NC is suppose to be better right??

[daftpunk]

Guys.....Guys?

 

Give up.

 

She has "Unrequited Love-Doormat" written all over this.

 

She is going to go on, and on, interminably re-hashing for 25 years, then be sitting, celebrating all on her own, in some down-town Cafe, about her unrequited lover and his girlfriend....

 

Leave it.

 

Come now, Tara. You're sounding like a jaded old hermit!

[TaraMaiden]

When it comes to this particular poster - we all do.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

You've started 25 threads since you signed up for this site about a month and a half ago. You have had oodles of people tell you the EXACT same thing. However, you still believe that we are wrong and you are right. I hope for your sake it works, but what else needs to happen for you to see this for what it truly is?

 

When I signed up for this site after my BU, I thought I knew my GF better than random strangers (ie people on here). I would ask for advice and I would listen, but always get a little angry inside when I heard something I didnt want to hear. If it was something I didnt agree with, I would argue my post because, again, I thought I knew my GF of almost three years better.

 

....as everything turns out, yes things arent so black and white, but in this case, and my case, and most 98% of people on here, it is.

 

Sadly, NOTHING matters what he said before. He could have said "You are the most perfect girl ever. I will marry you and it doesnt matter what I say, I still love you"...it doesnt matter. Words are words. Actions are actions. There are very clear signs he does not want to be with you, and yet you hold on to this notion that there is. I'm sorry dear, there just isnt.

 

Go no contact, dont check social media on him EVER because that will hold you back. You probably stopped reading after I said it wont work, so Ill just type random things now. Cookies, Panasonic, shoes, showers, bunnies.....

 

GO NO CONTACT. LEAVE IT IN THE PAST! We dont have much time on this earth, spend it doing something constructive.

[Carenth]

I didn't realise OP enjoyed beating dead horses with blunt instruments so much.

 

As I've said over and over you are not fooling anyone but yourself. You are certainly not fooling anyone here. This is over what happened in the past does not matter. It is void. Finished. Done.

 

You are just hurting yourself by continuing to deceive yourself about the reality of the situation.

[amkxoxo]

I know. I have been doing a lot better. Not wanting to contact him. I am getting okay with not talking to him. Learning to live independently. I am more open to the "there's more fish in the sea" method. I know you all get frustrated with my thoughts, but you have not been through what I went through, and so not know him or me. He is not a villain, he really is a wonderful person. I am free to ask for advice and make decisions with my mind, even if they aren't exactly what you guys would do.

 

My latest struggle is with if going NC is the right decision for me? He had asked me a long time ago about whether if something happened to us, if we could just be friends, he was curious. I had told him no, and he said "wrong answer." And then I told him I would be his friend before being nothing in the scenario. I didn't know what he was thinking about my answer. In my mind, I think that still having contact with him means that he will be in my life still and he might want to be with me someday. My thoughts are that if we don't have contact and aren't in each others lives then how would we ever get back together.

 

But he and his ex were friends freshmen year and they lost touch and didn't talk for like almost a year and suddenly they saw each other and got to talking and re connecting and he ended up realizing he loved her and couldn't live without her. Do I take the same approach. In the back of my mind lies, maybe he doesn't like it that I can just be his friend, because maybe it proves to him that I am okay with just that and didn't like him that much, and I am not. To be honest, I can't just be his friend, but I don't have the strength to totally cut him out yet.

 

I have dealt with the intense criticism I have faced on this site, and must say that sometimes it made me feel worse than I already did. Sometimes its unnecessary. And no offense, my mom has been through more horrible experiences with me, and has been my backbone for my life, so I do trust her a lot more than I trust you people.

[Archanaart]

I have dealt with the intense criticism I have faced on this site, and must say that sometimes it made me feel worse than I already did. Sometimes its unnecessary. And no offense, my mom has been through more horrible experiences with me, and has been my backbone for my life, so I do trust her a lot more than I trust you people.

 

I suggest you stop posting on this site or about this guy. You've gotten criticism for months now and it's not going to stop unless you do.

 

You're putting yourself and this situation out there to be judge. People judge. Sucks but that's the reality of life.

