trying to understand this behaviour - is this normal???

[john219]

I've noticed in relationships I have this habit and I'm wondering whether it is common.

 

So basically, I've noticed that when a girl is really into me and wants to work things out, I tend to back off and become a bit distant...then suddenly when she backs off and becomes distant I started being more keen and wonder whether I should pursue her and be with her etc. It's as if when I'm with her, I generally think about the negative aspects and how she isn't x y z and how I don't like this or that but then when the prospect of walking away for good hits me, I start thinking about all the good things, what I would miss out on, what I would be leaving behind and ask myself am I really making the right decision here? It's like that saying "You don't realise what you got/had til it's gone." So for example if a girl wasn't replying to my texts and being distant with me I suddenly start feeling like I need to pursue her! When a girl backs off I feel like I want to get back with her. Maybe I just find it hard letting people down, even if it's the relationship isn't working.

 

Does that sound fimilar? Does that make sense? I'm not quite sure why I'm like this to be honest. Maybe as I said it's cos I don't like hurting or disappointing people. It's the classic "you want what you can't have" syndrome I suppose.

 

Why I'm thinking about all this is because in this last relationship I was in, there was alot of stuff that really upset me and it got to the point where I couldn't deal with it anymore so I broke things off. For a long time I have been saying to myself I can't do this anymore, I can't cope with this anymore. I was hurt and just feeling exhausted by the relationship. It felt like a burden rather than a pleasure. It's ONLY THEN she came round and was like oh I'm so sorry about everything, I know I was harsh to you in how I treated you and let's try and work things out. So basically, for the last 2 months she's tried to get back things back on track with me and tried to make up for what happened. But I was distant with her. I think I was just hurt by what had happened for months. And now, well, it just feels like there's nothing left after all that time. She says haven't you forgiven me for all that? And I have, but I guess it's more than that isn't it? I know I'm not perfect myself of course but just didn't feel things were right for some time. Recently, the last few days or so I think she's figured that I'm becoming less interested and she's backing off too.

 

But now, what's going on here is that because she's suddenly backing off and not responding to my occasional texts, I'm feeling rather uncomfortable and wishing she did reply but more than that, I'm starting to question the entire relationship and my earlier decision. Should I be with her afterall? Should I try and work things out with her? Am I missing out if I don't give things another chance? Am I going to REGRET this? Those what if moments are always there I guess. It's best not to get absorbed into them.

 

Maybe this is normal, more normal than I thought. I suppose it's quite common when say a friend dies or you move on from a situation or you come home from travelling...you tend to reminisce on all the good things and would want them back in your life in some way, even if it weren't the right thing?

 

Also I feel it also could well be the age factor that's making me re-consider this relationship and question myself whether I have made the right decision to walk away. Maybe if I was 22, this would be easier. I would have years left to find someone, to meet new people, I would relax and things wouldn't be so tense and panicky. At almost 30 it's a different story. I really don't want to look back and feel that I made the wrong decision here...what if I don't meet someone else etc.

 

Can anyone else relate to this kind of behaviour?

[Philosoraptor]

It's the chase, and it's very normal. You want something until you have it, and when it's gone you want it again. It's something that grows out of most people as they mature. When you feel this way just try to take a moment and look at things logically. Weigh the pros and cons of everything, and make an intelligent decision that will bring you the most long term happiness.

[john219]

Well yes I understand what you're saying and well I have some news.

 

Me and this girl in question decided to finally cut contact. Although it was mutual, she actually made the decision because we had been meeting up occasionally and we were still in contact, she thought it probably wasn't a good idea anymore and that's the right thing to do.

 

But now I suppose I'm feeing emotional still like you would with the proper ending of something like this but I guess I have to remember that I wasn't happy for some time. I'm reminiscing about our good times and how we met etc. and thinking it could have been different. I suppose this is all normal? I get thoughts and doubts like should I have given her a second chance because she made an effort the last couple of months etc. and showed me she had changed in some respects? We were meeting for the last couple of months occasionally and she was trying to things back on track with me but I just didn't feel comfortable being with her because of what happened in the past. So I don't know if part of me is now feeling guilty about letting her down and not giving this a second shot.

 

But ultimately I suppose, I was in an awkward situation...the risk to try things out again was maybe too much for me simply because I had a feeling that things would go back to how they were, eventually. But also maybe we just weren't right for each other on more fundamental aspects; personality, character, lifestyle etc. I don't know. Every time we did meet up I just didn't feel all that great about it, about her etc. Yet now, I'm feeling well...just sad I suppose that she's out of my life. But I also wonder how much of this is my bruised ego. As in this girl has been pursuing me and wanting things to work out for quite some time and now suddenly she's not and decided we got to cut contact completely. Deep down maybe I knew things weren't going to work out but I'm still quite upset.

 

I really just hope I don't look back and think I've made a mistake in letting her go. I hope one day I will be proved right and meet finally meet someone who I will be happy with.

[StayBeautiful]

You have an issue with commitment, I think this goes beyond normal "thrill of the chase". And by "commitment", I don't just mean issues committing to someone. It means you have issues committing to any relationship decision - whether it's deciding to pursue, deciding to let go. You're afraid of making the wrong decision, so you can't commit to any decision at all.

 

You pull away, then she becomes distant, you become afraid of committing to a decision to stay away in case it's a mistake, you chase, she comes back, you become afraid of committing to a decision to be with her in case it's a mistake, you pull away.... repeat repeat repeat.