singme2sleep Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Hi everyone. I haven't been on here in awhile, but last week (the day after my birthday) was officially 6 months since my breakup. As of April, my ex was with someone new and I still assume he is because I refuse to look him up on social media or ask a mutual friend anything about him. Now I do feel that emotionally I have improved and I don't cry much anymore, it's still hard to imagine being with a new guy. I have been asked out twice since he dumped me, but at those times I just wasn't ready. Does anyone else feel that they will never find love again? Ever worry that you won't have that kind of deep connection with another person? Maybe it revolves around the fact that I thought he was The One. But why is it so hard to imagine moving on, when you have an ex who already has? 2
Steve11 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Because we want them to still want us? And we can't comprehend them doing this stuff we used to do with a new person. It's ****. I'm only 2 days into no contact 3 weeks since break up, so I'm probably not the best to give advice at the moment. But you've gone quite sometime, you just need to keep moving. It's easier said than done, I know. 1
Author singme2sleep Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 Steve- it's not that I necessarily want him to still want me, I just am at a place where I can't imagine falling for anyone else. I know there's millions of people in the world but I'm afraid I'll never find something that even comes close to the relationship I had
iouaname Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Does anyone else feel that they will never find love again? Ever worry that you won't have that kind of deep connection with another person? Yes, definitely. I feel like that all the time. My ex checked so many boxes that were musts for me, and honestly - I've never met anyone that compares to him. My ex was everything that I never even knew that I wanted. Honestly, I have no idea if he is seeing someone else. I don't speak to him and I refuse to look on social media as well, but I know that I have not moved on and I am okay with that. I'm not ready to be with someone else. Here's how I try to think about it: You will not fall in love or meet anyone else... until you do. Think back to before you met your ex. Did you imagine meeting him? Did you always know that this man was going to be out there? No, of course not. It's hard for us to imagine things that haven't happened. It will happen, though, because everyone I know has been through a breakup and has eventually found someone else. 4
travelbug1996 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I'm about 5 months out and I'm almost paranoid about meeting someone. Mostly because my ex turned into Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde ao I'm not trusting my own judgment this time around. Gonna give myself a nice long break from relationships and dating period. 2
Author singme2sleep Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 IOU- I agree with how you said that your ex was everything you never knew you wanted, I honestly felt that way too. He possessed qualities I didn't normally find attractive but I guess we can't help who we fall for. You're also right about never expecting to meet them and love them, and you aren't the first person to point this out to me. A part of me wants to believe I will get another love but like you, I still don't really feel ready. I think the dumper can and does move on much sooner while the dumpee continues to lick their wounds. But that's ok, we need the time to clear our heads. 1
thishatteredsymphony Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 IOU- I agree with how you said that your ex was everything you never knew you wanted, I honestly felt that way too. He possessed qualities I didn't normally find attractive but I guess we can't help who we fall for. You're also right about never expecting to meet them and love them, and you aren't the first person to point this out to me. A part of me wants to believe I will get another love but like you, I still don't really feel ready. I think the dumper can and does move on much sooner while the dumpee continues to lick their wounds. But that's ok, we need the time to clear our heads. The dumper generally has clocked out of the relationship long before we as the dumpees have. They were ready to move on much longer than we were. That's why we aren't ready yet. Especially if the break up comes as a complete surprise to the dumpee. I'm currently about 7 weeks post break up and 4 weeks of NC. I felt in the first two weeks of NC that I couldn't find someone else like my ex. But here I am at 4 weeks and I can say with certainty that I will find someone else, who will be much better. However, that doesn't mean I'm ready to date yet. I still need a lot more time to heal. Be strong and keep your chin up. 1
supaflyz Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I wish there is some pill or psychological therapy that I could go through to forget about all of this. It is a life experience. However, I wish I never knew her at all. My mind is going crazy. 2