 

And you need to be your own backbone not your mom.

[Carenth]

I know. I have been doing a lot better. Not wanting to contact him. I am getting okay with not talking to him. Learning to live independently. I am more open to the "there's more fish in the sea" method. I know you all get frustrated with my thoughts, but you have not been through what I went through, and so not know him or me. He is not a villain, he really is a wonderful person. I am free to ask for advice and make decisions with my mind, even if they aren't exactly what you guys would do.

 

I'm afraid I have been through a similar thing. It's called a first break up I went all kinds of silly after mine thinking I could secretly win her back. Admittedly not as long as you have been going on for.

 

In my mind, I think that still having contact with him means that he will be in my life still and he might want to be with me someday. My thoughts are that if we don't have contact and aren't in each others lives then how would we ever get back together.

 

In other words you cannot accept the reality that you are not an important part of his life anymore. You are afraid to let go and like a lost puppy hoping if you follow him around he might take you home. Sorry it doesn't work like that and as I said you are just hurting yourself.

 

But he and his ex were friends freshmen year and they lost touch and didn't talk for like almost a year and suddenly they saw each other and got to talking and re connecting and he ended up realizing he loved her and couldn't live without her.

 

Pointless rehashing stop torturing yourself on what if scenarios.

 

Do I take the same approach. In the back of my mind lies, maybe he doesn't like it that I can just be his friend, because maybe it proves to him that I am okay with just that and didn't like him that much, and I am not. To be honest, I can't just be his friend, but I don't have the strength to totally cut him out yet.

 

No you don't take the same approach because it will end up backfiring in your face and hurting you again. He doesn't care what you are he only cares your are available to spill his guts when he is feeling like crap and use you as an ego boost.

 

I have dealt with the intense criticism I have faced on this site, and must say that sometimes it made me feel worse than I already did. Sometimes its unnecessary. And no offense, my mom has been through more horrible experiences with me, and has been my backbone for my life, so I do trust her a lot more than I trust you people.

 

Because you keep posting the same thing over and over living in the past it's very depressing to watch. You disregard anyone who doesn't agree with your warped sense of logic and go to make yet another thread about the exact same thing. Hoping someone will tell you that he is secretly madly in love with you.

 

My mum gave me some horrible advice after my first breakup (and she is the most caring supporting person I have ever had in my life) just like your mum she meant well and thought she was helping but honestly it was horrible advice. Living for a pipe dream is not living.

[amkxoxo]

I know. I want to believe my mom and she has so much logic about the situation. She said she truly isn't trying to console me, she is telling me what she thinks and she would tell anyone the same thing. I want to believe her. Then my best friend tells me a lot of criticism She hates him. . I think asking too many people has killed my brain. I have so many opinions and options that I get too confused and don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I feel like I wish I could have just had trust in him. I feel like my insecurity caused me to come on this sight and question everything he has done when I should have been confident in myself and him.

 

I am such a great person. I am so nice. I am patient and kind and understanding. People generally like me because of this. He did. I feel so down on myself because one of my biggest peeves is being so nice, too nice, and it not getting you anywhere. To be honest, I was so patient with him. Too understanding. Other girls would have not lasted as long as I did. They would have move on. I stood by because I could see the good person he was, and I trusted what he said.

 

I am overly nice and caring, and I tried to what he calls "Handle" his life and sickness. I feel like I did it like a champ. I was concerned but not breathing down his neck. I also feel like a big problem was me wanting to please him and do what I think he would like and saying what I thought he would like to hear. Sometimes I would have to think a lot before I spoke and I would sensor what I would say as I was afraid he would get mad or not like me. I should have not done this and will not do it again in any future relationships. I need to be me. I need to not be afraid. For some reason when I talk to him I forget all logic and get so nervous about his reactions. But he liked me for me. I need to not assume what he will say or think, I need to do me.

 

But the point of this is, that I'm so unhappy because no matter what I do. I could treat people like god, they are still going to hurt you. It makes me question my personality as a whole. Like why even try and go out of my way to help people when they don't care. I am so down. I am rarely happy anymore, social media makes me sad. Seeing couples out makes me sad. I found something today from my box of college stuff and he had written on it....sad. I feel like my life is so good, but inside I can only feel like sad.

