Time is good

[Sooverhim]

Well, I just don't get it. I sit here and say that I know I did wrong but AT THE TIME!!!!! I thought I was finished. If I didn't want to work it out with my W I would be gone. Everybody on her keeps focusing on the fact that the OMW went NC and I am the poor love sick fool pinning for her ever day.

 

I have said so MANY times that when NC happened I was still in a "I Don't Give a $h@#" mode but nobody can understand that because of the NC I was forced to look at my Life my M and it is worth the two of us trying to be what we need to be for each other.

 

My W and I have done more together in the past 3 months than we have in 3 years. We both know there are hills to climb but we are working on it.

 

I Can't turn my memory OFF that is one reason why I come to this board, to see what other people are going through and remind me that it was an escape not a true/battle tested Love.

 

MMY, I understand you completely, and I understand your frustration when you are posting your true feelings and an honest explanation of your situation only to be told by people on a forum that they know you better than you know yourself and that your thoughts and feelings are wrong. Be confident in yourself and your W, be confident in your own feelings, take the advice that makes sense to you, ignore the advice of people who clearly don't "get" you. That's what I'm doing. I'm a lot further out than you - 16 months, but I KNOW I have done things right for my particular situation. There is no "one size fits all" solution to getting over an A, we all have our own best way. You've found yours and I'm really pleased for you and your W that it's all going so well:)

[Sooverhim]

I hope you won't leave but hey, sports radio would be much more fun. Sorry, I at least won't ask you about why you are staying in your marriage again.

 

 

MMY is staying in his M because he loves his W and she loves him and they are committed to making their M work and on staying together, they are working on improving their relationship and everything all seems to be going well .... it is that simple!

[MMY]

SF, I do appreciate peoples input as well as I do yours. Sometimes the words I type don't come out right but like I said before... I'm a guy... I should get some handicap score for that. LOL.

 

I am staying because I do love my W and we both have realized that we have neglected each others needs over the past several years. not all 21 years have been bad by the way. So we are giving it all we got.

[MMY]

SP, Great memory. It went very well, my W and I opened up to a couple who are going through the same type of issues we were/are going through. We were a little reluctant because no one knows about my A but we felt it was worth opening up to this younger couple in hopes that they can learn from us.

 

The couple said they are trying to work things out and I think it was good for my W to listen to me tell the WH my side of the and form the BW to here from my W.

 

After all was said and done it was the opposite, BS had more ? for me and the WS had more ? for my W.

 

Thanks again for asking

[PhoenixRise]

You may be right. but I don't think so... She had more to lose at the time than I did. Her kids are much younger and her H knew/knows nothing about the A. The OW panicked when I called her and told her my W found her purse. Her first words were "I can't lose my kids"

 

As for my W not being my first choice, she was always my first choice and still is. I just didn't think so at the time. We are both working on our M. May sound weird but I am glad things happened the way they did. If not you are right, I might not have ever opened my eyes, my W might have never opened hers. The OW might not be doing what she feels is best for her children.

 

You can't put smoke back into the match once hit has been struck nor can you erase memories of special moments you have shared with someone you cared about but you can always come to the realization of what and who is important in your life and do the best you can to make it the best it can be.

 

Thank you for answering me.

 

I am really glad that you and your wife are doing so much better. I know that an affair (as hurtful and destructive as they are ) can serve as a wake up call.

 

And no. Nobody expects you to erase the memories

 

Nobody wants their spouse to stay with them only because the spouse is the only option left. I am really glad to see you say that is not the case.

 

I wish you and your wife the best in your reconciliation.

[Journee]

SF, I do appreciate peoples input as well as I do yours. Sometimes the words I type don't come out right but like I said before... I'm a guy... I should get some handicap score for that. LOL.

 

I am staying because I do love my W and we both have realized that we have neglected each others needs over the past several years. not all 21 years have been bad by the way. So we are giving it all we got.

 

 

I just want to say that I understand where you are coming from. My H and I separated for non A issues and I thought I was done too. He was still my best friend though yet, I was scared to give it another shot. Long story very short.....after a year of this on/off stuff I fell pregnant. I wanted to make it work but H did not trust me. He thought it was just my pregnancy hormones and I would leave him and break his heart again. He began seeing another woman while I was pregnant. I found out. It devastated us both. More than I think we both realized. It would had been easy for him to blame me or blame the state of things. He never did. It would had been easy for him to continue on as a separated and living single man. It would had been easy for me as well. We already had child care taken care of with our oldest. We were not even living in the same zip code. I may not have had any place to be hurt or surprised. I was hurt anyway. It shook us both to the core how it all could had really just went up in smoke forever. How selfish we both were being and how holding onto resentments and fears were just as damaging as lies. We hurt one another immensely. BUT..here we are. We made our choice. So did you it seems.

 

Ok, so not such a short story lol

 

I think that you are on the right track

[MMY]

Yes the easy way (poor choice of words.. see my guy statement) would have been to quit. In a way we both quit in our own way during the last several years I just took it one or 50 steps too far.

 

We both agreed that we were worth fighting for and I know we would have sold ourselves short if we didn't TRY...

