westjames111 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I am about 6 months out from my 2 year relationship ending. She was my first love and I still think about it everyday. I still get depressed on certain days and other days I am at the top of the world. I didn't think that I would still be hurting this far along. Our relationship towards the end was far from perfect, and when I was still in the relationship I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with her anymore. Then as soon as they are gone we put them up on a pedestal and think we cant live without them. My friends tell me I can do better, my family tells me I am better off without her, yet I still feel like I cant live without her at times. Why do we do this? I am not sure if this happens in every big relationship or if I am just having such a hard time because even though she had loved before me, she was my first love. I have never experienced any other heartbreak so I have nothing to compare it to. I know she would always talk about how hard it was for her to get over her first love, and I never understood until now.
Philosoraptor Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 When something is gone we often focus on the positives rather than the negatives. The key to get yourself out of this state is to make sure you look at thing logically versus viewing it from a pure emotional standpoint. 2
Author westjames111 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 When something is gone we often focus on the positives rather than the negatives. The key to get yourself out of this state is to make sure you look at thing logically versus viewing it from a pure emotional standpoint. That makes sense, but It feels like its a lot easier to say than do. I am always beating myself up in my head for these things, because every tells me the same thing you said. Its just hard for me to put it into action. Most people here are still waiting and are hopeful reconciliation with their exes. I just want to get over mine and get her out of my head for good.
Trimmer Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 That makes sense, but It feels like its a lot easier to say than do. I am always beating myself up in my head for these things, because every tells me the same thing you said. Its just hard for me to put it into action. Most people here are still waiting and are hopeful reconciliation with their exes. I just want to get over mine and get her out of my head for good. Yeah, that takes time. I'm in a very different situation from you (together for ~18 years, married for 13 of them, with kids, then been divorced for, wow, almost 8 years now.) It sorta depends on how the breakup went, but after all that time together, I found that I didn't idolize her so much as my fantasy of what our marriage was (that it really wasn't.) Similar in a way, I suppose, and like you, it took time to move past that fantasy view, realize that what I idolized didn't really exist that way in reality, and move to a place where I could see, oh yeah, that wasn't an accurate image of what it really was and I see that more clearly now - both the positives and the negatives. And sort of like you, it was my first marriage, but not hers, so I think I had a harder time letting go of that "first time" fantasy, where I think she had been there, done that. (Not that it wasn't difficult for her too, but I think there's some benefit - and insulation, perhaps - that comes with experience.) So I guess I'm not really giving you specific advice for the moment, but to know that it's not an uncommon pattern. This is your only view of love right now, and you've never had the experience of one ending, so you are adrift in new territory. Again, it will take time, but you will move forward a little less innocent, a little more experienced, and hopefully not too bitter or angry, but with what feels like a more realistic view of the world. My other advice is to work on being "whole" by yourself. Work on not thinking of this as 'losing a part of yourself' or 'can't live without her', and don't go scrambling to fill that empty spot in order to make yourself whole again. I believe you need to be solid and whole as an individual in order to fully participate in a good relationship as a couple. Then, you and your partner ADD to each others' lives, instead of depending on each other for completion. 2
Author westjames111 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Yeah, that takes time. I'm in a very different situation from you (together for ~18 years, married for 13 of them, with kids, then been divorced for, wow, almost 8 years now.) It sorta depends on how the breakup went, but after all that time together, I found that I didn't idolize her so much as my fantasy of what our marriage was (that it really wasn't.) Similar in a way, I suppose, and like you, it took time to move past that fantasy view, realize that what I idolized didn't really exist that way in reality, and move to a place where I could see, oh yeah, that wasn't an accurate image of what it really was and I see that more clearly now - both the positives and the negatives. And sort of like you, it was my first marriage, but not hers, so I think I had a harder time letting go of that "first time" fantasy, where I think she had been there, done that. (Not that it wasn't difficult for her too, but I think there's some benefit - and insulation, perhaps - that comes with experience.) So I guess I'm not really giving you specific advice for the moment, but to know that it's not an uncommon pattern. This is your only view of love right now, and you've never had the experience of one ending, so you are adrift in new territory. Again, it will take time, but you will move forward a little less innocent, a little more experienced, and hopefully not too bitter or angry, but with what feels like a more realistic view of the world. My other advice is to work on being "whole" by yourself. Work on not thinking of this as 'losing a part of yourself' or 'can't live without her', and don't go scrambling to fill that empty spot in order to make yourself whole again. I believe you need to be solid and whole as an individual in order to fully participate in a good relationship as a couple. Then, you and your partner ADD to each others' lives, instead of depending on each other for completion. Yes, great reply! It has taken time but I already have seen the valuable life lessons I have learned. I have had to try and stop myself from rushing into something else to feel comfortable, and all my friends have given me the same advice not to. I think one of the hardest things for me was that she left me for someone else "still with him" and I am single. I guess I don't need to compare myself to her though seeing as its over. Thanks for the advice! Its good to know that others share this similar pattern.
