Breakup after cohabiting, picking stuff up / dividing it

[unexpectedlyhere]

After a relationship of many years and a lot of love and commitment (and a fair few years of living together), my boyfriend walked out on me three days ago after a week or so of very painful attempts at discussing what the issues may be and how to solve them.

 

At the time he packed enough things for a few days, his computer etc. He seemed very confused about it all, especially as his decision was relatively sudden and the previous days were fairly incoherent - we had plans to go out on a date for quality time together the next day, etc.

 

However, even though he left in a hurry I am inclined to think his decision is final. He's currently staying at some friends until he finishes work (tomorrow) and will then go stay with his family at the weekend (this was a pre-booked trip, but he may extend it; they live rather far away).

 

He said (when he walked) that he wants to come round day after tomorrow or Friday during the day (i.e. while I'm at work) to pick up his things and go. I said I would like to be there when we split our stuff because some of them are possessions we've bought together and as he made no reply I said we'd speak about it on Wednesday.

 

We live with flatmates and have almost two months left on the flat's contract (which is something else we will need to talk about over the next three weeks as we need to confirm to the landlady that we're giving notice, as well as bills etc).

 

I can see why he doesn't want to see me (he is feeling a lot of guilt) and to be honest at the moment I don't want to be doing the splitting up of things quite yet, it's too painful. On the other hand I don't want to be left with all his stuff to sort through, or even all the "shared" stuff to sort through, especially the stuff that has emotional and affective baggage (photos, souvenirs, etc).

 

I also don't think he can pick up all his stuff by himself unless he hires a van, but even if he did he'd have nothing to do with it because he has nowhere to go other than his parents for now.

 

I was going to suggest that he comes on Thursday / Friday when I am away and picks up the stuff he needs for the next month or so, the stuff that's obviously his: clothes, shoes, things that he already owned when we started dating, etc.

And that after this we meet later, maybe in a month's time, and decide what can be done about furniture, crockery, general communal things and the memento-style stuff.

Is this a bad idea?

 

I don't want to see him to hold him hostage, but I think behaving in a civil way over these things is sort of owed to me. He dislikes confrontation and I do recognise that whilst at the moment I feel sort of detached and rational (not cried since early last night!) I may not feel like that upon seeing him if it happens so soon after the breakup. On the other hand, I do think he left a bit like a thief in the night and I would like this relationship to end like it was: as a good team that can work through problems.

 

I also think a part of me wants me to be part of the dividing things up in a month or so because I want to make sure he has thought of breaking up with me as giving up me, and our relationship; as opposed to removing a source of confusion and distress, which is how he left now. He is the type of person that doesn't know what he's feeling until things overwhelm him and doesn't like to dwell on the past (or future) and so I can bet once he was out of the door he didn't even allow himself to think whether he'd made a mistake, and I think that's so unfair because I still believed in us.

 

I also would like to apologise for logging into his email the night after the breakup, I think he knows because he changed the password the next day. It was silly probably but there was a reason for me doing it, as well as the stalkerish anxiety of wanting to know how he'd told his brother (whom I'm close to too).

 

Anyway, what do you think and what would you do in my place?

[Philosoraptor]

Having been in this place before I took the liberty of packing everything for her and putting it in the garage. Rather than wait and talk, things ended and I took control and set the pace. I didn't want things to linger and I wanted to get my life started as soon as possible. So if I were in your place I'd say "well if this is what you wanted, fine. But I'm going to speed things along to help my own recovery".

[unexpectedlyhere]

I guess my pace of choice would be to linger. I don't mind him getting his clothes and stuff that's clearly his and I have no use for, but I don't feel ready for the conversation about the shared things, the bills, the rent etc.

 

So I'm ok with him getting his clothes but not with him avoiding the rest (i.e. for instance leaving me to sort through what's left over of our time together in the flat), at the same time I'm not ready for the rest right now, it's too soon for me.

 

If he came and took stuff that I feel we need to consult on without consulting, I would be very angry too.

 

I have not heard a peep from him in all of this, which I guess is fine.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Yesterday I filled two bags of his stuff.

 

Today I made a list of 5 decisions of how to handle the next few days, when he may or may not come to pick his stuff up.

 

I'm still going down the line "You can take your stuff now, but we should talk about the shared stuff in about a month's time". I'll see what he thinks about it.

[Lost_Soul_86]

My ex boyfriend did the same thing to me 5 months ago and after 9 years together, and about 3 years living together we had accumulated a lot of stuff. I basically took most of my personal belongings, the photos on the wall and the dog and left the next day. Over the next few weeks kitchen utilities, pots, saucers pans, pantry equipment and other bits and pieces were all boxed up for me. After 2 or 3 weeks i was pretty much packed up and moved out (i was going around after work when i knew he wasn't home as it was too upsetting to see him) I told him he could keep all the furniture as he pretty much paid for everything, so fairs only fair. A few weeks later he had also moved out of the rental we shared together. I asked him not to contact me at all for about 2 months after it happened until i got my head and myself sorted out, i was a mess! So i went on holidays in that time and didn't speak or see him for over 2 months and can honestly say it did me the world of good. We have a block of land together that we are both owners in and i cant wait for the day where i have no ties left with him. Time does heal and if hes willing to wait the month out so you can work on yourself then do it.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thanks, it is a rather similar situation! Except a lot of our furniture is shared equally, but luckily we only have one or two expensive things.

