I think my new boyfriend is disappointed Im a virgin...

[hollabackgirl]

I have a new boyfriend who asked me to be his gf on date 5. This situation occurred on date 6. We both just turned 24

 

Him and I were fooling around (didn't go further, as I had my period) Afterwards he was laying on top of me and he asked me how I felt about sex and I said what do you mean? He said "I get the feeling you want to wait and we should both be comfortable." I said "embarrassingly Im still a virgin because ive never gone all the way...my only relationship was with a guy who believed in no sex before marriage" (we did everything but sex though a lot) he asked something along the lines of how long I wanted to wait and I said "I don't know....whenever it happens...soonish...I don't have a timeline" (I kept talking because he just staring at me)

then 10 seconds later as he was getting dressed he said "embarrassingly, I have had blue balls the last 3 times we've hung out" (date 4 and 5 we just made out) I was thinking OUCH and offered to finish him off though that was the last thing I felt like doing then but he said no

 

That kind of hurt my feelings a bit and confused me. He says hes never had an official gf, just dating that never lead anywhere official, so hes a late bloomer I guess. I wasn't expecting him to be pushy with sex. In fact, date 2 and 3 he was talking about how he appreciated me not running away and how nervous I make him! I was looking forward to losing my virginity soon but now I feel anxious, like I have to do it soon or else Im that dumb girl who gives him blue balls. I kind of get the feeling he asked me to be his gf to get sex quicker and is disappointed by my virginity/lack of willingness to give it up. I was also kinda expecting him to be a virgin too which would have been nice but is not necessary. He didn't say he was though so Im assuming hes not.

 

Im asking because I don't know if Im being too sensitive. he's nice to me otherwise and he says hes socially awkward. He went on vacation 2 days after this and has texted me quite a bit...also the one relationship I had with the god-worshipper was abusive, I left him because he hit me sometimes, so I don't know if Im being too cautious now.

 

BTW, we met on match.com. Our first few dates were not very long, so I still don't feel like I know him super well. I know how a guy acts in the beginning is not a true representation anyway...

[hoping2heal]

You sound very confused. You didn't want to "finish him off" but then when he declined it hurt your feelings? He may have just sensed that your offer wasn't genuine. If you think he's disappointed over it then that's a conversation worth having with him.

[hollabackgirl]

my feelings were hurt after he complained he had blue balls after I said I was a virgin, not because he declined my further efforts

[BradJacobs]

His blue balls are his baggage, not yours. Just like your being concerned guys will abuse you is your baggage, not his.

 

Welcome to dating people with histories(i.e. baggage).

[white]

Your previous boyfriend hit you? I'm so sorry. I can sit on the fence or play devils advocate about a lot of evils, but that is one I can't abide. I hope he has an accident with a meatgrinder.

 

That over with;

 

You do it when you want to for your own reasons. Just to keep him happy is really not a good basis for sex at all, let alone with a new boyfriend, let alone as your first time.

 

Already this guy is pressuring you. That makes him a dick. I would place money on him disappearing if you didn't prove amenable soon; hell, if he was posting here, three quarters of the members here would tell him to disappear because you didn't put out after 5 dates. The point is it really, really isn't supposed to be a stress, resentment, confusion filled issue, and he's caused it to be that.

 

Whether it's because you don't yet realise he's after sex, or because he's awkward, is hard to say. You could possibly forgive the latter, although I know he can't be that awkward if he's ready to guilt a woman into sex.

[MrCastle]

Don't let him pressure you into having sex earlier than you'd like.

 

There is a one handed technique that cures blue balls. He probably knows about it. He can do that until you're ready.

 

Let him run his hand under hot water beforehand if he wants the added warmth.

[sweetkiwi]

He's had blue balls before, he'll survive. Meanwhile you need to do whatsì's right FOR YOU and not worry so much about his feelings about you being a virgin. I think it's cool you're 24 and have waited.

[therhythm]

Don't let him pressure you into having sex earlier than you'd like.

 

There is a one handed technique that cures blue balls. He probably knows about it. He can do that until you're ready.

 

Let him run his hand under hot water beforehand if he wants the added warmth.

Basically I can't add much to the above... just to say that people who pressure you into sex is a huge red flag... I hate when I hear guys do that... is such a miserable way of getting someone to do what they don't want to do :sick:

[Phantom888]

You go through with it when you are ready. Don't let some guy tell you or convince you when. His blue balls are his problem. He should respect you. Who says you have to put out by date #4?

