Qbert99 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Sorry for the long post but I need to tell the whole story. Please be patient and compassionate. My ex and I broke up over 3 weeks ago and we have been NC for a few days now. I'm no longer a mess but I'm still very much bothered by how nasty the breakup ended up being, especially because we had such a fairy tale beginning. Our relationship lasted only 4 months with about 2.5 months being long distance. He had to work in another city about 3 hours drive+ ferry ride away, for about 6-9 months. From early on, I realized that my ex keeps in contact with his exes and two of them were his good friends: Amy and Barbara. He also likes to talk about many of his exes a fair bit. He's proud that he can be friends with his exes. I on the other hand, do not keep in any contact with any of my exes even the ones I've had amicable breakups with, not even on Facebook. I expressed my discomfort early on about this difference but he assured me that they were just friends and that he's a one woman man, and I'm that woman. I, having lost good guy friends (totally platonic, never romantic) because their SO's insecurities, tried to be understanding and did not further complain. Now according to my ex, Amy is a really fun girl. She's always happy, very popular with the guys and just a joy to be around. She and my ex go way back in their early 20s (they were both in the navy), and at one point, they were friends with benefits. When asked why he's not with her if he thinks so highly of her, he replied that Amy is a bit of a heartbreaker (cheats) and does not have her life together like I do (in terms of her career and finances). Amy currently has a live in boyfriend in the air force. They've been together for over a year but she and my ex still went to Rome together (just the two of them) last year, when he was single. Barbara, on the other hand, is my ex's longest term girlfriend - 4 years and they used to live together. They broke up about 2 years ago but are still good friends and share the same group of friends. Barbara has been having a bit of a tough time finding someone special after the breakup and was not happy about my ex's new girlfriend - me. One time, she called him crying when my ex and I were walking my dog. Another time, my ex told me she told him, in graphic details (instrument size, techniques) about her sex life with another man. He said he felt insecure afterwards and I got really upset because to me, that was extremely inappropriate conversation between exes (I was already in the picture at that time). That night, he told me he loves me - less than one month into our relationship. Over the course of the relationship, I met many of my ex's friends, including Amy, but never Barbara. My ex was very sweet and we were very much in love, but somehow, I still felt that something was being robbed from our relationship because of his close ties to his exes. I talked to him again a second time and this time, he argued with me, saying that I'm actually the one with more baggage because I have a dog (who he loves, and the dog loves him), and that makes me practically a "single-mom". I was speechless. Two major incidents led to our breakup: The first weekend my ex came back from the city he was working in, he casually mentioned that Amy was now staying with him (for a month), and that he needed to go print out a 200 page book for her at work. I got really upset, not just by the fact that she was living with him, but the fact that he had never mentioned that before. I felt very disrespected, lied to, and my feelings were put under Amy's interests (she wants to save money on rent). My ex told me that he made the decision before he met me. We fought for a few days about that, at one point, I even offered to pay whatever $$ it needed to get her another place. Finally, I decided to trust my ex and let the issue go. I did not like it, I sucked it up, but I told him, going forward, if there were matters concerning his exes that relates to me/us, I would like to be informed and consulted. A month or so later, I asked my ex if he wanted me to go visit him a couple weekends later. He said no he had to be in town that weekend. A week went by, I texted him about this craft beer event that we can check out the following weekend. He texted back and said "can't go, Barbara's birthday". I realized at that time he did it again. Because Barbara was unhappy about her ex-man finding a new love, she probably didn't want to see me at her party, which I totally understand. I was upset because my ex decided to go without talking to me, just like how it was like with Amy. I felt disrespected and lied to again. When I asked him, he became extremely defensive and something so small, ended up engulfing an entire relationship.....he didn't end up going but he resented me strongly (I told him he could go, and not in a grudging way, I told him I just wanted to be respected). Sadly, he was very resentful towards me and told me that Barbara was quite upset that he couldn't make it. His strong reaction to this silly (to me) matter made me suspect that there really was something unresolved going on between him and Barbara. After all, why does he care for her feelings so much knowing she just wants him to herself? Shouldn't real friends be happy for each other if one of them found someone special? I questioned him in several emails and basically saying that if he and Barbara still have feelings for each other, maybe they should work it out and leave me out of it. He got so mad at me, accused me of having trust issues, is crazy and a liar. He refused to further discuss because I'm the one with the problem (controlling, trust issue, insecurity...etc), not him. I was very very hurt, but because I feared losing him, I apologized and admitted that I was insecure and had trust issues.....etc even though I felt very much wronged at that time. Needless to say, things never were the same again. We both harbour a lot of resentment towards each other. The only difference was, I was still trying to resolve the anger, while he completely shut down and wanted to pretend nothing was wrong. I tried, in the most creative and gentle ways possible to show him it was my perception, not accusation.....but he wouldn't listen, just wouldn't listen. I was so frustrated and felt so lonely, I finally blurted out "we are breaking up" in one of my attempts to rekindle the relationship because he again, completely shut me out, insisting I was the one with the problem, that I was crazy. After the hasty breakup, we both seemed to have regrets. He went across the country to one of his uncle's funeral. We kept in touch from time to time over that two weeks' period, and I thought things might be looking up again. He told me he couldn't just jump back into the relationship. He needed some time alone. I was ok with that because I thought we both needed to heal. Then last Thursday, I texted him "how's life", he replied " hot and sweaty X2". I felt a bit weird about the X2. Later he told me, Amy is staying with him again and that she told him he shouldn't date anyone right now because of his work stress etc. So he doesn't want me to go visit him anytime soon. He said he's hesitant about us because I put a wedge between him and something that is important to him, that I have a dark side (argumentative)..... I completely lost it and said many things I regretted saying till this day but at that time my pain was overwhelming. Was I crazy? I feel more bullied and abused. Could this be a cultural difference? I'm Asian, he's white, but I've been in N. America for a long time now.
