Just found out about wifes affair from many years ago

[john_s]

Look, I don’t know where to start so sorry if this jumps around a lot as thoughts jump into my head. I don’t know where else to go or who else to talk to. I really don’t want to tell my family or friends about this.

 

I thought I was living the dream but apparently not. I met my wife back in 1990, our football team had just won the grand final and she was at an after party, It really was love at first sight from across the room. She had a boyfriend that wasn’t there, nothing happened although she was willing but I don’t tread on other people like that. In hindsight that should have been the warning sign. In short she split from her boyfriend a bit later and after a year or so we started seeing each other.

 

She has made me the happiest person alive. I knew from the first time I saw her and the feelings kept getting stronger everytime I was with her that I knew she was ‘the one’.

 

I wanted to propose but I wanted it to be grand, I wanted the big ring and I wanted it to be memorable. So I started secretly working overtime and this is where my whole life fell in the **** even though I didn’t know it at the time. I worked night shift and got home from work after she had already left for her work so she wouldn’t know if I worked extra hours. So I didn’t need to tell her about the overtime, I just planned to keep it and save for the ring.

 

So here’s where it all gets worse. She knew something was up so she took some days off work and basically hid around the corner and watched what time I got home which was 2 or 3 hours later that when I normally would. Of course when she got home from ‘work’ and asked me how was my day and what time I got home I told her normal time and she knew it was a lie. She convinced herself that I was having an affair but instead of confronting me she did the unthinkable and decided if I was doing it she would too. I only found this out a few months ago when my life effectively finished. So for the next 2 years while I was working towards the ring and our future she was out screwing other guys. From what she has admitted it was 2 one night stands and an affair that lasted the whole 2 years until the day I proposed and she found out the truth about me.

 

To make matters even worse she didn’t tell the truth when I proposed, she said yes, I don’t even know why now I know what I do. I don’t even know why she stayed with me if she thought I was cheating. Her claim is that she loved me but, yeah, that’s not how I would show love.

 

So we got married, I am living the perfect life, I have the perfect wife. She comes to me one day and says she wants to introduce another woman, now what guy says no to that? I wont bore you with the details but this was a devious plan by her to even the score so to speak. We ended up having 2 one night stands and a 2 year relationship with another woman. One day she just said no more, she wasn’t into it anymore and despite my trying it has never happened again since then. In her eyes it was now 2 one night stands and a 2 year affair each, just to be clear, I had absolutely no knowledge of this.

 

Things haven’t been great the last year, fighting a lot, I don’t know why, I think she is battling depression because she lost her job and is struggling to find another but she wont acknowledge that. And then a few months ago out of the blue she just says she can’t hold it in any longer and tells me the whole story I have just told here. I never saw it coming, I am completely shattered. The best life, the best wife, all gone in an instant. I moved into the spare room, we have barely spoken since. She apologizes every day, says she wants to work it out. I don’t know, I really want to stay with her, she is a very special person. But then I think maybe I am just scared of being alone after 20 years? If I do stay how can I honestly forgive this? I think back to when I was younger and working all those long hours and how tiring it was and then I think she was at home screwing some guy. And not just some guy but a 2 year relationship with this guy, I feel ill just thinking about it. And then the threesomes which I thought were something special we shared were just evening up? What sort of sick person does that? And yet, I still love her, I think I am just too weak to leave.

 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I am just typing to release so it might jump around a bit. I want to go to a counsellor but she thinks that a counsellor will just twist things and make her look bad. I think she has done a pretty good job of that herself. So why can’t I leave, why am I hanging around? As angry as I am with her I still look in her eyes and melt, I know I am going to stay and in my moments of clarity it makes me sick that I am.

 

I don’t know if anyone can help, this is a pretty messed up situation. Is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time? Is it possible to stay in this situation in the hope time will heal? How do you deal with the embarrassment when family and friends find out?

[sweet_pea]

Look, I don’t know where to start so sorry if this jumps around a lot as thoughts jump into my head. I don’t know where else to go or who else to talk to. I really don’t want to tell my family or friends about this.

 

I thought I was living the dream but apparently not. I met my wife back in 1990, our football team had just won the grand final and she was at an after party, It really was love at first sight from across the room. She had a boyfriend that wasn’t there, nothing happened although she was willing but I don’t tread on other people like that. In hindsight that should have been the warning sign. In short she split from her boyfriend a bit later and after a year or so we started seeing each other.

