Married a year and sick of husband

July 23, 2013

Last June I got married. It may have been the biggest mistake of my life.

For starters, my husband doesn't work. I am the primary breadwinner. He stays home to take care of our daughter, and goes to school for his masters. The school makes me happy and shows me he is making an effort. However, I still have to do 80 percent of the house work. He cleans the kitchen counters, does laundry one or two times and week (the other one or two I have to do), takes out the trash once a week, and cooks us dinner. Sometimes if I'm lucky, he mows the lawn.

I do everything else! Plus when I'm home he expects me to do everything for our daughter. This is because he had to watch her while I was at work and it's "my turn". So I never get a break.

If I ask him to do something, he says I'm nagging him. I'll ask him once or twice, and he tells me/or acts like he is annoyed.

Another thing that bothers me is that he still has his mom's credit card. It pays for our groceries. If we didn't have that money, we'd probably starve. So I appreciate it. The part that bothers me is now he is buying up a bunch of baseball cards to sell on ebay with this card. This bothers me because he ends up neglecting to get us food in order to purchase cards to sell.

The profit from these cards goes to him.

My checks go to the house, utilities, our phone, car payments, and everything else. I haven't bought myself clothes in six months because I can't afford it.

I've talked to him, and he tells me I should appreciate him more. Also, if the situation was turned around, i wouldn't be able to give him the money his mom provides us. Plus, he'd never let me stay home like I let him because of this fact.

When it comes to him, I have to go or he pouts. Grocery store, anything. I ask him to come with me and he tells me no.

I'm not happy. Any advice would be appreciated!!!

July 23, 2013

I'm not happy. Any advice would be appreciated!!!

Get a divorce.

July 23, 2013

Or work on keeping your vows and making yourself happy instead of trying to control your husband. Noone is perfect. Your husband doesn't sound that bad to me. It's a wonderful thing to have someone at home taking care of your child. My wife did this for 10 years. I had to do a lot of laundry and dishes as well...and cleaning, yardwork etc. in addition to my full time job. I didn't complain (that much ^^)

Edited July 23, 2013 by ChooseTruth

July 24, 2013

I'm sorry but people who need mommy's money to buy groceries shouldn't be having kids.

It baffles my mind, you guys can't even take care of yourselves and you have a kid?

As for the house work and responsibilities.

It doesn't sounds like he's being a bad guy. He's watching the child, he cleans up, does laundry, cooks, etc. AND then goes to school.

It's the same as you working your job.

You both need to pitch in.

I'm sorry that you are unhappy, but I think you both need to think "we're a team" and do more to help each other and be understanding. That obviously goes for him doing that too.

Was he unemployed before you got married, or did he lose his job after?

July 24, 2013

Get a divorce.

Why is getting a divorce always the friggin answer around here? Don't worry, you took vows, but they don't matter. You don't have to keep trying. Just give up! Ugh!

Come on. This is ridiculous advice.

July 24, 2013

I'm not saying you're not working harder than him, but I think he may have a point that you are underappreciating his contribution if you think you do 80% of the house work when he cooks, cleans the kitchen, takes out the trash, mows the lawn and does half the laundry (I'm not sure exactly what's left, other than clean the bathroom and vacuum once in a while, maybe I'm a slob though, hah)

July 24, 2013

Or work on keeping your vows and making yourself happy instead of trying to control your husband. Noone is perfect. Your husband doesn't sound that bad to me. It's a wonderful thing to have someone at home taking care of your child. My wife did this for 10 years. I had to do a lot of laundry and dishes as well...and cleaning, yardwork etc. in addition to my full time job. I didn't complain (that much ^^)

I agree with this poster. It sounds like you don't appreciate your husband enough. He is working on getting a master's degree, which is a heck of a lot of work, AND he takes care of your daughter all day, AND he cooks and does other household chores. Sounds like he has his plate full and you are asking him to do even more. Some day soon he will get that degree and will be contributing substantially to the household income. Until then, you need to suck it up and stop nagging him. Sounds like you expect way too much from him. Expecting him to accompany you to the grocery store? Please. Go yourself, for crying out loud, he has a million other things to do. As far as the baseball card hobby, what is the harm in that? He is trying to make some money from that so he has a little spending money. Please don't make the mistake of nagging him to death, or not appreciating everything he does. If there really is an unequal division of labor, or he is spending too much time on this baseball card hobby, then I suggest discussing these concerns in a family meeting once a week, rather than getting into the habit of nagging and being resentful. And I think that, once you both work out a division of labor plan together, you will find he is really doing a lot right now to keep the household going and working towards his future career.

