Finalizing in 1 month....long journey.

[RonaldS]

I used to post as Barnacle-Bob, so some of you might remember my story.

 

Anyway, almost exactly 3 years after separating from my wife, we will be finalizing our divorce. It's a reality I've been preparing for for a long time, but the weight of it is beginning to push down on me. You would think it would be a relief. I mean, we don't talk anymore, except via text and email (my edict, as every time we would begin to have a simple conversation about a simple matter, it would end two hours later with things being dug up from 13 years ago). We don't have a friendship or a relationship. We are partners in raising kids, and that's it. I don't care what she does with her life, or who she does it with. I wish her the best and hope she can find happiness. Life goes on, nobody died, blah blah blah.

 

But still, a vague depression is settling over me. I don't know exactly what I'm depressed about. She was not a participant in the relationship, so what did I lose? I think more than anything I just find myself at almost 40 years of age, and I spent so much time focusing on another person that 14 years of my life just sort of disappeared. Other than having 3 kids, I feel like I don't have anything to show for that time. I didn't accomplish anything in that time. I know, I know....it's not too late, it's a new life and a second chance, etc. Of course. I do know that. Intellectually I know that. But emotionally, it seems like such a melancholy ending to not just a life, but an identity.

 

I'm not whining. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It just seems so weird, sad and empty to put everything into something only to end it by signing papers in a courtroom. And to be honest, I'm afraid of who I'm becoming. I feel like I will never again be the person I used to be. A part of me has died. I was never naive, but I was always open and hopeful.

 

Anyway, in one month, it will be goodbye for good and that will be that.

[M30USA]

I guess the only advice I have is that the divorce finality is only a piece of paper. The relationship is what it is, good or bad. Same thing with your life. It is what it is, good or bad. Focus on your life and not the piece of paper.

Edited July 24, 2013 by M30USA

[RonaldS]

I guess the only advice I have is that the divorce finality is only a piece of paper. The relationship is what it is, good or bad. Same thing with your life. It is what it is, good or bad. Focus on your life and not the piece of paper.

 

I hear you. But the finality of the divorce is the finality of a life. I've lost a ton of friends and family over this ending. I've lost my desire to give myself. For better or worse, regardless of the details of how bad the relationship was or who did and didn't do what and all of the dust that clouds a relationship that falls apart, she was my best friend. It's highly doubtful that I would ever let somebody get that close to me again. And now we just sign some papers and that's it.

 

So antiseptic.

[M30USA]

I hear you. But the finality of the divorce is the finality of a life. I've lost a ton of friends and family over this ending. I've lost my desire to give myself. For better or worse, regardless of the details of how bad the relationship was or who did and didn't do what and all of the dust that clouds a relationship that falls apart, she was my best friend. It's highly doubtful that I would ever let somebody get that close to me again. And now we just sign some papers and that's it.

 

So antiseptic.

 

Not even so. The relationship is what ended. The paper is just a legal document secondary to what is taking place already.

 

If, for some freak reason, your relationship gets restored with this woman, then the piece of paper means nothing. It never did mean anything but I'm just using this as an example.

[Snowflower]

I remember your story under the other user name. I wish you healing and peace with all this.

 

FWIW, many people feel as you do in the final stages of the divorce process. It's like the reality has set in.

[RonaldS]

Not even so. The relationship is what ended. The paper is just a legal document secondary to what is taking place already.

 

If, for some freak reason, your relationship gets restored with this woman, then the piece of paper means nothing. It never did mean anything but I'm just using this as an example.

 

You're right. The legality is just paper. But things have symbolic meaning, and signing the papers signifies the end of so many things that will never come back. To me it's just a strange, sad and empty feeling to have so many things forever gone from my life but still right there. The friends, the family...they're gone. My brother-in-law was my brother. He's not even a scant part of my life anymore. Those friends, some of whom have been a huge part of my life for well over a decade...just gone.

