I got my man..... now what?

July 23, 2013

Hi everybody , im a new user and im really looking for some help and advice ....

Basically, im in a relationship with a man, il call him N, that started as an affair- in a nutshell he had been with his ex for 6 years, they lived together in HIS house , no kids no real ties.

Anyway- it all started last autumn with him trying to fix me up with his brother who i actually really liked at the time. All of a sudden it was N who i really liked and it kinda just came from nowhere, phsically they are alike but personality SOH ect they are poles apart and i was just so drawn to him.

It started with a drunken kiss, then another, then swapping phone numbers , then eventually a physical relationship.

I know his ex, we wernt friends as such more of a passing aquaintance- yes i felt guilty but i fell for him fast and hard and i wasent in it for just a sordid little fling.

He did say from the beginning he would never leave her, but eventually the big L word was mentioned between us both. I dont know if he ever would have left her for me as we got caught out after seeing each other for about 4 months. It all hit the fan and it came down to her or me, and he chose me - it wasent easy but he seemed so sure i was the one he wanted.

We spent xmas together, and the first hurdle came that he'd fallen into bed with her the day before xmas eve (they were still living in the same house) he admitted it straight away, he was sorry , and swore it would never happen again. But then it got a whole lot worse. He told me he couldnt be in a relationship with me just 6 weeks later, he was confused ect ect , needed time on his own the usual , and i was so shocked and devastated that all the heartache and trouble had been for nothing.

He spent the next 3/4 months seeing us both , i knew- she didnt. I turned a blind eye to it because i loved him and i was so sure he would choose me again. Im going to be brutally honest and say i think he loved having 2 women fighting for his affections and he was selfish, immature and heartless at this point. I finally got him to admit to us both what was going on and she told him to take a running jump. But then they were still sending personal messages to each other for ages about how good they were together , the love they shared ect (more from her than him) , she laid her heart on the line more than once saying how she hoped they would get back together one day and he never told her any different to be honest!!! On and off hes been a complete ass for 6 months.

Then things came to a head again- I wont really go into details but all of a sudden things just seemed to work out, me and him became a proper couple almost overnight, he started calling me his girlfriend, posting pictures of us on his social networking, introduced me to his family and things have been just perfect for 10 weeks or so- i thought finally we were getting somewhere!!! Hes told me he loves me and hes happy .

Now the ex is suddenly popping up again and im so full of stress and worry that its all going to happen again. I know she would do ANYTHING to get him back and every time his phone gos off, or im at work and hes in the house alone im convincing myself that somethings going to happen.

But then again, if he really wanted to be with her, she would take him back so why wouldnt he??? My head is a mess and all i want to do is put the past behind us and move on, im not proud of what we did but i love him, weve come through thick and thin and i dont want to lose him.

thoughts please xx

July 23, 2013

Chill. If he chooses to be with you, her attempts to lure him back will be fruitless.

If he's not really wanting to be with you, she - or anyone else - could lure him away. But would you want to be with someone who did not really want to be with you?

He will choose to be with whom he chooses to be with. He has no contract, property, kids or other bonds keeping him with you, or with her, so he's free to go where his heart chooses.

July 23, 2013

Deep down I know all this, I cant stop myself from thinking though, and its driving me mad. Me and his ex are totally chalk and cheese, personality wise, emotionally and physically , i cannot compete with her nor she with me.

And I know it sounds shallow, and like the classic bitter bitchy woman, but im just being honest- I always thought she was a little dull , needy and to be blunt- physically plain. I thought this even before our A.

Im 15 years younger than her -11 years younger than him- and very outgoing , confident (apart from in this situation) im an intelligent mature woman, but still know how to have fun, and we have such a good time together.

Just cant see an end, its like shes always there in the background x

July 23, 2013

I think you need to guard your heart until you know for sure you can trust him. I don't think he knows for sure what he wants, OR he is a cake eater. You said in another post this is not his first affair, not even his second, but his third. If not more? And it seems each affair ended in him going to be with another woman. Use your head on this one and proceed with caution, don't turn a blind eye to his patterns and his actions.

July 23, 2013

Please walk away. Do not put yourself in this situation.

Having two women fight for the attention of a man has been portrayed on TV talks shows for a long time and the results are never good.

OP, please walk away.

July 23, 2013

I couldn't walk away - because things actually have been different since we have been properly 'together'- he's been much happier in himself and much less stressed.