 

She has made me the happiest person alive. I knew from the first time I saw her and the feelings kept getting stronger everytime I was with her that I knew she was ‘the one’.

 

I wanted to propose but I wanted it to be grand, I wanted the big ring and I wanted it to be memorable. So I started secretly working overtime and this is where my whole life fell in the **** even though I didn’t know it at the time. I worked night shift and got home from work after she had already left for her work so she wouldn’t know if I worked extra hours. So I didn’t need to tell her about the overtime, I just planned to keep it and save for the ring.

 

So here’s where it all gets worse. She knew something was up so she took some days off work and basically hid around the corner and watched what time I got home which was 2 or 3 hours later that when I normally would. Of course when she got home from ‘work’ and asked me how was my day and what time I got home I told her normal time and she knew it was a lie. She convinced herself that I was having an affair but instead of confronting me she did the unthinkable and decided if I was doing it she would too. I only found this out a few months ago when my life effectively finished. So for the next 2 years while I was working towards the ring and our future she was out screwing other guys. From what she has admitted it was 2 one night stands and an affair that lasted the whole 2 years until the day I proposed and she found out the truth about me.

 

To make matters even worse she didn’t tell the truth when I proposed, she said yes, I don’t even know why now I know what I do. I don’t even know why she stayed with me if she thought I was cheating. Her claim is that she loved me but, yeah, that’s not how I would show love.

 

So we got married, I am living the perfect life, I have the perfect wife. She comes to me one day and says she wants to introduce another woman, now what guy says no to that? I wont bore you with the details but this was a devious plan by her to even the score so to speak. We ended up having 2 one night stands and a 2 year relationship with another woman. One day she just said no more, she wasn’t into it anymore and despite my trying it has never happened again since then. In her eyes it was now 2 one night stands and a 2 year affair each, just to be clear, I had absolutely no knowledge of this.

 

Things haven’t been great the last year, fighting a lot, I don’t know why, I think she is battling depression because she lost her job and is struggling to find another but she wont acknowledge that. And then a few months ago out of the blue she just says she can’t hold it in any longer and tells me the whole story I have just told here. I never saw it coming, I am completely shattered. The best life, the best wife, all gone in an instant. I moved into the spare room, we have barely spoken since. She apologizes every day, says she wants to work it out. I don’t know, I really want to stay with her, she is a very special person. But then I think maybe I am just scared of being alone after 20 years? If I do stay how can I honestly forgive this? I think back to when I was younger and working all those long hours and how tiring it was and then I think she was at home screwing some guy. And not just some guy but a 2 year relationship with this guy, I feel ill just thinking about it. And then the threesomes which I thought were something special we shared were just evening up? What sort of sick person does that? And yet, I still love her, I think I am just too weak to leave.

 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I am just typing to release so it might jump around a bit. I want to go to a counsellor but she thinks that a counsellor will just twist things and make her look bad. I think she has done a pretty good job of that herself. So why can’t I leave, why am I hanging around? As angry as I am with her I still look in her eyes and melt, I know I am going to stay and in my moments of clarity it makes me sick that I am.

 

I don’t know if anyone can help, this is a pretty messed up situation. Is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time? Is it possible to stay in this situation in the hope time will heal? How do you deal with the embarrassment when family and friends find out?

 

Aw, I'm so sorry John. I know that it's hard learning about a betrayal so far into your marriage.

 

I do believe that it is possible to love someone and 'hate' them at the same time. It sucks being a BS (Betrayed Spouse) because it's such a shock and then all of these feelings appear-- anger, sadness, shock, but then there is still some love, because something like that doesn't just go away, ya know? Just a big mix of emotions.

 

Yes, it is very possible to stay with your wife and have things heal. Reconciling takes lots of patience and time, and is lots of hard work. I haven't reconciled with my ex, but I know from others that it comes with extreme highs and lows. With time, hard work, and more, healing can come. I don't know that one can be 100% healed from a betrayal, but I do believe that there can be plenty of healing.

 

I know that when I first told family/friends, I felt embarrassed, but in hindsight, I shouldn't have. Your family and friends are not going to judge YOU, you did nothing wrong. If anything, they are going to have sympathy and tons of love for you (hopefully!) and be there for you when you need it. Please do not feel afraid to reach out to them, but if you do, you have us!

 

I'm sorry if my answers to your questions were off, it's kind of late where I am, and that sometimes affects my thinking But, there are many more BS' here that will lend you tons of great advice for everything you are looking for!