[M30USA]

You're right. The legality is just paper. But things have symbolic meaning, and signing the papers signifies the end of so many things that will never come back. To me it's just a strange, sad and empty feeling to have so many things forever gone from my life but still right there. The friends, the family...they're gone. My brother-in-law was my brother. He's not even a scant part of my life anymore. Those friends, some of whom have been a huge part of my life for well over a decade...just gone.

 

Yea it does suck. I guess the best and only thing to do is embrace your past. Nothing is ever a waste. Even if you don't see those people ever again. Not to sound morbid but ultimately we all die so there will be an end to all marriages anyway. Some just sadly end before we sign out.

[Misfortune]

I used to post as Barnacle-Bob, so some of you might remember my story.

 

Anyway, almost exactly 3 years after separating from my wife, we will be finalizing our divorce. It's a reality I've been preparing for for a long time, but the weight of it is beginning to push down on me. You would think it would be a relief. I mean, we don't talk anymore, except via text and email (my edict, as every time we would begin to have a simple conversation about a simple matter, it would end two hours later with things being dug up from 13 years ago). We don't have a friendship or a relationship. We are partners in raising kids, and that's it. I don't care what she does with her life, or who she does it with. I wish her the best and hope she can find happiness. Life goes on, nobody died, blah blah blah.

 

But still, a vague depression is settling over me. I don't know exactly what I'm depressed about. She was not a participant in the relationship, so what did I lose? I think more than anything I just find myself at almost 40 years of age, and I spent so much time focusing on another person that 14 years of my life just sort of disappeared. Other than having 3 kids, I feel like I don't have anything to show for that time. I didn't accomplish anything in that time. I know, I know....it's not too late, it's a new life and a second chance, etc. Of course. I do know that. Intellectually I know that. But emotionally, it seems like such a melancholy ending to not just a life, but an identity.

 

I'm not whining. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It just seems so weird, sad and empty to put everything into something only to end it by signing papers in a courtroom. And to be honest, I'm afraid of who I'm becoming. I feel like I will never again be the person I used to be. A part of me has died. I was never naive, but I was always open and hopeful.

 

Anyway, in one month, it will be goodbye for good and that will be that.

 

I'm feeling the exact same way right now. I'm young (23) but I took my relationship/marriage seriously and gave it all the respect it deserved. I'm just at this place where reality is really setting in. I feel sad but at the same time, I don't know how I feel. I feel like I'm going to breakdown but nothing's happening. I'm just calm.

[RonaldS]

The thing I have noticed in regards to the feelings I have now versus those as different point in this journey is that they have far less acuity and the duration is shorter, not as leveling and I guess crushing.

 

Now, it's a lot like watching your favorite team lose a big game. The realization that the game is ending and your team is going to lose sinks in while they're still playing, and then the game ends and you start looking back at different points in the game and thinking, 'Well, if this play had happened differently, or they hasn't turned the ball over there, or whatever, the outcome would have been different', but you still know the game is over and it doesn't matter anymore, and there's another game next week so 'Oh well', and then you very quickly get back to your normal life.

 

It's weird. It was me that instigated the end of the marriage. It was me that couldn't do it anymore, accept it anymore, who tried to hold it together and fix it but then realized it was completely one-sided and by letting go of it, I wasn't losing much of a relationship. So, I wanted out. But because it dragged on for years post-separation, there were so many times where I went back and thought I wanted to fix it and work it out. By having those points, I think I very much experienced the feelings of a person who's spouse left them. The crushing loss, the loneliness, the feeling of rejection, inadequacy....really everything.

 

There were many, many really dark times for me.

 

I guess the message is for those just starting this process. Obviously, things get better. As bad and lost and lonely as you probably feel early on, it does get better. There's a lot of life to live. It's a matter of accepting a fate that you might have only a small amount of control over, if any. The severity, the intensity of those feelings....it wanes. Instead of leveling you for days or weeks, it just brings you down vaguely, temporarily.

 

All that being said, it's amazing to me that another person can have such a profound impact on me. We haven't had a relationship in 3 years!

