cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Just wondering how it's going. The last I remember you wanted to separate but there was a family issue that came up (sick family member or something?). I'd PM you but I don't have that option yet. I'm still married. Still too cowardly to end things... you having any luck?
GuyInLimbo Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Let's just say my name is, unfortunately, still appropriate. I'm touched that you thought of me.
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Can you link me to the post that best describes your situation? I am just stuck. My husband wants us to work out more than anything. He is still very much in love. I just go through the motions. This morning he tried to kiss me very passionately, the kind of kiss a wife should want from her husband...and I wanted to vomit I'm so very checked out, and he isn't. How in the world do you tell someone you just don't love them like that anymore??? I honestly have no idea. I'm such a coward. I don't want to ruin his life...but man..I can't live like this. Or rather, I don't want to live like this!
Musubi Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Cozy - I'm in the exact situation as you are... Husband is in denial and wants to work on the marriage. I've checked out. We actually decided on a deadline this time because he is really not making improvements to work on issues we discussed and pointers from therapy. I'm finally calling the lawyer today. It's scary and very very hard, but the alternative to be stuck in a loveless marriage is even worse for me. If you thought everything through and you are certain that you can't repair your marriage, you just need to make the decision and go for it! Let him go if you don't love him anymore. Best of luck. Musubi 1
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Cozy - I'm in the exact situation as you are... Husband is in denial and wants to work on the marriage. I've checked out. We actually decided on a deadline this time because he is really not making improvements to work on issues we discussed and pointers from therapy. I'm finally calling the lawyer today. It's scary and very very hard, but the alternative to be stuck in a loveless marriage is even worse for me. If you thought everything through and you are certain that you can't repair your marriage, you just need to make the decision and go for it! Let him go if you don't love him anymore. Best of luck. Musubi I just found your posts. That is so exactly me.... I think I just waited to long to tell him how I felt, and so now, when he really is ready to try, I'm not interested. It doesn't feel genuine to me.
keepontruckin Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Typical females... Looking for justification to leave:laugh:
GuyInLimbo Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Cozy, going through the motions isn't doing anyone any favors. It's just a one-way road to a lonely, dark, angry, sad abyss, if you ask me. I'm there. Been there a while now. But I'm pretty much stuck for the foreseeable future since my father-in-law may only have a few weeks to live. And it doesn't get better once you've checked out. You can't force yourself to have feelings for someone. So don't waste his and your time by "trying" anymore. You deserve to be happy and so does he. You guys are pretty young. Give yourselves the opportunity to have long, happy lives now. Putting it off isn't going to help anyone.
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Typical females... Looking for justification to leave:laugh: When I first read this, I was kind of annoyed and pissy about it. But you are right. I am. What I wouldn't give for a knock down drag out so I could just walk out the door.
keepontruckin Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 When I first read this, I was kind of annoyed and pissy about it. I knew you'd be;)
GuyInLimbo Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 A lot of it is fear. The familiar is much easier to deal with. Taking a leap out of a LTR is scary for most people, esp if you have kids (you'll always have them in your life somehow). I have a list of excuses a mile long why I haven't left yet. But for me, it's been b/c of the kids. I finally realized I can't let them grow up thinking my marriage is healthy. The last thing I want for them is to repeat what we have.
trippi1432 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I knew you'd be;) Now, now....it's not just typical of women, men do this too. Cozy, you do need to give up the facade of being in the marriage anymore. Yes, starting a new life is scary for those who leave as much as it is for those left behind. No good way to go about it, but stop the facade with him doing everything he can to try and make things right when you don't care anymore. He does deserve for someone to love him....and don't worry about that as there are plenty of women out there who's husband fell out of love with them too that will gladly take him off your hands. I would love to sit here on this forum and ask you to look back at the man you fell in love with and ask you why you can't feel that way about him now, but you've told us...resentments and not speaking up until now. As much as that has him jumping through hoops, that's never going to resolve it for you because what you should be doing is reconciling yourself instead of putting it all on him. Seems to me he is doing all the work while you just beat yourself up and convince yourself more and more that you don't feel anything for him. I know you will agree with that....well, because it seems that for all those years prior, you were probably just agreeable. Hard for anyone to know how to please an agreeable person....
