Sleeping dogs.

[affairaddict]

Engaged man marrying next year. Had over a year EA intense, turned PA, not full sex but almost. meets phone calls, 9000 messages on facebook back and fourth, Tried NC, last time lasted 2 months, asked him not to come back, he did.

 

Says he cant talk to anyone like me, I asked about her? no answer.. Now wants to have sex with me, bearing in mind he avoided anything sexual barring kissing for a year as he didn't want to "cheat."

 

During the last 2 month NC he came back told me he couldn't stop thinking about me , he sat at home thinking about us together what it would be like having sex. He also thought of me in general, what was I doing, he said not talking was horrible. I'm pretty sure he was up for regular sex, and this would not have stopped up to the vows and after, but anyway I came to my senses and finally told him never to contact me again, unless he's single.

 

its now been a few days out, but I wonder if he will stick to it, and if i'm doing the right thing by letting him marry her, her marry him. I think eventually he will forget about me and realise he was in the fog and perhaps they can have a happy marriage. I think he loves her, know he doesn't love me because all he can muster is I care about you, I am fond of you when he starts on his feelings.

 

Is there any woman here who would prefer not to know, honestly?

[affairaddict]

My name is misleading, I am not an affair addict, this is my only one I have been involved in, and I was addicted to THIS affair.

[affairaddict]

They went out when they were young ten years ago, split up, went out with other people then got back together five years ago, had a son, hes 4, they split up again in that five years, he took the kid frm the house, left, do not know why, never asked. anyway they are engaged and I guess must be in love to keep going back to each other.

 

This combined with their child and the hurt it will cause makes me 80 percent certain I will never tell.

[Realist3]

I think it is wrong to enter into a marriage under false pretenses, and in this case that is exactly what he is doing. If he loves you so much, wants to have sex with you, etc., why is he not marrying you?

 

I think you should tell her.

 

Realize that that this may have some unforeseen ramifications for you.

[affairaddict]

He never told me he loves me, so I believe he does not. I believe there is something lacking in his relationship for an EA to happen yes.

 

If I tell her I will look bitter. And I am certainly not bitter. There's no other way anyone else will look at it ..

[BetrayedH]

She deseves to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. Giving her that information is within your power and clearly the right thing to do. But it requires you to be selfless and to find courage. She's been lied to and manipulated and is engaged to marry him. You can do something about it or walk away. But don't pretend that walking away is doing her a favor; that's just protecting you and him.

[affairaddict]

Is it right though to a woman who's planning her wedding? To break her heart. I can't put someone through that pain.

 

Lots of experts say if you are done with the affair for good don't tell. He wants the marriage clearly.

[Minnie09]

His primary R doesn't sound healthy or stable. They keep hurting each other, running back to each other, separating, moving in, moving out.....despite the child.....which tells me that they're not 100% mature, reliable parents.....a little bit on the drama side. Even without a child involved it would look immature to me (unless they're under 25).....with a child involved they just seem irresponsible. You add to the drama without which he would be bored it seems. He keeps chasing you lightly....but not too much.....ego feed...he needs the feeling of you chasing him actually, which will only work for him if he chases less than you, OR if he feels like he chases you less.........been there done that....those guys are insecure and needy and they'll break your heart because they don't care about you....they just SAY they do........he'll then marry her......get D......chase you more because you're there. End of story. You're signing up for drama and being pushed around. Good luck. Are you a drama queen? Do you thrive on drama? Can you look at him and his relationship and NOT see the RED flags?

 

draw conclusions...they are right in front of your lovely nose.

[Bittersweetie]

She deseves to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. Giving her that information is within your power and clearly the right thing to do. But it requires you to be selfless and to find courage. She's been lied to and manipulated and is engaged to marry him. You can do something about it or walk away. But don't pretend that walking away is doing her a favor; that's just protecting you and him.