Yes , he has had serial affairs over the years- he says that when he was married because after they had a baby the sex stopped so he had sexual affairs.

I don't know for sure the reason he started seeing me apart from there was something missing in his relationship and I fulfilled it.

Guess I'm kinda hoping now he is in his 40's he will grow up a bit.

He isn't a bad man , I wouldn't love him so much if he was , he's kind , hardworking, and really caring . The type of man who rings his mother every day , or calls you just to see how your day is going.

He can be too soft in fact , and this is why I know he'll never tell his ex to back off. In his eyes , she's a lovely woman who never did anything wrong (which I guess is true) and if she ever asked him for anything he wouldn't refuse.

I also think she manipulates this fact sometimes also which is frustrating.

Maybe I should have more confidence in myself , it's just been so up and down since Christmas . I want it to work out so badly though

July 23, 2013

I couldn't walk away - because things actually have been different since we have been properly 'together'- he's been much happier in himself and much less stressed.

Yep, it is now your job to keep him happy at all times.

The bad news is that non one can make someone else happy 24/7.

Yes , he has had serial affairs over the years- he says that when he was married because after they had a baby the sex stopped so he had sexual affairs.
I don't know for sure the reason he started seeing me apart from there was something missing in his relationship and I fulfilled it.

The previous women failed to make him happy. I hope you can do better. Your job is to keep him happy.

Guess I'm kinda hoping now he is in his 40's he will grow up a bit.
He isn't a bad man , I wouldn't love him so much if he was , he's kind , hardworking, and really caring . The type of man who rings his mother every day , or calls you just to see how your day is going.
He can be too soft in fact , and this is why I know he'll never tell his ex to back off. In his eyes , she's a lovely woman who never did anything wrong (which I guess is true) and if she ever asked him for anything he wouldn't refuse.
I also think she manipulates this fact sometimes also which is frustrating.

Maybe I should have more confidence in myself , it's just been so up and down since Christmas . I want it to work out so badly though

You did not have to post he is a nice man. Most serial cheaters are very nice, caring, charming, attentive, and smooth. But, if you fail to keep him happy 24/7 watch out. There is always someone else who can do the job.

I wish you all the luck in the world despite my pessimism.

July 23, 2013

"In his eyes , she's a lovely woman who never did anything wrong (which I guess is true) and if she ever asked him for anything he wouldn't refuse"...

If he is your boyf he should not be doing this, I think you are scared of saying the wrong thing, okay, I m not in love with him, but i see unkindness if his eulogising of her continues, i would play him at his own game, be friendly with a third party too, he might not realize how bad this feels until he gets a taste, just a small one, of his own medicine, in your shoes i'd feel funny about him atmo

July 23, 2013

You don't really have him. You are terrified of losing him, and he knows he can and he will play both of you until the end of time.

What you need to do is get some confidence. Feel secure enough to know that you are going to survive without this man and can walk away if needed. Find your limits and enforce them, otherwise he'll walk all over you and he'll go back to her in months or years. This companionship bond is resistant, and the fact that she was there first will prevail even if you are younger,more beautiful, smarter and with a shinier vagina.

I suggest you sit him down and tell him: "Hey buddy, this is what is going on: if you are with me, you are with me and the games are over. No other women, no ex, no flirting, no batting your eye lashes, no confusion. I refuse to spend my life watching my back. You're all in and you are out and know that I'll walk away at the first wrong move you make. This is not some me fighting for you situation anymore, this is an equal relationship and you are lucky to get me. If you don't appreciate that, somebody else will and I don't want to waste my time with you."

Don't spend your life fighting for a man. He either wants you or he doesn't. If he doesn't, you won't be happy even if he sticks around in person.

July 23, 2013

This guy is a cheater. He has cheated in the past as well. You say he's had many affairs in his past. That's a habit and a lifestyle he's got used to and it seems now he is bouncing back and forth between you and his ex. He's good at lying and deceiving so you should be weary of him and not fully trust him. How can you take him at his word? All you can rely on now is his current and future actions.

If you feel he's worth fighting for, then stick around and see how it goes. But, if it's too much and you're in constant turmoil over him and mistrust, end it. The decision is yours to make.

