Montana 1968 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Would you advise me to steer clear from a guy who is in the process of "Getting Divorced" from his wife, he is currently seperated from her. I am wondering what is going on in his head at the moment ? Would i be a Rebound ? I'd love to hear your thoughts guys. Am I going to get my heartbroken and my fingers burnt ?Thanks. x
StayBeautiful Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Been there done that. Never again. Even if your guy has lived apart for a while from his wife, like mine when I met him. Even if divorced in all but name, like mine when I met him. Divorce is a psychological process as well as a practical one. I'll never again be involved in that. I don't care how much someone is over their ex, the actual process of severing those ties takes its toll. And that's VN without sorting out the financial and child practicalities. It will engulf him during the period of negotiation and finalisation. If he hasn't yet started the process, I'm sure it all seems calm and simple. 4
Author Montana 1968 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Yes, I see what you are saying. There is always the chance that they will get back together I suppose. She cheated on him and he was obviously devastated by it. I don't think his head is very clear at the moment. Thanks for your comment.
BradJacobs Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Separated is still married. So how long do you wait to date a guy who just got out of a long-term relationship? Some people will be okay to date while separated and others won't. Who is to say which camp this chap falls in except you and he?
jphcbpa Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 every situation is different. with my xw I checked out years before the D, so there was no painful heart break. in this case, if he was hurt by his x via cheating, this could take a toll on him emotionally for a while.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 So how long do you wait to date a guy who just got out of a long-term relationship? Some people will be okay to date while separated and others won't. Who is to say which camp this chap falls in except you and he? An LTR and a marriage are not the same thing, last time I checked. Dissolution of assets, kids, joint debt/property, settlements, agreements, mediation. No thanks. I date men who don't still legally belong to someone else.
CarrieT Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I dated a guy that was "separated" for about six months. Several days before the court date to finalize the divorce, they reconciled. Never, ever again... A guy (or girl!) who is separated is still attached in some fashion; emotionally, physically, financially, etc. Until they are fully single - for some time! - they are not ready to engage in a new relationship. I'd suggest steering clear! 1
LOSTnMT Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 You would be a rebound and chances are it would not work out in the long run. There are plenty of other people out there with less baggage. Good luck
BradJacobs Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Dissolution of assets, kids, joint debt/property, settlements, agreements, mediation. All of which can result from a LTR as easily as it can result from a marriage.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 All of which can result from a LTR as easily as it can result from a marriage. Yeah I knew you'd say that. Sorry but no. A marriage is a whole other beast. I've dated a separated man and even just the looming court date and the back and forth with lawyers took a huge toll on him emotionally. Like the other ladies here - never again.
BradJacobs Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Yeah I knew you'd say that. Sorry but no. A marriage is a whole other beast. I've dated a separated man and even just the looming court date and the back and forth with lawyers took a huge toll on him emotionally. Like the other ladies here - never again. Might be different from a woman's point of view going through a separation then? The two that I dated who were going through that were very emotionally ready to move on and neither one of them reconciled with their soon to be ex-husbands. Willing to concede that it's a matter of the sexes processing the end of the relationship differently as I've never dated (and never will) a man going through a divorce.
StayBeautiful Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I'm not talking about being ready to move on, and being over the ex. I'm talking about the practical and psychological process of severing legal ties.
KathyM Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 The problem with dating separated men is that there is a good chance they will return to their estranged spouse. I know several married couples who were separated for awhile and ended up getting back together. You risk having your heart broken if he decides to go back to his spouse. Another risk is that the break up is still too raw, and he won't be able to emotionally invest in a relationship with you when he still has such tumultuous feelings towards his wife. You'll have to gauge for yourself if he is recovered enough from his feelings towards his wife to be able to have a good relationship with you that he can fully invest in. If he still talks about her a lot, if he still appears sentimental or ambivalent when he talks about his wife, or if he appears to have his emotions not under control, I'd say he is not ready for a relationship with anybody else. 1
FitChick Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 If you want a fling, date a separated man. They just want to play and have fun. If you want something serious wait until two years after the ink has dried on his final decree. 1
happywithlife Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 It totally depends on the people involved. I started dating my current boyfriend while we were both finishing up our divorces. Its hands down the best relationship I have had. He's an amazing guy! But if we were different people, didn't have the family and friend support systems we do, etc it would easily be a disaster! We started off real slow, and that would be my advice to you too. That way you can keep your eyes open for red flags 1
Author Montana 1968 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 He is still friends with her on Facebook, I asked him why and he said it's because he's "Nosey" and he wanted to see who she was talking too !!!!, isn't that Stalking ?, I think i can hear "Alarm Bells" ringing guys.
KathyM Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 He is still friends with her on Facebook, I asked him why and he said it's because he's "Nosey" and he wanted to see who she was talking too !!!!, isn't that Stalking ?, I think i can hear "Alarm Bells" ringing guys. If he's still checking up on her on FB and concerned about who she is talking to, then he is not over her and not available to invest emotionally in another relationship. 1
Author Montana 1968 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Yes, they have 3 girls together.
StayBeautiful Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Oh, and you might not be at this stage yet, but with a separated man you can only date. You can't buy somewhere to live with him, or pool your finances or buy anything jointly, or become dependent on him financially by having children and having to leave work for a while. Because everything you buy with him becomes a marital asset. And if you get pregnant, then the divorce goes through and ends up costing him more than you thought, you'll probably have to give birth on your way to work. Didn't happen to me, but I ran a support forum many years ago for second wives. Seen all this and much more. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I am still "friends" wth my xw on fb, but we share a son together. however, I do not check her page and I could care less if she is talking with anyone. in fact I sincerely hope she is. I felt this way before the d was final so dating someone soon after was never an issue for me. I was detached emotionally for years (sexless marriage after our son was born).
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