lop98 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I remember feeling that (especially wishing a pill to cure heartbreak existed). I was so convinced no one would ever come remotely close to everything my ex was, which was everything I always wanted in a man... or so I thought. When a guy that in better [single] days I would've considered my type asked me out, I felt a mix of sadness and outrage, sadness because it served as a reminder that I was actually single and everything with the ex was most certainly through, outrage and pity because how dare this person attempted to walk into my life when I had already found someone so "perfect" (who didn't love me enough to be with me but was otherwise my "dream" man), I didn't say yes but didn't say no either, but I knew for sure I was definitely DEFINITELY not ready at all to even consider anything with him, not even a coffee, I was so heartbroken. We started having coffee continually ... I said yes, the first time because I was drunk, the second time because I was going crazy with my obsessive thoughts about my ex and the breakup and his new gf and the breadcrumbs, one more minute locked in my room could only make me more nauseous.. and the following times because I liked how I'd forget my ex for at least 2 hours with this person... then he did all these amazing things... like caring for starters, and months later I have fallen in love, the kind of love I never experienced with my ex, I don't even know if that was love anymore, despite the good moments it still hurt like a bitch from beginning to end. I can only say, from my limited experience, that while you're hurting you will never feel like you're ready, and the less ready you feel the more you hurt for some strange reason, neglecting the opportunity to at least detach yourself from all the memories, expectations and idealizations. In a perfect world where emotions function like computers, you go out there and meet other people 100% healed and "ready"... I don't think it works like that for most ordinary people... and meeting people with all their baggage is part of the experience of learning to "synch" with one another, and learning to grow and heal together and find new struggles. 2
Estylo Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I am also going through a breakup. The mind loves to torture us and believe me, this **** gets annoying quick! Half of the stuff that your mind plays, aint even happening.... I'm on 1 month NC....keeping busy and trying to move on. Falling out of love can prove difficult, but stopping ourselves from putting our ex on a pedestal is a great start. I still believe that someone will come out of no where...they always do Cheer up and stay strong...its all we can do! Love yourself first...nothing else matters. 1
crederer Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I've been broken up a little over 4 months. Been on a few dates, and I always find myself thinking of her while on said dates. Tells me I'm not ready for it. I know my ex hasn't seen or slept with anyone since the break up, but I also know this will not be the case forever. The idea of that kills me more than anything, as illogical as it sounds. I feel you. I've had a few break ups but this is the first that messed with my head. Also the first time I was the dumpee rather than the dumper....might have a role in things, I dunno.
Author singme2sleep Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I know that many of you are going through the same thing, and it's tough. Guess I also don't feel that I have many options...guys have it easier! The love I had with my ex just seemed so perfect and right, until he suddenly wanted out. Still not sure what I did wrong, and perhaps I never will?!?
CorridorE Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I'm about 5 months out and I'm almost paranoid about meeting someone. Mostly because my ex turned into Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde ao I'm not trusting my own judgment this time around. Gonna give myself a nice long break from relationships and dating period. Same here. I just passed the 5 month mark a few days ago, and I think I'm at a place where I could handle a healthy, happy relationship with someone new... but I don't really want one right now. I am still getting over him, and I think I'm also still getting over my fear that in next guy could change so much for the worst the way he did.
Author singme2sleep Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 Same here. I just passed the 5 month mark a few days ago, and I think I'm at a place where I could handle a healthy, happy relationship with someone new... but I don't really want one right now. I am still getting over him, and I think I'm also still getting over my fear that in next guy could change so much for the worst the way he did. I know what you mean. I think I could be ready but at the same time I really don't want anyone new. The funny thing is that my ex wasn't much my type in the beginning, he's attractive but has qualities I usually don't find appealing. Ironic that I'm hung up on him now because I never desired to be with someone like him.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Guess I also don't feel that I have many options...guys have it easier! I disagree. You ladies have way more options. You can just sit back and take your pick. Us dudes end up doing all the chasing in the beginning. And lot's of competition too. Chin up, young lady. You WILL be fine 1
feelinghopeless89 Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 I am feeling exactly the way you feel right now. I am so sorry you are going through this hard time... it is just horrible. I wish I was as strong as you social media wise. My ex left me for his ex and got her pregnant while he was still "figuring things out" with me. It has been 8 months since he told me he was confused, and 7 months since he told me she was pregnant. Everyday since I found that out, I am CONSTANTLY checking her Instagram/Facebook (my ex deleted his). And it is just pure torture. Almost like an addiction... I know what I'm doing is hurting me but I for some reason am not able to stop myself. I also thought my ex was the love of my life. For months I would cry everyday, not eat, stay in bed til night time, and then when everyone else was going to bed I stayed up and cried my eyes out. A couple months ago I finally got out of that dark time but I still drive myself crazy missing him and thinking about him and his girlfriend together. I am also terrified that I will never find someone I was so in love with. So much chemistry, best friends, inseperable. I am seeing a therapist and this topic comes up a lot. Her advice to me is to not idealize him, and think about the negatives and the reality of the relationship when I put him on a pedestal. She also said one positive thing about going through this is that I know what I am looking for in a guy (nurturing, best friend, attentive, etc). She always reminds me not to settle and the right guy will come once I stop looking and really concentrate on making myself happy without depending on a guy. Again, I am so sorry and I know EXACTLY how you feel. These posts are sad but also comforting knowing that we aren't alone. Time has been known to heal, and I cannot wait for the day I look back at this and realize how strongly I came out of it. Good luck to you and as hard as it is, just try being positive. There is someone out there for you, and when the time is right, he will find you . 1
