Preparing to move to be with my partner, but parents disagree.

July 24, 2013

Here's our story:

I am 24 years old and my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a year now. We met online; he lives in Canada, and I live in Wisconsin while I finish up school. Before we met for the first time, Kyle and I talked for about 6 months and really got to know one another. It was nice because we connected on a emotional level like I have never had before with anyone else. Because we were not physically together, and still had never met we really learned a lot about one another. We eventually met and it was love. Since then I have gone back to Canada three times to visit, and he has been to the states and stated with me for two months.

We have talked multiple times about wanting to be together and wishing that we were closer to one another while I finish school, but graduating with my degree is important to me, and I do want to finish college. I have about 2.5 years left, which isnt too horrible...but being away from him for another 2 years really just stinks, and is hard. While having these talks, we have decided that I would be the one to sacrifice and move to Canada and I am willing to do that to be with him.

My school offers a distance learning program for students who do not live within 60 miles of campus or if you move ect. I brought the idea up to Kyle about staying here in Wisconsin for this year and doing the two semesters, and then possibly moving next August to be with him, and doing my last year of courses online through the distance learning program that is offered. We talked it over, and its something we both want to do. I would still be finishing my degree, but could still be with him.

Now, the negative feelings I am having...My mother is very supportive of this idea. She knows how much we care for one another, and knows how much I want to be with him. My father and step mom on the other hand are very judge mental, and I know will have lots of things to say if I bring this idea up. They have obviously met Kyle, and get along with him great and really enjoy being around him, I just know that they are going to have things to say about me being the one to move, not to mention moving to a new country where I will basically be starting over, and not staying put to finish school. I totally understand where they are coming from, but I just need to stand up to them.

I guess I am just looking for advice to help tell them about this idea, and how to handle their judgement.

July 24, 2013

All I can say is, I hope they are supportive.

Edited August 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 24, 2013

Sorry to hear about that.

I don't think you necessarily need their approval, though? You're an adult, and this is a good time to learn to assert your own decisions. Simply tell them, then weigh their opinions - if there is logical reason in them, then consider them; if borne out of judgment, discard them.

When I was close to your age, I moved to another country, partly for my relationship, too (although I had already graduated, and there were other reasons for moving as well). Both of my parents disagreed with me going. We've been together here for a few years now, and I've never regretted that decision. Even if we were to not work out in the future, I would still want to remain here.

Are there any other advantages/disadvantages of you moving to your bf's place? What do you think of Canada, from your visits? If it were not for him, would you still want to go? How well do you think you cope with distance learning?

You don't necessarily need to answer all of the above here, but IMO you should be asking yourself such questions first and foremost, rather than thinking primarily about your parents' reaction. I know it's hard, but IMO those are the more important things by far.

Good luck, hope things work out for you.

July 24, 2013

Thanks for the input! I guess I worry about their approval because it seems like they are always judging what I do..whether it be who I have dated, to my job, to my choice in degree with school.

As far as Canada goes, my visits there have been great and I have started to love the country, and I believe that Canada has some benefits over the US. Honestly, the only disadvantages for me moving there is being away from my family, but I have become close with his family so I will have their support and do get along great with them. As far as the distance learning goes, I am completely ok with it. I have taken multiple online classes, varying in different areas of school and have had no problems whatsoever.

Edited July 24, 2013 by Deeds510

July 25, 2013

We're in similar situations, but reversed. My SO is American. Luckily for me, my parents are both extremely supportive and they really love him. We knew from the beginning of our relationship that I would be the one to move. It is easier for you to get a temporary work visa in Canada then it is for someone to get a work visa in the states. I also have a business here and a lot of roots (real estate, my career etc). We discussed it in the beginning that I have too much to give up here without any commitment (engagement/plans to get married). So we didn't start planning the move until we knew we wanted to get married. Now that we know when, we've started organizing the logistics to close the gap. Your parents may be nervous that you're moving to a different country just for "some boy". I know that sounds harsh, but think about where they're coming from and them wanting to protect you. It would definitely bother me if my parents didn't support my decision or my relationship. Although I'm blessed with great parents, I've learned to shut out the noise from the negative naysayers that have opinions about LDR.

The fact you want their approval means that you really care that they support your decision. Why? because you love them and they are your parents. It hurts when they don't understand or they judge you for making a decision. I want to remind you that it'll be very difficult for them to see you go. My parents, although very supportive, have their moments. I am very close to my mom and although she's happy that I've found the one who's right for me, it's also very bittersweet for her to think she can't just call me and plan a spontaneous dinner or date. I think folding your parents in as you plan your move will make them see that you're not just up and leaving and that you both are thinking long and hard about it.

