dudeip Posted October 26, 2004 Posted October 26, 2004 Please excuse me, this is so long but it makes me feel better to tell the whole story. There is probably not much advice anyone can give me, but I just wanted to vent. My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have 3 children, I have a good job, new house, vacations, etc. We have a great sex life, communication, love spending ery minute we can with each other. But…. The first 8 years of out marriage we did not have communication. It was the typical I would come home from work and clam up. Her stay at home mom activities did not seem as important as my stressful job. I know how wrong this is now. We have always been completely head over heals for each other, but always had a problem when we did have conflict. We have always gone from complete bliss to the nastiest hurtful arguments you could imagine in a matter of seconds and then make up in no time realizing how stupid we both acted. It is both of us. We go months without argument like this, but when it happens we are both like WOW, what happened? The best we can explain it to ourselves is that our emotions are so strong toward each other that when it goes bad, it is real bad. 3 years ago my wife started a part time job. She had a male married boss our age that I could tell had a thing for her. This job was huge for her though. After being at home having 3 kids she had a job that made her feel important. I supported her 100% because I knew how emotionally good it was for her. The problem was though that she more and more talked about her boss. It came to a point that I felt real uneasy. I talked to her several times and she was real receptive. She always said that he was like a brother to her. She told me she would quit if I wanted her to, but I knew how much the job meant to her and I told her to make the decision (how stupid am I??). About 2 years age we had a superbowl party. I was very drunk and went to bed. We had no fight, no tension, everything was fine. She came and woke me. I was drunk, it startled me, and I jump out of bed and hit her. I will regret it for the rest of my life. It was so unintentional (I have no reason to lie here), but I did it. You can probably guess the next part. She ran to him, of course he was all ready, and they spent the next 6 months in a relationship behind their spouses back. At the same time though I became a new man. I made it a point to understand her, communicate with her, understand her feelings, listen to her. I now understand why this is important. I have been like this for 2 years and I enjoy it. She told me that it was the best our relationship had ever been and she was so happy, but at the same time was seeing him. I found out, was crushed, cried, depressed, continuously nauseous, medicated, but forgave her. We have been through counseling and have worked very hard to save our marriage. We are still madly in love with each other, but I am still so hurt. The problem (finally)… We still have occasional arguments (who doesn’t?), but she brings it up. “He didn’t treat me like this”, “This is exactly why I did it”, and so on. Its not that often, months apart. On a daily basis I believe she is over it. But a part of me I wont listen to knows she still has feelings. The six months after I found out about the affair she still contacted him a few times. I cant describe the hurt this causes with how hard I am working to save everything. Last night I said something admittedly insensitive. She went in the other room. A little while later I tried talking it out so everything would be ok. I asked her what was wrong, she said if I want to know go see what she wrote in her notebook. I read it and I am now completely crushed and confused. It basically was a paragraph on how wonderful he treated her and ended with “was I a fool for ending it”. I went to bed, came to work today. I cant stand it. I am so eaten up with pain and sadness. I love this women so much. We have the most wonderful life together. I know her well enough to know that she feels the same way. But she still has a part of her that wont let go. I cant figure out what he can offer that I cant. I have done it all. I have opened my heart and mind wide open and honestly done everything. This is such anguish. I am now contemplating what is more painful, living through this or moving on and getting over her.
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 D, That is a very sad situation. I feel for both of you as there is so much pain involved but also alot of love. I'm not going to say too much but I'm sure afew will. I want to be more positive! There's no point. You feel horrible enough as it is and came here looking for help. If she is willing to do this, go to couples therapy and really work on the marriage. Do it for yourselves, and mostly your 3 children. Each of you may think of doing therapy separately to work on yourselves as individuals as well. I am sure this is hard for you as well as your wife. Be honest about what you think, feel and how you hurt as she compares you to him. What good does it do? What is the purpose? She obviously has her issues, her thoughts and alot of hurt too. I wish you both the best and hope your marriage works out. Won't be easy but I think you really do love her, so fight for her as long as she is willing to put in the effort as well! Keep posting and we'll all help you out! I bet it took alot out of you to post this..I do commend you for being so open and honest about what happened. WWIU
Trini Angel Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 I think you two need to see a therapist. Its the only way. Have you tried reading "How to get my lover back" by Blase Harris. I would advise that you do. Its pretty inexpensive and you can get it on Amazon. Try it and see how it works.
DazednConfused Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Hey Dude, I can relate to part of your story, and can put myself in your shoes for the rest of it. So you unintentionally hit your wife.....then spent the next two years changing your entire thought and emotional structure for her. She had an affair with her boss. You found out, but continued to change yourself to be the person you thought she needed. She knows this hurts you terribly, but continues contact with him sporadically for six months. Just nutshelling the facts here.... Nowadays, you have arguments, and she throws in your face that she had the affair because you have the nerve to disagree with her. Each time you argue. She probably DOES still have feelings for the other guy, and she probably will possibly forever. You see, she has no further contact, so all the memories of him that she carries around are fond and happy ones. This is not an excuse for salting a wound just to win a dispute. What a heartless b*tch. If she is truly as madly in love with you as you say, she has to realize that she is killing you by doing this. She should care enough to deal with conflict on her own merits, not by beating you with the most hurtful thing she can think of. Step up for yourself, and refuse to accept those kinds of things, she chose to stay with you; don't allow her to use your own pain against you. Next time show no reaction at all; or better yet, grab the phone and tell her to call him while you get a suitcase and start packing HER crap. Call her bluff or she will keep spiking you in the back. Maybe a bit extreme, but geez, she ticks me off! I know the pain of affair, and could not deal well with my wife doing what yours is..... just my .02 my friend, i wish you the best. -Dazed
Ladyjane14 Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 We have been through counseling and have worked very hard to save our marriage. We are still madly in love with each other, but I am still so hurt. You've been through counseling, but you're counseling has been INEFFECTIVE. You and your wife are still carrying around all this emotional baggage from the past. Neither one of you are really 'over it'. You won't be able to move forward until you find a way to 'clean the slate' of all past transgressions. That means both of you. If you each chose to forgive the other, you must re-make that choice every day, until forgiveness becomes an active entity in your relationship. Consider trying a new counselor. It's unreasonable to expect that married people won't have occasional disagreements, but y'all are going too far and re-hashing the past every time. You have too much pain in the past to dredge it all back up. Get rid of it.
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