[drifter777]

Forget about the "time heals all wounds" thing - it's a load of crap. If you don't deal with this now all time will do is make it more painful and harder to deal with down the road. Face things now - get all of it out now. Get into IC and MC and see if you are willing to do the work required to reconcile. The decision to divorce should be on the table for you as it is a legitimate option and is often the best path to take for all of you.

 

Get into counseling ASAP and work this out for your own peace of mind. That's the best way to make the hard choices that lie ahead of you.

[road]

 

I don’t know if anyone can help, this is a pretty messed up situation. Is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time? Is it possible to stay in this situation in the hope time will heal? How do you deal with the embarrassment when family and friends find out?

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[ejh]

I found out two years ago about wife's indiscretions. They happened in 92/93. I have not told any one and feel that I should not tell family and friends. This is my choice. We are planing on staying together and i do not see how this will help in the long term.

 

I have been to a shrink to help vent and have someone to talk with. Reading on this site and Surviving Infidelity have both helped tremendously.

 

We are at the moment successfully reconciling and I feel good. I have enormous triggers and ask millions of questions. I hate when she can not remember all the details that I want. I am only posting to let you know that you are not alone. I to love my wife very much and still find her extremely attractive. I do not wish to be any where else on most days. I still have some very strong anger issues that I do need to work through.

[road]

Get the SAA book and schedule a polygraph test for WW.

[janedoe67]

I agree about Surviving an Affair. That book was a godsend to me (I was the WW).

 

She may not understand this, but no matter how long ago her affair was, you just found out, so for you it JUST happened. Dr. Harley also has phone marriage coaching, and I have heard it is very good. I can't recommend their forum, but I CAN tell you that calling the center might be a good idea.

[oldshirt]

This whole story of scewing othe people for two years cause she thought you were screwing around is just a leeeeettle too far fetched. It just doesnt work that way.

 

If she had said she was feeling dispondant and got drunk at a party and screwed some guy then came home crying and took a two hour long shower where she was scrubbing herself with bleach and a wire brush then I may hav believed she had a revenge affair.

 

But multiple pick ups and a 2 year relationship uh uh. My guess is that is just the best cover story she could come up with to justify her affairs after the fact.

 

This whole 3some thing is sounding dysfunctional too.

 

Does she have a historie of any other nutty tip behaviors or any other manipulative or self-serving behaviors?

 

My gues is you are only being shown the tip of the ice berg here. I suspect if you go into detective mode and start peeling back the layers you will find a long history deciet and manipulations and possibly numerous affairs and hook ups.

[oldshirt]

My big question in all of this is why is she telling you about this now?????

 

What is happening now that is making her fess up about all of this 20 years later. Its probably not guilt and wanting to clean her conscience. You have to have a conscience first in order to want to clean it and I am not sure she does.

 

I am really sorry this is happening to you.

[HopingAgain]

My goodness. That is awful...so sorry that happened to you. That is a lot of years past to try to sort out the truth now. I too am wondering why she would choose to confess NOW, why would she wait all these years just to drop such a bomb on you?

 

I guess the first question is, do you feel you can reconcile with her, or even want to try? Or is this a dealbreaker for you?

[Owl]

Totally agree with Drifter's advice.

 

For you...it feels like it just happened. For her, it was years ago.

 

IC and MC can help you decide if you want to remain with her or not, in light of the full truth of what's gone on in your marriage.

 

The question about what triggered/caused her to confess now is a critical one too. No one does something "for no reason at all". She confessed because SOMETHING triggered her to do so. The start of new affair is possible, or the end of one that she hasn't confessed. Or, MAYBE, something else entirely. But that's an avenue you really need to explore before you make a decision on the future.

[standtall]

Well John, you're in quit the pickle, and it is your own fault as much as it is your soon to be ex's.

 

First, deceitfullness...no matter how well intentioned, is still wrong. The proof of that is your own experience from saving for a ring.

 

Next, that threesome/open marriage..hedonistic behavior ..or whatever you call it that you did with the wife and the other woman are also self inflicted. Your reaping the seeds of a marriage that was not based on anything sacred and pure.

[janedoe67]

I can see the wisdom in that, 2long, because the whole earning and quid-pro-quid thing completely ignores for better or for worse.

 

I was specifically referring to the structured way an affair is dealt with. For the WS especially, if they will get HUMBLE and do the work, they have an excellent road map for making amends, being transparent, and changing.