Zahara Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Nothing to do with cultural differences. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. He's selfish and manipulative. Gaslights you and prioritizes everyone else but you. I bet he's been sleeping with Amy, when he was with you. If I were you, I'd cut this fool off and move on.
bunny017 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I agree, nothing to do with culture. I feel a lot of similarities with my recent ex..not as extreme, but I was uncomfortable with some of his girl friends too and I felt like my feelings didn't matter. Also, I got crap for my guy friends. Anyways, I'm white and he's Hispanic.
CC12 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Yeah, the whole "you have more baggage because you have a dog" thing was a pretty bizarre accusation. What was the nature of your relationship? Did you two have the talk where you both commit to a serious, exclusive relationship? If you did, then I agree that he was a jerk to you. But his behavior more closely resembled someone in a casual, "just dating" fling. Since it was a new, long-distance relationship, I wonder if he was under the impression that it wasn't very serious. If that was the case, I think he was insensitive about a lot of things, but not necessarily wrong. He doesn't have to check in with you or get permission to spend time with his friends. And he shouldn't have had to miss his close friend's birthday party. This is one incident that I believe you were completely wrong about. You tried to make plans with him, and said he couldn't because he had already made other plans. There was nothing wrong with that (other than the way he told you, which was dumb and insensitive, but not a crime.) I don't think you had a good reason to get upset and feel like you were disrespected and lied to. I think you were unreasonable, and if this reaction was part of a pattern, then it's probably something you need to look into. Anyway, it's for the best that it ended. There were some major problems, and only after a very short time. You can learn from this and your next relationship will be better.
Author Qbert99 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 What was the nature of your relationship? Did you two have the talk where you both commit to a serious, exclusive relationship? If you did, then I agree that he was a jerk to you. And he shouldn't have had to miss his close friend's birthday party. This is one incident that I believe you were completely wrong about. You tried to make plans with him, and said he couldn't because he had already made other plans. There was nothing wrong with that (other than the way he told you, which was dumb and insensitive, but not a crime.) I don't think you had a good reason to get upset and feel like you were disrespected and lied to. I think you were unreasonable, and if this reaction was part of a pattern, then it's probably something you need to look into. Yes, we were in a serious, committed and exclusive relationship. He told me that he loved me and I was the most important person in his life. I never expected him to not go to her birthday party even though she is his ex and she wanted him back/not happy about my existence. All I wanted him to do was to talk to me about this get-together, something like: "it's going to be Barbara's birthday in two weeks, are you ok with me going by myself because she probably does not want to see you and because it's her birthday, I don't want to upset her".....something along these lines, especially since the Amy incident. I thought I proved it to him that I am not unreasonable given the fact I trusted him enough to let him live with a girl he used to sleep with for a month, in a different city. Barbara actually cried at my ex's birthday party 8 months ago, when my ex brought a date with him, and they were holding hands. Yes it was 8 months ago, but last time I heard, Barbara went to Vietnam for 3 weeks, tried to get over my ex/her lack of a new boyfriend, only ended up calling him, crying on the phone, when him and I were walking my dog together. I never met her because she didn't come to any of the get togethers with their mutual friends when I was present. So clearly, she was uncomfortable seeing me and my ex together. I really don't think I was being controlling/unreasonable to expect a 2 minute conversation with him. Normally he can do whatever he wants socially - go to the pub, go to parties. It's just that I already told him when it has to do with his exes and affects me (me not invited), he should talk to me first.
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