[Simon Phoenix]

Your mom means well, but her advice is bad. She wouldn't be the first parent to have bad advice on love -- mine have given me some bad advice in that area, and I love and value them to death. But sometimes the people who are closest to you have blinders on, just like you do, because they want to see you happy. Websites such as this are valuable because they give a neutral, third-person perspective and see things without the emotion that tends to skew things. And the posters on this site have been almost unanimous in telling you that you are deluding yourself. But you refuse to listen.

 

Maybe you should stop posting about him. Because you haven't improved. You still are rehashing past things that have absolutely no relevance to where things are right now. Replaying the past in your head and typing it on a computer screen isn't doing anything for you but keeping you in the same weird delusional state you've been in. Everything that happened and that was said before the break was made irrelevant at the break. SO STOP F--KING POSTING ABOUT IT!

 

As for NC, you need to do this desperately because you can't handle contact with him at all. You shouldn't stick around like a pathetic lost puppy -- that doesn't build attraction. You shouldn't be his emotional tampon as he talks about other girls. And you shouldn't go NC to hope to trick him into missing you. You need to go NC to evolve and move forward and get out of this ridiculous cycle you are in. If he misses you and wants to get back with you, he'll make it known. He already said that if he wants a woman, he'll fight for that woman. He's not fighting for you, so stop trying to do mental gymnastics. And if he does, don't respond until you are ready to. Hint: You aren't even on the same planet as being ready.

 

It's time to wake up.

Edited August 6, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Simon Phoenix]

I know. I want to believe my mom and she has so much logic about the situation. She said she truly isn't trying to console me, she is telling me what she thinks and she would tell anyone the same thing. I want to believe her. Then my best friend tells me a lot of criticism She hates him. . I think asking too many people has killed my brain. I have so many opinions and options that I get too confused and don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I feel like I wish I could have just had trust in him. I feel like my insecurity caused me to come on this sight and question everything he has done when I should have been confident in myself and him.

 

I am such a great person. I am so nice. I am patient and kind and understanding. People generally like me because of this. He did. I feel so down on myself because one of my biggest peeves is being so nice, too nice, and it not getting you anywhere. To be honest, I was so patient with him. Too understanding. Other girls would have not lasted as long as I did. They would have move on. I stood by because I could see the good person he was, and I trusted what he said.

 

I am overly nice and caring, and I tried to what he calls "Handle" his life and sickness. I feel like I did it like a champ. I was concerned but not breathing down his neck. I also feel like a big problem was me wanting to please him and do what I think he would like and saying what I thought he would like to hear. Sometimes I would have to think a lot before I spoke and I would sensor what I would say as I was afraid he would get mad or not like me. I should have not done this and will not do it again in any future relationships. I need to be me. I need to not be afraid. For some reason when I talk to him I forget all logic and get so nervous about his reactions. But he liked me for me. I need to not assume what he will say or think, I need to do me.

 

But the point of this is, that I'm so unhappy because no matter what I do. I could treat people like god, they are still going to hurt you. It makes me question my personality as a whole. Like why even try and go out of my way to help people when they don't care. I am so down. I am rarely happy anymore, social media makes me sad. Seeing couples out makes me sad. I found something today from my box of college stuff and he had written on it....sad. I feel like my life is so good, but inside I can only feel like sad.

 

Crossing out the irrelevant stuff. You don't need to change your personality, the right person will love your personality. You just need to stop holding on to something that is dead and buried and allow that right person to see you in your best light.

[amkxoxo]

Your mom means well, but her advice is bad. She wouldn't be the first parent to have bad advice on love -- mine have given me some bad advice in that area, and I love and value them to death. But sometimes the people who are closest to you have blinders on, just like you do, because they want to see you happy. Websites such as this are valuable because they give a neutral, third-person perspective and see things without the emotion that tends to skew things. And the posters on this site have been almost unanimous in telling you that you are deluding yourself. But you refuse to listen.

