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Can't stand to think of never being with him....


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Posted

MW in 4 1/2 year EA w/OM, no contact 2 weeks now. We never met in person, many miles between us. We were as emotionally close as 2 could be, and there was a lot of intimate conversation.

 

It seems like there is such a huge part missing that I never got to touch him. He didn't just want to be an affair.

 

I feel SO sad. I keep thinking I can cry it all out, and I will forget eventually.

 

I'm thinking crazy things like leaving my family to fly there to see him. He just sounded so sure he was done. There was no animosity though, and I know he loves me.

Posted

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. I will try to relate my own experience that may help you see there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

My affair ended similarly. We ended it because it was too hard to continue. We loved each other, shared everything, and were as close as two people could be. Ending it was necessary, we were headed for ruin and dragging BS along with us. Even though it needed to happen it still really sucked. The first few months of NC I was depressed and just empty. I struggled. I went to counseling and my therapist suggested what I was going through was similar to grieving a death. As soon as she said it I realized that's what I was experiencing. It was so obvious I felt like a dunce for not recognizing it for what it was.

 

Grief is a process, a journey with no map only waypoints. Crying it all out was incredibly helpful for me. Your body produces all sorts of lovely chemicals that make you feel better after a good cry. Once I gave myself permission to grieve I started to get better. I indulged in horrific solo crying sessions. Loud sobbing. Some breaking of dishes. Private moments where I let go of my typical tight control were unbelievably therapeutic. I went a bit nutty. You know that scene in Bridget Jones where she's drinking wine...listening to "All By Myself" and singing along. That was me.

 

Like you I had moments where I wanted to just go to him, regardless of the consequences. That's what grief does, it overwhelms at times and can be unpredictable. You can make it through this but it is work and it sucks.

 

I am sure there is love between the two of you. At some point the two of you realized it needed to stop and the only way it could was no contact. You are only two weeks in...the loss is very fresh. Mourn the loss of the relationship. Treat it as a death. You can't reverse it. All you can do is go through the process of feeling the void, accepting the void, and finally filling the void. When you get to the other side you will be stronger for the journey.

 

You are still at the hysterical crying, hair rending stage. Indulge yourself in these sessions. If you are going to grieve do it up right! Ice cream and lifetime movies worked for me. I took personal days at work just so I could stay home and cry. Yes, that may sound pathetic (and it probably is) but it was my process, it worked. With time I healed. You will too.

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Posted

I recently ended my EA/PA (9 days ago). Although it wasn't as long as yours, it still hurts. I still wonder "what is he doing" "what is he thinking". I miss the littlest things. From the sounds of it, I'm sure my xMM is done with everything as well. It is bittersweet.

 

Take it one day at a time. I agree- have your mourning sessions, BUT, don't let it consume your life. As hard as it is, you MUST move on. It is easier said than done, but, it is healthy for you.

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