 

I would like to avoid the drip-drip approach where he's constantly in and out of the house, even if it's when I'm not there. For me it's very clearly split into two waves but I guess it also depends on how he sees it.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I'd said when he left we should speak on Wednesday about it, he didn't call or text at all, I called him this morning. I had prepared what I would say but he didn't pick up. He called back a while later. He found my solution reasonable and said he's coming today or tomorrow, asked me whether I would work from home today, I said no and that I was working on the assumption that he didn't want to see me, to which he agreed with "I think it's for the best".

We agreed to speak again in mid-August about how to split things as at the moment I don't know yet whether I would move out of the place I live in, or not, and whether I'll be around in September.

I told him I'd put most of his stuff in the living room and that he could collect all of that. A bit later on the stupidest part of the conversation went something like him saying that he was going to pick up his stuff and have a scoop in the bedroom for anything else and I said that he probably wouldn't need to because I thought I'd gotten everything except socks which very too messy to sort out (we tended to share them and have very similar pairs anyway) and two t-shirts of him which I had held onto for the time being for potential affective value later and that we could decide about them anyway - I don't know whether I made that clear to him, the intention was basically to keep one of them as a keepsake. It just seemed a ridiculous conversation to be having.

 

Anyway, neither of us breadcrumbed and I thought we were very pragmatic, I didn't ask him how his last day at work had gone or tell him I was proud of him for finishing because in the end of the day if he knows me at all he should know already, and also if he left, then he doesn't care about my pride. I kept the questions about what he was doing to the practical minimum like whether he thought he'd be back in town in mid-August as he's leaving for a bit. He said "See you in August" at the end of the call, and I said that I didn't know yet whether I'd be ready to see him then but that we'd definitely be in touch.

 

After this I had a cry, part relief because actually being so pragmatic and matter of fact probably wired me up, part "it's actually happening, it's actually final, it's really happening to you, not to someone else".

It's really weird, my brain is at the same time totally aware that he is gone and I have to take care of myself and what things need to be sorted and what don't and what motions to go through, and partly completely unprepared when unexpectedly hit by the everyday like seeing his mug with his name on it. So I wonder whether I'm hyper-rationalising and just numb at the moment and a big whack of hurt is going to come later.

It's my first breakup of this kind (non-mutual, unexpected, after a very long relationship) so I don't know me through this.

 

I think we're doing the right thing, but it's a long way to go. I'm seeing how I feel after this weekend.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you're getting it sorted a bit at a time anyways. Just have to keep working to get things separated and him out of your life. It's best to get his things out of the open as soon as possible, so you don't have any extra reminders of what is going on.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I will miss the cathartic power of getting his stuff in bags and dumping it in the living room though

 

I'm not angry at him and none of the things I put away were triggering (I just found it funny in a slightly mean way when I realised that basically his whole collection of cardigans and jumpers was provided by my parents in the form of Christmas presents). Packing his belongings still gives you that feeling of "doing something whilst waiting for his move", but from when all his stuff is gone, it's not a chess match anymore, I'm on my own.

Edited July 25, 2013 by unexpectedlyhere
better wording

[unexpectedlyhere]

Today was one of the hardest days yet. And I'm through it.

 

He took the photo of him and his pupils from the shelves. It wasn't the thing that made me most upset but it is the thing that makes me saddest.

 

He texted me afterwards, that he's taken the stuff and is coming back tomorrow for the last big item. My text back just said "Ok, thanks!" and I didn't even particularly want to send it, I just thought it would be rude not to respond. I hope that's not breadcrumbing.

 

I had a massive cry when I came home, the worst yet with really unpleasant noises But it didn't last very long, I went and spoke to friends instead.

 

My flatmates just came back, they were in when he came. Apparently he briefly asked after me.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I can't imagine the world of hurt and difficulty he has put himself in, voluntarily, by leaving. He must have been so unhappy with me, I just wish I'd realised it.

[Philosoraptor]

I can't imagine the world of hurt and difficulty he has put himself in, voluntarily, by leaving. He must have been so unhappy with me, I just wish I'd realised it.

I wouldn't make an assumption like this. Just because someone leaves doesn't mean it's all your fault. It takes two people to sustain a healthy relationship. He bailed on his part, you didn't. The suddeness and vagueness of his decision suggests there was some sort of outside influence. I'd hate to say it, but don't be too surprised if relatively soon you find out he's shacking up with someone else.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I'm not saying it was just me, luckily I don't think that at all. We were both equally unequipped to deal with "it", with "life".

 

He was weak for how he went, and for going in the first place. And perhaps it's because I think I am stronger than him that I wish I'd realised it earlier that there were issues in the relationship.

 

But I still think he must have been in a very dark place to rupture his life so abruptly.

 

I seriously doubt there is someone else. I know everyone says this when they're left, but even most our friends find it hard to believe that that may be the reason. Perhaps he has developed feelings for someone else, he did deny that and I trust him, but I guess if it was a lie I wouldn't trust him so it's a bit of a fallacious argument!

[unexpectedlyhere]

First dream that he wanted to come back... In my mind it's so easy, I wish it was in his.