[Yasuandio]

One way to look at it, is, it happens to everyone, your not alone. And the good thing (applying wisdom, that is), is that you are still a young dude! We live long enough these days to have two very serious relationships, don't we? Try to look at it like that BB.

[RonaldS]

One way to look at it, is, it happens to everyone, your not alone. And the good thing (applying wisdom, that is), is that you are still a young dude! We live long enough these days to have two very serious relationships, don't we? Try to look at it like that BB.

 

For sure. And since I'm not a relationship guy and it's doubtful I would ever lock into another one, I will live long enough to do whatever I want until I can't do it anymore.

 

One thing is for sure, and I would like to stress this to a lot of people who are stuck in no-win relationships but afraid to make a move: for as many dark times as I've had in this process, for as much as I've lost, for as much as I've missed her from time to time, for as challenging as life can be these days, logistically speaking.....

 

I would NEVER go back to it. Never.

 

Life is so much better now. Sure, there are those moments such as that which brought about this thread that hurt and suck, but they tend to be fleeting. When you work on yourself, for yourself, life gets good.

[RonaldS]

Here's where this stuff gets wonky:

 

I don't talk to my ex anymore except via text and email. I know that bugs her, but I just get tired of having a conversations about putting our daughter into gymnastics class or what day our son's kindergarten orientation is ending 2 hours later with us talking about crap that happened in 2001. It's annoying on two levels....1) it doesn't matter, and 2) she tries all that 180 stuff all the time, but it's so obvious it's an act, because as soon as the dam opens just a little bit, it all starts pouring out of her. So, I just made the executive decision to take the approach of 'I hope you have a good life', which entails not getting caught up in anything that she's doing or trying to fix anything.

 

I digress...

 

Yesterday, we had an event for our daughter which I went back there to attend. Of course, still staying with them, but I don't hang out there much. This event was on her home turf, so it was her parents and some of her friends, most of whom don't like me. But whatever. If ignorant people don't like me, I don't view it as the end of the world. It is sort of funny that people make sh**ty comments on FB etc always insist on being so nice and friendly in real life. One of her friends has said some total crap about me came up and said 'hi'. I just sort of looked at her like, 'mmm, ok'. Seriously....have the courage to be an a-hole in real life. If you're bad enough to make sh**ty comments on FB or to mutual friends, then you should be bad enough to be that way face-to-face. Now, I'm not saying to cause a scene at an event....I'm just saying, don't pretend and be fake. I know you don't like me, so don't come over and try to be buddy-buddy.

 

But the real reason it's weird is because of all of the doubt that creeps in. It's SO weird. I don't miss this woman. I don't regret the relationship ending. I don't wish to share a life with her. And yet, the whole time, we're stealing glances at each other. We didn't talk to each other, but it was just obvious. And I took some pics of my daughter, and my ex was in a few of them, and I was looking at them last night and I was like, 'My God....she is so beautiful'. After all these years, she can still turn me into mush. She doesn't know it, because I am very good at ignoring her and I have a tremendous poker face. But it's just amazing that despite everything, she can still melt me.

 

I find myself after days like yesterday having to remind myself how bad our relationship was. I could feel myself being pulled into her. She had me holding her jacket (it was outside and it was cold/rainy), and when she and my daughter had finished their thing, she was standing there obviously cold. I started to go over to her and put her jacket on her (which is what I would have done when we were together...always making sure she was happy and comfortable). I could feel myself starting to do that, and she was looking at me like she was waiting for me to do that. But instead, I just handed it to her and didn't really acknowledge her.

 

*sigh*

 

Anyway, just ranting. This thing is lying there dying, breathing it's last few shallow, feeble breaths. It's just very weird to watch something that could have so much life lying there dying.

[Mr. Lucky]

You have to realize it's a process, not just figuratively but in the literal sense. And that means there are specific steps you have to go through, hurdles you have to overcome to get to a better place. No pain, no gain - the reward is worth it but, as you're finding out, it's earned in small, difficult and occasionally heart-wrenching increments.