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Now, now....it's not just typical of women, men do this too. Cozy, you do need to give up the facade of being in the marriage anymore. Yes, starting a new life is scary for those who leave as much as it is for those left behind. No good way to go about it, but stop the facade with him doing everything he can to try and make things right when you don't care anymore. He does deserve for someone to love him....and don't worry about that as there are plenty of women out there who's husband fell out of love with them too that will gladly take him off your hands. I would love to sit here on this forum and ask you to look back at the man you fell in love with and ask you why you can't feel that way about him now, but you've told us...resentments and not speaking up until now. As much as that has him jumping through hoops, that's never going to resolve it for you because what you should be doing is reconciling yourself instead of putting it all on him. Seems to me he is doing all the work while you just beat yourself up and convince yourself more and more that you don't feel anything for him. I know you will agree with that....well, because it seems that for all those years prior, you were probably just agreeable. Hard for anyone to know how to please an agreeable person.... You're right. Everyone on this forum that has offered advice has been right. I just can't seem to work up the courage. I think what scares me, is we do get along. There isn't much fighting at all, never has been...but I know once he knows I am done, he is going to be mad. And sad. Both worry me, but mostly the anger. He has never been violent toward me. But he has a temper. That is what scares me. I feel like I can sit down and explain how I feel (and I have)..but when I move on to the next step, asking for a separation, and telling him that I want to move out, he is going to just lose it. Tell me to get out of the house, yell, scream...and that is so scary. This is all so damn scary. I am not scared of being on my own. I'm not scared to live alone, or of being alone when the kids are with him. I'm scared of court. I'm scared of what he will say or do or not do...I don't know. I'm paralyzed with fear. He has told me (and this is when we were happy!) that if I found someone else (not on my radar at all right now), that if he saw me in public with someone else he would make it uncomfortable. He once told me if he ever found out I cheated that he would make my kids hate me. Threats perhaps, but it's scary. It's scary!!!!!!!! I'm basically the biggest coward in the history of the damn universe!!! It really is a pathetic situation. I am just so bad at all this. I hesitate to even hit "submit reply" because I feel like everyone will roll their eyes at me. Heck, I would!! I just have no idea how to muster up an ounce of courage.
hayewils Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Dont think that your a coward. Going through what you are going is hard, especially with children involved. But dont think your a coward. Your just emotionally and mentally abused by him. You will see that in time. 1
trippi1432 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Not sure I follow Cozy, this is not the husband you have painted for three threads...someone who threatens. If you aren't wanting to leave him to cheat, I don't understand how either of those threats make a hill of beans. You have said you don't love him, you don't want to be married to him....so you stay because in the off-chance that you may be five or ten years down the road he might see you out and make trouble?? In five or ten years...heck in less than a year he might not even care and be happy somewhere else. Are you abused? Does he terrify you?? Do you really want out of your marriage?? Do you really not love him anymore?
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Dont think that your a coward. Going through what you are going is hard, especially with children involved. But dont think your a coward. Your just emotionally and mentally abused by him. You will see that in time. That isn't the situation with us. I was never emotionally abused, at all. Not in a traditional sense of the word anyway. I am just tired and done. That's all. And I'm a coward. I mean that honestly and wholeheartedly. I am a coward. It's a terrible thing to be.
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Not sure I follow Cozy, this is not the husband you have painted for three threads...someone who threatens. If you aren't wanting to leave him to cheat, I don't understand how either of those threats make a hill of beans. You have said you don't love him, you don't want to be married to him....so you stay because in the off-chance that you may be five or ten years down the road he might see you out and make trouble?? In five or ten years...heck in less than a year he might not even care and be happy somewhere else. Are you abused? Does he terrify you?? Do you really want out of your marriage?? Do you really not love him anymore? I know..it's confusing. I am definitely not abused, in any sense of the word. That is not nor has ever been an issue. But he does scare me. He can be manipulative. I always let it slide because up until about a year or so ago, he hung the moon...and I thought he had my best intentions at heart. He is selfish. He is so very selfish. It's hard to tolerate selfishness for this many years. He will think of only himself through all this. Not me (and that's fine) and not the kids. He will mope in front of the kids. He will think I am fine because I'm not a ball of tears...he will assume there is someone else (his ex cheated on him, it's a huge thing for him, he brings it up CONSTANTLY though I've never given him a reason to ever doubt me)...he's just... he is amazing and wonderful when he is happy, but threaten that happiness and he is just ..well, an ass.
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 I think I also let my imagination get the best of me at times. I just picture him throwing our wedding album in my face, ripping up pictures, telling the kids "mommy left, she doesn't love me," throwing my things away if he has a bad day and I'm not there.... He can be very unreasonable. It's the very reason I hold back whenever we have conversations.
