Gf talking to ex husband

[DonM77]

I've been dating her for just over three years and living tog for one year. Since jan it seems as though she looks for excuses to call him. In the beginning he would never answer or return her calls but a few months ago they began talking as I guess he gave in.

 

The reasons my gf have for contacting him was over child support. It was supposed to end in feb and he never stopped it. So she felt the need to remind him he needs to handle it so it doesn't continue. As of today it is still being taken because he has done nothing to stop it.

 

She tells me on occasion when they speak and that isn't very often maybe a few times per month, atleast that's what she tells me. I don't know for sure, not do I see her phone records. I do trust it's no more than what she tells me.

 

Normally after they talk she tells me about the conversation and how he has all these problems in his life with work, car problems, health prob passing stones ect. It seems to be a lot of personal conversations rather than div/child support issues. Yesterday he called their 19 year old daughter because he had baked a cake and wanted to drop it off to her at our home.(she lives with us). She was sleeping and decided to call my gf since he was unable to reach the daughter. He mentioned how he was spending so much time now learning to bake and cook.

 

In the past I never really discussed it kind of bother me they talk, however I did tell her on a few occasions I don't wish to hear about all his problems and his hobbies, but yet she continues... I have an ex wife, which we do not talk a s my gf has made it very clear she would have a prob if I talked with her.

 

Is this normal to be friendly with an ex or am I being overly worried?

[Chief Wiggum]

I would say it isn't THAT alarming that she talks to her husband when there's a child involved.

 

Perhaps the biggest thing she's guilty of, is being a little insensitive by continuing to talk about him in your presence. The good news is that you're in similar positions (both have an ex wife/husband) and she acknowledges the importance of not remaining in contact with with former partners. If you just remind her of this -- tell her that she doesn't like you speaking to your ex wife -- I'm pretty sure she should realise her mistake and cut down her contact with her former hubby. That's assuming she's a reasonable person, of course.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

They are talking because her now adult child does not qualify for child support? She yold him, now he's a big boy, let him fix it himself. I think this is a boundary discussion. Not a complaint about a specific issue, but how you feel about someone who was once your wife's husband talking about his problems and such. This is building of a friendship, not a co parenting relationship.

 

The call about the cake would not bother you if it had not been for the other instances, am I right?

 

You have to figure out what is acceptable for you in your relationship. I would not be comfortable either.

[jphcbpa]

OP, tell us more about the nature of their relationship before the divorce, what lead to the divorce, how did it end, ect.

[DonM77]

They are talking because her now adult child does not qualify for child support? She yold him, now he's a big boy, let him fix it himself. I think this is a boundary discussion. Not a complaint about a specific issue, but how you feel about someone who was once your wife's husband talking about his problems and such. This is building of a friendship, not a co parenting relationship.

 

The call about the cake would not bother you if it had not been for the other instances, am I right?

 

You have to figure out what is acceptable for you in your relationship. I would not be comfortable either.

Yes, exactly my feelings on this! However the cake call still would have bothered me. There is no reason to discuss anything outside of the child or remaining div issues IMO

 

 

I would say it isn't THAT alarming that she talks to her husband when there's a child involved.

 

Perhaps the biggest thing she's guilty of, is being a little insensitive by continuing to talk about him in your presence. The good news is that you're in similar positions (both have an ex wife/husband) and she acknowledges the importance of not remaining in contact with with former partners. If you just remind her of this -- tell her that she doesn't like you speaking to your ex wife -- I'm pretty sure she should realise her mistake and cut down her contact with her former hubby. That's assuming she's a reasonable person, of course.

 

It's the context of their discussions that have me concerned. IMO she is just looking for excuses to speak with him. He is an adult and can handle stopping the child support on his own. She would flip out if she knew I was talking to my ex even more so if it was personal related.

Edited July 24, 2013 by DonM77
Changes

[DonM77]

OP, tell us more about the nature of their relationship before the divorce, what lead to the divorce, how did it end, ect.

 

They were married for 20+ years. She cheated on him five years into their marriage. They split for for a few month as she evetually came back to work things out. Four years ago they grew distant. She seperated from him and began dating me during their div. It was not an easy div as he was very bitter towards her leaving him. I take it as though they never fully recovered from the affair 16 years ago.