 

Were I you, I'd be more open to another relationship. You'd be amazed at how a focus on the present can distance us from the past...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RonaldS]

You have to realize it's a process, not just figuratively but in the literal sense. And that means there are specific steps you have to go through, hurdles you have to overcome to get to a better place. No pain, no gain - the reward is worth it but, as you're finding out, it's earned in small, difficult and occasionally heart-wrenching increments.

 

Were I you, I'd be more open to another relationship. You'd be amazed at how a focus on the present can distance us from the past...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I never had a strong desire to be in a relationship before her, and have even less of a desire to be in one now. The last thing I want to do is have to spend my time having to think about somebody else's feelings, mesh with somebody else's schedule, live up to somebody else's expectations, etc etc. Most people have strong companionship/relationship proclivities....I'm not one of them.

 

My needs are taken care of, and I have moved past her. I mean, she's been in a relationship for almost a year, and while that bothered me at first, I couldn't really care less anymore. Life goes on, and nobody died. And I completely understand that it's a process, and I feel like I have moved through it well....or as well as can be expected.

 

Here's the proof: I wouldn't trade my current life for the life I had with her for all of the money I could ever want.

 

All that being said, sometimes there's just a person who has it over you. I meet women constantly. Many of them beautiful, fun, intelligent and accomplished. But it's sorta 'meh'. Maybe I just don't care anymore. That's a hard thing to replicate...that feeling a certain person can give you.

 

But I really have no desire or intention of getting into another relationship. Not because I'm hurt or because of some misguided idolatry of my ex. I just don't like being in a relationship. They don't do a whole lot for me.

[Minnie09]

Yeahhhh I can so relate with not wanting a relationship. I've been single for a while now and while I miss a good amount of male attention, I cannot figure out who I could possibly be interested in. Not attracted to anybody. The only thing that did work in my M was the mutual attraction / sex thing, and the love at first sight / being immediately smitten, and it went both ways. That hasn't happened since my D, and while I do not - just like OP - want my ex back to save my life, I do miss those sparks / fireworks / goosebumps. Big time! I hope he does too, but I'm sure he never thinks about it anymore. Boo. Anyways......that stage was short-lived anyways......whirlwind honeymoon only-eyes-for-each-other.....then bang - R dead. M dead. Divorce. Single parenting. I'm not made for a R either, especially if I have to live with somebody. And if Cupid hits me like he did with my ex, I'll probably be double triple suspicious. Something's gotta be wrong if I fall for that again.

 

Have your tried OLD? Just for the fun of it? To see if there's anything happening? I have. No sparks. I'm done with OLD. That's the end of me and relationships. Not interested. When do these people have time to date anyways? FT job......kids.......house......tight schedules.....bills.......naaaaah

 

I'm busy and happy. I mean.....happy enough.

[RonaldS]

Yeahhhh I can so relate with not wanting a relationship. I've been single for a while now and while I miss a good amount of male attention, I cannot figure out who I could possibly be interested in. Not attracted to anybody. The only thing that did work in my M was the mutual attraction / sex thing, and the love at first sight / being immediately smitten, and it went both ways. That hasn't happened since my D, and while I do not - just like OP - want my ex back to save my life, I do miss those sparks / fireworks / goosebumps. Big time! I hope he does too, but I'm sure he never thinks about it anymore. Boo. Anyways......that stage was short-lived anyways......whirlwind honeymoon only-eyes-for-each-other.....then bang - R dead. M dead. Divorce. Single parenting. I'm not made for a R either, especially if I have to live with somebody. And if Cupid hits me like he did with my ex, I'll probably be double triple suspicious. Something's gotta be wrong if I fall for that again.

 

Have your tried OLD? Just for the fun of it? To see if there's anything happening? I have. No sparks. I'm done with OLD. That's the end of me and relationships. Not interested. When do these people have time to date anyways? FT job......kids.......house......tight schedules.....bills.......naaaaah

 

I'm busy and happy. I mean.....happy enough.

Yep, that's how I feel. I don't think I would trust those feelings again if they popped up. I've met God knows how many women in the 3 years we've been separated, and it just always seems sort of mundane.

