hope you can fight it and recover well. I'm a Type 1 Diabetic and after DDay, I had to go to the hospital multiple times because I was in so much pain that I neglected to take my insulin and other things. You aren't the only one going through hard ships coupled with the affair.

------

Now... where did I blame you?! YOU had an affair with a soon-to-be-MM, right?! It seems like you already had your mind made up and weren't planning on telling her, anyway. Like I said, why is it that you had the balls to have a relationship with him but don't have the balls to at least anonymously tell her the truth? If you are afraid of the consequences, why can't you tell her anonymously?

July 24, 2013

anyway done with this post now. will think about everything properly until I reach a decision but i do not want anymore drama in my life and I know this will encourage it.

My life and my 2 children come FIRST that's the way it is and I think I already made a brave choice to leave the affair,

I am not proud of my actions, I regret getting involved, I got caught up and made a mistake.

nearly Everyone is seeing things from her point of view, and poor her, but at this point I see it as my life and happiness V someone i don't know, that's what it boils down to.

July 24, 2013

i refuse to compare aggressive breast cancer with chemotherapy radiotherapy and extensive surgery with diabetes, Im not posting anymore on this post, your post just proves everyone is out for themselves.

July 24, 2013

i refuse to compare aggressive breast cancer with chemotherapy radiotherapy and extensive surgery with diabetes, Im not posting anymore on this post, your post just proves everyone is out for themselves.

I wasn't comparing the two illnesses, I was only showing that you weren't the only one to go through a hard time with a disease BUT if that's what you took out of it... ok. Cancer is no more important than any other illness. Your posts, on the other hand...well....

July 24, 2013

don't really care what you think, your posts are not constructive and just rude really, and you think I lack empathy, ha ha. *ignored

July 24, 2013

LOL ok

July 24, 2013

It's very easy for you to be bias from your perspective.

You're making an incorrect assumption. Besides being a fBS, I'm also a fWH and a fMOM.

If I'm biased at all, it's a bias towards what is best for you and everyone involved.

Edited July 24, 2013 by BetrayedH

July 24, 2013

If one of your children and their friend did something to hurt someone else, but that person did not know, would you tell your child to admit their mistake and apologize?

would you tell your child that as long as the injured party doesn't find out, it's ok? Or that it is their partner in crime's responsibility to take care of it and they can just pretend nothing happened?

July 24, 2013

ok look, i have been trying to draft something in word, its just impossible, everything sounds awful, i literally cannot do it. its all well and good you all laying guilt trips on me, yeah i do feel guilty or wouldn't be drafting...

We didn't have a D day, he/ we were lucky. I got out in time. The house was on fire. Why would i run back in to a burning building.

Im having chemotherapy for god sake, im 34 trying to keep my family life sane. What if she and her family come and hit me, or stalk me, or verbally attack me and torment me? It might kill me. Why is no body even thinking of this? I don't know why I am asking because all everyone on this board care about is the engaged woman. how do we know she hasn't cheated and kept quiet? we don't.

Things happen for a reason. I don't know why they just do. for some reason D day didn't happen.

July 24, 2013

anyway done with this post now. will think about everything properly until I reach a decision but i do not want anymore drama in my life and I know this will encourage it.
My life and my 2 children come FIRST that's the way it is and I think I already made a brave choice to leave the affair,
I am not proud of my actions, I regret getting involved, I got caught up and made a mistake.

nearly Everyone is seeing things from her point of view, and poor her, but at this point I see it as my life and happiness V someone i don't know, that's what it boils down to.

Your choices are your choices, but I hope one day you can see it from her point of view. She was the victim in this mess she does not know about. I would have given anything to have been told the truth, but my WH and his MOW were both too chickensh*t to tell me. I uncovered most of the truth on my own. My WH is not who I thought he was and he has a lot of work to do if he wants to be with me.

I wish you well on your journey and let you know you are very strong to have walked away from this A. That is not easy to do. I hope you stay NC and I hope if a DDay does occur that you would give his BS the truth.

