lasonadora Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I need advice! I'm 28, but I don't have an exceptional amount of experience with dating around. I was in a long-term relationship for several years and one other somewhat long relationship. I have a profile on OKCupid, but after my last relationship ended, I wasn't ready to date again so I just set it up to "looking for friends" so that I could get out and meet guys without there being so much pressure for it to end in something. A friend of mine came to visit from out of town and I was showing him around, we went to a bar, and while there, a guy from that site recognized me and sent me a message saying only, "I saw you at [that bar] tonight with a gent. Wished it were me." I looked at the guy's profile and we were like a 99% match. His profile said he was only looking for friends. I responded but I ended up leaving the country for several months shortly after that and a few weeks before I came back, he messaged me suggesting we meet up once I get back. We met a few days after I got home and he was incredibly sweet and I felt this tremendous connection with him but on that first "date" nothing happened. We hugged goodbye at the end. We met three more times after that, the fourth time, I was definitely certain I wanted to kiss him, but it didn't happen, so I jokingly sent him a text after he left saying, "hey wtf didn't you kiss me? I kinda wanted to," and he replied, "Same here, only there was no 'kinda'." and went on to explain that he had been misreading me and thinking I wasn't interested. I realized this was all a huge faux pas--at this point, I liked him enough that I wanted to have sex with him. So I made sure the fifth time we met, it was near my apartment and we ended up back here, made out and had sex after everything. The kissing was great, the sex was great, but most notably, the emotional intimacy that there was after the sex was paramount, something I've never felt with anyone, ever--and I could tell he felt the same way. He had to go home (it was a Sunday night) but he told me he couldn't wait to see me again and then texted me a couple of times the next day telling me how much he likes me and how much he enjoyed the night before. The thing is... I don't know if he's seeing anyone else. I'd like to think, given how emotionally intimate that all felt, that he's not. But I know I can't make assumptions. Is it too soon to be having this kind of talk with him or should I just enjoy for what it is for now? We don't see each other every day, it's been more like a couple of times a week and I'm not really too sure what he's doing on those nights I don't see him (but then, I haven't really asked). I'm also realizing that this OKCupid profile I have, which he's seen, might be misrepresenting me because I go on about how I'm not too serious about dating at the moment (though I very easily could be with him) so I figure he is unclear about my intentions. I want to see him more but I don't want to be overbearing or move things forward too fast... because it'd be so easy to do that given that I like him so much. Should I wait it out or am I just shooting myself in the foot by talking myself out of that?
Babolat Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Basically, I think you are asking yourself "are we exclusive?". If you want to be, then I think now is the time to have the conversation. With my last gf, before we had sex, she made it clear she does not have sex with someone unless they are exclusive. She kept telling me "I need to tell you something about sex". I kind of figured it out on my own. You have already had sex, so that is not a criteria for you, but now you are asking yourself...so have the talk, next time you see him. Say "I need to talk to you about....." 1
Philosoraptor Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Just take the lead with it if it's something you want right now. Sounds like you two are really into one another so what do you have to lose? Worst he can say is no, and then you just continue what you're doing and leave the ball in his court.
Author lasonadora Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Just take the lead with it if it's something you want right now. Sounds like you two are really into one another so what do you have to lose? Worst he can say is no, and then you just continue what you're doing and leave the ball in his court. The thing is, I'm not sure if I really care about it at the moment. I have no interest in seeing anyone else, but I'm very independent and have historically wound up in codependent relationships and that's the last thing I want. I like him a lot... I think for me it's more about knowing if he sees long-term potential in me or if he's just wanting to have fun. I think my concern is that I don't know what's "normal," especially at this age, or if I'm going to look crazy trying to establish exclusivity after 5 dates.
Babolat Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 The thing is, I'm not sure if I really care about it at the moment. I have no interest in seeing anyone else, but I'm very independent and have historically wound up in codependent relationships and that's the last thing I want. I like him a lot... I think for me it's more about knowing if he sees long-term potential in me or if he's just wanting to have fun. I think my concern is that I don't know what's "normal," especially at this age, or if I'm going to look crazy trying to establish exclusivity after 5 dates. You sound a bit confused, which is normal. Maybe give it a few more dates and do not try to out think it in the meantime. 1
Treasa Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I don't think you should be exclusive until you feel comfortable enough to ask if you are. Problem solved. Wait until you feel comfortable enough to ask him. Then go with the answer. If you want to date other guys, let him know you're doing so (I think it's considerate), and if you don't want to date other guys, just don't date other guys. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 The big question for me is, how long have you been single? Because this sounds a bit too soon and you're already on your relationship roll, I realize you felt this amazing emotional connection and all that but If this guy is going off what your representation was on the website and with the conversation pretty much just light and the dates just kind of "fun"...he might have just taken you for a "good time girl" and just because he felt something doesn't mean he's ready or looking for a relationship...you can't assume either exactly how he felt, you can read LS all day and plenty of women make that mistake...but it's a two-way street this whole love thing. I think at this point your best bet is to really just give this time to develop and even given yourself time to adapt and adjust to the new situation with this guy. You obviously wanted to be intimate and we're ready so you helped take it to that next level, now see how interested he is at this point...you've already had sex, so now you might find out how interested this guy is in you...if he feels the same way he will reciprocate and keep in contact, otherwise he'll just keep things steady or lose interest if that's all that was there for him. You seem over anxious and in that "I want to know panic" that women do when they're really interested in a guy, so I doubt you're going to be able to keep a lid on this and he might notice that shift and be drawn away by it...I don't know why, but as a feeling, I'm thinking this guy isn't going to be that into you.