[white]

Also let's be clear here for the 24 year old virgin, because I'm seeing the phrase repeated an uncomfortable amount: there is no such thing as blue balls. It's an imaginary concept used by men to get what they want. His testicles aren't swelling up, he's not in pain, it's bull****. You don't owe him the opportunity to spaff, you don't need to "offer him release" for his god damn health and happiness. Perhaps you already knew this, if so, stop using the expression and call it the manipulative trick it is.

[serial muse]

I have a new boyfriend who asked me to be his gf on date 5. This situation occurred on date 6. We both just turned 24

 

Him and I were fooling around (didn't go further, as I had my period) Afterwards he was laying on top of me and he asked me how I felt about sex and I said what do you mean? He said "I get the feeling you want to wait and we should both be comfortable." I said "embarrassingly Im still a virgin because ive never gone all the way...my only relationship was with a guy who believed in no sex before marriage" (we did everything but sex though a lot) he asked something along the lines of how long I wanted to wait and I said "I don't know....whenever it happens...soonish...I don't have a timeline" (I kept talking because he just staring at me)

then 10 seconds later as he was getting dressed he said "embarrassingly, I have had blue balls the last 3 times we've hung out" (date 4 and 5 we just made out) I was thinking OUCH and offered to finish him off though that was the last thing I felt like doing then but he said no

 

That kind of hurt my feelings a bit and confused me. He says hes never had an official gf, just dating that never lead anywhere official, so hes a late bloomer I guess. I wasn't expecting him to be pushy with sex. In fact, date 2 and 3 he was talking about how he appreciated me not running away and how nervous I make him! I was looking forward to losing my virginity soon but now I feel anxious, like I have to do it soon or else Im that dumb girl who gives him blue balls. I kind of get the feeling he asked me to be his gf to get sex quicker and is disappointed by my virginity/lack of willingness to give it up. I was also kinda expecting him to be a virgin too which would have been nice but is not necessary. He didn't say he was though so Im assuming hes not.

 

Im asking because I don't know if Im being too sensitive. he's nice to me otherwise and he says hes socially awkward. He went on vacation 2 days after this and has texted me quite a bit...also the one relationship I had with the god-worshipper was abusive, I left him because he hit me sometimes, so I don't know if Im being too cautious now.

 

BTW, we met on match.com. Our first few dates were not very long, so I still don't feel like I know him super well. I know how a guy acts in the beginning is not a true representation anyway...

 

I can't tell from your post if he was actually doing the douchey move of accusing you of giving him blue balls and leaving him hanging or if he was just saying "I'm really turned on by you" but in an incredibly socially awkward way. And I worry that, because of your past experience with a genuine douche, you're taking his comment in the worst possible way.

 

Honestly, it's a bit hard to read between the lines here, but taking what you wrote at face value, it didn't read to me like he was actually pushing for sex. He asked about your past experience, and perhaps it surprised him that you're a virgin, but he also said you should "both be comfortable" and that he sensed you wanted to wait. On the face of it, that's a good thing. So what are we missing here? Did he say this in an accusing way? Or are you just worrying out loud?

 

I definitely don't think you should rush into having sex under the impression that you'll "lose him" if you don't. But like I said, I can't tell if that's just your fear talking or if he's really pressuring you. He didn't want you to finish him off, no, but then, you weren't super enthusiastic about it at that point, so maybe you were the one pushing a bit hard at that moment. And he certainly doesn't seem to be shunning you, since he's texting you a lot while on vacation.

 

All of which is to say - is it possible that you're over-thinking this?

[hollabackgirl]

I can't tell from your post if he was actually doing the douchey move of accusing you of giving him blue balls and leaving him hanging or if he was just saying "I'm really turned on by you" but in an incredibly socially awkward way. And I worry that, because of your past experience with a genuine douche, you're taking his comment in the worst possible way.

 

Honestly, it's a bit hard to read between the lines here, but taking what you wrote at face value, it didn't read to me like he was actually pushing for sex. He asked about your past experience, and perhaps it surprised him that you're a virgin, but he also said you should "both be comfortable" and that he sensed you wanted to wait. On the face of it, that's a good thing. So what are we missing here? Did he say this in an accusing way? Or are you just worrying out loud?

 

I definitely don't think you should rush into having sex under the impression that you'll "lose him" if you don't. But like I said, I can't tell if that's just your fear talking or if he's really pressuring you. He didn't want you to finish him off, no, but then, you weren't super enthusiastic about it at that point, so maybe you were the one pushing a bit hard at that moment. And he certainly doesn't seem to be shunning you, since he's texting you a lot while on vacation.

 

All of which is to say - is it possible that you're over-thinking this?