July 23, 2013

Thank you all for your words of wisdom

Maybe I am doing the right thing being suspicious for now .... Although I have to give him chance to redeem himself. There's nothing specific he's done in the last few weeks to put me on edge except been very friendly and polite to her when we've been in the same social circles. I've noticed he leaves his phone laying around without a second thought, where as before he would take the damn thing to the toilet with him. I've got a key to his house and can come and go as I please which are all positive signs .

Maybe I'm afraid karma will bite me in the ass !!! Maybe its just a massive dent to my ego that he could prefer her to me (and i know that sounds vile Im not a vain or shallow person but i appreciate my own good points) appreciate I've been no angel , I wouldn't be afraid to walk away if I had solid evidence of an affair, I've been single for a large portion of my adult life and I loved it.

Wish I could turn back time and do things differently - and properly .

Shudda coulda woulda :/

July 23, 2013

Never mind, my question was answered!

Edited July 23, 2013 by sweet_pea

July 23, 2013

I should probably add that his ex and her family and friends have tried their best to convince him that he is second best to his brother - that I'm only with N because his bro wasent interested . Me and his brother went out a couple of times about 2 years ago before I knew N.

so no doubt this must have crossed his mind at some point , even though this is completely untrue!! Or is this just a poor excuse I've been making for him?!

Maybe i really need to stop making excuses for his behaviour lol

July 23, 2013

Be careful with this one. I think your MM could view women & their worth in a "what can you do for me?" kind of way. He says his wife is a good person, but yet he cheated on her because she didn't give him enough sex. His "cooking" comment to you also shows that he values women based on what they can do for him. My guess is that his mother was the type that did everything for him. He probably considers her a "good woman" because of that- she is worthy of his time, attention & loyalty (& daily phone calls).

I think with this kind of guy, there is good likelihood that he will eventually cheat on you. There is also the possibility that he will use your fears against you. Beware of him using your uncertainty to manipulate situations. Your desire to satisfy him, to keep him, to please him can be exploited by him. It is a big red flag if you feel that he is trying to mold you into his idea of a perfect woman.

The people that are in the healthiest relationships don't depend on their partner to make them happy. They don't fear being alone. They are content, regardless of the actions of others. Although they don't prefer to be alone, they know they'll be OK. They have confidence in their strength. They don't expect their partner to meet all of their needs all of time. They judge people by their personality & character. Their view of a person isn't based on what that person can do for them.

If he is this type of guy, as long as things go his way, everything is great. He will be happy, agreeable, loving & giving. The problems occur when a conflict arises. Usually the conflict is related to his expectations, which are often unrealistic. He begins to feel disappointed with his partner, takes her failure to meet his needs personally, and seeks to meet those needs in other ways. It's all about him & his needs.

So I think you are smart to not trust him. Sometimes its hard to tell if our gut feelings are legitimate warnings or irrational fears. In your case, his history suggests that your gut feelings are trying to warn you. I wouldn't ignore that.

You say it would bruise your ego if he chose her. Try not to take his choices personally. If he values women based on the things they do for him, his choice won't be based on the woman's personality, looks, age or character. He will choose based on who he feels he will do the most for him (he probably compares both of you to his mother). Him choosing her or any other woman is not a reflection of your worth. His indecisiveness is much more a reflection of him & his self centeredness & dysfunction. You deserve a man that truly loves you- your personality, your character, your hopes & dreams. You deserve a man that doesn't rely on you to make him happy, to entertain him, to please him- but enjoys your company & really cares about you & your well being.

Edited July 23, 2013 by Quiet Storm

July 23, 2013

I have asked him why he feels the need to cheat , and he's said he's not even sure himself , I personally think its the thrill of the chase and the attention.

Funnily enough , he's been the only one who's showed a very public display of jealousy , when I was hugging and kissing a close male friend who I haven't seen for months - he actually walked out of the pub and left me he was so annoyed.

I do do a lot for him , I admit that , but im not a martyr and it does work both ways when he has the chance. And he always has been 'looked after' where as I never have , I've always been the strong one in my relationships and its my nature to give rather than receive , I've not been 'looked after' since I left home at 16 !! I want to be his lover though , not his mother.

I don't want to lose myself in this relationship - I want to be able to feel I can go out n party with my friends but I've neglected that a bit for the past 10 weeks because we've only just got back together as such .

Just don't want to spend the night worrying that he's up to something.

