Sallygirl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Hi everyone. It's been almost 6 weeks since I've tried to initiate NC with my ex. As some of you may know, it hasn't been easy since I work with him. At least once a week for the last two weeks, he has initiates contact with me at work. This makes it extremely hard for me. I am the one that actually walked away from this relationship. He is currently (kind of) going through a divorce, and has three kids. As he has said on multiple occasions even when things were good, "his life is a mess." He told me multiple times that he sees what we had going the distance once he works everything out in his own life. Intold him when I ended it that his situation is too hard for me to deal with right now, and that I wish he timing had been different. He said that he isn't able to be there full time for anyone right now and he did still need to work on a lot in his own life right now. He said we would always be friends and that I meant so much to him. That same night I ran into him at a baseball game holding hands with another girl. A girl I had asked him about previously and he initially denied anything, and then later admitted they had a history. He said they had been on a few dates but not recently. I completely flipped out on him, told him he disgusted me, and that I hoped he had a nice life. I then walked away, got in my car and defriended him from Facebook. My question is, I can't decide if I am the dumper or dumpee. From reading his forum, it sounds like most rules, including NC, are different depending on which one you are. From what I've written, I'd like everyone's opinion on which you think I am, and how I should behave accordingly.
forgetmenot75 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 This one is very easy: you are the dumpee. A passive dumpee, but definitely a dumpee. He said he couldn't commit to you, he didn't fight for your love, yet he was holding hands with another girl (!!!) from my point if view, he let you go as he's more interested in this new woman. I'm very sorry
Author Sallygirl Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 This one is very easy: you are the dumpee. A passive dumpee, but definitely a dumpee. He said he couldn't commit to you, he didn't fight for your love, yet he was holding hands with another girl (!!!) from my point if view, he let you go as he's more interested in this new woman. I'm very sorry He only said that though after I walked away/ended things. There was zero indication from his end that he would have ended it. Things were good. we didnt have a fight. Although you are right. He didn't stop me from walking away, although two previous times he did (and even cried). It hurts me that he was seeing this other girl, but I really believe he would have continued to see both of us if I hadn't walked away. I also found out after the fact that he dated this girl briefly before me. They have mutual friends and some of his friends think that she happened to be there that night and he was upset so that's what he was holding her hand. She was convenient. I do know they are still seeing each other though. His friends theory is that while he is going through his divorce he doesn't want to sit at his moms house and think so he is just trying to stay busy. I have to say this. He didn't like her enough to walk away from me/choose her. And the reverse is true if he was seeing her while with me. He didn't like me enough on stay away from her.
forgetmenot75 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 There is no timing for love. If he would felt strong for you, he would never let you go. If he were in love with you, he would had fight for your love, even though his life was a mess. He's not with you anymore, he's available for this new girl or other girl, doesn't matter. You need to move on
Author Sallygirl Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 There is no timing for love. If he would felt strong for you, he would never let you go. If he were in love with you, he would had fight for your love, even though his life was a mess. He's not with you anymore, he's available for this new girl or other girl, doesn't matter. You need to move on I get what you are saying and I know its true. It's just that in my head I feel like he did fight for me twice. This last time though, you are right. He did let me walk. Does everyone else agree that I'm the dumpee? If so, then I guess I should maintain NC as much as he will allow me too...
Zahara Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I get what you are saying and I know its true. It's just that in my head I feel like he did fight for me twice. This last time though, you are right. He did let me walk. Does everyone else agree that I'm the dumpee? If so, then I guess I should maintain NC as much as he will allow me too... Didn't you state in your last thread that this man betrayed your trust and lied to you and here you're trying to analyze what, when and how and even questioning breaking NC? Dumpee, dumper, passive dumpee...the man lied to you and is now with another woman. You yourself said he made you out to be a fool with all the lies. Dignity and self-respect. Focus on those two things.
xilver Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 If you ended things then you dumped him. Think about it. If he would have been the one to end things and you asked for help what advice would you have gotten? People would tell you forget about him, NC, he chose a life without you it's time to move on, go date. Well it sounds like that is exactly what he did.
Author Sallygirl Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 Didn't you state in your last thread that this man betrayed your trust and lied to you and here you're trying to analyze what, when and how and even questioning breaking NC? Dumpee, dumper, passive dumpee...the man lied to you and is now with another woman. You yourself said he made you out to be a fool with all the lies. Dignity and self-respect. Focus on those two things. I did. And he did. I do know all of that. And yes, maybe I am overanalyzing. It's just really hard to see him at work, especially because he acts like everything is fine. We were also such good friends before this, that I'm having a really hard time comprehending and processing everything that has happened. I haven't broken NC. He has. I guess that's why I want to know whether I'm the dumpee or the dumper so I can gauge how I should behave. Thanks for givin your opinion and advice. I really do appreciate it.
Zahara Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I did. And he did. I do know all of that. And yes, maybe I am overanalyzing. It's just really hard to see him at work, especially because he acts like everything is fine. We were also such good friends before this, that I'm having a really hard time comprehending and processing everything that has happened. I haven't broken NC. He has. I guess that's why I want to know whether I'm the dumpee or the dumper so I can gauge how I should behave. Thanks for givin your opinion and advice. I really do appreciate it. You really need to THINK rationally. Your logic is very shallow right now. Whether you are the dumpee or dumper, it does not matter. The man disrespected you and lied to you. That in itself puts you in a position to stay away from him and create boundaries that do not allow him to enter into your life. You don't decide how to behave based on who dumped whom. You decide on how to move forward by accepting that this man wronged you and that you prioritize your dignity and self-respect by stepping away from him. And I've told you this. Communication should be strictly professional at work. Of course everything is fine with him. He never considered your feelings then, why would he do it now? He let you go, which means he was fine doing it so why would you think he would be suffering the same hurt as you are? Forget about how he was when he was friends with you. When you get involved with someone at a deeper level, you then get to see different layers of who they are. 1
Minneloa Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Whether you are the dumpee or dumper, it does not matter. The man disrespected you and lied to you. That in itself puts you in a position to stay away from him and create boundaries that do not allow him to enter into your life. You don't decide how to behave based on who dumped whom. You decide on how to move forward by accepting that this man wronged you and that you prioritize your dignity and self-respect by stepping away from him. Totally agree with Zahara here. OP, from what you have posted, you are over-analyzing and second-guessing yourself right now. This is understandable, as you are hurting; however, I urge you to resist these mind-spirals as much as possible. I find sometimes that repeating a simple phrase like, "That doesn't matter; he is gone." helps me to short-circuit my thoughts and avoid falling down a rabbit hole of pointless questions. Try to focus on yourself, rather than him. It will get better. I am in week 6 of NC and starting to see the light. Sending good thoughts! M.
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