veryhappy Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 What have you two discussed about having children?
Pierre Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Then we see his ex in a pub somewhere and he's really nice to her and all these scenarios play over in my head , will he be texting her tomorrow ect , and I can't get it out of my mind for days . I suspect this guy loves to make you jealous. Whenever you are jealous he gets validation. And I can see why he is also very jealous. 1
Author Tenbob Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 What have you two discussed about having children? Neither of us want children , and this will not change.
Author Tenbob Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 I suspect this guy loves to make you jealous. Whenever you are jealous he gets validation. And I can see why he is also very jealous. I think if he caught me having an affair he would be devastated . I also suspect I would be out of my ass with no second chances. N does like to feel validated , but I want to teach him other ways he can get that feeling while keeping little N in his pants. I do compliment him quite often , If he looks or smells nice I tell him. If he does something nice I show appreciation. Him and his brother are very close in age and I feel there's been a lot of competition between them over the years and N has felt pushed out at times , and the brother has done a lot of bed hopping , but while he was single . Maybe this is a factor ??
Steadfast Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 A person is measured by what they do. Not what they say, or how they portray themselves. I dare say you're seeing what you want to see. The problem here isn't him or what he might do. And it isn't her...if indeed, she's the 'her' that will capture his attention at some point. The problem is looking back at you in the mirror. Despite a nagging sense that you should do otherwise, you encouraged this, participated, fostered and embraced this highly flawed and very susceptible relationship. His track record is established. You must love a challenge, or the thrill of winning, or whatever. You're younger and prettier...celebrate! Using the criteria you assume would (or should) be important to him gives you the edge. But are you younger and prettier than everyone? When does that stop mattering? Wish I could turn back time and do things differently - and properly . Shudda coulda woulda :/ And now it's too late. You 'love' him. Well, you have him. Enjoy.
Pierre Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I think if he caught me having an affair he would be devastated . I also suspect I would be out of my ass with no second chances. N does like to feel validated , but I want to teach him other ways he can get that feeling while keeping little N in his pants. I do compliment him quite often , If he looks or smells nice I tell him. If he does something nice I show appreciation. Him and his brother are very close in age and I feel there's been a lot of competition between them over the years and N has felt pushed out at times , and the brother has done a lot of bed hopping , but while he was single . Maybe this is a factor ?? As I said before. No one can keep another person validated 24/7 year in year out. At some point you will fail. Ideally it is best to have a partner that requires no external validation. 1
findingnemo Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Someone is going to dump this guy and I hope it is you. What is it that both of you women find so attractive about him? You haven't got him. So you don't really have to worry about how to get from an A to a real R. You are in neither right now. How about you "allow" him to explore his options with other people and you move on with your life? 1
Pierre Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Someone is going to dump this guy and I hope it is you. What is it that both of you women find so attractive about him? You haven't got him. So you don't really have to worry about how to get from an A to a real R. You are in neither right now. How about you "allow" him to explore his options with other people and you move on with your life? I agree. I also don't like the title of the thread. It really looks like a vagina competition and it should not be that way. I think OP is way too much for this guy. She is dating below her league.
Author Tenbob Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 A person is measured by what they do. Not what they say, or how they portray themselves. I dare say you're seeing what you want to see. The problem here isn't him or what he might do. And it isn't her...if indeed, she's the 'her' that will capture his attention at some point. The problem is looking back at you in the mirror. Despite a nagging sense that you should do otherwise, you encouraged this, participated, fostered and embraced this highly flawed and very susceptible relationship. His track record is established. You must love a challenge, or the thrill of winning, or whatever. You're younger and prettier...celebrate! Using the criteria you assume would (or should) be important to him gives you the edge. But are you younger and prettier than everyone? When does that stop mattering? And now it's too late. You 'love' him. Well, you have him. Enjoy. This is correct in a way - I did wrong but I held my hands up to the world and said "this isn't something cheap and sordid, we genuinely care and have intense feelings for each other" which I very much believed at the time. Believe it or not I actually am a fairly honourable , kind caring and loving person with a high sense of morals believe it or not..... I made a mistake , I am human. It wasent the thrill of the chase or a competition , I fell for somebody I shouldn't have. She wasent even a factor in this , it was only ever about him and me in my eyes anyway . End of the day , things really haven't worked out the way I wanted them too , I'm just looking for opinions and comments from people who don't know us , people who arnt on team Tenbob , team X or team N Maybe I'm getting what I deserve , who knows
Author Tenbob Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I agree. I also don't like the title of the thread. It really looks like a vagina competition and it should not be that way. I think OP is way too much for this guy. She is dating below her league. Pierre it does look like a competition you are correct , it feels like a competition and I hate it . I've never been cheated on before and I don't know how to deal with it , I hate feeling jealous of a woman when I can't see a reason to be jealous , if she was 21 and vivacious and with some sparkle I could understand it better !! The man was a walking wallet to her , she's more bothered about losing the cushy lifestyle she had . And before anybody thinks it , this is not about money - he's no millionaire and I have my own money , everything is split 50/50 between me and him and always will be. One of my girlfriends thinks she must be dynamite in bed .
