NC is suppose to be better right??

[amkxoxo]

We called things off just for now because he needs to get his life and mind in a better place and he had just gotten out of a serious relationship before he met me, and isn't ready to jump back in. I respected this, but it also hurt me badly. We said we would continue to talk, so I have called him once, and he called me right back and we chatted for a bit. Sometimes he'll get really sick for weeks at a time with no communication. My philosophy in this was to give him space and move on and better my life. I was not going to go out of my way to contact him, if he contacted me then we would talk, and I was going to contact him just once in a while, if he reciprocated every once in a while too.

 

Well its been almost a month since that last call. He's been missing on social media too. I started getting concerned. Usually when he's missing form social media he is sick and in the hospital. We live 3 hours from each other and I was going to be in his area for work a week ago. I put it up on social media a ton where I was going to be in hopes he would see and contact me. The fact that he hasn't been active on it shows me he probably didn't see my posts.

 

I finally gave in and called him when I was working because I had down time and wanted to see if he was okay since I was in his neck of the woods. He didn't answer and I sent a text saying I was calling to see how he was and hoping he was okay. Now usually he calls back within a day of my call. Its been a week and nothing, no call, no text, no facebook, no twitter. nothing.

 

Like at first the no contact was kind of nice. I started focusing more on myself, and gaining more self esteem, by making decisions on my own without thinking of him constantly. I moved on a little. I started coming to terms with the fact that we can't be together and there is nothing I could have done. I was healing a slight bit. But now I feel like the longer he is missing the more its torturing me. These last few days he plagues my life. I'm worried about him, and I care so much about him. NC is suppose to feel better but I am reverting back to how I was when we ended things??? Help Pleaseeee........

[Simon Phoenix]

Trying to contact him didn't really help. The fact that he hasn't responded to you has you feeling down, which is why YOU DON'T BREAK NO CONTACT!! I mean, you can't say that NC isn't working when you won't actually see it through. It's tough, it sucks, but it's for the best. You aren't going NC if you are checking his social media or if you are calling. NC means no contact of any kind whatsoever, no snooping on Facebook, Twitter, etc. You haven't actually tried it yet. You have to actually to go No Contact before you talk about how effective or ineffective it is.

[amkxoxo]

Well we never agreed to go no contact...we both agreed to still talk and I want to still talk to him. But this last month of no contact has been good until recently. At the beginning I wasn't really checking his social media or wanting to contact him. I was giving him the space I think he needs right now. I was okay not hearing from him. I would go out with my friends and not even think about him the whole time. This was progress for me. I felt a little happier.

 

This last week or so I don't know if its because I was closer to where he lives for work or what but I miss him so so much. I feel like I took 3 steps forward and 4 back. I feel like I was doing okay and getting stronger and suddenly it hit me and I went back to the depressed hole I was in before. I want to cry all the time. I get angry so quickly at the stupidest things. I miss him and I care for him and I am worried about him because he has to be sick that's the only explanation for him being missing for this long.

 

I'm wondering if its because I have been spending more time with my cousins. All three of them have awesome boyfriends/ girlfriends they are with. My guy cousins go out of there way to do amazing nice things for their girlfriends. And when they aren't with them they are talking about them. My girl cousin has been with the same guy for years and they are probably going to be engaged soon . I want all of this and I can't have it. I misssss him. I just want to be happy and I'm g going on vacation next week somewhere beachy and I love the beach, I don't want to be down the whole time I'm there. My guy loves the beach too .....wahhhhhh

[Simon Phoenix]

You are still overthinking. And unfortunately, recovery isn't a linear process. It's full of ups and downs. But you can't just give in and start doing stupid stuff during your downs -- it'll make it that much worse. It's a crappy process, but it's something you have to do. You can't cave or you'll stay stagnant at the same stage. And stop overanalyzing.

[thompkevin]

There is no specific order these emotions come and go with. It's possible that you take two step forward and go back one step during no contact. But that's OK. It happens to all of us. Just keep at it and give yourself time to process all the emotions.

