LME Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Why Do Break Ups Hurt So Much? | Lisa Firestone I randomly came across this article today and the concept of "fantasy bonds". I feel like 90% of this article was how i felt in my relationship. I felt disconnect and knew it would end eventually. HOwever, he ended it first and i tried to rationalize it in my head and kept playing could have/should have/would have's in my head. I honestly wish i had come across this article before I met up with him this weekend and got some closure. The closure did help but i think i am realizing that i was most upset about the breakup because of the actual rejection and that in a way he beat me to it, which made me want to reconcile afterwards. I still had feelings for him but it wasn't the true love feelings that were there in the beginning, it was the remainder of my fantasy of the relationship. "When a fantasy bond is broken, we are more likely to mourn the end of our false sense of security than the end of real, loving relating" "A fantasy bond helps the people in a couple to feel that they are not alone, and yet, they are often emotionally distanced from one another." Don't get me wrong, i am not suddenly completely over the breakup overnight but wow, i am really glad i stumbled upon this article. i had no idea how to put in words the strange feelings i was feeling and this totally sums it up, i think i just did not realize that this was an actual thing. Has anyone else experienced this before? Edited July 22, 2013 by LME
tbf Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 The article lost me early in the game with this comment: Then, why is it that couples who rarely show affection or who barely relate often feel panicked at the loss of their partner? Not everyone is effusive about their love. Not everyone recognizes how other's express love.
Author LME Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 yeah you're right and i think it is sort of generalizing, but to me i could relate to the the article as a whole
reddragon588 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 This article really helped me today. I think there are some generalizing statements like the one tbf mentioned but overall this is a powerful article with some enlightening content. For me, part of moving on has been evaluating my life. I realize that I was more in love with the idea of my life prior to my breakup than I was in love with my actual life. I wasn't out there living it the way I needed to- I wasn't connecting with my friends and my girlfriend the way I needed to nurture those relationships, I wasn't taking care of myself with exercise and healthy eating, I was drinking a lot and I wasn't working to my full potential at work just sliding by on many projects. When my girlfriend broke up with me, it really shattered the idea of my life I had built up. I had become too comfortable with having friends, having a girlfriend, having a job- I had the false sense of security this article talks about. I wasn't working to make those things better- I wasn't working to make myself better. Breaking up with my girlfriend made me realize I wasn't doing this. Now, I have a chance to go about loving my actual life, and making myself better.
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