Edited July 25, 2013 by CherryT

July 25, 2013

Thanks for the input! I guess I worry about their approval because it seems like they are always judging what I do..whether it be who I have dated, to my job, to my choice in degree with school.

I understand this completely. I do think that 24 is a good time to start making decisions without needing their approval, though. Don't get me wrong - I completely agree with CherryT's suggestion of talking to them and listening to what they have to say. And I do hope that they end up being supportive. But hoping for support, and feeling like you need their approval, are quite different things.

As far as Canada goes, my visits there have been great and I have started to love the country, and I believe that Canada has some benefits over the US. Honestly, the only disadvantages for me moving there is being away from my family, but I have become close with his family so I will have their support and do get along great with them. As far as the distance learning goes, I am completely ok with it. I have taken multiple online classes, varying in different areas of school and have had no problems whatsoever.

In that case, I think this would be a good experience for you, regardless of how your R turns out (although I hope that that works out too ). I've found it invaluable to experience different cultures and places, and I think you might, too.

Worst come to worst, you could probably just move back after the year is over, no? I don't see much drawback here.

July 25, 2013

I understand this completely. I do think that 24 is a good time to start making decisions without needing their approval, though. Don't get me wrong - I completely agree with CherryT's suggestion of talking to them and listening to what they have to say. And I do hope that they end up being supportive. But hoping for support, and feeling like you need their approval, are quite different things.

Oh, definitely do not wait for their approval. I meant if you just wait (in fear that they will disapprove) until you're about to go before telling your dad and step mom, you didn't give them a chance to be supportive. If you know there's a bit of time before you can actually make it happen, bringing them in the fold helps them let you go. Hopefully they will eventually become supportive because they become a part of the transition.

July 25, 2013

As someone from Wisconsin who has been in LDRs, and who has had one work out (after more than five years of LDR), I agree with your parents. Finish your schooling, get to know him better (you've only known him in real life for six months), and THEN see if you want to uproot your entire life.

From an awful lot of personal experience, I think it's a very bad idea to sacrifice anything for a relationship, especially something as important as your education.

If you two are going to last through much more difficult things, then you can last through an LDR for a couple of years. Or he can come to you.

July 25, 2013

I just want to warn you that Zappos does not ship to Canada. I think that is very important to consider when you make your decision to move there.

No, but seriously, if you can find a way to get there legally and work, Canada is probably one of the easier places to transition to from the U.S. But, there are definitely differences -- primarily in what goods are available over there that you may be used to having in the US. (My boyfriend is Canadian, but he lives in the U.S.)

I think you do need to strongly think about what you may be giving up by going there at the start of your career as far as work experience (not as many job options as in the U.S.). Will your chosen career even transition to another country easily when you don't have any experience? Excluding Kyle from the equation, were you planning on staying in Wisconsin, right by your parents? If you were planning on moving somewhere else for your career, it really makes no difference if that is Canada or somewhere else in the U.S. Maybe you can fly that by your father and stepmother. Canada is hardly the other side of the world or anything.

July 26, 2013

I am from Minneapolis Minnesota, and my parents live there. I moved out to Wisconsin three years ago for school, so I do not even live near my parents. I pay my own rent, pay for my own bills, and work full time and go to school. As far as me "sacrificing school"- I dont think I am doing that. I will still be finishing up my degree, in the same amount of time, just the last year of my college education will be online.

I am honestly not too concerned about finding work in Canada when I am legal to work there. I have 6 years experience with early childhood education, and have worked with children from infants, up to high schools with special needs. So, even if I landed a job at a local daycare in my boyfriends town while I search for a new career after I get my degree, I would be ok with because it would be some form of money coming in.

I talked to my dad today about it- and he said "thats cool." Ill probably be seeing him this weekend since I have to travel back to the twin cities, so we plan on talking more about it then.

July 26, 2013

Here's our story:
I am 24 years old and my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a year now. We met online; he lives in Canada, and I live in Wisconsin while I finish up school. Before we met for the first time, Kyle and I talked for about 6 months and really got to know one another. It was nice because we connected on a emotional level like I have never had before with anyone else. Because we were not physically together, and still had never met we really learned a lot about one another. We eventually met and it was love. Since then I have gone back to Canada three times to visit, and he has been to the states and stated with me for two months.