Author singme2sleep Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 I am feeling exactly the way you feel right now. I am so sorry you are going through this hard time... it is just horrible. I wish I was as strong as you social media wise. My ex left me for his ex and got her pregnant while he was still "figuring things out" with me. It has been 8 months since he told me he was confused, and 7 months since he told me she was pregnant. Everyday since I found that out, I am CONSTANTLY checking her Instagram/Facebook (my ex deleted his). And it is just pure torture. Almost like an addiction... I know what I'm doing is hurting me but I for some reason am not able to stop myself. I also thought my ex was the love of my life. For months I would cry everyday, not eat, stay in bed til night time, and then when everyone else was going to bed I stayed up and cried my eyes out. A couple months ago I finally got out of that dark time but I still drive myself crazy missing him and thinking about him and his girlfriend together. I am also terrified that I will never find someone I was so in love with. So much chemistry, best friends, inseperable. I am seeing a therapist and this topic comes up a lot. Her advice to me is to not idealize him, and think about the negatives and the reality of the relationship when I put him on a pedestal. She also said one positive thing about going through this is that I know what I am looking for in a guy (nurturing, best friend, attentive, etc). She always reminds me not to settle and the right guy will come once I stop looking and really concentrate on making myself happy without depending on a guy. Again, I am so sorry and I know EXACTLY how you feel. These posts are sad but also comforting knowing that we aren't alone. Time has been known to heal, and I cannot wait for the day I look back at this and realize how strongly I came out of it. Good luck to you and as hard as it is, just try being positive. There is someone out there for you, and when the time is right, he will find you . I don't search him out on social media because I know I won't like what I find. There would most likely be a picture of him with my replacement and that's how I know I'm not really over him yet...seeing that would hurt me still! While I'm sorry that you're hurting, it's nice in a way to know that others are in the same emotional place as me. I have heard people say that this is the stage where it always feels like we won't love again, but someday we will. Well I truly hope that day comes lol. Unlike my ex, I don't think of people as pennies on the ground. That if you drop one, you just pick up a newer and shinier one instead. Good people are precious and good love is rare, though not everyone sees it that way. You said you are out of the dark side but continue to miss him and focus on the past, me too. I did read somewhere that in the long run it's actually better to be the dumpee instead of the dumper. Maybe that is true? Good luck to you also, we're going to be alright :-)
orionboxing Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 I don't search him out on social media because I know I won't like what I find. There would most likely be a picture of him with my replacement and that's how I know I'm not really over him yet...seeing that would hurt me still! While I'm sorry that you're hurting, it's nice in a way to know that others are in the same emotional place as me. I have heard people say that this is the stage where it always feels like we won't love again, but someday we will. Well I truly hope that day comes lol. Unlike my ex, I don't think of people as pennies on the ground. That if you drop one, you just pick up a newer and shinier one instead. Good people are precious and good love is rare, though not everyone sees it that way. You said you are out of the dark side but continue to miss him and focus on the past, me too. I did read somewhere that in the long run it's actually better to be the dumpee instead of the dumper. Maybe that is true? Good luck to you also, we're going to be alright :-) Singme2sleep, you seem like such a great person. And yes. Good, healthy love is indeed rare. It seems like we are all in this together. So much of what I read about you I've gone through as well. I've been officially divorced (I asked to leave, she filed) since last November and I still am not out of the fog. My wife moved on rather quickly after a three year marriage/5-year relationship, and started dating a co-worker 2 or 3 months after it was official. No cheating was involved but as I was still licking my wounds she had already found someone and they're relationship has grown into very serious, very quickly. The guy is Facebook friends with her entire family already, attends family functions with them, and we've haven't even been divorced a year! Her new guy is also stalked me on Facebook, Linkedin, and my web address. Not a good feeling. It is incredibly depressing to see someone standing in the place you used to be and wife someone you took vows with...but I knew it eventually was going to happen. But that fast?!!! I found myself it two brief relationships this past spring/summer. Even with these women, my heart was still with my ex-wife and I wonder if this will ever fade. It got so bad, that when I'd lean in and kiss them, I pretended it was my ex-wife. Not a good place to be. Singme2sleep - I suggest you go on a few casual dates during your recovery period and test the waters a little bit and get some confidence. It will be fun to dress up and look pretty for someone and you won't feel so alone....
