reddragon588 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Many people suggest to focus on the things about your ex that annoyed you/you didn't like to help move on. Maybe some of the things you used to think of as lovable quirks that you now realize you didn't like. People suggest to think of how you are better off without your ex, how you will find someone better. My question is- does this mean that you have to "hate" or "dislike" your ex to be able to truly move on? (I understand hate is a strong word, I just wanted to make my point as far as what feelings to hold) I still love my ex, and I'm starting to finally move on after telling her we can't be friends or contact each other anymore, but I still think of her very highly and believe we were a great couple. It just didn't work out. But will I be able to truly move on as long as I still hold those beliefs?
Chi townD Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 It's normal to hate or dislike your Ex for a while (especially if you've been betrayed). It's normal to feel that way. But, the main goal is to get to a point where you're indifferent towards them. NC will help you to do that. 2
todreaminblue Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I think hate is an extension of obsessive love.......if you hate someone to me,that implies very volatile emotions hurt....resentment....anger ......even fear...how can you move on from that????? In my opinion which is important maybe only to me...to truly move on you need to forgive........and then have no ill will......to look forward to an unknown future you let go of the known.,......and you embrace tomorrow...not yesterday.......then that to me....is moving on...you can feel warmth towards an ex and move on....in the absence of hate....there is always acceptance......what you choose to hold on to .....is personal ........hate is a very futile emoiton caugh tup in other emotions......that si what traps you from moving on.....happy trails....from a mover onnnerer called deb.....who is smilin atcha....... 1
LME Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 No, you do not have to hate them. It just takes time to heal and you definitely need time away from them, so you are doing the right thing in that aspect. Cutting contact helps the moving on process, you are doing it for yourself in order to move forward and i don't think your ex would have a problem with that. I've realized it is easy to look back at everything good in the relationship but that is not always enough and you need to cut contact and resist the temptation. doesnt mean that has to be forever but i do believe it has to be for a long time until you are healed. I unfriended my ex on facebook the other day. I dont have any hatred towards him and i didnt do it as some sort of petty move, i did it so i wouldnt be tempted to look at his pictures,etc during my weak moments and to help me move forward 2
todreaminblue Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 No, you do not have to hate them. It just takes time to heal and you definitely need time away from them, so you are doing the right thing in that aspect. Cutting contact helps the moving on process, you are doing it for yourself in order to move forward and i don't think your ex would have a problem with that. I've realized it is easy to look back at everything good in the relationship but that is not always enough and you need to cut contact and resist the temptation. doesnt mean that has to be forever but i do believe it has to be for a long time until you are healed. I unfriended my ex on facebook the other day. I dont have any hatred towards him and i didnt do it as some sort of petty move, i did it so i wouldnt be tempted to look at his pictures,etc during my weak moments and to help me move forward when i left my ex.......or he left me....first ....i moved interstate .....i never added him on face book......i didnt want to see........I am glad ....it did help me in the initial stages of healing not to have reminders.....that to me would have been akin to torturous.......deb 1
AllTooWell Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I don't hate my ex or hate any of his 'quirks'. BUT I see him in a different light. I see the person he is NOW and I am embarrassed for him and have little respect for who he has become. I do not want to be with someone like that. That made it very easy to let it go once and for all. One day you are honestly going to feel like someone has smacked the rose-colored glasses off of your face. You never need to think that you were a bad couple. I still have fond memories of my time with my ex, but I also see things differently now that I have moved on. I see the problems and I see him more for "who he is" and I look at the person he is now. You may always think "We had a great relationship" but at a certain point you will learn/accept that that "great" relationship ended and it all you have is right now. I don't think you should stress or worry that because you have fond memories you aren't moving on. My mother has fond memories of my father and they have been broken up (never married) for over 20 years. And trust me, there are no feelings left there at all. 1
na49 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I really don't think there's as many mental gymnastics as people think when it comes to "moving on". Of course some may think you need to not want to be with your ex anymore and find someone new to be "moved on". I think that you just have to be indifferent towards everything. That doesn't mean you have to not miss your ex anymore or want what you had with them. It just means that you won't let it keep you stuck and that you are accepting of the fact that they don't want to be with you whether you want to be with them or not. When you realize that this person wasn't your "soul mate" like you thought they were. That they were a person and they had flaws, just like everyone else. but to answer your question. No I don't think you need to "hate" your ex to move on. 1
skydiveaddict Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 My question is- does this mean that you have to "hate" or "dislike" your ex to be able to truly move on? (I understand hate is a strong word, I used to. But now she's fat and I don't care anymore. 2
eachcomingnight Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 (edited) I don't think you have to hate them. You just have to accept that "it is what it is" and there's nothing more you can do at this point in time to change things. My ex is one of my favorite humans in the world. I think he's a wonderful person and he always treated me well. That made it incredibly difficult to let go of him in the early stages of the break-up, and his decision certainly upset me, but I've never really been angry at him and I've found my moving forward has progressed just fine. At the same time, the farther out I get from our relationship, the more I realize that as great as he is, I did still put him on that pedestal... there are many other great people out there as well - he is not the only one with these positive qualities. Edited July 23, 2013 by eachcomingnight 1
Delilah1623 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I don't think so. Hate comes in the beginning. As you start to accept it you will remember the good times and know you love them but can see the reasons why it didn't work. I think that when you really move on. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I feel a low grade hate for my ex 1.5 years on. He was emotionally abusive. I also can't forgive myself for not leaving sooner. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I don't hate my ex but I don't "like" her either. 7 weeks of NC has allowed me to reflect on what was a toxic relationship (due to her) and like the above poster, makes me mad that I tolerated her BS for as long as I did. Her legacy with me is of a person I don't care to ever speak with again. Her true personality came out our last 5 months and I can recall vividly coming home many, many times after spending the evening with her asking myself why I was putting up with such a bitch. I know in my heart that 80% of our problems were on her and her issues. This makes moving on that much easier on me. 1
somebodyoutthere Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 For me it's more the person the ex became that I grew uncomfortable with. I dearly miss the person I loved that I enjoyed so many happy times with but accept that this person not who the ex became in the months before the breakup. I could have done without that person. 1
bluegreen Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Ahhhh those pink color glasses and their at best behavior in beginning has been downfall of many people I remember both all to well. You do not need to hate them hate the way they behaved enough to seek better person become better person or stay single until you do. 2
HobGadling Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I don't hate her. In fact I admire her stubbornness and ruthlessness. But I wish she had a bit of perspective. I don't hate her for dumping me via Facebook and refusing to answer any of my messages. I can look at our situation and her behaviour objectively. We broke up. It was long distance. Language barrier etc. Doesn't mean we have to be friends. Doesn't mean we have to be enemies. In a way it makes me kind of laugh. Closure for me is knowing that no matter how earnest or heartfelt a message I send her it's just going to be deleted without even reading it. Damn. I wish I as the dumpee had that attitude and that stone cold heartless willpower. I just hate every other man she has encountered in her life before me that has made her react to men this way. Hate is an important part in the grieving process. Especially if there is abuse or cheating involved. But if it's just two people breaking up because that's just what happens... well at some point you've got to be able to calm down and talk. This is just very specific to me. But once I've had a good chat with them a few months down the line they begin to fade away. Mostly because being honest my ego has been satisfied, they don't hate me. 1
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