waterwoman Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 That seems the best way to put it. When all of a sudden something makes you feel lost, angry, hurt, out of the blue. Things are ticking along nicely, reconciliation make progress, no mention of the a... feeling good, better than you have for years. And then you remember, and you want to scream. I think of what he did and I want to tell him how much I hate what he did and how I want him to feel my hurt! Only lasts a minute but it's so strong when it comes along 2
Spark1111 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Oh, strong and up from the bottom of my toes if I remember correctly... resentment was HUGE and for me, very, very hard to overcome. 2
ladydesigner Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Ultimately and perhaps unfortunately you need to get to the point of indifference--where you just don't give a sh*t any longer. Or at least not so much that it hurts that way anymore. A place where your sense of self, self-esteem, personal identity, whatever you want to call it--is not dependent on what someone else did behind your back. If you let it keep hurting so bad then "they win." You don't really want to let them win, do you? THIS^^^^ is what has helped me the most. I have officially removed my WH from the center of the universe and replaced myself I do get those moments you are talking about, but then I think it is on my WH and that is his icky act to own. He has to own that he neglected his family and ailing mother and that he threw my love away and gave it to someone else like it was NOTHING! He can have it! He can own all his cruelty and pathetic efforts of trying to end his A over and over again while ripping my soul out by the shreds. Oh no my WH will not win, I will because I am healthier, happier, and know that I would never cause the amount of cruelty that he did during his A. (((waterwoman))) I have those moments too and it feels like time stops and all we can do is feel it process it and move on. But please make sure you are putting yourself above everything else. I will never make my WH my universe again, OW can
Author waterwoman Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Thanks all Indifference is hard. He has been my best friend as well as my lover for most of my life. How do i not care?
ladydesigner Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Thanks all Indifference is hard. He has been my best friend as well as my lover for most of my life. How do i not care? I know sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. My WS WAS my best friend too until he gaslighted the heck out of me, had an A in my face, and then wouldn't end it. Best friends do not cheat. A best friend does not betray or stab you in the back. My WS is my spouse whom I love and have children with, but I do not trust him like a best friend anymore and that is part of the fallout he created. Maybe with time we will get that back.
Spark1111 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Thanks all Indifference is hard. He has been my best friend as well as my lover for most of my life. How do i not care? You BECOME your own Best Friend. it happens in stages and gradually over time. he WILL sense it and may react to it.....BUT you will forever be in a state of STRENGTH. Not a bad thing at all.... 2
Queen of Sheba Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Pit of the stomach for me, that feeling sick feeling.
PhoenixRise Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Waterwoman I remember this feeling well. The first few times it happened it flattened me. But then I started to take it as a sign that I needed to take loving care of myself. A sign I needed to retreat to a hot bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book. A sign I needed to massage my favorite oil onto every inch of my skin. A sign I needed to pack a bag and go to a hotel and order room service for a night. A sign I needed to go to the florist and purchase a bouquet of my favorite flowers. A sign I needed to blast some music and throw paint at a canvas. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Then do something for yourself that makes you happy. I wish you the best. 4
Snowflower Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Waterwoman I remember this feeling well. The first few times it happened it flattened me. But then I started to take it as a sign that I needed to take loving care of myself. A sign I needed to retreat to a hot bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book. A sign I needed to massage my favorite oil onto every inch of my skin. A sign I needed to pack a bag and go to a hotel and order room service for a night. A sign I needed to go to the florist and purchase a bouquet of my favorite flowers. A sign I needed to blast some music and throw paint at a canvas. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Then do something for yourself that makes you happy. I wish you the best. Good advice! It ties in nicely with what Spark mentioned above regarding becoming your own best friend. I totally get where you're coming from, Queen. I married my H when I was young and we had been together for many years when he abandoned me for a time during his A. I spent years "stuck" because I still looked to him to be my best friend. Slowly though, I have learned (and it took a long time like Spark mentioned) to trust myself and take care of myself first. And you know what? It feels pretty good. That being said, my H and I have made great strides in our reconciliation. He is my best friend like he always was. He tries hard to be that person for me. And I try hard to be his best friend too. He falls short many times but usually, he does his best. It's funny, when I started putted myself first-above our marriage-he changed his 'tude. Hope that makes sense. 2
ladydesigner Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Good advice! It ties in nicely with what Spark mentioned above regarding becoming your own best friend. I totally get where you're coming from, Queen. I married my H when I was young and we had been together for many years when he abandoned me for a time during his A. I spent years "stuck" because I still looked to him to be my best friend. Slowly though, I have learned (and it took a long time like Spark mentioned) to trust myself and take care of myself first. And you know what? It feels pretty good. That being said, my H and I have made great strides in our reconciliation. He is my best friend like he always was. He tries hard to be that person for me. And I try hard to be his best friend too. He falls short many times but usually, he does his best. It's funny, when I started putted myself first-above our marriage-he changed his 'tude. Hope that makes sense. I can't wait until I'm at this point. I believe that those who have happily reconciled have become even better best friends. Sort of like a bone that breaks and when it heals it grows back even stronger. I can see where this can be achieved again. I am no where near it yet, but I love reading all the positive R stories. It does give me hope. That is beautiful Snowflower!
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