 

I wish the best for you and thanks for your post

[compulsivedancer]

MMY, as a fWW, I have had a lot of issues thinking about my AP. I am fully committed to my husband and our relationship, but that doesn't make the thought processes go away. My struggles with thoughts about the AP were actually what drove me to this website in the first place. I desperately needed to talk to some people that understand about affairs. I also needed some insight about how long I would struggle with memories of AP. (I got some good answers here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/406131-how-long-does-take-stop-thinking-about-ap)

 

But in my first thread, which last time I looked is STILL locked because of all the bad things people called me, I had many many people tell me in no uncertain terms to go to hell and leave my husband for his own good (even though that's not what he wanted). The reality is that most of the people who post on this forum are BSs, many of whom are still newly betrayed. Most of them mean well and just want the best for everyone concerned, and they offer a lot of great advice.

 

However, on this subject, I don't think most of them realize how omnipresent the AP is in our thoughts. I don't think most of them WANT to realize that we probably think about the AP AT LEAST as much as they do, and probably much, much more. That no matter how much we want to move on, the AP is always there in the back of our minds.

 

For me the AP is now like an ex. Of a relationship that ended with a bang, against my intentions (or his). One that I never got any closure from, that hadn't quite run its course (in the sense of ending "naturally"). A break up FILLED with pain and constant reminders from my BH. And the requirement that I reexamine everything he ever said to me, so I have so many unanswered questions - questions that hurt me but I can't have answered because we have been NC since DDay. I can't just call him and see him, like I occasionally did with one of my other exes (pre-H) when I had doubts and questions, or even cyber-stalk him (as I have him blocked from all of my social media).

 

And of course there's the fact that my memories of him are overwhelmingly good. And H wants me to sh**-talk him and think bad thoughts about him. A lot of the advice I got on here about getting over him requires me to think bad thoughts about him, which is equally as painful as thinking good thoughts about him. I did not love him, but I was developing feelings for him, and that makes everything harder.

 

This got a bit rambly, but the long and short of it is, the AP doesn't go away overnight. You WILL think about her. The important part is not to dwell on her. You have to move forward and direct your attention to your wife. At first, the thought of NOT thinking about my AP hurt too, but now I think about him less and less, and when I do think about him, it's part of the background of my day rather than a driving need to see him.

 

I'm glad you didn't break NC. As hard as it, it seems to be one of the MOST important things for the BS. I've heard a lot of helpful stuff about this on LS, and I think the most helpful thing I've heard is that contact is a continuation of the affair. Even if that's not the intent, it keeps the relationship alive. Breaking NC is incredibly hurtful for the BS, and for some of them (including my H), it is a deal breaker for R.

 

Btw, I completely get how you can be in one place at DDay and a completely different place in a relatively short time after. I was there. You have to get your head put back on right after the affair is over, and once you do, a lot of things start to make sense that didn't before.

 

Anyway, sorry for the super-long post. Hope it helps. Don't leave LS. We could benefit from a few more WMs (most of us WSs are WWs).

Edited July 25, 2013 by compulsivedancer

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yes the easy way (poor choice of words.. see my guy statement) would have been to quit. In a way we both quit in our own way during the last several years I just took it one or 50 steps too far.

 

We both agreed that we were worth fighting for and I know we would have sold ourselves short if we didn't TRY...

 

I wish the best for you and thanks for your post

 

Hi MMY

I know in your first posts I was pretty hard on you, and have generally stayed off because I didn't think you were ready to hear what I was trying to say. I see that you are making progress and that is good. I am glad for you.

 

I also think your wife, for whatever reason, has been exceedingly, unusually forgiving of you. Maybe even in denial, or afraid to show her real feelings?

 

You both jumped right into addressing pre affair marriage issues with seemingly little focus on your affair. I have seen little to suggest you are exploring your whys (remember your wife was in the same marriage as you but did not cheat) Maybe that's not true, but you don't post of dealing with your wife's pain, or building trust or changing your coping mechanisms. You post of reconnecting and spending time together.

 

Again, no talk of the normal marital devastation and triggers and feeling frustrated because she is sad and you are doing everything to fix it. For her.

 

You do post of your fond feelings of your AP and the recollections of the great friendship and love you shared and of missing her. You do talk about the APs birthday, and you needing closure, and what a good person and great friend etc. so yeah, I immediately jump to the "but that's the person who caused his wife harm!" with you, and behaved in a distructive selfish way. It's as if you are remembering fondly, and missing the good times you had with the person who beat up your wife. KWIM? So that of course causes me to read into your statements that your priority is still not with your wife. Follow?

 

I don't know why your wife is not devastated, or maybe she is and you are not concerned, or maybe just not posting about it. Hearing some balance of those feelings & actions would show you get it, but isn't there in your posts. Of course you don't owe anyone that, I am just explaining.

 

And I am waiting for when you realize that remembering your AP fondly is not NC. and that you work to fix that. And I do hope your wife is not suppressing sadness and her anger for fear you can't hear it or deal with it. That's not fair is it?

 

I hope it works out for you. I do.