July 24, 2013

I will stay NC. :-)

if she finds out another way or asked me about it, I would be honest. Its very new, I am fresh out. it may be that I decide to tell her down the line, but forcing a D day for her benefit only just doesn't seem likely at this moment in time.

at the moment they both want this wedding, that we know or we can presume. ok she doesn't know the real him, but I know she will still marry him anyway, but Im almost certain. He earns all the money, shes not working, when she thought he was cheating she went to his mum instead of him, and his mum asked him about me. I had to push for this info early on, when he said "cant speak to you anymore" believe me he doesn't speak of her , especially not badly. That's not a woman who will up and leave her man is it. Tell me Im wrong?

July 24, 2013

I will stay NC. :-)

if she finds out another way or asked me about it, I would be honest. Its very new, I am fresh out. it may be that I decide to tell her down the line, but forcing a D day for her benefit only just doesn't seem likely at this moment in time.

at the moment they both want this wedding, that we know or we can presume. ok she doesn't know the real him, but I know she will still marry him anyway, but Im almost certain. He earns all the money, shes not working, when she thought he was cheating she went to his mum instead of him, and his mum asked him about me. I had to push for this info early on, when he said "cant speak to you anymore" believe me he doesn't speak of her , especially not badly. That's not a woman who will up and leave her man is it. Tell me Im wrong?

Good for you for wanting to stay NC

You only know what you will do when put in that situation. I thought I would have left after I found out that my WH's A went underground, but I stayed. I wasn't working on the M per say just figuring out what I needed to do to heal and make decisions clearly. If and when she finds out only she will know what is good for her and her relationship. Those things are too hard to predict.

July 24, 2013

i think he will too this time. He agreed it was wrong, he knows its wrong, and our affair was not fuelled by sex it was fuelled by emotions. I think something is wrong at home, for him to have been talking so much to me all day. But then other people tell me nothing is wrong they just want the attention.

i have thought tonight of ways to raise her alarm bells anon, like the perfect murder but not murder obviously, i cant think of anything that doesn't look obvious its from me. I guess ive gone from not wanting to spill to at least consider it.

July 24, 2013

I know this can't be easy for you. I do empathize with your situation. If you need help drafting the letter, I'll be happy to help you.

Doing the honest thing will benefit you- it will give you some peace of mind and allow you to purge some of the bad feelings you are having about this situation, so you can give 100% focus to your health and your children. Carrying around guilt and shame is bad for you- this letter is just as much for you as it is for her.

It doesn't matter what she does with the information- that is up to her. She may very well decide to ignore your letter and go through with the wedding. But that doesn't matter- that's her choice. You don't want to be looking back on this years from now and regretting not reaching out to her.

People make bad choices every day, we all make mistakes.- it's how we handle the aftermath and consequences of those choices that define our charachter. This is weighing heavily on your mind, that's why you posted this topic looking for answers. We can give you our opinions, but in the end you will come up with what you think the ethical thing to do is, and have the courage to follow through and do it. We are here for support if you want it.

July 25, 2013

i think he will too this time. He agreed it was wrong, he knows its wrong, and our affair was not fuelled by sex it was fuelled by emotions. I think something is wrong at home, for him to have been talking so much to me all day. But then other people tell me nothing is wrong they just want the attention.

i have thought tonight of ways to raise her alarm bells anon, like the perfect murder but not murder obviously, i cant think of anything that doesn't look obvious its from me. I guess ive gone from not wanting to spill to at least consider it.

Like I said earlier..... Think about what YOU want to accomplish. I don't care if people call this selfish just do what you think is best. I have been pounded by people on here but guess what..... I asked.

Take the things people are saying and consider you options. I promise I see your side and I know you will be fine.

Keep posting, seek answers... they will come...

July 25, 2013

I know this is a tough decision for you. I have never been in your place, so I can't fully imagine the struggle. But I did want to say one thing. I admire you for caring enough to struggle with this. I admire that you DO care about what you and this man did and about the affect it might have on his fiancé. I have seen many situations where an OW almost demonizes the BS and convinces themselves that they are completely blameless in the whole situation. It speaks well of your character that you cannot hurt someone - even someone you have never met - and not be bothered by it.