[amkxoxo]

I know. I'm trying. I just wished I could wake up and be happier. I literally can't. Nothing in my life makes me happy anymore. Sometimes food for a short while, and buying stuff at the mall makes me happy for a few hours. It seems like at first I was fine, but now the longer he's missing the more upset I am. Like I don't know if its I'm so worried that he is really sick, or if is more a mental thing of me kicking myself that he hasn't contacted me. Like I realize he isn't avoiding me because he hasn't been able to even send out a quick tweet on twitter, let alone be calling people. I just feel like I might never talk to him again, and I don't want that.

 

There was one other time in my life that I had to get over someone. The only thing that did it was that he went abroad and he wasn't around for a good year or so. My eyes like opened to all new people out there, and I didn't go out like dating but I just realized there was more to life than him, and people much better than him out there, even if I didn't want to date them. I'm just so sad because I feel like I lost a lot of friends through this whole process of being with this guy. My roommate and I were on the rocks before I started seeing him, and that just like ruined our friendship, but it was mostly her being a backstabber and picking sides against me. My other roommate and I are mending things now and I think we'll be fine.

 

My best friend has been with me through the whole thing and I appreciate her now more than ever. My best guy friend I think I relied on too much at school when I had ups and downs with my guy and I think I unknowingly drove him away. I was too needy and I was always only coming to him for boy problems. He did help me every time, which I appreciate, but I think I might have hurt him. And of course my friend who had originally dated him, I definitely think I lost her friendship and her roommates friendship too. I feel like when I go back to school I have like no one. Life sucks.

[amkxoxo]

So I'm on vacation and doing really well. Wearing my bikini and I'm so glad I did. I definitely want to tone more but otherwise life is pretty good. I am getting more confident and I think this trip has opened my eyes that I don't need him to have a good time. I am having a nice time by myself and with my family.

 

I haven't heard from him in a month and he's been missing from all social media outlets. Well last night I went to go to bed and I put my phone on silent and on the floor. I was laying there trying to sleep and for some reason I grabbed my phone and was looking at the blank screen. I just felt like I should for some odd reason. Well suddenly the blank screen came to life and his name popped up. He was calling me. I jumped up with shock and awe and answered it.

 

He said he was calling to tell me that he was okay, and alive, and that he has been severely sick in the hospital for almost a month. He just got out. He said he was so grateful that I was so calm and collected and understanding. Because I was. I asked him "why wouldn't I be?" and he said that he texted his ex telling her he was okay because she had tried to text him. He said that she was mean and mad at him. He called her trying to clarify things and she was not nice to him. He said that she was angry he didn't answer her messages and he should have told her where he was and that he was sick. Then he was mad at her because he doesn't owe her anything she broke up with him. I said this to him too. He doesn't owe her anything because she is moved on with someone else. She told him that they had a 9 month relationship and that they were close and he should let her know when he's sick. He challenged her back saying that he had been with other girls in the past longer than her and he doesn't call them telling them his status in life because they are over.

 

He vented all this to me, because I think she holds him by a string. I told him to stop throwing her a line, and he said he doesn't and wants to distance himself from her and maybe its not a good idea that they are friends and I told him I agree. He told me that when they broke up they did the whole friends thing and she told him that she felt like she couldn't be happy with him around because she had so much going for her like a good job, a car, school, and internship, and friends, and he is struggling. I told him that he shouldn't want or have anyone in his life that doesn't support him, and should want someone who supports his life no matter how it is at the time.

 

I think he regrets a lot with her. He told me when they first started dating he asked her if she thought there was anything he could change on himself. She made him a list of things he could change with himself. I thought this was ridiculous and asked him why he wanted to be with someone who wanted him to change himself. He said "Yeah I wish I saw that then." I told him that I would never do that even if he asked. He asked me why?? I told him because it isn't my place. If you think you need to change something with yourself than that is with you and yourself to do. Unless if directly affects me I wouldn't say anything, and you should want to be with someone who likes you, doesn't want all things to change with you.

 

We talked for two hours and were joking around and laughing like old times. He kept saying over and over throughout that he was still so shocked that I wasn't mad or snippy with him, and how nice and understanding I was. I told him that I figured if he could call he would. When I didn't hear from him, I figured he would call when he could and something must have been up. He was appreciative and I think surprised by me.