Phantom888 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 If you had sex, you have every right to know if he is seeing anyone else. In fact, you have every right to demand exclusivity if that's what you want. I mean, do you really want to be with someone who sleeps around? There is no such thing as too soon. There should be plenty of open honesty when these is sex involved. Don't be shy about it. Ask what you need to find out. I don't have sex unless we are exclusive. I do not want to assume or even think about my woman with anyone else while she is with me. This is necessary to protect one's self. 5
Author lasonadora Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 The big question for me is, how long have you been single? Because this sounds a bit too soon and you're already on your relationship roll, I realize you felt this amazing emotional connection and all that but If this guy is going off what your representation was on the website and with the conversation pretty much just light and the dates just kind of "fun"...he might have just taken you for a "good time girl" and just because he felt something doesn't mean he's ready or looking for a relationship...you can't assume either exactly how he felt, you can read LS all day and plenty of women make that mistake...but it's a two-way street this whole love thing. I think at this point your best bet is to really just give this time to develop and even given yourself time to adapt and adjust to the new situation with this guy. You obviously wanted to be intimate and we're ready so you helped take it to that next level, now see how interested he is at this point...you've already had sex, so now you might find out how interested this guy is in you...if he feels the same way he will reciprocate and keep in contact, otherwise he'll just keep things steady or lose interest if that's all that was there for him. You seem over anxious and in that "I want to know panic" that women do when they're really interested in a guy, so I doubt you're going to be able to keep a lid on this and he might notice that shift and be drawn away by it...I don't know why, but as a feeling, I'm thinking this guy isn't going to be that into you. I've been single for almost 7 months. I'm not really in a panic or anything at all and I'm not in a rush to become exclusive--it's just uncertainty on my part not knowing how to do things. I dated around a bit when I first became single so I have experience in just being casual, but nothing beyond for when I start to get real feelings for someone (I also chalk this up to the fact that guys I've dated long-term have noted that I am not a very good communicator so if that's a serious issue for me, I want to get better with it in the future). Not sure about the "good time girl" comment... the conversation wasn't exactly "light" (not sure where that came from, I didn't say that?)--it was kind of the opposite and we talked a lot about our pasts and stuff we care about a lot... I've already told him that I like him a lot and he said he likes me a lot as well. But I guess everyone is right in saying just hold off on having that conversation until it just feels right. That makes plenty of sense.
Author lasonadora Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 If you had sex, you have every right to know if he is seeing anyone else. In fact, you have every right to demand exclusivity if that's what you want. I mean, do you really want to be with someone who sleeps around? There is no such thing as too soon. There should be plenty of open honesty when these is sex involved. Don't be shy about it. Ask what you need to find out. I don't have sex unless we are exclusive. I do not want to assume or even think about my woman with anyone else while she is with me. This is necessary to protect one's self. That's a good point. Without sharing too much personal information, I'll say I live in a city where it's fairly common for people in their 20s to be a more relaxed and liberal with dating. I've never really demanded exclusivity from anyone so it's new territory for me. Each guy I've been with before has just handed "exclusive" to me on a big silver platter without me having to bring it up, maybe even pushing it on me a bit ("So are you my girlfriend then?" after making out once)
Babolat Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 That's a good point. Without sharing too much personal information, I'll say I live in a city where it's fairly common for people in their 20s to be a more relaxed and liberal with dating. I've never really demanded exclusivity from anyone so it's new territory for me. Each guy I've been with before has just handed "exclusive" to me on a big silver platter without me having to bring it up, maybe even pushing it on me a bit ("So are you my girlfriend then?" after making out once) I have heard people say this before, "where I live....". I don't follow that belief, though I understand what you are saying. Morals, values, character, are not driven by your "location" in my opinion; they are taught/learned from an early age and are inside you, no matter what your zip code is. The location may make it easier... 1
Babolat Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 (I also chalk this up to the fact that guys I've dated long-term have noted that I am not a very good communicator so if that's a serious issue for me, I want to get better with it in the future My ex gf was not the best communicator either. She now acknowledges that and is trying to talk to me more. It's as if she spoke to me in code and it was up to me to get it. For example a "What are you doing?" text was usually her way of saying "Can I see you". No time like the present to start working on this...
