JasonTodd Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I'm new to this so bare with me. Been talking with this girl for over 4 months. She's great, the whole package. She is anti-relationship. The idea of being in one gives her anxiety. She was once engaged, and was in an extremely controlling relationship for nearly 5 years. She blames relationships for not allowing her to "experience" life and feels people in relationships become weak and vulnerable. She just turned 23. So obviously if it comes up she freaks, yet how we act now is borderline a relationship. Holding hands, cuddles, text/phone calls daily, sex, etc and that's just her reaching out to me. Her friends are shocked I have been able to get her to even act like that due to how "anti-relationship" she is. She insists nothing will come of it, she insists she doesn't want a relationship ever. Yet I have fallen for this girl, and I can't decide whether to listen to her actions or words. She has been with only myself and her ex as far as intimately so the "trust me I know she isn't talking to other guys" is something youll have to believe with this thread. My question is this...do I stick around and run the risk of getting hurt in hopes she gets over the relationship complex? Or do I pass on someone I haven't felt this strongly before in my life. I have had a few "serious" relationships and I'm 29 now. Not sure if that helps. Thanks guys
Treasa Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Well, if you feel strongly about this, tell her you would love to be with her in a relationship, but that you won't settle for being FWB. If she's not ok with that, then you need to halt all contact that is more than basic friendliness. She can choose to not be in a relationship, but you have a say in what you have in your own life as well. Neither of you can or should try to change the other. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Well she is not being dishonest around this issue, so I would think you need to take her at her word at this point. Have fun in the R and do not put pressure on her or talk about the future. You never know. Like I say, never say never. Time is your friend. The pressure is off of you. 2
charlietheginger Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 If she is not seeing anyone just take it day by day. Dont ask or tell her anything in reguards to a relationship SHOW HER THROUGH ACTIONS that your not a controlling Manipulating person that respects her and wants her to Be herself never make her feel pressured or boxed into A relationship as time goes by she will probably feel safe And secure with you and may decide to be in a official Relationship..... BUT ITS HER CHOICE SHE DOSE NOT WANT TO LOSE HER FREEDOM AND SELF IDENTIFY... her reasoning is correct. Many men try to get in a relationship For their own needs. Guys want a companion , sex not to Be lonely feel loved and so on. Most guys get so hungup On their own needs they start taking away from the women Her needs. She might want to sit in her room draw art, watch A movie on her own , download music ,goto the beach who Knows many guys take to much control. Guys says oh Lets do this lets do that and the women just goes with it And feels more like she is just a object versus a person. So give her space when she needs its , be interested in Her hobbies and things she enjoys, ask her what she would Like to do,what she wants to eat or watch. Let her feel She is a important individual not just a object. Many women get in relationships with ahole jerks that Have no respect or admiration for the women they are With instead they walk all over the women and treat them Like crap. Your goal is to prove through actions her identity is Just as important as your. she is just a girlfriend but A living breathing person with emotions and you actually Care about her happiness over your own
white Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I have the exact same problem with someone I like very much right now that I met a couple months ago. She's outright explained her views and experience on sex and relationships and let's just say it's negative and puts you off. She's someone I see weekly at something we both do so I can't ignore her. I like her so much I don't even care if I can't win her round myself; she deserves more than she allows herself and I want to see her thaw out for her own sake even if it's with someone else. Which it won't be for the time being, and hasn't been for some years now, but perhaps I can lay some foundations to it happening in future by being decent and supportive, something she seems not to experience of men. To be honest I've never been a believer in the idea of "winning them round". Nobody gets won round from being disinterested to interested over a long time. These things happen quickly. But like you I'm hoping that it might be different when the person has issues, big enough issues to talk about and to genuinely affect their life, that you might be able to help resolve by being more stable and reasonable than they have come to expect. It's probably just egotistic. Trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, thinking you out of everyone have the magic touch. The alternative in my case though is that I continue to work with this person regularly and turn a cold hand and a blind eye both to her and to my own feelings for her, and frankly I'm happier not doing that, even if it is egotistical or a waste of time.
Adele0908 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I think you should just accept the situation for what it is.
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