 

We were talking like back when we were dating, it was so nice. At one point I said something and he said "There it is again. Your perfect." and I was like "what??" and he was like "You don't realize how perfect you are. You do all the right things. If I could give attributes to other people most of them would be from you." I was taken back by this, he used to say that when we were together. I kept things light and laughable by saying "well I try." and he sent back "No you don't I think its naturally who you are. you're a good person."

 

At another point in the conversation he said something I couldn't make out because it was muffled. It sounded like "fjewfnkj 'flirting' dwjds fjwknfdksnf" I asked him what he said again and he said never mind. It sounded to me like "I was trying to be flirting back to you."

 

He was so happy for me that I was doing well and was happy and he was super happy for me that I was on vacation. He would ask me questions and I him. I am trying not to get super excited by this. I am holding my expectations super low for him and if he rises up and surpasses them then maybe things could go somewhere. I'm trying to just keep him at arms length in my heart. When I woke up and told my mom everything she said "I think he loves you, it really just isn't good time. See he's been sick for a month." I hope she's right but I'm not holding my breath.

[daftpunk]

"NC" is just giving up and forgetting about them. That means no looking at FB, no texting, no nothing.

 

It plays to the malleability of the human brain. At the end of the day, we're all exactly the same pathetic biological machine. If you don't trouble yourself with your ex's memory, I can assure you that your feelings and memories will begin to fade.

 

It's almost sad.

[reddragon588]

NC is better- trust me! However, that doesn't mean it extremely hard at first. Think of your ex as a drug. Going NC is like going cold turkey. It's going to be hard at first! But eventually it will work out. It gives you the win-win. If you go NC and he realizes that he misses you and wants to be with you, you will not only have a chance to rekindle the relationship, but you will have the chance knowing that he is fully committed. But he can only realizes that he misses you if you take yourself completely out of his life. Otherwise he can't see how big of a part of his life you were.

 

On the other hand, if you go NC and he does not respond to you, you will know it is completely over! And you can move on! And I know that you, just like everyone else, doesn't want to feel these negative emotions of pain! And you can only heal yourself if you are NC and focusing on YOU. Be selfish and work on yourself- your emotions, your goals and your dreams! NC allows you to focus on you and takes attention away from your ex and letting you move forward.

 

Breaking up is a process and it is a healing process. But if you stay in contact, it will only be a roller coaster ride of emotions of high and low like you have described in this thread. Going NC may cause you to hit a lower low for a bit, but with time and effort it will even out into a higher natural high that is sustained.

 

I'm struggling with the same things as you right now, having been dumped by my ex-gf only 2 months ago. But NC has helped me tremendously. The first month was extremely difficult, and even the first month and a half, but I can say that with time it is getting better and better.

Edited August 2, 2013 by reddragon588

[amkxoxo]

I'm not happy to know you feel.my pain but its nice to know others out there understand. The thing is since he was sick I hadn't talked to him in a month and I was doing so much better. I was worried for him but I was mentally getting stronger and more independent as time went on. I want to talk to him but his phone call sent me for a loop of happy and sad. I'm so confused about what I feel. I'm so happy he is okay and I still care about him tremendously but at the same time him venting about his ex and talking about other girls from the past that he was with makes me sad and the little bit of flirting makes me angry too...like do you like me duse or not?? He says he does but its the timing more than anything.

 

My mom knows the whole story and she thinks he really does like me and he really can't give me all he can right now. I mean he was sick for a month with no communication...that wouldn't have been a relationship. He has said it to me. I just feel like I cannot be just a friend. I love him more than that. I think after his last relationship where she suddenly dumped him for greener pastures, I question if he wants to make sure I won't do the same. I figure he thinks if I find someone else than I didn't like him enough. Which just isn't true. This guy is the first guy I have cared for so super deeply it hurts. I just want him to be healthy and get his life together and hopefully realize he is good for me and I for him.