 

When I look at myself in the future...when I'm 45, or 55, or 70...I just don't see anybody else there. I can't picture a woman. I just see me, and that's fine. I'm fine with that. I've known myself for 39 years and have found myself to be decent company.

 

I've tried OLD a few times, and it's never really worthwhile. I've met a lot of women, but it doesn't feel like a very organic way to meet people. I've met several other women through the normal avenues of meeting people. Same. It's interesting for a short while, and then it just fizzles out. It's strange....I feel like I have a lot to give, and have a lot that women desire. But I have this sort of aloof, defensive feeling where I don't want them to be able to have any of that from me. I don't want somebody to get in there. Again, I'm not looking for a relationship, so I don't want one to start to develop.

 

Now, I'm just wondering how I'll be at the final court appointment. Do I act stoic, or like I don't care? Pull all that 180 stuff out and just act happy? Or do I be an honest, vulnerable person and let myself show how sad I'm sure I will be? My ex, now that I'm very familiar with the 180 approach, has been using that the whole time. But I also know it's an act from her. Will we acknowledge that we loved each other and are sad and hurt that it didn't work? Or do I just pretend I'm fine with it? I can do that. I can go through something like that without even changing expressions.

[Yasuandio]

I'm proud of you for admitting how you'll feel at the final hearing. But I'd wish for you to remain business-like. When you reflect on it later on, you will have a good mature confident feeling (rather than a crybaby reaction in public). Then, also, there is that expression, "don't let them see you sweat." but - ya know, this is the desolution of a business contract - plain and simple, when it comes down to brass tacks. And it has been 3 years. So -- That is why I say scrap the santamonious stuff if you possibly can. Pop a xanex - do whatever you gotta do - just don't get all misty. Now, that is just my opinion. Yas

Edited July 30, 2013 by Yasuandio

[RonaldS]

I'm proud of you for admitting how you'll feel at the final hearing. But I'd wish for you to remain business-like. When you reflect on it later on, you will have a good mature confident feeling (rather than a crybaby reaction in public). Then, also, there is that expression, "don't let them see you sweat." but - ya know, this is the desolution of a business contract - plain and simple, when it comes down to brass tacks. And it has been 3 years. So -- That is why I say scrap the santamonious stuff if you possibly can. Pop a xanex - do whatever you gotta do - just don't get all misty. Now, that is just my opinion. Yas

 

Yas, I totally hear you. And I'm prepared to do that. I can be super hardcore, sans Xanex. But then I wonder what that proves. I know it will hurt her a lot, and I know she'll probably fall apart. And if she doesn't fall apart in the courtroom, she'll fall apart in the parking lot. Is my goal to make her hurt worse?

 

I'm not trying to look for hope or anything like that. I'm not trying to build meaning into anything. I am just recognizing that, as this finalizes, a 14 year journey with a person who has gotten into my heart when no other person has been able to, has come to an end. I don't know what it proves to act like it didn't happen. There are a thousand reasons we're divorcing, but none of them are because we didn't love each other. There was no 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. There was just a relationship that was in many regards a house if cards, and it toppled. Everybody got hurt here.

 

The way she always looks at me, I don't know. I want her to have a good life and be happy. We have such a weird relationship. You know, we still spend an inordinate amount of time together under the same roof. We have these weird moments. A few months ago, we were talking and we ended up hugging each other. We hadn't hugged in almost 2 years. She latched onto me like I was a life raft and she was bobbing around in a shark-infested sea. We hugged for almost 2 minutes.

 

The point is, why can't people just be honest about this stuff. She's the only girl I've ever loved, and will probably be the only girl I ever do love, at least on that level. It seems that there should be some recognition of that. 14 years, 3 kids....that means something. Make no mistake...I'm happy with my life. There's WAY more good/great than bad. I live in a great city, I have tons of opportunities for tons of things, I'm relatively young, I'm healthy, in great shape, I meet women all the time, etc. Its not like I'm in a pit of despair.

