Sallygirl Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I was friends with a guy for 5 years and we recently dated for 6 months (ended badly). He betrayed my trust, made me feel used, and hurt me deeply. The hard part is we still have to see one another because we work together. He avoided my area for awhile, but is no longer doing so (we are about 5 weeks after everything went down). I went NC immediatley (blocked him on Facebook) and only speak to him when he initiates it at work. Has anyone out there ever dated someone they were close to prior to dating, and had it end badly, and then still have to see them? If you did, and you were the one that hurt the other person, did you feel guilty at all, or did you simply move on? I know I shouldn't care, and most days I'm doing ok, but seeing him is really hard. It makes it even harder that when we see each other he acts like everything is how it used to be prior to dating. Like he doesn't have a care in the world. Sigh...
Author Sallygirl Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Oh, and I should say that I am the one that ended it/walked away. I also found out that same night that he was seeing someone else the entire time even though he denied it when i flat out asked him one night because she was blowing up his phone...
Zahara Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Has anyone out there ever dated someone they were close to prior to dating, and had it end badly, and then still have to see them? If you did, and you were the one that hurt the other person, did you feel guilty at all, or did you simply move on? You're asking if he feels guilty? He had no issues cheating on you so I would say what he feels is irrelevant because he obviously didn't consider your feelings when he cheated. Accept that he has moved on since he was not really invested in the relationship, hence the cheating.
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I was friends with a guy for 5 years and we recently dated for 6 months (ended badly). He betrayed my trust, made me feel used, and hurt me deeply. The hard part is we still have to see one another because we work together. He avoided my area for awhile, but is no longer doing so (we are about 5 weeks after everything went down). I went NC immediatley (blocked him on Facebook) and only speak to him when he initiates it at work. Has anyone out there ever dated someone they were close to prior to dating, and had it end badly, and then still have to see them? If you did, and you were the one that hurt the other person, did you feel guilty at all, or did you simply move on? I know I shouldn't care, and most days I'm doing ok, but seeing him is really hard. It makes it even harder that when we see each other he acts like everything is how it used to be prior to dating. Like he doesn't have a care in the world. Sigh... How did he betray your trust and make you feel used?
Author Sallygirl Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 How did he betray your trust and make you feel used? Oh, let me count the ways. 1) Led me to believe he was going through a divorce. Truth: was only separated, no paperwork filed 2) although we weren't exclusive, we said we if we started sleeping with others, we would let each other know. 99.99% sure he was sleeping with this other girl. 3) asked him about this girl. He said she was dating one of his friends and they were fighting.said he was stuck in the middle. When confronted days later, he said they had been on dates, but it wasn't recently. 4) told me he was with his kids most weekends because his soon to be ex was out partying. 99.99% sure he was wih her some if those weekends. He made me feel like a fool.
Author Sallygirl Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 You're asking if he feels guilty? He had no issues cheating on you so I would say what he feels is irrelevant because he obviously didn't consider your feelings when he cheated. Accept that he has moved on since he was not really invested in the relationship, hence the cheating. I guess as ridiculous as it sounds, yes. We were such good friends prior to this, and I really believed he was such a good guy based on that friendship. Part of me still hopes he is that good guy, but maybe he just isn't behaving that way currently because of his emotions about the divorce? I just don't know...
Zahara Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I guess as ridiculous as it sounds, yes. We were such good friends prior to this, and I really believed he was such a good guy based on that friendship. Part of me still hopes he is that good guy, but maybe he just isn't behaving that way currently because of his emotions about the divorce? I just don't know... Being good friends doesn't guarantee two people transitioning that dynamic into a good relationship. There's much more that you have to bring to the table to make a relationship work compared to a friendship. People lie and manipulate because that is who they are and not because of situations that they are going through. Going through a divorce doesn't justify lying and cheating. Side note, you weren't exclusive. You had to expect that he would be sleeping with others. Whether he abided by the rule or not, you put yourself in a situation that had the potential to bite you.
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Oh, let me count the ways. 1) Led me to believe he was going through a divorce. Truth: was only separated, no paperwork filed 2) although we weren't exclusive, we said we if we started sleeping with others, we would let each other know. 99.99% sure he was sleeping with this other girl. 3) asked him about this girl. He said she was dating one of his friends and they were fighting.said he was stuck in the middle. When confronted days later, he said they had been on dates, but it wasn't recently. 4) told me he was with his kids most weekends because his soon to be ex was out partying. 99.99% sure he was wih her some if those weekends. He made me feel like a fool. He's a feckin' arsehole. I guess as ridiculous as it sounds, yes. We were such good friends prior to this, and I really believed he was such a good guy based on that friendship. Part of me still hopes he is that good guy, but maybe he just isn't behaving that way currently because of his emotions about the divorce? I just don't know... You're not a fool. You got duped by someone close to you...someone who was a good friend. If you want to remain his friend, do so at a distance, otherwise I say get rid of him. Find a good man.