[creighton0123]

Trust me on this. Breaking no contact when the wound of a breakup hasn't fully healed is like essentially ripping off the bandage and opening the wound up all over again.

 

In my experience, six months out of my BU, two things that resulted in the sensation that we just broke up a few days ago:

 

Looking at his friend's facebook profile.

Receiving a call from him asking to meet up.

Finding his twitter account and, as a result, a new dating interest of his.

 

I'm in a new relationship now that is, well, relatively new. NC, I can tell you, is definitely the best way to go.

 

This is, of course, for more simple breakups, where one person leaves another in a clear and definitive "it's over" manner.

[Pure Life]

I'm not quite sure I understand the whole "I think his ex holds him by a string" thing. She is an ex...why is he still connecting with her if he feels she is causing nothing but issues? He has no reason he'd need to constantly update her on his life like she says. Step away from the clinger! It just seems like she's adding unnecessary stress that can easily be rid of if he just stops talking to her.

 

I also agree, do not break the contact! I haven't talked to my ex in about 6 months and it's still tough for me. But I know that it will make it worse if you break it. It will give him the time he needs to "figure things out" like he said (why do people even say that?)

[amkxoxo]

He wanted to be her friend after she broke up with him. He isn't friends with many of his ex's and he sees people do it all the time and I think he didn't want to cut her out of his life. He is always complaining that she doesn't contact him in weeks and when she does she acts like she cares so much about him etc etc...it irritates him because if she cared so much she would contact him a lot more than that. He told me that when they were doing the whole friends thing that they would hang out and she would be on her phone the whole time and sending tweets and snap charting and texting her new guy she's dating. But he hangs with her everytime . He needs to stop. I think she knows he likes her and sometimes when uses it to her advantage. At school she wanted to go out and parry the night before she had to move out of her dorm so she convinced him to help her move out the next morning and move all her stuff so she could enjoy her night. He went running because she told him they could hand out one last time etc etc...and he told me he probably wouldn't see her again.

 

He saw her once during the summer and they fought because he was sick. She threatened to call his parents and tell them how sick he's been....he was trying to hide it from them. He got mad at her because they aren't together and she has no right to but into his personal all life. Again he continue s to talk to her. I hope this is a learning experience for him because he said non then phone that he thinks it isn't a good idea that they aren't friends anymore. I told him he owes her nothing and he should distance himself. I hope he figures things out...and yes I hate that. If. you don't wanna be with me ever just say it. I have even called Him out on it and he won't say it and claims he does like me but can't give me what I deserve right now and he wants to be a great boyfriend for me. All I can do is trust him and go about my life. What if he contacts me....should I reciprocate?? What if he shows up at my school to visit his friends or me...should I initiate contact??

[Simon Phoenix]

No. This guy does not want what you want, so do not interact with him and further torture yourself. He turns you into a spastic mess every time he interacts with you.

[cavalier99]

He just wants to use you as an emotional tampon. Stay NC. I find it ridiculous that you would sit and listen to him about his ex. I mean i listen to my ex about her realtionship now and dont care but i needed over 7 months pure pure NC and a new RS to be able to even consider talking to her. You are just stagnating your healing by talking with him. Cav

[flitzanu]

wait, so you told him that his ex has him dangling by a string and that he doesn't owe her anything...

 

and he has YOU dangling by a string, and broke up with you, and doesn't owe you anything.

 

you didn't realize that part when you were giving him advice that you're in the exact same situation?

[amkxoxo]

I realize this but his ex was being mean to him and told him almost that she is obligated to know about his life. I am not requesting him to call me or tell me anything. I like it when he does. I was nice to him because I wasn't mad at him. I didn't push him to call me or tell me anything he just did and I acted like the supportive person I am. He doesn't owe her anything and we aren't together right now not because he doesn't like me and want to be with me. There are so many factors one being his health, long distance, he has no job yet, and the fact that he obviously has unresolved issues with his ex and I think he is afraid and not ready to jump back into a serious relationship with someone right away.