 

I guess I don't understand the point of hurting her further. To come out on top? To win? To win what? And she can show up and try to act like she's happy with this outcome and be stoic, but I will know it's an act. So what's the point?

[Yasuandio]

I posed that possible position because you seemed undecided of how you might to present yourself at the Final Hearing, that's all. it is only one person's idea.

 

Well man, if u believe being business-like about a business matter is going to hurt her, then by all means, boo-hoo till the cows come home. Make it a heart-wrenching scene fit for a Life Time Afternoon TV Drama. Then come back to LS and tell us about it. Be Totally real, this may be closure of a sort

 

Good luck, I hope it all goes well for you, really I do. Yas

[Mr. Lucky]

It seems that there should be some recognition of that. 14 years, 3 kids....that means something.

After reading your posts over an extended period of time and 2 usernames, I still don't understand the answer to this basic question:

 

What do you want ???

 

Not in a hypothetical "what if" sense but given the realities of the steps you and your STBXW have consciously taken, what do you want for your life going forward?

 

For someone who left their marriage, you seem to spend an awful lot of time and emotional energy looking back. Just my view as an outsider. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RonaldS]

I posed that possible position because you seemed undecided of how you might to present yourself at the Final Hearing, that's all. it is only one person's idea.

 

Well man, if u believe being business-like about a business matter is going to hurt her, then by all means, boo-hoo till the cows come home. Make it a heart-wrenching scene fit for a Life Time Afternoon TV Drama. Then come back to LS and tell us about it. Be Totally real, this may be closure of a sort

 

Good luck, I hope it all goes well for you, really I do. Yas

 

To be fair, my post wasn't directed just at what you said. I see that all the time on LS: the whole 180 concept is widely promulgated here. My question is simply, what good does it do? Anybody with a shred of awareness sees that it's just a game. My ex tried that crap all the time during our separation. The problem was that I know her probably better than anybody on Earth, and it's not convincing. You know somebody to be a certain way, and then all of a sudden they're the opposite and they're fine and dandy, even though their whole world just got turned upside down? I mean, who really buys that?

 

As for the business aspect of it. Yes, it's a dissolution of a contract, but it's hardly business. I own a business and have been a part of numerous business deals...none of them ever made me emotional. This WILL hurt. I know it.

 

Part of me wants to walk into the courtroom and be business-like, sign the papers, and walk out without even acknowledging her. Because part of me does want to...well, I don't want to hurt her, but I feel like I want her to suffer a little bit for not trying. But I know that it's not an expression of my true feelings, and I'm not going to feel 'better' because I somehow got the better of her.

 

Yas, this isn't directed at you. It's more that your comment served as the catalyst for things I've been thinking about a lot that I see being discussed on LS all the time. This whole notion of saving face. I don't know. I don't know what it truly accomplishes.

 

As for me, who knows what will happen in the courtroom. I suspect that maybe before we finalize, or after, we'll go out and get coffee and talk, and I won't play games and I will just be real.

[RonaldS]

After reading your posts over an extended period of time and 2 usernames, I still don't understand the answer to this basic question:

 

What do you want ???

 

Not in a hypothetical "what if" sense but given the realities of the steps you and your STBXW have consciously taken, what do you want for your life going forward?

 

For someone who left their marriage, you seem to spend an awful lot of time and emotional energy looking back. Just my view as an outsider. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

It's simple.....truth and honesty.

 

As we close this, I would like honesty. I would like her to be real. I will be real with her. If two people can make a promise to spend their lives together, and have kids together....then they can take a half an hour after it ends and just be real with each other. It would be nice to think the last 14 years weren't a total waste, but with all of the hiding and game playing, that ends up being the conclusion, absent the truth about how somebody truly feels. All of this saving face and game playing...it's stupid. People want to end a marriage like they're ending a 1 week boyfriend/girlfriend trist in 7th grade.

 

My ex...she can just be real. She needs to quit acting like this doesn't bother her and that she's moved on and is happy. Just be real. If she was truly happy and unaffected, she wouldn't start crying when certain things come up, or she wouldn't be so angry and mad.