 

She should not have cheated. She certainly should not have introduced a bunch of "approved adultery" into your marriage. I can somewhat relate to why she may have thought you were cheating if what you told her about your work hours and what she observed didn't line up. Not sure how she could have thought you were "weak" for working for a ring if she didn't even KNOW you were working for a ring.

 

BUT, that is why openness and honesty are so important. She should have called you out, talked to you, expressed her concern instead of mind-reading. Instead she presumed she knew what you were doing, got all in an angry wad, and reacted in a completely reprehensible fashion, which led to a whole bunch of other bad decisions on her part.

 

And if this story doesn't shed light on WHY a cheater needs to grow up and tell the truth instead of hiding it while playing the "I don't want to hurt them" card, I don't know what does.

[Owl]

The Harley's program of restoring romantic love 2 last a lifetime is seriously flawed. People have affairs because they don't protect their primary relationship from their own susceptibilities 2 temptation and because they believe that romantic love is "real love."

 

Romantic love is all about feelings, about "following your heart" and very definitely about being selfish. When both partners are in love with one another, everything is peachy. But when one or both of them fall out of love when the chemical high of being in love (which is all that it is) wears off, you'd better hope that there was a real commitment 2 be loving and an ongoing decision 2 love your partner - be a team 2gether against the temptations of the world - or somebody's likely 2 have an affair 2 get that romantic high they think is so all important.

 

Love is not a feeling, it's a decision. There are a few professionals who truly "get it." Harley isn't one of them. Frank Pittman is. So is Sheryl Paul. This was posted by another LS member recently. Sorry for not remembering who that was!:

 

Sheryl Paul: Love is a Verb

 

-ol' 2long

 

I think the Harley's program is a great SHORT-TERM method to get the marriage back on track towards marital recovery. And I think their concept of "love bank" has merits.

 

But I agree that it's not a viable LONG-TERM plan for keeping the marriage going after you've moved down the reconciliation path.

 

This is where MC can absolutely come in and help, as long as you get the 'right' MC for the both of you.

[road]

I think your WW is doing damage control.

 

She got caught and needed to make her having an affair your fault.

 

She had three affairs.

 

This is why you need to schedule a polygraph test. Most WW's once they hear that a poly has been scheduled will trickle truth a bit in order to act as if she came clean to get her BH to cancel the test. Do not fall for this trick.

 

As the date for the test gets near many a WW will tell more hoping to get you to cancel the test for the last. Again don't cancel. Tell WW you need to confirm that you have the whole truth. And if you have the rare WW that tells all at the last moment. Following through and having the test will do no harm.

Edited July 23, 2013 by road

[BetrayedH]

I agree with the polygraph. In situations where the adultery happened long ago, this is typically the only way to ensure that you've gotten the truth and you can't begin to come to grips with it until you know what you're actually dealing with.

 

If she's telling the truth, I can understand how this unfolded for her. She thought you were cheating, so she decided to get even. When she found out you weren't, she felt guilt but didn't have the courage to confess. Instead, she decided to let you get even and avoid the confession. But that plan failed and she couldn't take it to the grave. Whether or not that's forgivable is a very personal decision and has a lot to do with whether or not she is truly remorseful. But first, you have to find out if it is true.

[BeholdtheMan]

I don’t know if anyone can help, this is a pretty messed up situation. Is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time? Is it possible to stay in this situation in the hope time will heal? How do you deal with the embarrassment when family and friends find out?

How much do you want to stay? Do you have any will to leave?

 

Your wife's betrayal runs very deep and seems to be a sign of an extremely selfish personality.

[john_s]

My big question in all of this is why is she telling you about this now?????

 

According to her it's just because she had bottled it up for so long she couldn't do it anymore.

 

I believe she has depression and I have been urging her to see someone about it, mental health is a serious issue. I believe that keeping the secret long with her depression just got too much.

 

Of course I am not in any way trained to judge this sort of thing but it does tie in nicely with my belief that she is depressed.

[john_s]

I agree with the polygraph.

 

I am not very confidant in the use of these machines. If I were in a situation where I was required to be hooked to one of these I would do everything I could to get out of it. I just don't trust the accuracy.

 

I couldn't insist my wife did something that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself.

 

The answers that came from this would be really beneficial but deep down I just couldn't put my faith in them.

[john_s]

How much do you want to stay? Do you have any will to leave?

 

I want to stay with every fiber of my body, I just don't know whether I can trust her again. Staying without the trust would be pointless wouldn't it? I do think that I would be walking away from something good if I were to go, but is that logic based on a mirage created by her or on something real. I am struggling to answer these questions.