 

Truly I think he wishes he met me at a better time, because he always says little things to me that lead me to believe he thinks im so perfect for him and he almost can't believe I am interested in him. They say we accept the love we think we deserve. That whole her making a list of things for him to change about himself because he wanted to know is freaky to me. And I know him well enough now to know he probably tried to change all of them. My philosophy is, if I keep calling you and making time for you, and coming around...then I like you how you are, not change you. I like him for him.

 

The sad part is that he will tell me a horrible story about his ex then if I say something about it, he goes all "well I respect her", but then will call her a bitch. He can't make up his mind. He has told me that he realizes she didn't treat him the best, but he needs to move on. He was sad when she didn't make a big deal of his birthday, this was right after she broke up with him....like she doesn't have to she's not your girlfriend.

 

When we were dating he used to talk a lot about this girl that he dated in high school for a long time. He would tell me things they did together, sometimes he would even hint to things that they did sexually together. Like he told me how he planned out and spent lots of money setting up this super romantic night for him and her, because she was a virgin and he wanted it to be wonderful for her. All the stuff he did was so sweet. The plan ended up going totally wrong, but anyway he told me because he wanted to do something like that for me, because I deserved it, and that was one of his arguments about why we shouldn't jump into a relationship was because he wanted to do stuff like that for me and he cant right now. emotionally and financially he cant do it, and he thinks I deserve that and more.

 

he says he feels bad he always brings ex's up, but he didn't have a lot of friends and they were such big parts of his life this way. Freaky enough the girl from high school and I have like the same face. We look like twins. I sometimes sit and question if he has looked at me and been like wow its her.

 

I have been a lot stronger since we decided not to pursue a relationship. I don't really have plans to contact him, but if he contacts me I wont deny him. I used to let him talk about his ex's because I knew its a big part of his life and it seems like he doesn't have a lot of people to talk to, so he liked it that I listened to him and took an interest. He doesn't share a lot with his family so they aren't the most supportive people he confides in. I use this site as more of an outlet for my feelings for the day, like a journal, than I do asking questions. Sometimes its nice just to have people listen and comment. I don't plan on contacting him anytime soon, just let time pass and see what happens.

[Archanaart]

I use this site as more of an outlet for my feelings for the day, like a journal, than I do asking questions. Sometimes its nice just to have people listen and comment. I don't plan on contacting him anytime soon, just let time pass and see what happens.

 

Start a blog or use the journal entry option on LS.

[Simon Phoenix]

I realize this but his ex was being mean to him and told him almost that she is obligated to know about his life. I am not requesting him to call me or tell me anything. I like it when he does. I was nice to him because I wasn't mad at him. I didn't push him to call me or tell me anything he just did and I acted like the supportive person I am. He doesn't owe her anything and we aren't together right now not because he doesn't like me and want to be with me. There are so many factors one being his health, long distance, he has no job yet, and the fact that he obviously has unresolved issues with his ex and I think he is afraid and not ready to jump back into a serious relationship with someone right away.

 

Truly I think he wishes he met me at a better time, because he always says little things to me that lead me to believe he thinks im so perfect for him and he almost can't believe I am interested in him. They say we accept the love we think we deserve. That whole her making a list of things for him to change about himself because he wanted to know is freaky to me. And I know him well enough now to know he probably tried to change all of them. My philosophy is, if I keep calling you and making time for you, and coming around...then I like you how you are, not change you. I like him for him.

 

The sad part is that he will tell me a horrible story about his ex then if I say something about it, he goes all "well I respect her", but then will call her a bitch. He can't make up his mind. He has told me that he realizes she didn't treat him the best, but he needs to move on. He was sad when she didn't make a big deal of his birthday, this was right after she broke up with him....like she doesn't have to she's not your girlfriend.

 

When we were dating he used to talk a lot about this girl that he dated in high school for a long time. He would tell me things they did together, sometimes he would even hint to things that they did sexually together. Like he told me how he planned out and spent lots of money setting up this super romantic night for him and her, because she was a virgin and he wanted it to be wonderful for her. All the stuff he did was so sweet. The plan ended up going totally wrong, but anyway he told me because he wanted to do something like that for me, because I deserved it, and that was one of his arguments about why we shouldn't jump into a relationship was because he wanted to do stuff like that for me and he cant right now. emotionally and financially he cant do it, and he thinks I deserve that and more.