[compulsivedancer]

And I am waiting for when you realize that remembering your AP fondly is not NC. and that you work to fix that.

 

Really?

 

First off, remember he is 3 months from DDay. Give it time. The fog has not completely lifted yet.

 

Secondly, there is only a certain level of control over your thoughts. I can't deny the good times I had with AP. What I CAN do is see them in light of the affair. I can see that while he probably genuinely enjoyed his time with me, at the same time he manipulated me to help get me to the place he wanted me, while knowingly hurting my husband. So he's a POS. But he's a POS that I cared about and that I shared a lot with. So I can look at it with a new lens, but that doesn't completely erase our moments together, or the way I feel about them.

 

I can work on my thoughts and remind myself when I have positive thoughts that this man hurt H dearly (and in my case, probably didn't really care for me), but I can't just erase the memory.

 

But it's the CHOICE of ACTION that makes the difference. I can choose not to call him or contact him. I can choose to divert my thoughts, etc. but that doesn't always MAKE them go away. But the choice not to contact him, the choice to put my energy into H is something I can actively control.

 

Other than having radical brain surgery, how would YOU propose that MMY (and me in my situation) have your version of NC??? It's been a journey for me to get to where I'm at, 6 months after DDay. I couldn't've been here at 3 months, or at 1 month, or 2 weeks, which is where the decision to try R was made.

 

What you are asking for is unrealistic, as I see it.

[Coolit]

She left her purse?? In your car?

 

Sigh

 

I have never known any woman to just forget and leave her purse behind.

 

Ummm, i have a terrible memory and forget my purse, wallet, phone everywhere! I left my phone behind after a group movie night at my xMM. Told the person I was giving a ride to to text him and let him know I was coming back for it. Both the person who called and xMM thought I did it on purpose and I was completely embarrased. I just really am a forgetful person. Takes a lot of effort on my part to keep myself focused on something so I won't forget but if I get sidetracked... Thankfully a lot of honest people have turned my lost items in.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Really?

 

First off, remember he is 3 months from DDay. Give it time. The fog has not completely lifted yet.

 

Secondly, there is only a certain level of control over your thoughts. I can't deny the good times I had with AP. What I CAN do is see them in light of the affair. I can see that while he probably genuinely enjoyed his time with me, at the same time he manipulated me to help get me to the place he wanted me, while knowingly hurting my husband. So he's a POS. But he's a POS that I cared about and that I shared a lot with. So I can look at it with a new lens, but that doesn't completely erase our moments together, or the way I feel about them.

 

I can work on my thoughts and remind myself when I have positive thoughts that this man hurt H dearly (and in my case, probably didn't really care for me), but I can't just erase the memory.

 

But it's the CHOICE of ACTION that makes the difference. I can choose not to call him or contact him. I can choose to divert my thoughts, etc. but that doesn't always MAKE them go away. But the choice not to contact him, the choice to put my energy into H is something I can actively control.

 

Other than having radical brain surgery, how would YOU propose that MMY (and me in my situation) have your version of NC??? It's been a journey for me to get to where I'm at, 6 months after DDay. I couldn't've been here at 3 months, or at 1 month, or 2 weeks, which is where the decision to try R was made.

 

What you are asking for is unrealistic, as I see it.

 

I respectfully must disagree.

 

I believe to have a thought is unconscious but to indulge in that thought with fond remeberance is a continued betrayal.

 

Illustration...You go to a lovely dinner with a lovely man who unbeknownst to you steps out during a bathroom break and kills your husband. A husband whose only connection to this man is you.

 

Do you go on and on about what a lovely man he is? And what a love time you were having? Or is it only the omg he did kill my husband but what he did was terrible? Or what exactly.

 

I am not saying the thoughts don't happen, at first. What I implied was he was still remebering them fondly. Not factually, to get to a resolution, but fondly. That is a continued betrayal. And, the killing illustration? Read a couple threads by BS in the first pain and they will describe THEIR experience like that or like being gutted. So sympathy for fond feelings...ah..no.

 

And as for you. Until YOU can speak of your responsibility and not deflect to the manipulation, you are not progressing. You made a choice. Maybe based on bad info, but a choice.

 

Attraction and lust are chemical reactions. What we do about it is a choice. Betrayal a choice. Affairs a choice. Deciding you will not choose to remember fondly the choices your and your affair partner made in having an affair and causing the destruction of another person(s) is a choice.

 

Deciding to find a way not to indulge in fond thinking is a choice.

[compulsivedancer]

It-is, that's not a problem; admitting that I was manipulated, believe it or not, is progress in my husband's eyes. I have taken full responsibility for my actions, but have had a hard time putting enough responsibility on AP.

[compulsivedancer]

It-is, I started a new thread about NC. I am curious to see what other people think. I wonder whether BSs mean it very differently than WSs think they do.

[compulsivedancer]

The thing most likely to ruin my day/morning/afternoon/disposition: thinking about AP. Even good thoughts.

[MMY]

Compulsivedancer, thanks for sharing your situation and your experiences that you have had to go through. Just like M and Kids, there is no A manual with step by step instructions.

 

I will continue to post, listen and learn.

 

Thanks again