RedRobin Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 If you put 'friends' on OkC, most men assume 'friends with benefits'... I have a profile there that I check occasionally, and all it says is 'friends' and 'activity partners'. I also say on my profile that is not 'code' for anything else... that I really mean JUST PLATONIC FRIENDS. so... like another poster said, the guy probably assumes you are down for something strictly casual unless you say otherwise.
Adele0908 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I think you should just ask him if he is seeing anyone else. That way you get it off your chest and no longer have to worry about it. 1
Author lasonadora Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 If you put 'friends' on OkC, most men assume 'friends with benefits'... I have a profile there that I check occasionally, and all it says is 'friends' and 'activity partners'. I also say on my profile that is not 'code' for anything else... that I really mean JUST PLATONIC FRIENDS. so... like another poster said, the guy probably assumes you are down for something strictly casual unless you say otherwise. Yeah, that bugs me. When we had sex, I had said something like, "It's been a while for me..." so assuming he was paying any attention, he should know I'm not just hooking up with tons of people using that site. I'm going out with him again tomorrow. Assuming it all goes well, my plan was to deactivate my profile first and then later bring it up. I'm not planning on dating anyone else anyway. But even with the profile, it's confusing because we didn't even kiss until the 5th date and he seems like he probably would have gone along still even had I not made the first move... I have a couple of guy friends who I originally met off of OKCupid who tell me I don't even sort of give off the vibe that I'm the kind of person looking for a FWB deal. I don't know if I'm just overcomplicating it or what. My last relationship, my ex was kind of an ******* who continued to keep a profile on that site after we were exclusive and so I've always been kind of weird about it
RedRobin Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Yeah, that bugs me. When we had sex, I had said something like, "It's been a while for me..." so assuming he was paying any attention, he should know I'm not just hooking up with tons of people using that site. I'm going out with him again tomorrow. Assuming it all goes well, my plan was to deactivate my profile first and then later bring it up. I'm not planning on dating anyone else anyway. But even with the profile, it's confusing because we didn't even kiss until the 5th date and he seems like he probably would have gone along still even had I not made the first move... I have a couple of guy friends who I originally met off of OKCupid who tell me I don't even sort of give off the vibe that I'm the kind of person looking for a FWB deal. I don't know if I'm just overcomplicating it or what. My last relationship, my ex was kind of an ******* who continued to keep a profile on that site after we were exclusive and so I've always been kind of weird about it I believe you will have more luck being up front and very clear rather than try to drop subtle hints hoping he picks up on it. 2
Author lasonadora Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 I believe you will have more luck being up front and very clear rather than try to drop subtle hints hoping he picks up on it. I agree. I'm seeing him tonight and I'm just going to feel out the tone of everything between us and decide whether to directly bring it up or wait until a later time. I'm still probably going to deactivate the dating profile regardless though--not to drop hints, but just because it feels right for me.
BluEyeL Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 You could just ask him what is his position about multidating, and see what he says, then that could develop into you stating that you are OK with multidating (or not) but not while having sex with others. I wouldn't take down my profile before he does.
Author lasonadora Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 You could just ask him what is his position about multidating, and see what he says, then that could develop into you stating that you are OK with multidating (or not) but not while having sex with others. I wouldn't take down my profile before he does. Well, I'm not taking the profile down for him. I just don't want it. I get flooded with messages on there and I haven't been responding to any of them lately (partially because I'm into him, but also because I'm just very selective to start). I'm not sure when the appropriate moment is to ask this or how to even edge into it gracefully. Are we just sitting around, about to make out, and suddenly, I'm blurting out, "Are you doing this with other people?" I know that's a dumb question--I've never had to ask it before.
Pookie5 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Personally speaking, I don't judge. But I don't understand how having sex before the talk makes any sense? If you are able to be that intimate then why can't you have the talk? Sex is beautiful and intense communication between two people you don't want him to use you or cheat on you. You clearly liked him enough to let him, so I suggest you have the talk before anyone gets hurt. He might want to be exclusive too. You never know. 1
Pookie5 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 And don't ask are you doing this with other people.. Bc that's just immature. When you guys are starting to be intimate, ask" what are we right now and what are we going to be". 1
Author lasonadora Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 And don't ask are you doing this with other people.. Bc that's just immature. When you guys are starting to be intimate, ask" what are we right now and what are we going to be". Yeah. I think that's how I'm going to handle it. Because asking "are you doing this with other people" doesn't even make sense, it just sets it up to be negative and accusatory in some way. I'm nervous because my last relationship was with a gigantic commitment-phobe who made me feel like I wasn't allowed to have feelings or expectations. I know plenty of people are not like that all but just getting over that has been hell and accepting that I'm allowed to and that it's perfectly normal to want to be close with someone.
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