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 He also told me once (this probably seems so out of the blue since I painted him to be a nice guy, I guess I just feel like I need to take all the blame because he is trying and I am not), that if we split, he'd keep all the sexy pictures on his phone that I've sent him...and that scares me too. I don't want him having that kind of stuff to do what he wishes with. Those were sent between a wife and a husband...you know?
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Also (sorry, I'm so wordy, and over use parenthesis) ...this board makes me scared too. All the sad husbands, say it came out of nowhere...even though it probably didn't, or maybe it did, I don't know. I read their heartfelt posts and I lose my courage.
trippi1432 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Cozy - Manipulation is a form of psychological abuse. Now understand, if someone wants to call the sky green when it's really blue, hard to argue with perceptions if someone really wants it to be green for their own reasons. Could it be that you see him as manipulative because he has made the changes to try and save his marriage and it upsets you now because you don't want the marriage anymore....possible. All these other posts are fears...fears of what "could" happen...and none of us have a crystal ball, not even you when it comes to what could happen. There really are two choices here: 1: You figure out what happiness is within yourself and share that in your marriage with your husband and children. or 2: You figure out what happiness is within yourself and work towards your goals of being a single divorced mom (and believe me, being strong and not being a victim is required there). That one takes backbone, it takes discipline, it takes courage and it does take putting others before yourself....I can tell you that one from experience. In either case, you are going to have to figure out your happiness outside of anyone else contributing to it (your husband, your kids, family, friends...etc)...because at the end of the day.....kids leave home and have their own lives, marriages don't always last, family passes on and friends come and go. Where do you see yourself in that? 2
MyEvilTwin Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 The sweet smell of freedom...self expression, and not being defined by somebody grumpy. I have been there and done it. But I only had one 12 year old, a good job, a great city to live in, and a wonderful boyfriend waiting for me to be free with serious intentions. You can if you want to, but be realistic. You are not going to join the circus or become a monk in Tibet with 3 children in tow. Realism: Interested men? Plenty! As long as it's no strings attached. They will be interested in you, but not interested in raising your 3 kids. Men who want you and your 3 kids? That will be a needle in a haystack and more often than not, second marriages in these type of situations involve trading down for the woman. Life will be harder, and much of it will be mundane. It may go well. It may go very badly. I guarantee your children will be emotionally hurt in a lasting way. If you want to do something like this, you had better have a clear vision, BIG realistic visions, BIG realistic goals, and necessary but boring realistic day to day plans. The sweet smell of freedom is not enough. You leave a good husband when you have a true calling. Do you have a true calling here that can't be answered by staying with him? You can never turn back the clock and retrieve him. You will not see him grow old, you will not be involved in his family, and he may end up with a better deal than you. Don't sulk if it happens. If you aren't prepared to make a terrific income if he were to quit his job, and support your brood all by yourself, then you are relying on an unsure thing. This is not a guilt-trip post to you. Remember, I did it, 12 years ago. It is a question of whether you have thought this out. 1
Author cozycottagelg Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 The sweet smell of freedom...self expression, and not being defined by somebody grumpy. I have been there and done it. But I only had one 12 year old, a good job, a great city to live in, and a wonderful boyfriend waiting for me to be free with serious intentions. You can if you want to, but be realistic. You are not going to join the circus or become a monk in Tibet with 3 children in tow. Realism: Interested men? Plenty! As long as it's no strings attached. They will be interested in you, but not interested in raising your 3 kids. Men who want you and your 3 kids? That will be a needle in a haystack and more often than not, second marriages in these type of situations involve trading down for the woman. Life will be harder, and much of it will be mundane. It may go well. It may go very badly. I guarantee your children will be emotionally hurt in a lasting way. If you want to do something like this, you had better have a clear vision, BIG realistic visions, BIG realistic goals, and necessary but boring realistic day to day plans. The sweet smell of freedom is not enough. You leave a good husband when you have a true calling. Do you have a true calling here that can't be answered by staying with him? You can never turn back the clock and retrieve him. You will not see him grow old, you will not be involved in his family, and he may end up with a better deal than you. Don't sulk if it happens. If you aren't prepared to make a terrific income if he were to quit his job, and support your brood all by yourself, then you are relying on an unsure thing. This is not a guilt-trip post to you. Remember, I did it, 12 years ago. It is a question of whether you have thought this out. These are good questions and things to think about.
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