Author Sallygirl Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Being good friends doesn't guarantee two people transitioning that dynamic into a good relationship. There's much more that you have to bring to the table to make a relationship work compared to a friendship. People lie and manipulate because that is who they are and not because of situations that they are going through. Going through a divorce doesn't justify lying and cheating. Side note, you weren't exclusive. You had to expect that he would be sleeping with others. Whether he abided by the rule or not, you put yourself in a situation that had the potential to bite you. I completely understand that we weren't exclusive. My issues with what you (and him) have said are the following: 1. We told each other we would be honest about seeing and sleeping with others. He lied. 2. I agree that if two people aren't exclusive you should always assume thy are seeing and sleeping with other people. Unless: A) you've said you would be honest about it. So, i trusted that what he was telling me (that he wasnt doing either) was the truth. am i only supposed to trust someone once we are exclusive? B) the person hasn't even filed paperwork to start the divorce yet. I also realize that a good friendship doesn't translate to a good relationship every time. What I'm having a hard time with is seeing him (which I cannot avoid if he walks through/comes to my area) as well as the fact that he is acting like we can go right back to that friendship. That makes me think that he doesn't realize how bad he's hurt me (which I think would be impossible) or he just flat out doesn't care.
happydate Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I was friends with a guy for 5 years and we recently dated for 6 months (ended badly). He betrayed my trust, made me feel used, and hurt me deeply. The hard part is we still have to see one another because we work together. He avoided my area for awhile, but is no longer doing so (we are about 5 weeks after everything went down). I went NC immediatley (blocked him on Facebook) and only speak to him when he initiates it at work. Has anyone out there ever dated someone they were close to prior to dating, and had it end badly, and then still have to see them? If you did, and you were the one that hurt the other person, did you feel guilty at all, or did you simply move on? I know I shouldn't care, and most days I'm doing ok, but seeing him is really hard. It makes it even harder that when we see each other he acts like everything is how it used to be prior to dating. Like he doesn't have a care in the world. Sigh...�� If you work with him, forgive him immediately and for you to work and resolve your baggage you have shouldered. That way you are not a wreck, or a train wreck. The problem is with him. He has super low self-esteem and living an unfulfilled life with his wife. But he can't fathom to get rid of her and be with you and dumped you on a curb rather instead. Personally, I don't see any betrayal at all since you did not date him when he's absolutely unclear of his relationship with his wife. You jumped in because you needed him a lot then and was willing to take a gamble. In his wife's point of view, you could be the cause of their marriage breakup. Have you thought of that? Most women I talk to in the point of view of their wives mostly blamed their co-workers for sleeping with their husbands and wrecking an otherwise perfect marriage and kids etc... Some in terms of betrayal, his wife and the kids will feel somewhat a betrayal from you, cause they are looking for a fall person to point their fingers at. Which is you. Which is why I suggest that you forgive him immediately. Even if you see him daily, just say hi and that's it. If he wants to engage in a conversation, just smile and tell him you're busy with a project. One of my ex-girlfriends awhile back was in a similar situation like yours. Slept with a guy who she thought was going to divorce his wife only to find out that he was never planning to. Felt betrayed and used and then because she never forgave him went on to date other guys and proceeded to play with them and treated men in your her mind as only cheaters and players. When I dated her, she was a complete train wreck with so much pent up repressed emotions it's unbelievable. She would continue to recreate the same situation over and over again using sex as a theme to deal with her pain. You don't want to get to that stage either. If you have trouble letting go or need help, there are counsellors and therapists that can help you deal with this.
Author Sallygirl Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 He's a feckin' arsehole. You're not a fool. You got duped by someone close to you...someone who was a good friend. If you want to remain his friend, do so at a distance, otherwise I say get rid of him. Find a good man. Thanks Dread. I'm working on finding a good man. It's just all so hard for me to believe. If you would have told me 6 months ago how this would all turn out, I never, in a million years would have believed you.
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Thanks Dread. I'm working on finding a good man. It's just all so hard for me to believe. If you would have told me 6 months ago how this would all turn out, I never, in a million years would have believed you. I wouldn't have known though. If you said he's been a good friend of yours, I would expect better of him. I'd pm you right now, if only I was an established member. Haha. Now, if you had told me some of those warning signs I could have told you right away.
Zahara Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Honesty. The thing is, he was already showing you that honesty wasn't his forte when he lied about being divorced. I am sure you would have seen other red flags. Why would you make an arrangement that would entail honesty when he was already lying? You trust someone when they have shown you that they are trustworthy and honest. It's earned. And when you state exclusivity with someone that you know can be trusted, the terms are then different. But entering into a casual relationship, especially with someone that already exhibited lying, you better be prepared that rules may be broken. That's the bad part about dating in the workplace. When it doesn't work out, you're stuck in a situation that is uncomfortable. Something you have to cope with. He can act as if he can resume the friendship, but if you have proper boundaries in place, he can't get back into your life again. Keep your communication strictly professional. The only reason he may think he can step in is because you will allow him to do so. YOU have control over how he affects your life. It doesn't matter whether he realizes how much he hurt you or whether he doesn't care. His behavior has made it very clear that your feelings were not a priority to him so stop seeking some sort of validation from him.
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