July 25, 2013

I think you may be over thinking this disclosure with who will, feel, say, do what.

You are attaching too much importance to the outcome which is beyond anyone's control.

you can only control you and how you react or do not react to others.

Empathy and taking the high road is pretty simple....

Imagine YOU are engaged to be married and your fiancé is having an EA, which he would like to take to a PA with another woman.

Would you like to be told the truth? Even if you decide to go ahead and marry him anyway? Even if it was OVER because the OW walked away, not him?

It really is pretty simple.

I think the anxiety of NOT doing the right thing can cause health issues you do not need right now.

Cross it off your list and move on to attend the very real health issues you face today.

July 25, 2013

I think you should tell her. She needs to know. I would want to know. Just do it in the most respectful way possible, and remember that it's not up to you what she chooses to do with the info. If she doesn't believe you, or decides to marry him anyway, you don't get to be angry with her for it; those are HER life choices, not yours.

I liked the idea posted above of telling her to email you if she wants more info. That leaves it up to her to decide. And if he starts calling you once you tell, don't respond (block his number! You should've done this a long time ago!)

Here is a recent thread discussing how the OW sometimes treats the BS like crap when she discloses the affair: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/407126-ap-tells-you-you-had-right-know. Just try to be gentle, don't volunteer too much info, and don't expect her to believe you or leave him. Your duty is to tell her. You do not need to stick around for the aftermath. And if BS or WH talk sh*t on you, don't worry about it. They will tell each other what they want to hear, and they'll deal with it in their own way. Once you put the ball in their court, leave it there.

July 25, 2013

no I don't dislike her, I don't know her. Shes probably a nice woman. Maybe I could add calm and collective in to that too. When she had her suspicions about me, I never heard from her via social networking sites I the a thought I might, but she didn't contact me. I do feel a bit bad, but this is hard you see because I don't know her, I have seen her ONCE in a supermarket.

Yes they certainly do have a date for the wedding, it is very real and in 8 months time. He has been working is arse off to pay for everything. I did think to myself perhaps all her wedding planning is taking its toll on him, I know how brides obsess about become bridezillas, ha ha I was one once.

Then I thought this should be a really exciting happy time, and surely not the usual time to be having an addictive EA?

I can assure you that I have NO hope for us, him leaving her for me, that is not the reason I am withholding info, I promise. Yes I told him never to contact me again unless they are not together, but that literally meant Don't even contact me again ever as I know he won't leave.

I just wish he would man up and tell her, I cannot understand how he is starting a marriage and carrying this guilt around!

July 25, 2013

I applaud your efforts to draft something to her.

I'd recommend not making it complicated. The initial drafts from OW typically try to include an explanation (which just comes off as justifying it). As much as you might want her to understand, she's simply not going to like anything that sounds like you justifying being involved with her fiance. The best initial contacts are brief ones.

"Dear BF,

I'm writing to confess that I've been involved in an emotional affair with your fiance for x months. I was in a bad place in life and made poor decisions. I'm sorry I got involved with him.

I broke off the affair and have asked that he have no contact with me. I promise to you that I will have no contact with him. It is over.

But I haven't been able to put this behind me knowing that you're engaged to marry him. I'm trying to make good decisions now and I couldn't leave you in the dark. If you have questions for me, I'm prepared to answer questions openly and honestly and from there, I ask to be able to move on with my life and I will stay out of yours.

I'm sorry to bring you this news and that I was a third party in your relationship. I will do what I can to make it right for you; you deserved to know the truth.

Kind regards,

AA"

Sign In

Sleeping dogs.

Recommended Posts

2sure

affairaddict

sweet_pea

sweet_pea

affairaddict

sweet_pea

affairaddict

affairaddict

sweet_pea

affairaddict

sweet_pea

BetrayedH

Betterthanthis13

affairaddict

ladydesigner

affairaddict

ladydesigner

affairaddict

Betterthanthis13

MMY

janedoe67

Spark1111

compulsivedancer

affairaddict

BetrayedH

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...