[BetrayedH]

I am not very confidant in the use of these machines. If I were in a situation where I was required to be hooked to one of these I would do everything I could to get out of it. I just don't trust the accuracy.

 

I couldn't insist my wife did something that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself.

 

The answers that came from this would be really beneficial but deep down I just couldn't put my faith in them.

 

I had exactly the same thoughts about polygraphs before my wife's affair. I strongly encourage you to investigate them further. They are much more reliable these days than you think. Unless she had serious training on how to beat one (such as counter-interrogation training from the military).

 

More important than their reliability is the scenario that Road described. The WS will typically agree to the test in hopes that they "figure something out" before it happens (like talking you out of it). Then when the day comes, they have a fit because they don't have a plan to beat or get out of it and you end up with a passenger seat confession enroute. It is many times more "trickle-truth" to get out of the test and make you think that you now "know everything." That's why Road said to listen to the confession and still insist upon her taking the test.

 

The disadvantage to polys is that you'll only be able to get yes or no answers to a limited number of questions (like 5 of them or less) so you have to pick your questions carefully. Your local police department is probably your best source to know a local and reliable person to administer it.

 

I wish I had changed my mind about polys. Probably would have saved me 8 months of investigating because, as usual, she was still lying.

[aliveagain]

I guess your dilemma is how do you leave her after she intentionally tried to balance her infidelity by giving you two one night stands and two years of threesomes with another woman? As angry as you are about her infidelity and her method of trying to offset it, you too did the deeds(I wonder if she accounted for the exact number of acts to match hers). Was she an active participant with the other woman? It was a brilliant move by a serial cheater, just look at your reaction, your still there and by the sounds of it your not leaving. She needs help with someone that deals with infidelity, absolute must for reconciliation. The issue here is her intent to hurt you by banging other men intentionally. You now know she is more than capable of infidelity and would not hesitate to do it if she justifies it to herself. How do you feel safe with someone like this?

[john_s]

Was she an active participant with the other woman?

 

Yes, for the most part. The woman we saw for the two years actually became our live in lover for about 9 months due to circumstances. There were times when I was alone with this woman as was my wife but it was all above board, there were no secrets. Apart from those odd occasions it was always the three of us.

 

You now know she is more than capable of infidelity and would not hesitate to do it if she justifies it to herself. How do you feel safe with someone like this?

 

I don't feel safe is the short answer. The long answer is that it has been 14 years since the last time we were with the other woman. Since that time my wife has been faithful, we have been happy and basically just like any other couple. I feel after earlier indiscretions she has become my perfect partner, the question is whether the last 14 years can rack up enough credits to forgive the 6 years prior to that.

 

I want to say yes but I just don't know right now.

[john_s]

Then do it yourself. What have you got 2 lose? Your marriage?

 

The problem is that a lie detector test will prove nothing to me.

 

Let me give you a situation. We do the test, she answers and fails some questions, she swears to me afterwards that the machine was wrong and she is telling the truth.

 

I do not trust those machines, I would believe her, maybe that makes me naive but that is how it would play out. If those machines aren't admissible in court then they are not perfect, I would rather take a chance on my wifes word than take a chance on the machine.

 

I would love to know if there was more to the truth than I am being told but I don't think the machine can provide that. At this point in time I will have to trust my wifes word. It might seem strange to say that given that I have just found out she not only lies but tells really great big ones but I figure that, here's your chance, if I find out about one more secret and we are through.

[bubbaganoosh]

Your wife may be suffering from a bout of depression but she's also suffering with a bout of selfishness, immaturity and deceit. In any normal circumstance if your in a relationship and you suspect your significant other of cheating, after you gather you evidence you confront that person and if your correct and they are cheating, you leave but if it's what you say that you were working to buy the ring, either way she has the truth, and that ends that.

 

She did the chicken sh!! thing and had an affair of her own and a couple ONS but still stayed in the relationship. This is where the selfishness and the immature behavior comes in to play. Your marriage has been a lie all because your wife was burning the candle at both ends for her own gratification and there's the deceit. She brought another woman in to your marriage not for you but for her. Yeah she let you have your fun with her but so did she. It's not like she sat in a chair and watched you and the OW have sex. She got her kicks too right under your nose. Seems like she was and still is a step or two ahead of you right from the get go. Doesn't sound like a trustworthy woman to me.

 

No one likes to be alone but take it from someone who has been married and then alone. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely but either way, it sure beats living under a cloud of doubt any day of the week.