LME Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 My first love and i recently split and i was feeling so many emotions (still have them at times) and i did not understand why because i knew the relationship would probably end. then yesterday i came across this article and it did so much for me, it was kind of a wack in the face like "hey, this is what you were feeling, you just had no idea because you did not realize it was an actual thing". goes along with what trimmer is saying with the fantasy. I really wish i had seen this article before i met up with my ex this weekend, but oh well. Why Do Break Ups Hurt So Much? | Lisa Firestone 1
Author westjames111 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 My first love and i recently split and i was feeling so many emotions (still have them at times) and i did not understand why because i knew the relationship would probably end. then yesterday i came across this article and it did so much for me, it was kind of a wack in the face like "hey, this is what you were feeling, you just had no idea because you did not realize it was an actual thing". goes along with what trimmer is saying with the fantasy. I really wish i had seen this article before i met up with my ex this weekend, but oh well. Why Do Break Ups Hurt So Much? | Lisa Firestone good read, thanks!
jesse93 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I am about 6 months out from my 2 year relationship ending. She was my first love and I still think about it everyday. I still get depressed on certain days and other days I am at the top of the world. I didn't think that I would still be hurting this far along. Our relationship towards the end was far from perfect, and when I was still in the relationship I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with her anymore. Then as soon as they are gone we put them up on a pedestal and think we cant live without them. My friends tell me I can do better, my family tells me I am better off without her, yet I still feel like I cant live without her at times. Why do we do this? I am not sure if this happens in every big relationship or if I am just having such a hard time because even though she had loved before me, she was my first love. I have never experienced any other heartbreak so I have nothing to compare it to. I know she would always talk about how hard it was for her to get over her first love, and I never understood until now. i enjoyed reading this honestly, because its so true, anyway i hope you're doing well man keep your head up and keep fighting through it i just recently lost my first love as well its already been a living hell and its only been 2 days i know this is going to take me a longgg time to heal fully and i'm not looking forward to it but its something you have to do. hope it all works out for you keep pushing forward. 1
thompkevin Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 It's just your minds way of coping with the loss. Breakups are painful, and your mind is trying to trick you into thinking only on the positives so you don't have to go through the pain. I know it's been 6 months, but everyone heals at their own speed. You just have to keep yourself thinking logically and focus on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship. 1
NomiMalone Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 To answer your question about why we idolize and crave our exs: when it comes to "love", there is simply no logic as to the way we feel. Full stop. It's pretty normal to still feel grief at 6 months and to think about her everyday. Don't be hard on yourself 1
skydiveaddict Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I have never experienced any other heartbreak so I have nothing to compare it to. I know she would always talk about how hard it was for her to get over her first love, and I never understood until now. Just wait till she gets fat. It won't bother you anymore. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Why do we idolize our exes? First loves? In part because they're a lot like our fingerprint! Consider how dull some of those forensics evidence shows would be if indeed fingerprints were not necessarily unique. I would suggest that when we are in the passionate company of a new partner down the line, we are not as enamored of our first loves at that moment as when we are alone and reflecting. Without ANother person there, we are far more likely to reflect back on the past... our past. 1
Author westjames111 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Wow these responses have really helped. A lot more than I expected! I am still working everyday on improving myself and doing me time. I think one of the biggest reasons I miss her was because of the "security blanket" she provided me. Especially with all the changes that are taking place in my life currently, like graduating college and the job hunt. Its just nice to have someone there to back you up and comfort you in stressful times.
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