 

he says he feels bad he always brings ex's up, but he didn't have a lot of friends and they were such big parts of his life this way. Freaky enough the girl from high school and I have like the same face. We look like twins. I sometimes sit and question if he has looked at me and been like wow its her.

 

I have been a lot stronger since we decided not to pursue a relationship. I don't really have plans to contact him, but if he contacts me I wont deny him. I used to let him talk about his ex's because I knew its a big part of his life and it seems like he doesn't have a lot of people to talk to, so he liked it that I listened to him and took an interest. He doesn't share a lot with his family so they aren't the most supportive people he confides in. I use this site as more of an outlet for my feelings for the day, like a journal, than I do asking questions. Sometimes its nice just to have people listen and comment. I don't plan on contacting him anytime soon, just let time pass and see what happens.

 

Holy rehash Batman.

[crederer]

It gets better for the most part. Still days where all I want to do is break it. But the first week felt like an eternity. Second week felt long too. Then the next thing you know weeks and months go by in a blink of an eye.

[amkxoxo]

Yeah exactly...it was a month when he called and it went by so fast. When he called it feels like we talked the day before. It was natural and we were ourselves. But now I'm back to step one its been 4 days and it feels like forever.I feel like breaking it all the time. But I. Trying to be strong. If he continues to call every once and a while then I will talk to him but I'm not going to try and talk to him myself!! I feel like after a long time of him just contacting me and me not contacting him he might not try anymore...idk it scares me to think of giving up. I mean he called me the other day because he wanted to talk to me. He obviously still wants me around. Idkkkk he was so nice on the phone and idkk I just don't want to believe that he lied to me or is manipulative in any way because deep down I don't believe he is. I don't think he is using me. You guys don't know what a good guy he is. I know him. Im moving on though I swear. I'm important and need to take care of myself!

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah exactly...it was a month when he called and it went by so fast. When he called it feels like we talked the day before. It was natural and we were ourselves. But now I'm back to step one its been 4 days and it feels like forever.I feel like breaking it all the time. But I. Trying to be strong. If he continues to call every once and a while then I will talk to him but I'm not going to try and talk to him myself!! I feel like after a long time of him just contacting me and me not contacting him he might not try anymore...idk it scares me to think of giving up. I mean he called me the other day because he wanted to talk to me. He obviously still wants me around. Idkkkk he was so nice on the phone and idkk I just don't want to believe that he lied to me or is manipulative in any way because deep down I don't believe he is. I don't think he is using me. You guys don't know what a good guy he is. I know him. Im moving on though I swear. I'm important and need to take care of myself!

 

He's not necessarily using you, he's just not nearly as into you as you are into him. You are his platonic friend.

[cavalier99]

Of couse he wants you around to vent too and maybe as a backup option. He isnt purposly manipulative. It just works out that way. He isnt invested emotionally so it isnt a big deal talking to you. For you it is a setback. Unfortunatley that is the inverse realtionship after a BU between the dumper and dumpee. He feels better having you in his life you feel worse. Thus NC until your 1000 percent over it and can do the same to him. Meaning talk to him without caring emotioanlly. Cav

[amkxoxo]

I don't know about you but I don't kiss my platonic friends, or sleep in their beds or make them dinner and console them when they had a rough team practice....he did all those things. He admits that he could have done more and wants to do morke for me but feels he can't right now. He has told me that I'm so perfect so many times...and the way he used look at me and say it was like he was in awe of me or something like he couldn't believe what a fantastic girl I was. That doesn't sound platonic to me. He has told me that I'm so his type and or as he puts it " unlike your friend who was red I'm looking for blue and your definitely blue." Sounds super friend like...I don't think so.

Edited August 4, 2013 by amkxoxo

[TaraMaiden]

This is the same bloke, right?

You're just re-hashing again, but in a different thread, right?

So you've abandoned the other thread, because it's told you things you don't want to hear, but you're resuming all this goddamn, blasted, re-hashing here?

 

Ok, got it.