 

Agree with this. Think about yourself...wouldn't you want to know that your fiance is capable of these actions BEFORE you married him? She is not entering this marriage/commitment/partnership with all the information available about her man and her relationship.

[Minnie09]

And why would you want to tell her? Do you know her? Care about her? Do you want to punish him? Yes I get the informed decision yadayada talk. But in this case, look at them, she still wants to m him despite the whole drama thing going on. She won't change her mind. You can tell her what you want. She'll take it to him and then they have something in common....an enemy. You'll be the glue they need to keep their R going for another 6 months and then he's moving out again.......naaaaah not worth it.......keep it to yourself if you're done.

They're in a dysfunctional R. They can't appreciate straightforward talk. Keep it to yourself. You'll be but the victim of all this.

[affairaddict]

He's 29 she's 25. I don't think 2 break ups is that much in that time, really. He does not strike me as dramatic either.

 

I have ended this affair permanently. I see it for what it was a dead end.

Yeah I think he's insecure and needs validation make you right.

[BetrayedH]

Is it right though to a woman who's planning her wedding? To break her heart. I can't put someone through that pain.

 

Lots of experts say if you are done with the affair for good don't tell. He wants the marriage clearly.

 

It would be more painful for her to go through more years of lies and a sham of a marriage than to know the truth BEFORE she marries. These are precious years of her life that she will never be able to get back.

 

I couldn't care less what "experts" may say. This doesn't require a lot of mental gymnastics. You can side with being honest or continue to support lies and deception. If you want to know what actual BSs think, it's that they want the respect of being told the truth, even when it's painful. We're not five year olds that need to be coddled and most certainly not by people that think that they know what is best for us when they are actually the ones stabbing us in the back.

 

I don't mean to be unkind. I'm just trying to illustrate that continuing to lie is just taking you further down the road that got you here in the first place. There is another way. You can live a more honest and authentic life and that will help restore your self-image, self-worth, and self-esteem.

[affairaddict]

Yeah not telling her . I hurt enough from this bull**** . She suspected didn't like him talking to me. I mean he was tweeting me all day I actually asked him if he was mad (this was very early on. )

 

How can she not see something is wrong surely the men don't go home at night and be normal after talking to someone ALL day?

 

He should come clean with her. Like you say ill get the blame.

[affairaddict]

I'm torn. I can't win. I'm bad either way - just look at the opinions on this thread. I thought about cleansing my soul starting again severe that connection for good no going back then for certain.

 

But I will be hated by both and everyone else. That's what ALWaYS happens to the other woman always. I left with dignity we didn't have sex. What's the point in creating drama now?

[BetrayedH]

I'm torn. I can't win. I'm bad either way - just look at the opinions on this thread. I thought about cleansing my soul starting again severe that connection for good no going back then for certain.

 

But I will be hated by both and everyone else. That's what ALWaYS happens to the other woman always. I left with dignity we didn't have sex. What's the point in creating drama now?

 

Are you trying to win something? I agree that you can't win. You made a conscious choice to get involved with a married man. No one forced you to do that. You screwed up. I don't believe it needs to define you for life but it may continue to haunt you the longer you make bad choices. And washing your hands of this IS another bad choice because it is a selfish one. All you are talkig about is how YOU will be perceived. How about we give thoughts of you a break for a while and focus on the person that is actually a victim in this scenario, his betrayed fiance?

 

Again, I don't mean to be unkind but I truly think you need to shift your perception of all of this. You're not really the victim. And you can start looking at her as the real victim and you can do something about it.

[BetrayedH]

Yeah not telling her . I hurt enough from this bull**** . She suspected didn't like him talking to me. I mean he was tweeting me all day I actually asked him if he was mad (this was very early on. )

 

How can she not see something is wrong surely the men don't go home at night and be normal after talking to someone ALL day?

 

He should come clean with her. Like you say ill get the blame.