 

 

yes, that's why im posting this here. I cant tell if im overreacting but I don't want to get screwed over and seen as an object again by a guy...

 

perhaps I should ask him or maybe that would be too forward?

 

I can see perhaps why he had blue balls the last time we hung out because we fooled around. but the 2 dates before that we made out...for maybe 5-10 mins each time...and that gives him "blue balls"? That's why im skeptical. are mens balls really that sensitive????

[ChessPieceFace]

Learn to give good BJs.

 

The guy in question... well let's just say it sounds like he might not share your views on sex, and that could be a problem. If you want a moral guy who will appreciate virginity and wanting sex to have meaning, you're better off meeting someone at a church or christian group activity rather than dating sites...

[hollabackgirl]

Learn to give good BJs.

 

The guy in question... well let's just say it sounds like he might not share your views on sex, and that could be a problem. If you want a moral guy who will appreciate virginity and wanting sex to have meaning, you're better off meeting someone at a church or christian group activity rather than dating sites...

 

im not waiting until marriage dear. not all virgins are that extreme.

 

. Did you not read that my one relationship I said I did everything but sex frequently? That involves BJS

 

Bug off and go give irrelevant advice to other posters where you don't even bother to read their original post

[kaylan]

I think OP is overthinking a bit. Good luck, youve been given good advice. But this drama is why sexually inexperienced girls can sorta be a turn off. Sex should be fun.

[serial muse]

yes, that's why im posting this here. I cant tell if im overreacting but I don't want to get screwed over and seen as an object again by a guy...

 

perhaps I should ask him or maybe that would be too forward?

 

I can see perhaps why he had blue balls the last time we hung out because we fooled around. but the 2 dates before that we made out...for maybe 5-10 mins each time...and that gives him "blue balls"? That's why im skeptical. are mens balls really that sensitive????

 

OK, but what I was trying to get at is that you're fixating on his "blue balls" comment and it's not clear to me why. There may be other things you haven't told us, but based solely on the way you presented his comment, it doesn't strike me as anything to worry about, really. So I'm guessing that the real issue here is that you came into this relationship already self-conscious about being a virgin, and are anxiously looking for/expecting signs that it's going to be a problem. In other words, maybe you're projecting a bit.

 

This guy has also said that he's OK with waiting and he clearly wants to continue to be in contact, even after you revealed that you're a virgin. Why not give some weight to those things, too? And if you're really worried about being "too forward" by talking about this, just remember that he opened the door! So you might as well just ask him point-blank if it's a problem, rather than torturing yourself like this.

 

(It doesn't sound to me like it is.)

[Ninjainpajamas]

Anyone who's giving you crap about being a virgin is thinking of themselves not you, their needs/desires...and their desire is to expect sex within a set amount of time before moving on...not because they really like you...not because they respect you...but because you simply didn't give up the booty as easily as the other girls so they take it as a personal blow to their ego and ability to swoon young damsel...and therefore they pin it as "your problem" and being dramatic/difficult as a way of venting their own sexual frustration.

 

This guy is just going through the motions with you....that is clear, he realized you were conservative with sex because your vagina wasn't hanging out of your pants on the first or second date...and from the second date he was hoping/expecting their would be some "action"...but it didn't happen, so he blames you for withholding...but he doesn't know what to do, or exactly how to initiate because he isn't experienced either, he actually expects you to take the initiative as well.

 

It's clear he only got into a relationship to build some kind of wishy washy trust with you, thinking that maybe it would be an incentive to take it to the next level...he doesn't sound invested or understanding or even trying to develop a relationship with you otherwise, he seems motivated by sex...which is typical for his age, but this is more about him than you, because that is something you should not just give away to the first guy that comes along that makes you feel bad about it and treats you "nice" otherwise , trust me, that's only part of the guy you're seeing, every guy is or should be nice in the beginning.

 

You're way too insecure and influenced by what douchebags are willing to say to you, you need to realize that men don't have your best interest in hand...many are there to simply take advantage of you and get what they want and then they'll decide how much they really like you or want to do with you, you need to also make it clear that you're not a "good time" girl that's going to roll in the hay right away, a lot of guys OLD and in real life are expecting a quick reward for a few niceties and gestures, a bit of charisma and this facade of genuine interest and care...trust me don't fall for it, use half your brain and you'll see through the majority of it as it's all pretty typical.

 

You'll know when a good guy comes along and treats you with respect, unfortunately until then you'll keep trying to please these type of guys who are only there to get what they want out of it, then they move on and dump you off to the side when they're done with you...kind of like a taxi.