[Chief Wiggum]

Yes, exactly my feelings on this! However the cake call still would have bothered me. There is no reason to discuss anything outside of the child or remaining div issues IMO

 

 

 

 

It's the context of their discussions that have me concerned. IMO she is just looking for excuses to speak with him. He is an adult and can handle stopping the child support on his own. She would flip out if she knew I was talking to my ex even more so if it was personal related.

 

Fair enough. Then you need to have that discussion with her.

 

Her having a record of cheating doesn't help, by the way.

[CptSaveAho]

Do you not see any fault in this?

 

Perhaps starting to date her while she was going through a divorce after being married to the guy for 20 years...

 

Have you ever heard the term rebound?

 

And you "trusting" a woman as to what she says who has a clear history of cheating on the man she spent 20 years with. Really? she didnt have a chance to grow up and learn from her mistake of doing this and be alone to suffer the consequences of their actions, another sucker just swooped in and "saved" her.

 

Fair enough. Then you need to have that discussion with her.

 

.

 

The conversation should be this "You fix this or I will"

 

and if it comes to you fixing it because she hasnt, end the relationship

Edited July 24, 2013 by CptSaveAho

[BluEyeL]

I don't think it's a big issue, really, but she should just be more sensitive about your feelings.

 

Looking at it from the woman's perspective, I keep telling my ex over and over and over again that there are no reasons to talk to me about anything other than our son, but he stops for like one or two weeks, then sends me pictures of places he's been, tells me about his furniture, stuff etc. I blocked his number, but it's hard when he keeps coming back. He mostly emails, since I won't take his calls. I've been fighting this since January this year, I wasn't even dating anyone at that point and have been fighting him off, now I'm dating someone and I admit I'm worried that it could become a problem if the ex husband finds out and decides to somehow sabotage me. Oh well....baggage.... But I can tell you that even if I sometimes talk to him, I have no intention whatsoever to get back with him or anything like that, and no talk is romantic. That's why I think that if your gf is like me, you are in no danger. Tell her to cut it off though, what's more important is that she should care about how you feel.

[Adele0908]

Even though they are divorced, you never stop loving somebody. And if they have a daughter together, of course there will be some co-parenting and contact between them. And if she left him and divorced him, I'm sure a lot of thought went into that decision. I doubt that she would want him back after going through the stress and trouble of a divorce.

 

I think the OP is just feeling jealous and insecure. If you dont tell her how you feel or what you expect, then don't expect her to change her behavior.

[Phantom888]

When there is a child involved, the bond between her and her ex will NEVER be broken. They created a life together, so they will always have that kind of relationship. As long as they are not romantically involved, you should not object. This ex will always be a part of her life. Be thankful they are not fighting or having grudges. That is actually more ugly.

[DonM77]

Seems as though the feeling among everyone who contributed in this post is 50/50. There is no concise right or wrong here. Right, wrong or indifferent she expects me to conduct a certain way in our rel and again, she's made it perfectly clear she would be upset if I would talk to my ex. However she isn't following her own rules here and I think this is where my problem is.

 

As far as ownership goes on my part, I fail to see how her past has to to with certain exspectations on our current relationship. Maybe I do have some trust issues and some insecurity issues as well dealing with her ex.

 

I failed to mention last week I received a block call from someone. When my phone wrang it startled me and I stumbled w the phone. She accused me of being nervous at the time and accused me of receiving blocked calls from another woman. I thought it was odd she would go there and looking back is a red flag.

 

I really don't think she is cheating nor does she have the time. She is always where she says and I've never caught her in a lie. However, I know here past ad it will always w in the back of my mind...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Seems as though the feeling among everyone who contributed in this post is 50/50. There is no concise right or wrong here. Right, wrong or indifferent she expects me to conduct a certain way in our rel and again, she's made it perfectly clear she would be upset if I would talk to my ex. However she isn't following her own rules here and I think this is where my problem is.

 

As far as ownership goes on my part, I fail to see how her past has to to with certain exspectations on our current relationship. Maybe I do have some trust issues and some insecurity issues as well dealing with her ex.

 

I failed to mention last week I received a block call from someone. When my phone wrang it startled me and I stumbled w the phone. She accused me of being nervous at the time and accused me of receiving blocked calls from another woman. I thought it was odd she would go there and looking back is a red flag.