 

Don't hide behind the usual and lame, "she must know" excuse. She trusts him or she wouldn't be engaged to him. She thinks he is the one person in life who wouldn't do that to her. It is easy to pull off a lie with those that trust you.

 

And yes, he "should" come clean with her but it's pretty obvious that he won't. But this thread is about what YOU should do. You can help her avoid a tragic mistake or you can walk away with your "dignity intact."

[affairaddict]

Maybe I'm a coward it's not about winning. I've suffered enough. It's very easy for you to be bias from your perspective.. He's known her for ten years and he's not ever going to come clean how can I do it?

 

I don't also feel my self esteem will improve by revealing all. It will worsen!! My self esteem had approved already by cutting him off.

[Snowflower]

Okay I'm going to go out on a limb here, Affairaddict and believe that you really know what the right thing to do is here and that is to tell her.

 

You know this is the right thing to do and right now, you are just looking for excuses not to do so. That is perfectly normal. It would be very difficult to do this.

 

She is 25 years old! She hasn't married him yet. She still has time to find someone else.

 

Please don't hide behind the excuses of, "well the experts say not to tell if it is over." F-them. I would like to see how they would react if their SO was cheating on them. And please don't use the cover of, "everyone will hate me." Somehow, I don't think that will be true.

 

"People" (whoever they are) will despise you more if you were to continue this behavior with the guy. If you stand up for yourself in a sense and say to her, "hey, you won't like me for this but you need to know xyz," well that takes guts and strength. People admire that. Yes, some will speak bad of you but many others will admire your willingness to do the right thing.

 

Food for thought!

[Betterthanthis13]

At the very least, make a new email address on gmail or another free service. Contact her and let her know that you are extremely sorry, tht you have been having an affair with her fiancé and that she should know. I she wants any more details she can contact you at that email address and you will answer any questions she has honestly and provide proof. You can take your identity out of it, do the right thing, and minimize the drama. You can check this new email address when you aren't working, and this way your phone and personal information are kept private so there is no drama.

 

Of course, xAP will probably try to contact you to make drama and try to make you stop. I would encourage you to change your real phone number, email address and disable Facebook and other social networking sites before contacting her.

 

If she doesn't want to know, she doesn't have to contact you for details. And you attempted to do the right thing so you can move on.

[affairaddict]

No one will admire me not one person. It's a bitter thing to do. I don't know anyone who has 100 percent done this all for the sake of a woman they have never met for compassion. Where can I find that? I don't even know if I can find any. I'm ten years older btw.

 

I have breast cancer too. It was Quite serious. This is one of the reasons he came back after two months during my diagnosis. Wanted to know I was ok.

Anyway I'm still ongoing treatment. I think if I told there could be very bad repercussions to my life/health. I'm scared. I left for a better life for myself. Told him I want happiness and he can't be part of that.

 

I don't think he's a bad person. I think he got a bit lost and needed emotional bonding and to be noticed again. He's been very kind to me and listened to my worries and fears when I hit rock bottom.

I think he loves her and will realise it was a mistake once we have a decent period of NC. I wish them no bad feeling

[Snowflower]

No one will admire me not one person. It's a bitter thing to do. I don't know anyone who has 100 percent done this all for the sake of a woman they have never met for compassion. Where can I find that? I don't even know if I can find any. I'm ten years older btw.

 

It isn't just for her sake but for your own as well

I have breast cancer too. It was Quite serious. This is one of the reasons he came back after two months during my diagnosis. Wanted to know I was ok.

Anyway I'm still ongoing treatment. I think if I told there could be very bad repercussions to my life/health. I'm scared. I left for a better life for myself. Told him I want happiness and he can't be part of that.

 

Oh, you are so young to have breast cancer. Then you might understand about how fickle life can be. Why would anyone want to waste years of their precious life like his fiancee will be doing?

 

That is cr!ppy of him to bother you while you were undergoing treatment but yet had nothing to offer you.