 

Maybe you should stop posting about him. Because you haven't improved. You still are rehashing past things that have absolutely no relevance to where things are right now. Replaying the past in your head and typing it on a computer screen isn't doing anything for you but keeping you in the same weird delusional state you've been in. Everything that happened and that was said before the break was made irrelevant at the break. SO STOP F--KING POSTING ABOUT IT!

 

As for NC, you need to do this desperately because you can't handle contact with him at all. You shouldn't stick around like a pathetic lost puppy -- that doesn't build attraction. You shouldn't be his emotional tampon as he talks about other girls. And you shouldn't go NC to hope to trick him into missing you. You need to go NC to evolve and move forward and get out of this ridiculous cycle you are in. If he misses you and wants to get back with you, he'll make it known. He already said that if he wants a woman, he'll fight for that woman. He's not fighting for you, so stop trying to do mental gymnastics. And if he does, don't respond until you are ready to. Hint: You aren't even on the same planet as being ready.

 

It's time to wake up.

 

Can I just ask...I thought I was ready for a relationship before I met him. I felt secure in myself an my life and wanted to share It with someone. I wasn't actively going out to pursue men but I was open to it and then he hit me. I feel like our relationship drained my self esteem and security, because I was so ready for a relationship and he wasn't. It makes me question if I was even ready for a relationship in the first place. You gave me the hint that "you aren't even on the same planet as being ready." I agree because I'm so hurt, lost, distrusting, and am not interested in being with a man right now. How will I know I'm ready?? How should I go about being good for a relationship? What if he wants me back and I go back to the way I was with him? How do I prepare myself for the relationship world? I am so inexperienced, but I know what a good relationship is and I have my morals about how I treat someone I like and things I like too. I am so shy with it because of my inexperience and I don't know how to initiate things. Everything is a learning experience for me and I feel like maybe guys don't want an inexperienced girl. I mean my guy liked it that I hadn't been around the block with many guys and that I hadn't slept with anyone because I hadn't met someone worthy yet. I feel like everything I thought I knew, I'm questioning. I just want to know for future reference in dealing with relationships.

Edited August 6, 2013 by amkxoxo

[Echo000]

wait. is this about a guy you dated for three months?

[amkxoxo]

Sorry don't know why this doubled...

Your mom means well, but her advice is bad. She wouldn't be the first parent to have bad advice on love -- mine have given me some bad advice in that area, and I love and value them to death. But sometimes the people who are closest to you have blinders on, just like you do, because they want to see you happy. Websites such as this are valuable because they give a neutral, third-person perspective and see things without the emotion that tends to skew things. And the posters on this site have been almost unanimous in telling you that you are deluding yourself. But you refuse to listen.

 

Maybe you should stop posting about him. Because you haven't improved. You still are rehashing past things that have absolutely no relevance to where things are right now. Replaying the past in your head and typing it on a computer screen isn't doing anything for you but keeping you in the same weird delusional state you've been in. Everything that happened and that was said before the break was made irrelevant at the break. SO STOP F--KING POSTING ABOUT IT!

 

As for NC, you need to do this desperately because you can't handle contact with him at all. You shouldn't stick around like a pathetic lost puppy -- that doesn't build attraction. You shouldn't be his emotional tampon as he talks about other girls. And you shouldn't go NC to hope to trick him into missing you. You need to go NC to evolve and move forward and get out of this ridiculous cycle you are in. If he misses you and wants to get back with you, he'll make it known. He already said that if he wants a woman, he'll fight for that woman. He's not fighting for you, so stop trying to do mental gymnastics. And if he does, don't respond until you are ready to. Hint: You aren't even on the same planet as being ready.

 

It's time to wake up.

 

Can I just ask...I thought I was ready for a relationship before I met him. I felt secure in myself an my life and wanted to share It with someone. I wasn't actively going out to pursue men but I was open to it and then he hit me. I feel like our relationship drained my self esteem and security, because I was so ready for a relationship and he wasn't. It makes me question if I was even ready for a relationship in the first place. You gave me the hint that "you aren't even on the same planet as being ready." I agree because I'm so hurt, lost, distrusting, and am not interested in being with a man right now. How will I know I'm ready?? How should I go about being good for a relationship? What if he wants me back and I go back to the way I was with him? How do I prepare myself for the relationship world?