He has caused this issue by cheating - but if I've taken him back then is it down to me to at least grant him a little bit of trust ... Like I've said he's done nothing since to make me suspect he is or will do. I've seen him say in a message to her , sent weeks ago, that he doesn't want to be that person anymore .

Although , I really wish he would say that to me !!

July 23, 2013

Be careful with this one. I think your MM could view women & their worth in a "what can you do for me?" kind of way. He says his wife is a good person, but yet he cheated on her because she didn't give him enough sex. His "cooking" comment to you also shows that he values women based on what they can do for him. My guess is that his mother was the type that did everything for him. He probably considers her a "good woman" because of that- she is worthy of his time, attention & loyalty (& daily phone calls).

I think with this kind of guy, there is good likelihood that he will eventually cheat on you. There is also the possibility that he will use your fears against you. Beware of him using your uncertainty to manipulate situations. Your desire to satisfy him, to keep him, to please him can be exploited by him. It is a big red flag if you feel that he is trying to mold you into his idea of a perfect woman.

The people that are in the healthiest relationships don't depend on their partner to make them happy. They don't fear being alone. They are content, regardless of the actions of others. Although they don't prefer to be alone, they know they'll be OK. They have confidence in their strength. They don't expect their partner to meet all of their needs all of time. They judge people by their personality & character. Their view of a person isn't based on what that person can do for them.

If he is this type of guy, as long as things go his way, everything is great. He will be happy, agreeable, loving & giving. The problems occur when a conflict arises. Usually the conflict is related to his expectations, which are often unrealistic. He begins to feel disappointed with his partner, takes her failure to meet his needs personally, and seeks to meet those needs in other ways. It's all about him & his needs.

So I think you are smart to not trust him. Sometimes its hard to tell if our gut feelings are legitimate warnings or irrational fears. In your case, his history suggests that your gut feelings are trying to warn you. I wouldn't ignore that.

You say it would bruise your ego if he chose her. Try not to take his choices personally. If he values women based on the things they do for him, his choice won't be based on the woman's personality, looks, age or character. He will choose based on who he feels he will do the most for him (he probably compares both of you to his mother). Him choosing her or any other woman is not a reflection of your worth. His indecisiveness is much more a reflection of him & his self centeredness & dysfunction. You deserve a man that truly loves you- your personality, your character, your hopes & dreams. You deserve a man that doesn't rely on you to make him happy, to entertain him, to please him- but enjoys your company & really cares about you & your well being.

This really struck a cord with me

July 23, 2013

Sorry to say this because you seem smitten, but this is a pretty typical affair. He tells you certain things to keep you interested and he tells her things to keep her interested and he plays the "woe is me" card.

July 23, 2013

You're very correct in some respects - to me he's handsome but all my girlfriends are like , really ?!?!

He's nothing 'special' I suppose , but to me he is. I have a connection to him and we are very alike actually personality wise, our interests ect .

I think the main reason I've tried so goddam hard is so all the drama and hurt of our A wasent for nothing . I did say to him once you left her and now you've realised you've made a mistake but he's always sworn this isn't the case.

We turned somebody's world upside down , she lost her partner and home and although I've described her as dull and a plain Jane ect I actually don't dislike the woman and I feel bad for what we did. It shouldn't have happened , if he wasent happy then he should have got out first but I can't change any of that unfortunately !!

I resent the fact that he still walks on water in her eyes and I'm the Scarlett woman that came and took him from her when her back was turned because that just isn't true ....

But then again if she steals him back I will probably think the same. Guess that's just how it is.

If he takes the p@&£& though I feel more confident now than i did then to nip things in the bud , I am a strong woman despite how this thread comes across, I wasted 8 years of my life on a terrible relationship and I'm not prepared to make that same mistake again. I know it would be hard though, I don't give my heart easily but when I give it I give it all xx

July 23, 2013

Sorry to say this because you seem smitten, but this is a pretty typical affair. He tells you certain things to keep you interested and he tells her things to keep her interested and he plays the "woe is me" card.

This was 100% true 4 months ago , he played us both like violins , probably weighing up his options . I feel things have changed now

July 23, 2013

You're very correct in some respects - to me he's handsome but all my girlfriends are like , really ?!?!
He's nothing 'special' I suppose , but to me he is. I have a connection to him and we are very alike actually personality wise, our interests ect .

