Penmann Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Hi all, I'm here because my thoughts are so confused at the moment, I would love some independent opinions (friends are mostly offering me the standard 'move on', 'you're better than her' business). I consider her the love of my life (though I know I'll be able to love again, if I really have to force myself away from her). We were together a year and a half, and we lived together most of that time, and spent most minutes of every day together. Early on (month 2, I think) an old flame messaged me on Facebook, and we flirted. I quickly realised it was a mistake and stopped. Around that period, old university friends were asking me about my new university (on a PhD), and I repeatedly said 'lots of attractive girls' and told one friend about a girl he'd like in particular. We even 'rated' photos of her on her Facebook page. Fast forward a few months, and my girlfriend, who I am by now in love with and well over messing around on Facebook, suspects I am flirting with a female friend of ours (I absolutely was not). She logs on to my facebook, and instead of finding evidence to support that, finds all the old stuff. It hits her extremely hard (she has said she has never felt so betrayed). I tried very hard to show I was sorry, and to show I genuinely didn't mean those things... it was sort of old habits, and I wasn't used to being in love. I freely admit I was wrong, and I made a mistake. We stayed together for over a year afterwards, but had ups and downs. Whenever we would argue, she would get upset about the old issues. She felt she couldn't trust me, and at first I understood. But as time passed, and I spent Christmas with her family in the U.S.A, and we made plans to get a place together, and love really developed, it became clear that she should be able to trust me, that I am an ok person, committed to her, and that I had learnt a large lesson about myself. But she could never forgive me. Finally, she got drunk and cheated on me, not once but twice in a weekend. She wanted to force us to break up, but ended up ashamed and regretting it. I used it as a chance to show her how to forgive, and thought it was an opportunity to move on. But a month later, she freaked out and left me, and went on the rebound. She moved straight into another intense relationship. I don't doubt she loved me, and I know I love her. I feel we were so close to something really wonderful, and wish we'd had the sense to take time apart when things were calmer. Since then, she has continued to see this other man, but we have met up and had very emotional and confusing chats. There is a lot of feeling there, and I find this other guy less of a threat (despite her being with him, and not me). She finally cracked and said she needs to spend a month away from him and me in the U.S to really 'breathe'. She has asked that I really try to move on and get over her in the meantime, and we haven't spoken once since she left. But it was definitely mixed messages before she went; as well as 'please let go' she told me 'you'll always be my lovebug' (our pet name, haha), that 'she'll miss me dearly' and that she's been longing for me but is just too sad when she speaks to me. The most confusing has been 'I think I've started to see you in the right light, but I need to breathe', followed by 'please try to forget about selfish [her name here]'. And here I am, trying to move on, but completely unable to give up on the idea that we could have a real, happy relationship built on proper love. I hurt her a long time ago, but she never forgave me, and she has hurt me so, so much now. What the hell should I be thinking / doing?? No idea if she's still speaking to the other guy or if she's all alone in the U.S dreaming of me. I feel foolish. Phew. Sorry about the essay. That was therapy in itself!
xilver Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 True love finds a way. If she has already cheated on you and you still are willing to move forward with her then you have to do everything you can to keep her. Personally I don't think I could take a girl back that cheated on me but maybe that is my weakness and inability to forgive. After all people do make mistakes and life is short. Only you know what was there between you two and to a lesser extent how you feel now. Persistence is one word that comes to mind for you and time for her. Good luck.
LME Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Move on. If it is meant to be you will somehow cross paths again one day. But you cannot live your life hoping. 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Taking her back wouldn't be a wise move. Holding out hope, is the enemy right now. I'll be blunt: She has shown signs of an unwillingness to forgive you. She took cheating to that terrible level, twice. Unwilling to totally resolve her issues with you. She eventually leaves you. Tells you to move on, and that she still loves you. She in fact doesn't know how she feels. Sounds confused. Hard-hearted. Hasn't spoken to you for a while. I do believe it is her who is moving on. Her inability to forgive has torn you two apart. Her desire to seek revenge(and cheat, twice), has torn you two apart. You need to stop thinking about her. Go out and breathe yourself. Date other girls. Don't sit and wait. You can only be a doormat for love, for so long. Social media, like FB is your enemy. You may not agree. You may not even like what I have said...but...I've been down this road. This doesn't look promising. Better women out there. You just are fresh to being apart from someone whom you love. Your emotions are playing you, thus, you feel as though you cannot love someone as much as her. In fact, you can. Maybe even more. Being hungup will cost you better opportunities.
Author Penmann Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Thanks, both of you, for taking the time to read. I suppose you're both saying the same thing in different ways - if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, but there's nothing I can really do now but try to move on. She'll be back from the U.S in a few weeks, and we live absurdly near each other, so I will no doubt see her at some point. So we'll see, I guess. In terms of forgiving her for cheating... it wasn't difficult, because she was clearly very sorry, and it was clearly an uncharacteristic mistake. Unfortunately, though, I did recognise that we were both getting into really bad states of mind because of the stress of her not having forgiven me... we should have stepped back for a while sooner, we'd probably have worked things out and avoided a lot of trouble. Take home message for everyone else, there!
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