 

Nobody heals by pretending. It's fools gold. Let closure happen honestly.

 

I gave up on the marriage. She gave up on the marriage. Was it for the best ultimately? Probably. But I loved her, she loved me, and we're stuck dealing with each other daily for the next 15 years. I don't want to play games, but I feel like if she's going to play them, then my tactical counter-move is to play them back and play them better. But what does that accomplish? NOTHING. Doesn't accomplish a single thing.

 

Should I take your advice and go start another relationship? It's not the ultimate life goal for every person to be in a relationship. I'm not going to mess around with somebody else's feelings by getting involved with them....I have nothing to give. Plus, I'm not that easily entertained.

Edited July 30, 2013 by RonaldS

[Mr. Lucky]

I have nothing to give. Plus, I'm not that easily entertained.

OK, so to sum it up:

 

- You can't be with her

 

- You have nothing to give anyone else

 

Doesn't sound like a recipe for a fulfilling life going forward. And you seem somewhat determined to play the role of tragic hero, as you've done for the last 3 years and, given the fact that you stay at her place on a regular basis, will probably do going forward.

 

Not what I'd want but these are your choices to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RonaldS]

OK, so to sum it up:

 

- You can't be with her

 

- You have nothing to give anyone else

 

Doesn't sound like a recipe for a fulfilling life going forward. And you seem somewhat determined to play the role of tragic hero, as you've done for the last 3 years and, given the fact that you stay at her place on a regular basis, will probably do going forward.

 

Not what I'd want but these are your choices to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

Let me clarify...

 

I can't be with her. Nor do I want to be. If I did, we would still be married. I did try last summer to fix it, and put everything I could into it, but that was largely a symbolic and cathartic exercise. I didn't want it to end without at least trying.

 

It's not that I have nothing to give anybody. I have a ton to offer. Judging by the reactions I get from women, and the things they say and the sometimes ridiculous lengths they go to for me, I would argue that I have a lot more to give than 90% of the men out there. The thing is, I don't really want to give of myself to anybody. People can become very leech-like in a relationship, especially if they end up with a giver, which is what I am. So, I just don't want to give of myself. And if some girl goes and falls in love with me, there's not much chance it will be reciprocated, at least not equitably.

 

But I'm OK being alone. I'm not lonely. There are girls all over the place. There's a HUGE difference between being alone and being lonely.

 

As far as the tragic hero part....I don't know. I make sacrifices and don't ask or demand to be compensated or that other people make those sacrifices for me. But that's my own moral dilemma, and I can only control what I do, so I control what I do.

 

I do stay with her, but that's not even a choice. She lives in another state, and the logistics don't allow for many other options. It just is what it is. Beginning after next summer, I start teaching. From then on, I will have the kids during the summer and breaks, and then some weekends here and there. At that point, I won't stay with her. But until that point, this is the best we can do. I can't afford to but or rent a place where she's at, and staying at a hotel is expensive and not really worth the hassle. I go there, I get the kids, we run around, at night we go home, I put them to bed and then I head out for the evening. It's not like we're really sharing space and a life.

 

At the end of the day, I always hope for things to be done honestly and authentically. That's all. Then people can truly move on (she, too) in a genuine and meaningful way.

[Mr. Lucky]

Judging by the reactions I get from women, and the things they say and the sometimes ridiculous lengths they go to for me, I would argue that I have a lot more to give than 90% of the men out there.

Not questioning your ability to get laid. But fun as that is, most of us eventually want something more complete. Have you thought about this ? - your kids have never seen up close a healthy, long-term relationship. How people act without stress, tension and dissension. How fulfilling it can be for all parties concerned.

Then people can truly move on (she, too) in a genuine and meaningful way.

You can't move her on, or off, or around in circles. Since you're soon to be divorced (and she's in a year + relationship with someone else), it's not your job. But you keep showing up for work even though it seems to me you've been fired...

 

Mr. Lucky