 

I really don't think she is cheating nor does she have the time. She is always where she says and I've never caught her in a lie. However, I know here past ad it will always w in the back of my mind...

 

I agree with posters that some contact when you share a child (no matter the age) is inevitable. But contact for a healthy normal problem fee 19 year old is going to be infrequent since the relationship with parents are independent.

 

That said....given HER history of infidelity (you were not the OM, were you?) that you should be able to have a boundaries discussion about what c(volume, type) ontact makes you uncomfortable.

 

It's possible that she is trying to repair their relationship, which is fine, as long as she has boundaries, which she may not.

[DonM77]

Shortly after I posted this thread I spoke to her about how I felt. It pretty much went in one ear and out the next.

 

Yesterday someone smashed their daughters car window so my gf felt the need to inform her ex. The ex husband has chosen to not be in their daughters life, rarely calls her or sees her.

 

IMO it was just an excuse to call him to see how he was doing. They spoke for about 30 min regarding his health and how he is now out on stress leave. He's lost over 20 lbs, has been suffering from kidney stones and has now found three lumps someplace on his body. She's upset because if it's serious she feels she's all he has for help and made it clear she might need to be there for him because he has no one. Which isn't true, he has a daughter, step daughter, brother, two sisters and a father. None of which he speaks to except for the sisters who live out of state. He has no rel with the brother or father from a falling out years ago. He has no one to blame for this except himself.

 

IMO she has no obligation to help him, he is a grown man.

 

I can't count how many times she's made comments about how ex'/ shouldn't speak because its noth but trouble ect...she also made it clear she doesn't want me speaking with my ex wife and if the rolls were reversed and my ex wife was sick and I told my gf I'm all she has for help it would be WW3.

 

I can't help feeling insecure here not do I understand where she's comes off like this. I feel like I'm being manipulated and controlled.

 

Communication or discussion don't work, she's considers my feelings but ends up doing what she wants anyway. I'm in need of advice here. What should I do now.

[crederer]

I was the same age when my parents split and they never talked to eachother after the divorce was finalized. Anytime either one of them wanted to have something to do with me, they talked to me directly. 19 is a child anymore, it's a young adult and no need to go through the parent to get to the daughter.

 

It'd be different if it was once in a blue moon but several times a month seems excessive.

[FitChick]

Suggest that she and her daughter move back with her ex since he seems to need them so badly.

 

Otherwise start chatting with your ex wife again. Maybe that will get the woman to leave you.

[DonM77]

Suggest that she and her daughter move back with her ex since he seems to need them so badly.

 

Otherwise start chatting with your ex wife again. Maybe that will get the woman to leave you.

 

I love her very much, clearly I do otherwise I wouldn't be looking for advice. However this has me to the point of ending the rel and I hope I'm not acting irrational by going overboard with something that isn't as big of a deal.

[PogoStick]

Right and wrong is subjective. What matters is what you want vs don't want and what you are willing to tolerate.

[ASG]

My mom and dad speak to each other almost every day, either on the phone or online. They've been divorced for 23 years. Both me and my brother are 30. And yet they still talk about us almost daily. That and work (they work in the same field).

 

My mom has been with my step dad for over 20 years now.

 

There is nothing wrong with it on the surface. It might really just be a friendly chat. They do have a child together, even if said child is now technically a grown up.

[ascendotum]

I love her very much, clearly I do otherwise I wouldn't be looking for advice. However this has me to the point of ending the rel and I hope I'm not acting irrational by going overboard with something that isn't as big of a deal.

 

Personally I think you are in terms of the bolded part. To me splitting up over this is 'throwing out the baby with the bathwater'. Finding a great person you have great chemistry with, and find sexy is not as easy as you get older. You admitted in a prior post that you are insecure over this. Lots of married couples stay friends after the separation. You said you don't think she trying to get together with him or have an affair with him. While the call over their daughters vandalized car was a bit superfluous...this couple shared 20 yrs together, she still cares for a small degree over his health problems and maybe also feels a little guilty that her cheating quite possibly destroyed their marriage...and the guy is still paying money into her bank account.