July 24, 2013

I've talked to him, and he tells me I should appreciate him more. Also, if the situation was turned around, i wouldn't be able to give him the money his mom provides us. Plus, he'd never let me stay home like I let him because of this fact.

I do think it's a bit disgusting that he thinks mommy's money is one of his assets. Sounds very immature. Hopefully he just need a few more years to grow out of it, unless you are stuck with a permanent mommy's boy.

July 24, 2013

Why is getting a divorce always the friggin answer around here? Don't worry, you took vows, but they don't matter. You don't have to keep trying. Just give up! Ugh!

Come on. This is ridiculous advice.

Normally I would agree. Getting a divorce should always be a last resort BUT they've only been married a year, their communication is appalling, they don't work as a team, he uses his mother's credit card(!), she says she is 'sick' of him (already) and neither of them feel respected or appreciated!

If this was a ten year marriage I would suggest marital and individual counselling. As they're only one year into their marriage and it's already falling apart, that probably won't help. Maybe they were together ten years before getting married but that's not how it reads.

There's probably no harm in getting some counselling - provided his Mom agrees to pay for it - other than that, they're heading for divorce. Sad but true!

July 24, 2013

I am the stay at home mom in our relationship. Also a student. My husband doesnt do ANY of our housework... he takes care of the lawn.. etc. I handle meals, dishes, laundry, kids, their extracurricular activities. I wish my husband helped me more. It does weigh on you from time to time. I dont feel like he does half at his job.. what I do at home. Yet he comes home and sits down exhausted. But I never say anything because I am a stay at home mom... its my job. I think that is a bad habit to get into. You should come home and help him... to a degree.

Using his moms money for groceries, i disagree... but if it is necessary then it is necessary. Our parents have helped us in the past. BUT... using the 'grocery money for cards... and then keeping that cash. BAD IDEA. Does he make good money selling the cards? If he does its definetly communal cash. if he doesnt... then he shouldnt be waisting that time to list and sell when he could be doing chores at home. JMO

July 24, 2013

You both need to talk. Really talk and make plans together. Where has all the love gone?

Is your job a dead end job? That could be stressing you out because you see that your partner is making plans and has more options than you do. It reads that he is pretty smug about the situation because really his mum is covering him financially.

The housework should be mostly managed by him if he is at home. Well this is what we did when I was part-time due to needing to be there to care for the children. Even now, if am at home and H is out, I look after the house. He does the same if I am out. Housework roles took some instilling within the first year off our marriage because H wanted me to do everything, which I was NOT happy with. I felt exactly the same as you and went as far as finding myself somewhere else to live. I just saw it as disrestpectful and I was not willing to be his mother and explain such a basic thing. As far as I am concerned some things a person should know and do and be fair about.

Since he has access to other funds via his mother, maybe investing some of it into a cleaner would help you out? Ideally money should be shared so it does not become a problem. He should be thinking on that sort of level, so you know he is thinking about the family unit, not just himself. I don't have issue with parents still helping their children. I will always be there for my children, especially when they have their own children in whatever way is most useful. I hope the little one gets to spend time with his Grand Parents during the day sometimes?

Is he making sure the little one meets other children? Does he have educational play time with her/him? Staying at home could be a cop out if he isn't actually doing anything but sellling these card things and occasional housework. Please be mindful of the importance of socialisation for the little one. Work out what is best for the child, not just what is easiest for the both of you. Seriously.

Be careful you are not being taken for granted. As much as I believe marriage to be a beautiful thing, it can become a carefully laid trap if you are not careful. You both must learn to be resourceful enough to NOT take what you have for granted. Primarily, don't taint each other and carry things over to the next day. Talk, talk and talk.

From what you have written, I can understand why you are unhappy but this is just the start of the challenge. There is a deeper love that can develop once a couple zap their problems together.

The could all be resolved with clear boundary setting. Relationships die quickly if you hold grudges and don't talk things through. You should be able to say anything to each other.

So, when you get home from work, foremostly you should be firstly glad to see each other. If he is simply just handing you the child, please consider how harmful this could be later on for the child. Children pick up on emotions very finely. If his behaviour is brash within ths context, that needs to stop, like today.

Get a babysitter and go out and really talk things through. If you have a faith, jointly use it.

I firmly believe that all things can be made new if two people want it, believe in each other and strive for better. If you have to carry him and he wants to have one over on you and not help properly, that is a no brainer, choose the child and move on. If you can go home for a bit, adjust and get on with being one of the greatest parents to have lived.

The relationship should be you two against the world. Don't pretend it is if it is not. Life is very short.

