Is BS really going to leave MM?

[Elfie]

OK, so NC has been going really well, when xMM sees me in local shop, he tells me he misses me, I tell him I'm done with it. We have a converstaion around this - him saying he wants me but daren't leave, and me saying I can't stay and he says "I'm going to have to do something". We part and I feel good for being strong.

 

Two hours later he rings to say he's in trouble with wife, she got mad for him being late home, she's had enough, they never do anything together or go anywhere unless it's family and she's going to her mothers. I know they don't do anything other than family stuff as I live opposite and have watched with insecurity this past year the A was taking place (mostly me trying to get out of it).

 

The next day I go to his work to meet him which is a half hour drive. He's immediately touchy feely and we end up having sex. I tell him I don't want to influence him, he has alot to think about and he suggests hyperthetically if she moved away, I could move and he follow after a while, so no one around us would know. I didn't like that idea, so I said we could just start seeing each other in time, get to know each other properly, it felt safer, given his character. He always said he was scared to leave, but now it seemed no D-Day, yet he was being given the chance to get out without looking like a b****** but all he sais was "I haven't responded to her either way". This sounds like he's keeping his options open, or he is hoping she won't leave (as he knows I'm not keen to take him on, given what he's subjected me to). He joked about my cooking skills (lack of) and warned me he might snore (we've never spent night together) but he did say "one thing though, I CANNOT be on my own". He said he wouldn't go out dating, doesn't appeal and has never done it, and that it is me he has feeings for. I said he needs to think of what he is losing but he said "if it's dead it's dead, it's you I'm after".

 

He always knew I had strong feelings for him, I got upset the most, I told him over and over I didn't want A, and was always trying to get something nice, and not hurt others. He got me hooked after I lost a parent and I never liked the A, but he does know I fell hard for him.

 

A few days later he rings and he says she hasn't gone, they haven't told any of their kids or grandchildren yet, but she has put her name forward for moving, has told him he can have their holiday fund, she's cancelled an op she was due to have, and she wants to close thier joint bank account the coming Monday (which turned out to be yesterday). Various family members have dropped in and it all looks normal and happy.

 

Since then thye have pretty much come and gone as they usually do, and

on Sunday they both went out together like they usually do (they do a market each Sunday).

 

Yesterday wife was at home and he was out, so they didn't close thier bank account, he called me to meet so I agreed, was hoping for some answers but he was immediately touching me again and I pulled away. He looked hurt but I said I needed to know what was going on, he said nothing, she's just being quiet. He kept trying to kiss me, said he can't keep his hands off me, then pulled at my jeans etc and in the end I got upet. I asked him why he wasn't taking the chance to leave if he knows the marriage is "flat" as he called it. He said he hadn't thought about it, but that it was "hard to move on". I said I saw them go out Sunday but he didn't respond, just said "yeah". I asked if they closed the bank account and he said no.

 

I left and life is still the same over at theirs - but is this just an elaborate plan to keep me hooked, is he back tracking, or am I just not giving him enough time to know what he wants? To all intents and purposes, life is looking just the same over there (though I know from experience, behind closed doors it's a whole other story).

 

I know I shouldn't care, I know it shouldn't bother me, but i just welcome opinion on what might be going on - would a MM really pretend the marriage is ending when it isn't?

 

Thanks

[sweet_pea]

OK, so NC has been going really well, when xMM sees me in local shop, he tells me he misses me, I tell him I'm done with it. We have a converstaion around this - him saying he wants me but daren't leave, and me saying I can't stay and he says "I'm going to have to do something". We part and I feel good for being strong.

 

Two hours later he rings to say he's in trouble with wife, she got mad for him being late home, she's had enough, they never do anything together or go anywhere unless it's family and she's going to her mothers. I know they don't do anything other than family stuff as I live opposite and have watched with insecurity this past year the A was taking place (mostly me trying to get out of it).

 

The next day I go to his work to meet him which is a half hour drive. He's immediately touchy feely and we end up having sex. I tell him I don't want to influence him, he has alot to think about and he suggests hyperthetically if she moved away, I could move and he follow after a while, so no one around us would know. I didn't like that idea, so I said we could just start seeing each other in time, get to know each other properly, it felt safer, given his character. He always said he was scared to leave, but now it seemed no D-Day, yet he was being given the chance to get out without looking like a b****** but all he sais was "I haven't responded to her either way". This sounds like he's keeping his options open, or he is hoping she won't leave (as he knows I'm not keen to take him on, given what he's subjected me to). He joked about my cooking skills (lack of) and warned me he might snore (we've never spent night together) but he did say "one thing though, I CANNOT be on my own". He said he wouldn't go out dating, doesn't appeal and has never done it, and that it is me he has feeings for. I said he needs to think of what he is losing but he said "if it's dead it's dead, it's you I'm after".

