eyeofthetiger Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Alright, I'm just going summarize my story... Basically, there was this girl last year, I liked her a lot, she ditched me at a club for her ex bf, later her ex bf beat the crap out of me, I distanced myself from any kind of social interaction whatsoever, everything looked pretty bleak, I became way more independent, I'm a completely different person than I was last year, much wiser and more aware of who I am... But from the time I got beat up to now, I've been thinking about her a lot, and I would habitually try to dismiss these thoughts. "Oh, I'm just incorporating my thoughts of the perfect girl into her, she's not really THAT great, it's just my imagination". Even so, I can't deny my feelings for her. I've made a fool out of myself so many times, it's so awkward. So school starts this year, and she sits next to me in one class, and I mean... The first time we saw eachother this year, she was like "omg hi" and she was all red, damn, but I mean... I feel like I'm carrying around some hurt inside of me, I mean she was the closest thing I've had to a gf and it all went downhill so quickly, even though it was mainly because of her ex I could have found a way to avoid stuff that happened... Sometimes I'll be like "Hey, this is high school, I should be living it up", and on the other hand I'm like "Oh who cares, it's just high school, I just need good grades and then I'll leave and accomplish my life's goals"... Sometimes I'll look at everyone like "Oh, like I care that they hate me" and just distance myself from others, and I feel more comfortable, somewhat above them, but I know it's just me fooling myself. To be honest, few people at my school hate me, but any little joke really hurts me for some reason, I can't explain it. I'm extremely sensitive, and I think that is really why I was affected by the events last year so deeply... But anyway... So this girl, I found myself kind of frozen, I mean, so afraid. I remember whenever I'd be goofy or anything, like she'd be like "okaaay" and I'd be like "what the hell" cuz she's weird too and she knows it, I mean, I'm afraid to be myself, I guess. I think, "Oh, I'll say this", but then another thought comes in and says, "No, she'll think your a douche bag". Every day I found myself looking forward to the class with her, she would always say hi, and start a little conversation, I would really just smile a lot and respond, not adding much and certainly not saying how I felt about her. Somedays where I felt depressed, I realized that on that day she didn't talk to me. Days where I felt exceptionally "high" and just extremely energetic were days where we talked a little. About me feeling afraid, it's kind of bad... I mean, I sort of feel like "Oh, the people here are dicks, I don't want to be there friends, the girls are sluts, I'm sick of them", and I probably come off as cold to some people. Deep down, it's more extreme hopelessness than it is hatred. The thought of this girl ever having real feelings for me, this girl whom I've dreamed of so much for almost a year, just too much for me. My mentality of who I am, a loner, just doesn't accept something so impossibly fortunate to occur. So basically, I think I've screwed myself again. I mean, she did say something to me yesterday, but not today, I mean, I guess I should also say I don't have good social skills, I mean I'm sure anyone could pick that up from reading this, but she's extremely popular. I'm sure she's not as interested in me as she was before, I can feel it. I don't know, damn I'm confused.
Merin Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Jeez, is she still with this other guy? I think what she did to you in the club was rude! Not to mention her boyfriend beating the crap out of you? Hell no thats not okay! Everyone has insecurities.. even her. You're not alone in feeling the way you do, everyone from time to time has felt exactly the way you are feeling right now. You are giving this girl entirely to much control over how you feel... if she doesn't like and accept you for who you are, then you know it's her loss. Maybe she just prefers some assface who behaves in an aggressive way without a lot of thought as to what he is "fighting" for. Be yourself! Have some confidence in who you are, and don't change for anyone. Good Luck
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