 

To me the bigger issue is the one rule for one but not the other as regards talking to ex husband/wife. I think it is BS that she is so strict on you on this, but doesn't mind breaking her own rule when it comes to her. This would piss me off. I wouldn't break up over this just yet but I would expand your boundaries and test your gf out by starting to contact your ex wife a bit. Lets see her be a hypocrite and bring on her ww3...then you might not love her so much and make it easier & more justified to split...imo anyway.

Edited October 17, 2013 by ascendotum

[DonM77]

Personally I think you are in terms of the bolded part. To me splitting up over this is 'throwing out the baby with the bathwater'. Finding a great person you have great chemistry with, and find sexy is not as easy as you get older. You admitted in a prior post that you are insecure over this. Lots of married couples stay friends after the separation. You said you don't think she trying to get together with him or have an affair with him. While the call over their daughters vandalized car was a bit superfluous...this couple shared 20 yrs together, she still cares for a small degree over his health problems and maybe also feels a little guilty that her cheating quite possibly destroyed their marriage...and the guy is still paying money into her bank account.

 

To me the bigger issue is the one rule for one but not the other as regards talking to ex husband/wife. I think it is BS that she is so strict on you on this, but doesn't mind breaking her own rule when it comes to her. This would piss me off. I wouldn't break up over this just yet but I would expand your boundaries and test your gf out by starting to contact your ex wife a bit. Lets see her be a hypocrite and bring on her ww3...then you might not love her so much and make it easier & more justified to split...imo anyway.

 

Yes I agree with you. I also don't like how she finds any excuse to call him like car window incident. IMO there is no reason to tell him this especially since he has removed himself from te daughters life. I find it supicious honestly...

 

Not to sound completely cold, but I would not tolerate her taking care of him in anyway if his health got to that point. They are div and the rel is over, if you are going to look after him why get div. He is a grown man and has ruined his rel with his family.

[DonM77]

Yesterday my gf found out her exhusband passed away suddenly. Apprently he had stage four cancer and told no one except for a friend who had been taking care of him for the last few weeks.

 

When My GF learned of his passing she took her 30 year old daughter and his biological 19 year old to his appartment. I guess my gf felt the need to see him for some strange reason. He was still laying there and his brother was there and would only allow the 19 year old in to see him as she was next of kin. The 30 year old, my gf and the brother got into an argument about who can go in. There was an officer on the scene and agreed with the brother that only the daugher can go in. There always seem to be so much drama with the 30 year old and a lot of times my gf gets dragged into it all. Is this really normal to want to see your exhusband who had just passed?

 

My gf of course is very upset that her ex husband passed and was up crying most of the night. Im trying to be as supportive as possible in a tough situation. Not to seem selfish, but it's very difficult seeing my gf upset over somone she div 3 years ago. I realize they spent more than 20 years tog and have a child tog, not to mention he also raised the 30 year old.

 

None of this makes sense to me and maybe I dont get it because I've never lost an ex? Today after my gf woke up she began doing research on whether or not she's entitled to social security benifits and his pension!...seriously? The day after he passes and your worried about what you could have coming to you? I feel blown away right now and wonder what kind of woman I'm dealing with here. I've seen red flags in our rel and wonder if this is really what I want, but these latest events have me wanting to run for the door. What should I do???

[stillafool]

So sorry for the girl. I think you gf's reaction to his death is odd. I can certainly see her taking her daughter over there if she was begging to go, but her reaction to his death is interesting.

Edited December 3, 2013 by stillafool

[DonM77]

So sorry for the girl. I think you gf's reaction to his death is odd. I can certainly see her taking her daughter over there if she was begging to go, but her reaction to his death is interesting.

 

Yes she has been on my mind a lot since I found out. She didn't know where he lived and I thought it was strange, he barely called her either. About 4 weeks ago, my gf brother called her as he has a friend that is also friends with the ex husband. Apparently he knew he was sick with cancer and wanted my gf to know.

 

I felt that my step daugher should know where her father is living if he is indeed sick so I asked a cop friend of mine to find his address. I was able to give his address to the daughter but she never used it to see him...it's really sad and I kinda seen this coming.

 

My gf 30 year old picked her up this morning to take her to visit the ex brother in law. When I asked why she is going to visit him she didnt reply. What on earth would she need to visit him?

 

When you say interesting, can you elaborate more please

Edited December 3, 2013 by DonM77