MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Just wanted to type a few things which in turns help me deal with things. It was ExAP's B'day last week. I so much wanted to txt or call her to say Happy Birthday but I didn't. The A has been over since April 11th. (Last time I saw her) and time and NC is helping a great deal. One thing I realized is I am no longer covering tracks, making excuses for why I am working late. Not in a panic when my W gets my phone to use it. Not a slave to my phone or computer to see if she txted me and waiting on me to call or meet. AP always got a little pissy when I had to leave her and I hated making her mad. I still miss her but realize my W is the one person who will stand by me when no one else will.
BetrayedH Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Just wanted to type a few things which in turns help me deal with things. It was ExAP's B'day last week. I so much wanted to txt or call her to say Happy Birthday but I didn't. The A has been over since April 11th. (Last time I saw her) and time and NC is helping a great deal. One thing I realized is I am no longer covering tracks, making excuses for why I am working late. Not in a panic when my W gets my phone to use it. Not a slave to my phone or computer to see if she txted me and waiting on me to call or meet. AP always got a little pissy when I had to leave her and I hated making her mad. I still miss her but realize my W is the one person who will stand by me when no one else will. Good job resisting the urge to break NC. And good thoughts about your wife. Have you come clean with her?
affairaddict Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Is that the only reason you stay and chose her because she's more reliable?
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 Good job resisting the urge to break NC. And good thoughts about your wife. Have you come clean with her? Yes, I had Dday on March 10th. We have both been working on making our M work.
BetrayedH Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Yes, I had Dday on March 10th. We have both been working on making our M work. Then it's clear that your wife truly is the one person that will stand by you. Keep honoring her for that. Perhaps you can stop romanticizing your AP by realizing that she wasn't that great of a person (and didn't care so much about you) if she would so gladly help you betray your wife. 3
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 Is that the only reason you stay and chose her because she's more reliable? No, First I was done with M and was ready to walk. As things were uncovered and we went to MC and read some great books, we have been able to discover what has lacked on both of our parts regarding our M. My ExAP was M also but is going through a D and went NC. Although I was very confused I have since I am glad she did because it has allowed me to focus on me and my W. I was the weaker of the two because I would have had a hard time going NC and I know I would not be as far along with my M recovery if she had not.
affairaddict Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 So she broke off the affair and went NC. Well it's good you are working on your marriage. But she's a single woman now effectively what if she makes contact?
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 She went NC but did not block me from the way we communicated. So if I tried to contact her I could. I know she isn't D yet (too many people we both know) I would have heard. She has her 2 kids to focus on. If she did contact I would be open and tell my w. I just don't think it will happen. I have already told her that I wish the best for her. It still doesn't mean I wont think out times we shared but like I said, as time goes I think less and less about it. 1
affairaddict Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 That's good. Respect! How did D day come about?
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 It was at the peak of the A. I didn't care if I got caught or not. I was JUST DONE!!! She had found text on my phone one day and asked about it. the AP had put "Can't wait to see my Best Friend"... It could have been worse cause our text at the time consisted of a lot of ILU's. I told my W (she knows the OW) that she and I had become very good friends and she was someone I could talk to. I did not come clean that I had be in an A for months. So I deleted her contact info on my phone per my W request. Months later I told my W that I was going out of town with some guys at work and She and I went out of town for our first and only trip together. Came back and when my W went to get in my car she found her purse.
affairaddict Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Why did you not care if you got caught? I hear that a lot?
PhoenixRise Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 It was at the peak of the A. I didn't care if I got caught or not. I was JUST DONE!!! She had found text on my phone one day and asked about it. the AP had put "Can't wait to see my Best Friend"... It could have been worse cause our text at the time consisted of a lot of ILU's. I told my W (she knows the OW) that she and I had become very good friends and she was someone I could talk to. I did not come clean that I had be in an A for months. So I deleted her contact info on my phone per my W request. Months later I told my W that I was going out of town with some guys at work and She and I went out of town for our first and only trip together. Came back and when my W went to get in my car she found her purse. She left her purse?? In your car? Sigh I have never known any woman to just forget and leave her purse behind. Maybe, if only subconsciously she wanted your wife to know. I'm glad things are going better for you. I do think your wife is not your first choice here. Is it safe to say that if your OW had not gone NC with you, you would still be DONE with your marriage and i perusing a relationship with stbd OW? 1
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 Why did you not care if you got caught? I hear that a lot? I had issue's with my Daughter, my parents, my w was doing everything for everybody but me/us. I found someone who would listen, had so much in common with. As with most people on here thought they had met the person that was that perfect match. I fell in love with the fantasy the escape but at the time I didn't see that. I had sat down and talked with my W on several occasions prior to ever getting involved with the OW and told her how I felt but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. She was so involved with our kids 16 and 17 that I slowly went off into my own little world. The DDay made everything real...