Author singme2sleep Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Orion- thank you for your kind words, we are all in this together. And I sympathize with your situation as well, it is difficult to bare knowing they've already moved on because it makes it feel like we meant nothing to them.
Virgil876 Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 singme2sleep, you made me sad, with the crying etc... :'( But never afraid, my first serious girlfriend took me so long to recover (she went off with another guy), I think it took me a year or so. This time around, current ex-girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me 10 days ago, citing "I don't love you anymore and I can't do this anymore", which like you, I don't think I will ever know what I did wrong, but I guess it won't be anything I (we) did. However I am taking this very well, which is even a shock to me. All in all, hang in there, concentrate on yourself in everyway!
fujidabruin Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Yes, definitely. I feel like that all the time. My ex checked so many boxes that were musts for me, and honestly - I've never met anyone that compares to him. My ex was everything that I never even knew that I wanted. Honestly, I have no idea if he is seeing someone else. I don't speak to him and I refuse to look on social media as well, but I know that I have not moved on and I am okay with that. I'm not ready to be with someone else. Here's how I try to think about it: You will not fall in love or meet anyone else... until you do. Think back to before you met your ex. Did you imagine meeting him? Did you always know that this man was going to be out there? No, of course not. It's hard for us to imagine things that haven't happened. It will happen, though, because everyone I know has been through a breakup and has eventually found someone else. Great way to look at things..... Yes, I still think that she has been the best person for me. But, maybe just at that time in my life. Have I had other great relationships that were different than the last??? For sure, so I should be able to have at least another good one. Why compare? I want to just move forward, get in my happy & loving place then allow the chips to fall where they may. Thanks IOU not sure I really GOT what I said till now. I LOVE THIS SITE!!!
fujidabruin Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 IOU- I agree with how you said that your ex was everything you never knew you wanted, I honestly felt that way too. He possessed qualities I didn't normally find attractive but I guess we can't help who we fall for. You're also right about never expecting to meet them and love them, and you aren't the first person to point this out to me. A part of me wants to believe I will get another love but like you, I still don't really feel ready. I think the dumper can and does move on much sooner while the dumpee continues to lick their wounds. But that's ok, we need the time to clear our heads. Wish I would have caught this thread earlier..... you people are expressing so many things that I am just figuring out for myself now. The kinship is amazing here! Just did not expect that it could be so supportive and empowering at the same time. singme2sleep, I am hoping the best for you and I think you are in a great place. I wish you peace for now and whatever you seek to experience later. 2
Author singme2sleep Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 For me the hardest part is being told I was so different from other girls and special, then being replaced like an old pair of shoes! But I won't be bitter, because someday he'll be sorry and it will be too damn late. 2
fujidabruin Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 For me the hardest part is being told I was so different from other girls and special, then being replaced like an old pair of shoes! But I won't be bitter, because someday he'll be sorry and it will be too damn late. I know how you feel. Feel like she was the best thing in my life and she used to tell me how I was different than any other man that had come before. She said she loved me, that I always knew the right thing to say and how to make her feel special. So for that, I get tossed aside so she can go try something different??? I am not bitter and I have NO regrets. It was great and now it is over. @Singme2sleep..... you and I will simply not care if they are sorry or not later cause once we have moved on we will be open to the person that we deserve and not the one who takes our best then chooses to replace us "like an old pair of shoes" May be hard to truly feel this way but..... GOOD RIDDANCE!
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