Take care,

Eve x

Edited July 24, 2013 by Eve

July 25, 2013

13 months. That's a little fast, but at least you fell out of love with him early. You can start over. Just remember, you'll fall out of love with your next husband also. That's what wives do.

Leave him and find another single mom to share household duties with. I'm not talking lesbian relationship, just one where a man isn't involved. That's the only way you women will be happy.

Leave him and don't marry again. And don't pass this over as a smart-ass post. I've never been more serious in my life.

i agree, this was not a smartass post.

smartass posts are usually witty and this was just sad, angry and bitter.

July 25, 2013

Touche.

But does putting me down change the fact that half of marriages end up in divorce and most of the other half involve an emotionally absent wife?

Or an emotionally absent husband.

July 25, 2013

.. Or both being emotionally absent, as is usually the case. Sometimes working out who is the most absent doesn't help much, lol. Hence it is better to do something else.

Well, that's how I tend to think, unless I'm really pissed off.

Take care,

Eve x

July 25, 2013

If you divorce him, you may have to pay him alimony, AND you'd have to support yourself and your daughter (at least part time), plus you'd lose all remaining "free time" you have when you'd have custody of your daughter. And have to pay child support, possibly, as well as possibly child care.

How old is your daughter? How did you two happen to be married without being on the same page about these things?

You're a mom, and there's nothing you can do about that. You basically gave up your freedom for 18 years when you did that. I'm sure it's worth it, but it's also going to be tough.

Work with your husband. While I'm sure grad school is important to him, if you're adults with a kid and using his mom's money, I think it'd be better for him to quit school and maybe get a job. Possibly even opposite yours so you don't have to pay for child care. That means you'd still have to do a lot for your daughter and some things around the house.

My mom had to raise me alone with no financial support, and she had to make do when she got laid off. She made it. So can you.

Welcome to adulthood.

July 25, 2013

Why is getting a divorce always the friggin answer around here? Don't worry, you took vows, but they don't matter. You don't have to keep trying. Just give up! Ugh!

Come on. This is ridiculous advice.

Errr i think it was kind of a joke...

July 25, 2013

Jeez my woman just drops the hammer on me when I'm not doing my share...

July 25, 2013

Jeez my woman just drops the hammer on me when I'm not doing my share...

It is their first year though. The first year is an exciting time but what you do then can mark the marriage if you are not careful. Seriously.

F*** was I letting my H get away with what he tried to pull.. as much as I adore the man. There is some level of pushing and pulling that is necessary and the whole thing can feel quite stressful. Lets try to support the OP?

Do you just do as you are told? My H actually tried to kick off a bit.. even though he knew he was in the wrong. Now, he just gets on with stuff and I don't have to monitor him... but at first, damn! I could not believe what I was seeing!

Glad we got past it though..

Take care,

Eve x

July 26, 2013

I will confess I struggled with how to respond because your OP touched few nerves, especially the non-working hubby part.

BUT....it sounds like you both agreed to this setup ahead of time. It would be different if you went into it agreeing to both work and he just stopped.

I was a SAHM for a few years when our kids were young. I know that there were times my husband came home and it didn't look like I had done much. However, with a baby and the messes that can accompany them - especially once they get mobile enough to crawl and walk, sometimes the cleaning I HAD done I had done two or three times because little hands came in behind me and UNdid it. I adored my kids, but it IS draining to be at home all day where your only interaction is meeting the every need of someone too small to talk.

I understand your frustration too, but I think appreciating can go a long way. I might get a few feathers ruffled for saying this, but most men need admiration, especially from their wives. They need to be respected as a man. For many men, their careers and providing for their families is a big source of how they see themselves, so even though he is in school, there may be a part of him that is already sensitive about not being in the "traditional" male role. I agree that the Mom's credit card thing is not a good crutch, but it sounds like you two need it.

I like the idea of alternating "daughter duty" nights, and the cooking, etc. that would go along with it. That would give you both a break.

I know some people don't like the idea of a mechanical "babysitter," but since you probably need to decompress after work for a bit and he probably needs a break, would it be possible to put her down for a short nap or maybe put in a short "Little Bear" video or something while the two of you just sit on the couch with some tea or something and talk about the day? Sometimes just 20 minutes of down time can make a difference.

Marriage is a big life adjustment. You are only a year in. I'd give it 150% for awhile longer. Maybe find a good MC, and I would recommend His Needs Her Needs or The Five Love Languages (or both)

You have a child together. It would be a shame to give up so quickly.

July 27, 2013

Is NOBODY reading the part where he's taking the grocery money, buying freakin BASEBALL CARDS, selling them on Ebay, then KEEPING THE MONEY FOR HIMSELF and not buying FOOD for his own kid?