affairaddict Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 It's good that you are out the fog And trying to save what you had there all along. I did not have a d day. I left before . He's about to get married. I know people on this board think I should tell her but don't think I can
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 She left her purse?? In your car? Sigh I have never known any woman to just forget and leave her purse behind. Maybe, if only subconsciously she wanted your wife to know. I'm glad things are going better for you. I do think your wife is not your first choice here. Is it safe to say that if your OW had not gone NC with you, you would still be DONE with your marriage and i perusing a relationship with stbd OW? You may be right. but I don't think so... She had more to lose at the time than I did. Her kids are much younger and her H knew/knows nothing about the A. The OW panicked when I called her and told her my W found her purse. Her first words were "I can't lose my kids" As for my W not being my first choice, she was always my first choice and still is. I just didn't think so at the time. We are both working on our M. May sound weird but I am glad things happened the way they did. If not you are right, I might not have ever opened my eyes, my W might have never opened hers. The OW might not be doing what she feels is best for her children. You can't put smoke back into the match once hit has been struck nor can you erase memories of special moments you have shared with someone you cared about but you can always come to the realization of what and who is important in your life and do the best you can to make it the best it can be. 4
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 It's good that you are out the fog And trying to save what you had there all along. I did not have a d day. I left before . He's about to get married. I know people on this board think I should tell her but don't think I can You will get a lot of opinions but in the end you are the only one that knows what is best. If you are done with the relationship and you don't think it will ever go anywhere then tell him that and hopefully he will respect your decision and not contact you. As for telling her..... what does it accomplish? Letting her know what she is getting into? Making it clear to him u r done? To make yourself feel better? Just think it through before you act.
affairaddict Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 going to PM you if you have that option open..
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 I am not certain if I do but I will check
affairaddict Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 you do. I sent you a msg. hope you don't mind, mostly ramblings. check your notifications.
Snowflower Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 MMY, I don't think your wife is your first choice either. Please explore this before you drag your wife any further through reconciliation. 1
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 MMY, I don't think your wife is your first choice either. Please explore this before you drag your wife any further through reconciliation. Well, I just don't get it. I sit here and say that I know I did wrong but AT THE TIME!!!!! I thought I was finished. If I didn't want to work it out with my W I would be gone. Everybody on her keeps focusing on the fact that the OMW went NC and I am the poor love sick fool pinning for her ever day. I have said so MANY times that when NC happened I was still in a "I Don't Give a $h@#" mode but nobody can understand that because of the NC I was forced to look at my Life my M and it is worth the two of us trying to be what we need to be for each other. My W and I have done more together in the past 3 months than we have in 3 years. We both know there are hills to climb but we are working on it. I Can't turn my memory OFF that is one reason why I come to this board, to see what other people are going through and remind me that it was an escape not a true/battle tested Love. 1
Snowflower Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Well, I just don't get it. I sit here and say that I know I did wrong but AT THE TIME!!!!! I thought I was finished. If I didn't want to work it out with my W I would be gone. Everybody on her keeps focusing on the fact that the OMW went NC and I am the poor love sick fool pinning for her ever day. I have said so MANY times that when NC happened I was still in a "I Don't Give a $h@#" mode but nobody can understand that because of the NC I was forced to look at my Life my M and it is worth the two of us trying to be what we need to be for each other. My W and I have done more together in the past 3 months than we have in 3 years. We both know there are hills to climb but we are working on it. I Can't turn my memory OFF that is one reason why I come to this board, to see what other people are going through and remind me that it was an escape not a true/battle tested Love. Okay, thank you for answering. I understand a bit better now. From where I sit, and this is just my opinion, you are still very, very focused on the xOW. Your posts here are full of references to her and not so much about your wife. I understand that you are just venting and that is completely cool. However, your stream of consciousness definitely veers toward the A and the xOW. That is why I posted that you need to explore your feelings about reconciling and the future of your marriage. It is unfair and almost cruel to your wife to be attempting reconciliation without your heart really being in it. 1
Author MMY Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 My ? for you. Have you had an A and did you just up and forget about it within the 1st mth, 3 mths, year? I will start posting thing about my W and how we are doing much better but I just haven't gotten the A completely out of my head but I am working on it. If you have any pointers please let tell me but I am tired of getting on here and everyone keeps telling me I should let my W go and give up on my M. Not being ugly, I guess I need to stop getting on LS and go back to Sports radio 1
sweet_pea Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 MMY, I am glad that things are beginning to improve with your wife. I hope that with hard work, things will get much better and your focus will be 100% where it should be. How did the dinner go that you posted about not too long ago?
Snowflower Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 My ? for you. Have you had an A and did you just up and forget about it within the 1st mth, 3 mths, year? I will start posting thing about my W and how we are doing much better but I just haven't gotten the A completely out of my head but I am working on it. I haven't had an affair but there are some really good former WS posters here. Hopefully they will chime in. I am trying to help you see this from your wife's POV. If that is not helpful to you at this juncture, then I will stop. But sometimes having someone else point out issues that might be affecting the other person-in this case your wife-without them actually being your wife-is helpful. When I first came to LS, some of the most valuable advice I received was from someone who had cheated on their spouse. They helped me understand things that my H was going through that I couldn't see. And since this WS was an objective 3rd party, it made it even more effective. If you have any pointers please let tell me but I am tired of getting on here and everyone keeps telling me I should let my W go and give up on my M. Good! I like seeing you stand up for your marriage! Not being ugly, I guess I need to stop getting on LS and go back to Sports radio I hope you won't leave but hey, sports radio would be much more fun. Sorry, I at least won't ask you about why you are staying in your marriage again. 1
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