I think the main reason I've tried so goddam hard is so all the drama and hurt of our A wasent for nothing . I did say to him once you left her and now you've realised you've made a mistake but he's always sworn this isn't the case.
We turned somebody's world upside down , she lost her partner and home and although I've described her as dull and a plain Jane ect I actually don't dislike the woman and I feel bad for what we did. It shouldn't have happened , if he wasent happy then he should have got out first but I can't change any of that unfortunately !!
I resent the fact that he still walks on water in her eyes and I'm the Scarlett woman that came and took him from her when her back was turned because that just isn't true ....
But then again if she steals him back I will probably think the same. Guess that's just how it is.

If he takes the p@&£& though I feel more confident now than i did then to nip things in the bud , I am a strong woman despite how this thread comes across, I wasted 8 years of my life on a terrible relationship and I'm not prepared to make that same mistake again. I know it would be hard though, I don't give my heart easily but when I give it I give it all xx

Be really careful not to allow that feeling of not wanting this all to be in vain, keep you stuck in a relationship that may be harmful for you! It sounds like he has you 2 competing for his affections right now, which is not surprising considering his history of serial cheating. He knows what he is doing and you may be in over your head on this one, particularly with the age difference thrown in there too.

July 23, 2013

But then again , if I feel things have changed then why am I even posting in this forum . I loved him and stood by him and he did the dirty on me and that's what I'm struggling to forget

July 23, 2013

He had several affairs and told you he doesn't know why he cheats.

It's because he requires constant new validation.

You need stop spinning your wheels and spending energy worrying about it.

Check occasionally but otherwise live your life. He is probably going to cheat. This is how he has learned to deal with himself.

July 23, 2013

Be really careful not to allow that feeling of not wanting this all to be in vain, keep you stuck in a relationship that may be harmful for you! It sounds like he has you 2 competing for his affections right now, which is not surprising considering his history of serial cheating. He knows what he is doing and you may be in over your head on this one, particularly with the age difference thrown in there too.

It's amazing how something mediocre can look so good when you have to fight for it. We want what we cannot have. Chances are, once you have him, you will not be too impressed.It is the rollercoaster of emotions this situation is causing that makes you think your feelings for him are so deep. you are addicted to the drama.

As for the "we have so much in common" thing. read up on the honeymoon stage. EVERYONE says that. It is not till years later they realize the magnified the positive,minimized negative.

This situation is not going to be good for you. Only him, since his ego is being stoked by two women too blind to see what a boobie prize he really is.

Tell your parents,siser,family members what is going on. Stop hiding this. Perhaps they can help take off your rose colored glasses.

July 23, 2013

Okay, I've got to say this. She can't "steal" him, he's not a Ford F-150, he's just some guy, that frankly I don't see what either of him see in him, but that's beside the point. You didn't steal him either. Maybe soon, you'll stop and truly see the man he is. A cheater, and not a particularly good one.

Maybe I will , maybe that wisdom will come with age , I'm only 33 , and I've only had 3 proper relationships . I've only had 3 relationships because I am apparently 'picky' but now I've got myself into this mess and I think I've let myself down a bit . I've been stupid and naive , but now we are properly a couple I'm happy with him 99% of the time , it's that goddam 1% of doubt that's ruining it. He has been attentive (although hes not an overly affectionate person tbh but thats his nature) loving and happy and proud to call me his girlfriend .

Ive had some of his friends and colleagues who know the situation approach me and have comment on how much he cares for and loves me.

Then we see his ex in a pub somewhere and he's really nice to her and all these scenarios play over in my head , will he be texting her tomorrow ect , and I can't get it out of my mind for days .

July 23, 2013

It's amazing how something mediocre can look so good when you have to fight for it. We want what we cannot have. Chances are, once you have him, you will not be too impressed.It is the rollercoaster of emotions this situation is causing that makes you think your feelings for him are so deep. you are addicted to the drama.

As for the "we have so much in common" thing. read up on the honeymoon stage. EVERYONE says that. It is not till years later they realize the magnified the positive,minimized negative.

This situation is not going to be good for you. Only him, since his ego is being stoked by two women too blind to see what a boobie prize he really is.

Tell your parents,siser,family members what is going on. Stop hiding this. Perhaps they can help take off your rose colored glasses.

My friends and family all know - they all have told me to run for the hills but they are supportive and will be there to hold my hand if - or when- it all go's wrong. They think I can do better and he's a bit of a &£&; but they love me unconditionally and will stand by me. I'm a very lucky girl xx

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