We have talked multiple times about wanting to be together and wishing that we were closer to one another while I finish school, but graduating with my degree is important to me, and I do want to finish college. I have about 2.5 years left, which isnt too horrible...but being away from him for another 2 years really just stinks, and is hard. While having these talks, we have decided that I would be the one to sacrifice and move to Canada and I am willing to do that to be with him.

My school offers a distance learning program for students who do not live within 60 miles of campus or if you move ect. I brought the idea up to Kyle about staying here in Wisconsin for this year and doing the two semesters, and then possibly moving next August to be with him, and doing my last year of courses online through the distance learning program that is offered. We talked it over, and its something we both want to do. I would still be finishing my degree, but could still be with him.

Now, the negative feelings I am having...My mother is very supportive of this idea. She knows how much we care for one another, and knows how much I want to be with him. My father and step mom on the other hand are very judge mental, and I know will have lots of things to say if I bring this idea up. They have obviously met Kyle, and get along with him great and really enjoy being around him, I just know that they are going to have things to say about me being the one to move, not to mention moving to a new country where I will basically be starting over, and not staying put to finish school. I totally understand where they are coming from, but I just need to stand up to them.

I guess I am just looking for advice to help tell them about this idea, and how to handle their judgement.

WOW!!!

I love the seeming level-headedness in you.

You understand fully the way that the internet and all of its trappings enhanced your ability to bond with one another in ways just not likely when randomly encountering one another in person, and then (stumbling through the early hit-or-miss interactions) {where each plus or minus incident is really over-emphasized in one direction or the other}.

You also seem to be true to your values and priorities, and that, too, is something so often thrown out the window in cases of love sweeping two people off of their feet.

A - "Canada" isn't that far from Wisco

and

B - One of any such coupling has to be the one to move

The only way I could (even) more fully endorse your stated vision is if you were to express that the whole of the internet intro helped you past social barriers in either or both of you which had sometimes stalled your social lives in the past... and that... you would bravely allow that this evolution which has been so much a blessing to you and your guy... might well have been attainable with many other sincere and fortunate guys who might have found themselves in your boyfriend's lucky online shoes.

(and I know, your wish/impulse is to believe in soulmates and that you two were a unique destiny. But what if it was YOU the individual who helped yourself to find something so wonderful, merely for following your instincts upon encountering another individual with the same degree of sincerity??? )

As for your dad and stepmother, I say: put on a strong and confident front, and dare to speak directly about your plans, and let your own self-assuredness carry you though any challenging conversations.

I can tell that you have what it takes, and I'd give you even higher scores if you can see the merits in the parts just after A & B above.

August 1, 2013

Regardless of what your parents feel, I have some advice to offer as someone who has been there, done that.

When I was 13 I met my now husband online. He was 15. When I was 17 I moved out to his state to meet him for the first time and live with him. We got married 3 years later, and now 6 years after that we have a 2 year old daughter. We were very happy for many years but we always had some underlying issues that never got resolved. So now we are struggling. Looking back, what we had during that time was amazing. Being able to know someone for who they really are on a deep level is amazing. I did not have a picture of him for the first 3 years. It did not even matter to me. It was like there was no space or time, just love. The first 5 years after we moved together were also pretty close to perfect. Now I am missing those times like crazy.

If I were you I would let those times last as long as possible before "real life" sets in. A move such as the one you are considering is very drastic and you have not known each other very long yet. It is amazing how much stress and resentment can ruin a relationship. I would wait longer and build a better bond, taking lots of vacations together and creating precious memories. Get a strong foundation. And once you DO move, nurture that relationship every day the same as you did before living together. Don't take it for granted. You may not think that being physically together is something you could ever take for granted, after so long waiting for it. But you would be surprised that after many years you do begin to. So that is my advice for the future, as soon as you see those warning signs get help. Sorry, just really seeing things as a bigger picture today. Not meaning to freak you out !

Edited August 1, 2013 by 1onelove1

August 1, 2013

1one, I agree with you about nurturing the R everyday when you live together.

Not sure that justifies having a longer LDR period than needed, though? It seems to me that it would take longer to build a solid foundation LD than otherwise, especially with both parties being young and probably not swimming in cash to afford frequent visits.

OP - have you talked to your parents? How did it go?

August 4, 2013

Elswyth-

My parents took it great. The one person I was worried about the most, is the most supportive in this big decision. My mother is supportive of the idea, and wants me to be happy. My dad and step mom are both supportive, and my step mom thinks its a great idea, not only for the relationship to blossom, but also for a new beginning for me.

Now, one of my closet friends on the other hand...she is not so happy..but that is another long story lol

Now that the news is out to family and friends, I am starting the process of looking into visas and deciding which would be best.

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