Yeah, give this jerk a Father of the Year award.

Why is no one reading what a jack-hole this guy is???

I don't think he's consciously being a jerk, as much as he is behaving like a teenager, probably because he's not much older than that.

July 27, 2013

I don't think he's consciously being a jerk, as much as he is behaving like a teenager, probably because he's not much older than that.

Mentally, many men don't progress beyond 9.

And before you all pounce on me, that happens to be a recognised fact.

July 27, 2013

True, although there is a long way from finding farts hilarious (who doesn't???) to buying baseball cart with mommy's money, but my point being, it's not a desperate situation. Definitely not a "OMG DIVORCE NOW" call especially with a child in the balance.

July 27, 2013

True, although there is a long way from finding farts hilarious (who doesn't???)....

Erm....I don't....

....to buying baseball cart with mommy's money, but my point being, it's not a desperate situation. Definitely not a "OMG DIVORCE NOW" call especially with a child in the balance.

I would tend to agree.

I think, if the OP can bring herself to do it, she either needs to discuss this with her H or at least get counselling for the both of them.

I think the problem is, they're living 'parallel lives', each with the mind-set that "What I do is important, spouse could never manage this without me, I do a pretty good job, I get tired, and it's routine that's become boring, insular and spouse just doesn't understand how hard this really is for me."

Trying to find 'together' time in the evenings, and 'child-sharing' is a good idea...

I just hope that it hasn't gone so far down the line that the OP really feels she honestly cannot put in the effort to remedy this, now....I'm hoping she hasn't already in fact, "left the building"....

July 29, 2013

Huh, interesting post.

First of all, I'm wondering why we are calling this guy a worthless loser when he is in school getting his Master's Degree while being a full time father. This thread seems like a first class example of having unrealistic expectations. I can only imagine that the OP does not really know what it means to stay home all day with a child (keep in mind we are talking about a father... a father staying home all day with his child... actually being primary caregiver to his child... what a jerk). Maybe she does, but it sure doesn't seem like it. If you're pulling in 70 hours a week, then I can concede your points a bit more. If not, I feel very little sympathy for your cause of making your husband out to be a deadbeat. Do you know how much it takes to care for a child all day while cooking dinner every night? That, all alone, is more than a full time job. Throw in laundry a couple times a week and you have a gem.

As far as the grocery money goes, there's an alternative. Apply for food stamps to help you guys out while he gets a degree. If his mother's credit card is the difference between eating and starving, then you would surely qualify for food stamps as a family of 3. If you do not qualify, then you are maybe being irresponsible with your money. You should reconsider how you spend your money in that case and see if some things can't change there. Call me untrusting, I just bet you always find a way to set money aside for yourself, you know, as a reward for being the only person in the relationship actually worth anything. Just an occasional goodie. Is he maybe not getting anything from you in that regard? No rewards for daddy for being a stay at home dad, full-time chef, and Master's student? If not, I applaud him for finding a way to make some money for himself without taking away from the "normal" income.

How was the decision made for him to stay home instead of you? Was it mutual or not? Are your accusations about him only wanting to stay home because of his mommy's money a known fact or simply a temper tantrum on your part?

I have to be honest that you kind of come off as a self-absorbed princess who not only isn't really interested in her husband's well-being, but also doesn't seem that concerned with the fact that her child is really the most important thing in this equation. You seem to place no value in having a fulltime stay at home parent.

I am gone sometimes for 11 hours in a day. My wife doesn't go to school at all, stays home with our twins every day, often puts mediocre dinners on the table (usually a lot later than what others would find acceptable), hardly ever wants to have sex anymore, passes out watching Hell's Kitchen, might find a way to get some laundry done, then gets up the next day to do it again. Yet, I view her as amazing. I wonder what the real reason is for the difference in our perceptions of our spouse.

July 30, 2013

It is their first year though. The first year is an exciting time but what you do then can mark the marriage if you are not careful. Seriously.

F*** was I letting my H get away with what he tried to pull.. as much as I adore the man. There is some level of pushing and pulling that is necessary and the whole thing can feel quite stressful. Lets try to support the OP?

Do you just do as you are told? My H actually tried to kick off a bit.. even though he knew he was in the wrong. Now, he just gets on with stuff and I don't have to monitor him... but at first, damn! I could not believe what I was seeing!

Glad we got past it though..

Take care,
Eve x

HAHA yes I just do as I'm told...I don't want my woman to work any harder than she has to. It's not like she's barking out commands as she eats bon bons from the couch. She is ALWAYS doing stuff around the house, and I feel guilty if I'm not doing stuff too.

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Married a year and sick of husband

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