 

Again, I think you want to do the right thing here but you are scared which is understandable.

[BetrayedH]

Maybe I'm a coward it's not about winning. I've suffered enough. It's very easy for you to be bias from your perspective.. He's known her for ten years and he's not ever going to come clean how can I do it?

 

I don't also feel my self esteem will improve by revealing all. It will worsen!! My self esteem had approved already by cutting him off.

 

Many of the worst mistakes in life are borne of good intentions but a lack of courage.

 

I don't mean to make light of your own pain. I have more empathy with OW than has come across in my posts. But I stand behind the statement that making decisions of which you can be proud is what is going to make you proud of yourself. When you do the right thing time and time again, you will have a lot to be proud of. And many times doing the right thing is incredibly difficult. It does require a sacrifice from you for the betterment of someone else. You've made it clear that he will never come clean. So the ethical choice is left to you. It may involve more drama for you but once you have given her the truth, that's when it's time to start focusing on your own healing. You have made one atep in the right direction by going no contact with him. Can you find the courage to take another step in the right direction and come clean with her? No one knows how it will turn out but one sure thing is that you will have done your best to do right by her when you previously hadn't. I'm certainly not convinced that hiding from your mistakes is going to do anything for your self-esteem.

 

You don't need to make a decision today. Keep thinking about it and my hope is that your conscience will lead you in the right direction. If you keep compartmentalizing it, it will stay with you. I'd rather that you truly take steps to leave with your dignity intact by saying that you made mistakes but did your best to correct them.

[BetrayedH]

Look for threads by, Learned A Lesson. She's a great example of an OW who came clean and it went well. If I can find the exact thread, I'll come back and link it for you. She found the courage and I think the whole experience helped her immensely. She's become a great poster here.

[affairaddict]

It was crappy in a way yes. Selfish . But also if you care for somebody would you not want to reach out to them too?

 

I will consider it- if nothing else than a cleanse, and I will do some soul searching, but at the moment I'm afraid my life and happiness comes first, and it's about time I had some.

 

I would like to add as a final note- I cannot be certain he will never tell her that was a presumption. He may tell her, do we ever really know anyone?

[Praying4Peace]

If I thought she'd end up not marrying him and not waste her time on this loser, I'd tell...but she's marry him anyway. He will blame you and call you bitter. Yes, she'll know about the Affair...but she won't KNOW ABOUT THE AFFAIR. Just his version. Ransacked with lies.

 

If you could get her the true story/picture, that's different. In this case she's just going to find out a bunch of confusing bullcrap and not the truth.

 

He will blame you, he'll say you are breaking up his marriage and you are jealous. He'll say you were about to tell, so that's why he didn't break up with you (Duress). He'll say he wanted to leave you after his BIG MISTAKE and was scared she wouldn't take him back so he kept talking to you to calm you down.

 

This story is told a thousand times on infidelity message boards and honestly, it's a bunch of crap. If you want to keep someone quiet, you can talk them down off the ledge. You can start being kind of a jerk and 'turn them off'...but romancing and sexing and texting all day because you want to keep them quiet? Like seriously? People believe this?

 

I agree she has a right to know, but what BS's dont understand is how hurtful and demeaning it is to be an OW. When this topic comes up, it suddenly shifts to "But you knew. But it was your fault. You aren't a victim." None of these things has anything to do with hurt. Smash a bottle against your own head and then have the doctors say you don't need stitches because you brought it on yourself.

 

So yeah, take care of yourself. Everyone else is looking out for themselves, you should too. He has a duty to tell her. She'll figure it out at some point.

 

Until then, you don't need to be the Bad Guy. I wish that it wasn't so typical for women to mistrust/dog each other and compete. But that's why OW's don't tell. Not worth it to get crapped on.

 

ps- tell him if he texts you again while engaged, you will be telling her and showing her your message warning him to stop. Then it'll be clear he was after you.