 

He always knew I had strong feelings for him, I got upset the most, I told him over and over I didn't want A, and was always trying to get something nice, and not hurt others. He got me hooked after I lost a parent and I never liked the A, but he does know I fell hard for him.

 

A few days later he rings and he says she hasn't gone, they haven't told any of their kids or grandchildren yet, but she has put her name forward for moving, has told him he can have their holiday fund, she's cancelled an op she was due to have, and she wants to close thier joint bank account the coming Monday (which turned out to be yesterday). Various family members have dropped in and it all looks normal and happy.

 

Since then thye have pretty much come and gone as they usually do, and

on Sunday they both went out together like they usually do (they do a market each Sunday).

 

Yesterday wife was at home and he was out, so they didn't close thier bank account, he called me to meet so I agreed, was hoping for some answers but he was immediately touching me again and I pulled away. He looked hurt but I said I needed to know what was going on, he said nothing, she's just being quiet. He kept trying to kiss me, said he can't keep his hands off me, then pulled at my jeans etc and in the end I got upet. I asked him why he wasn't taking the chance to leave if he knows the marriage is "flat" as he called it. He said he hadn't thought about it, but that it was "hard to move on". I said I saw them go out Sunday but he didn't respond, just said "yeah". I asked if they closed the bank account and he said no.

 

I left and life is still the same over at theirs - but is this just an elaborate plan to keep me hooked, is he back tracking, or am I just not giving him enough time to know what he wants? To all intents and purposes, life is looking just the same over there (though I know from experience, behind closed doors it's a whole other story).

 

I know I shouldn't care, I know it shouldn't bother me, but i just welcome opinion on what might be going on - would a MM really pretend the marriage is ending when it isn't?

 

Thanks

 

Yes, and there are many OW here who have shared their experiences with the MM saying they were leaving, that the BS was leaving... and it was all a lie.

 

Better question, if it WAS true, why would you want him considering how he has treated you in the past? Seriously, it's like all he wants from you is sex. That isn't how you should be treated.

[Elfie]

Elfie for the love of GOD, why do you want this guy? Every time you see him all he does is paw at you for sex. I know not all guys are in affairs solely for the sex but your MM certainly seems to be. Has he ever courted you at all? It sounds like all he does is find you alone somewhere and has sex with you or attempts to. He isn't going to leave his wife and family for the mistress he sneak out to see just to get laid. He's isn't going to give up all of that history for a mistress. The only way his marriage will end is if his wife ends it and doubt she will unless it the affair becomes known to her, in which case she probably still won't leave because MM will go all out to keep her.

 

A man who cannot be alone is not a man anyone should want. That means he will always be at risk of cheating. He will always want to feel like he has a back up plan so he never has to fear being left on his own. That's why he holds onto you. When his wife is angry at him and possibly threatening to leave him he feels less fear about that thinking he can just go straight from his marriage to you and therefore avoid any of that nasty being alone stuff. You're alone. You're independent. Why do you want this childish man who uses you for sex and to make himself feel more secure in his marriage? He sounds so creepy to me and no, based on his recent actions and statements I would say his wife is not leaving and their marriage is not ending. Are you just going to let this go on and on, waiting for his wife to leave him? Don't you think this has gone on long enough and that it's time for you to act like an adult and control you're own life. What are you afraid of?

 

You're so right A, I am independent, friendly, have a great business I started from scratch with no set up finance, yet my self esteem is lower than the earth. I have no idea why I cannot break free.

 

Since posting, I see his van is piled high with supplies that he often delivers for wife. Guess he's happy to still do that for her.....and for the online business he said she was shutting down. Yet a week later is still offering new stock and "Coming Soon".

 

SweetPea - I am an adult. I'm just messed up and trying to find help here?

[sweet_pea]

You're so right A, I am independent, friendly, have a great business I started from scratch with no set up finance, yet my self esteem is lower than the earth. I have no idea why I cannot break free.

 

Since posting, I see his van is piled high with supplies that he often delivers for wife. Guess he's happy to still do that for her.....and for the online business he said she was shutting down. Yet a week later is still offering new stock and "Coming Soon".