 

I am so inexperienced, but I know what a good relationship is and I have my morals about how I treat someone I like and things I like too. I am so shy with it because of my inexperience and I don't know how to initiate things. I don't know how to take affection sometimes or how to handle people doing something for me, like I feel like I don't know how to act because its new for me so sometimes they take it as me being passive. Or sometimes I think that my body language says it all and I don't have to say anything to make my feelings clear or my affection known. Everything is a learning experience for me and I feel like maybe guys don't want an inexperienced girl. I mean my guy liked it that I hadn't been around the block with many guys and that I hadn't slept with anyone because I hadn't met someone worthy yet. I feel like everything I thought I knew, I'm questioning. I just want to know for future reference in dealing with relationships.

[Simon Phoenix]

Can I just ask...I thought I was ready for a relationship before I met him. I felt secure in myself an my life and wanted to share It with someone. I wasn't actively going out to pursue men but I was open to it and then he hit me. I feel like our relationship drained my self esteem and security, because I was so ready for a relationship and he wasn't. It makes me question if I was even ready for a relationship in the first place. You gave me the hint that "you aren't even on the same planet as being ready." I agree because I'm so hurt, lost, distrusting, and am not interested in being with a man right now. How will I know I'm ready?? How should I go about being good for a relationship? What if he wants me back and I go back to the way I was with him? How do I prepare myself for the relationship world? I am so inexperienced, but I know what a good relationship is and I have my morals about how I treat someone I like and things I like too. I am so shy with it because of my inexperience and I don't know how to initiate things. Everything is a learning experience for me and I feel like maybe guys don't want an inexperienced girl. I mean my guy liked it that I hadn't been around the block with many guys and that I hadn't slept with anyone because I hadn't met someone worthy yet. I feel like everything I thought I knew, I'm questioning. I just want to know for future reference in dealing with relationships.

 

I said you weren't close to being ready to talk to him, not to men in general. You need to stop thinking of things in terms of him. He's gone. Kaput. Over. Stop holding a candle for this guy.

 

Don't worry about future relationships and whether you are ready. You have to move out of your cycle with this guy first.

Edited August 6, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[amkxoxo]

Okay. I'm going to try and as you call it "disappear". Thing is....what if he calls me? Should I answer? I don't mind answering, but I just don't want to go out of my way to have contact with him??

[Carenth]

You don't answer. Not until you can answer without thinking about getting back together with him. Which you are no way near.

[TaraMaiden]

Okay. I'm going to try and as you call it "disappear". Thing is....what if he calls me? Should I answer? I don't mind answering, but I just don't want to go out of my way to have contact with him??

 

Never answer him, ever again, under any circumstances, in whichever way he tries to contact you (directly or via others.) Block him off completely, go No Contact.

 

Read the no Contact Guide in my thread, and stick to it.

 

I hope that's a clear enough answer to your question.

[NoLeafClover]

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have gone out of our way and done things for our ex's and held things back from saying because they might not like it.

 

You should stop being so hard on yourself and give it a bit of time.

 

 

Also, anytime parents get involved is never a good thing. It always makes things harder in the long run if you two end up getting back together. No matter what advice your mom/sister gave you... Chances are they will get sick of you two getting back together and another fight occurs.

Edited August 6, 2013 by NoLeafClover

[amkxoxo]

Thank You very much. I am on my way to coping more with my life and the situation. I hate that I feel this way but I do want to put it behind me and focus on all the greatness that is in store for my future. I am a great catch and hopefully someone else will see that. I feel horrible because I did a similar thing to a guy friend of mine years ago. We dated and I wasn't ready for a relationship so I dumped him. I feel horrible now because this must be how he felt. And he still was my friend after and he is still my friend now. Like I wouldn't have wanted to be around me. The poor guy. I am trying to sell my concert tickets now so that I can use the money for things I need.