Baby123 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I guess in some ways I have some things in common with you, My MM chose to be with me, the BS chose to try fight tooth and nail for him and we also have an age gap. Physically me and the BS have little in common shes a blonde big boobed lady, im petit with dark features- i'd say MM gets a lot more compliments for being with me than her, but me and the BS are too different its hard to compare. It is very difficult looking over your shoulder in a R, because as much as the MM might love you, the people in his life, his family and friends along with her are fighting their cause. They also have history, assets and in my case kids together. I think sometimes MM feels like hes hurting so many people just to please me and him and its hard because that affects our relationship. I feel like sometimes on some level (especially after hes seen his children) he resents me for making him want to leave. I don't have the answers to your questions, but what I would say is if MM showed me even for one second he was devoted to her or himself or any other woman more than me in anyway he would be OUT and he knows this. He will not do to me what he did to her. You seem to be accepting way to much from this man, with very little in return. I know he left, but that's one thing, what about the rest? also a serial cheater?
Pierre Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I don't have the answers to your questions, but what I would say is if MM showed me even for one second he was devoted to her or himself or any other woman more than me in anyway he would be OUT and he knows this. He will not do to me what he did to her. You seem to be accepting way to much from this man, with very little in return. I know he left, but that's one thing, what about the rest? also a serial cheater? Famous last words. That is what everybody says before being cheated on. You are competing, don't kid yourself.
Baby123 Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Famous last words. That is what everybody says before being cheated on. You are competing, don't kid yourself. That's fine if he does, then he obv doesn't love me, and should go to whoever- I just want to know about it. I'm not saying MM would never, I'm just saying if he did or if he did show me one sign of loving someone else he'd be out on his ear.
Author Tenbob Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I DID accept a lot , I really did But I turned a blind eye in his 'confused' period and now I won't accept any BS , I just want the option not to get to that period again if I can avoid it After our A became public it became very clear that I have lost nothing - I was single , it's him that lost a partner , a co- bill payer , if I walk I'm no different to how I was 12 months ago.... But I love him and I want it to work
spiderowl Posted July 26, 2013 Posted July 26, 2013 Pierre it does look like a competition you are correct , it feels like a competition and I hate it . I've never been cheated on before and I don't know how to deal with it , I hate feeling jealous of a woman when I can't see a reason to be jealous , if she was 21 and vivacious and with some sparkle I could understand it better !! The man was a walking wallet to her , she's more bothered about losing the cushy lifestyle she had . And before anybody thinks it , this is not about money - he's no millionaire and I have my own money , everything is split 50/50 between me and him and always will be. One of my girlfriends thinks she must be dynamite in bed . It seems to me that this guy should be making you feel like there is no competition between you and his ex. If you are not feeling secure about that, then it suggests he is somehow fostering this competition. He clearly did that in the past, whether deliberately or not, by swapping between the two of you and remaining indecisive himself. It could be that you feel insecure because of what happened and that alone, but I have a feeling he is feeding this insecurity still, maybe with little remarks that suggest it's not exactly over with her. Think about the kinds of things he says about her. How much is he reassuring you and how much is he planting seeds of fear? I can see the benefits to him - he has two women wanting him, each fearful of losing him and each trying their best to please him. Who wouldn't want to be in that position? He must feel like a god. Meanwhile, you live in fear and his ex wife suffers the loss. Don't you think you deserve a better sort of guy who wants you, respects you, treats you well and who you feel safe with?
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