 

SweetPea - I am an adult. I'm just messed up and trying to find help here?

 

I know you are looking for help, and that's why I asked you the question. Why would you want him? What has he done to show you that he deserves you? How has he treated you? Does he treat you the way you should be treated, or expect to be treated?

[Elfie]

I know you are looking for help, and that's why I asked you the question. Why would you want him? What has he done to show you that he deserves you? How has he treated you? Does he treat you the way you should be treated, or expect to be treated?

 

Hi Sweetpea ~ I think it's because he's the only I have "real" contact with, I have been a loner all my life, happy in my work and a couple of close friends I see not very often, but that's always suited us all, I've only had a couple of (very bad, violent) relationships, both parents were abusive, one was alcoholic and violent, one was emotionally abusive, had a dodgy uncle, been single for over a decade, just been happy and "OK" by myself - safe, I guess - keeping a brick wall around me. Then I lost a parent (who was abusive) and he got in, he knew me before and had tried it on, but I think he's been very good at adapting himself to what I need - can MM's be chamelons? - so in all I guess I have no awareness of what is deserved, no expectations of what I should tolerate or accept.

 

I'm guessing it's the contact or attention (that I didn't think I needed but clearly do) he provides, and the (though false) affection he gives (what he says is nice; what he does isn't) the conflicting that goes on in my head and how he sometimes makes me feel it's me at fault - "I know how fragile you are" etc. He's good at throwing little gems in at the right time: "I miss you / miss talking to you / I wouldn't be like this if we were together properly.....etc"

 

It's good to type this, thank you Sweet Pea, I often find asking someone to ask of themselves is a good way to help.

[whichwayisup]

would a MM really pretend the marriage is ending when it isn't?

Yes.

 

You let him easily back into your life after being in NC mode. Way to easy! Now he knows he can exaggerate or lie/make up a senario/story to connect with you again and you'll cave..See him and have sex with him.

 

Honestly, if his marriage was completely over for real he wouldn't be reaching out to you until it was official and would meet up with you in a proper way. He is not even separated, let alone close to being divorced.

 

Sorry, but I think he's leading you on and sadly, you're falling for it or at best, allowing him to give you hope.

 

End it and tell him to ONLY call you when the papers are signed and he really is divorced. Until then, get back into NC mode and protect your heart.

[Elfie]

Yes.

 

You let him easily back into your life after being in NC mode. Way to easy! Now he knows he can exaggerate or lie/make up a senario/story to connect with you again and you'll cave..See him and have sex with him.

 

Honestly, if his marriage was completely over for real he wouldn't be reaching out to you until it was official and would meet up with you in a proper way. He is not even separated, let alone close to being divorced.

 

Sorry, but I think he's leading you on and sadly, you're falling for it or at best, allowing him to give you hope.

 

End it and tell him to ONLY call you when the papers are signed and he really is divorced. Until then, get back into NC mode and protect your heart.

 

Yeah, it's pretty obvious what he's doing, when I'm away from him I think one way (focused and determined to get away from him, and I have been managing it recently, and felt better) and then when he makes contact I end up feeling sorry for him, believing him to be lonely etc. He's years older than me, why should I feel responsible for him not able to change his situation? Crazy. Maybe I jsut don't have the ability to hate - I sure never got revenge or hate on past abusers, who did far worse.....!!

 

But today he's rung a few times and I ignored each one. And I feel empowered, yay, so I just need to remember this feeling and tap into it each time he tries. And also the s****y feeling I have when he succeeds. Both of those might just get this louse out my life for good.

 

Thank you for replies, good to know I'm not alone

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, it's pretty obvious what he's doing, when I'm away from him I think one way (focused and determined to get away from him, and I have been managing it recently, and felt better) and then when he makes contact I end up feeling sorry for him, believing him to be lonely etc. He's years older than me, why should I feel responsible for him not able to change his situation? Crazy. Maybe I jsut don't have the ability to hate - I sure never got revenge or hate on past abusers, who did far worse.....!!

You don't have to hate him, just focus on the negative stuff about him. How badly he's made you feel at times, that pain and heartache.

 

He knows how to manipulate and push your buttons, he knows you'll cave, so DO continue to ignore him and stay in NC mode. Maybe time to change your cell number. That would feel powerful! He'd be texting you and you wouldn't even know it! The longer NC is in place, you'll feel so much better and see things from a more objective and healthier point of view.